Isobel and Emile (14 page)

I am so tired and I have to be up early. I wish I didn't. I wish I
wasn't here but I am. I can feel myself getting used to it. I am
becoming the girl who lives in the room over the grocery store.

I hate it. I hate it for being so easy to get used to. I don't know
what to do. I want there to be more than this but I don't know how to
make something more than this.

I love you, Emile. I am trying to love you.

11

Emile is standing in front of a door. It is between two shops. On one side of it is a shop that sells magazines. On the other side is a tailor's shop. The shop that sells magazines is still open. There is someone inside it. She is looking at magazines.

There is a doorbell beside the door. Emile presses it.

From the other side of the door there is the sound of someone walking down stairs. Emile fidgets with his cap.

The door opens. Agatha is in the doorway.

She says: ‘Hello, Emile.'

She leans forward so Emile can kiss her on the cheek. Emile kisses her on the cheek. She says: ‘It's so good to see you.'

Emile smiles. He is carrying a reel of film. He has been to the shop where Agatha takes film to be developed. He spoke to the man who works there. The man wore thick glasses and his hair was starting to thin. He gave Emile the reel of film. Emile gave the man some money. He left. He came to Agatha's apartment.

Agatha says: ‘Come in.'

She takes Emile's hand. She goes up the stairs. Emile follows her. At the top of the stairs there is another door. She opens it. She leads him through the door.

They are in Agatha's apartment. It smells of cigarettes and Agatha's perfume. There is a film projector set up in Agatha's living room. It is pointed at a wall. There is a sofa in front of it.

Emile gives Agatha the reel of film. She goes over to the film projector. She threads the film through the projector.

She says: ‘Close the drapes, darling.'

Emile goes over to the window. He closes the drapes. It makes it dark in the room.

Agatha says: ‘It'll be ready in a moment.' She is still threading the film through the projector. She points to the sofa. She says: ‘Sit down. Pour yourself a drink.'

Emile sits on the sofa. It is a good sofa. There is a pattern embroidered on it. The pattern is of flowers and leaves.

There is a small table in front of the sofa. There are a bottle and two glasses on the table. Emile does not recognize the bottle. He picks the bottle up. He reads what is printed on the label. He still does not know what it is.

He pours some of what is in the bottle into the glasses. He smells it. It is strong.

Agatha says: ‘There.'

She pushes a button. The projector turns on.

She sits down on the sofa. She picks up one of the glasses. She says: ‘Cheers.' She touches her glass to Emile's.

She drinks from her glass. Emile sips from his. The projector clatters and throws light on the wall. Agatha settles into the sofa.

She touches Emile's arm. She says: ‘I'm excited to see this.' There is a room.

There is nothing moving in the room. There are two puppets here. They are standing close to each other. The suitcase that one of them was in is next to them. She has just stepped out of it.

She is standing next to the other one. He said things and now they are not saying things. He is holding her hand. She is resting her head on his chest.

It is quiet. They are not moving. They are waiting for what happens next.

The light in the room is dim. It keeps flickering. It is hard to see what is in the room. They are standing on a carpet. It is in the middle of the room. There is a bed against one wall and a dresser against another. The dresser is old.

Everything is old and falling apart.

He takes a step away from her.

Her head stays where it was when it was resting on his chest. She did not want him to step away. He lets go of her hand. It falls to her side.

He takes another step away from her.

It is what has to happen next. She does not try to stop him. She knows that it is what has to happen next.

He takes another step.

He is wearing a pair of boots and a jacket. The boots are heavy. He moves like he is not used to their weight.

She stands where she is. Where they were. She watches him moving away from her. She has not moved. She is watching him.

It is like she is figuring out what he is doing.

Her hands are touching in front of her body. She is not standing as straight as she could be. It is like she is nervous. But she watches him.

He is wearing a pair of boots and a jacket. The jacket is tattered. There is a patch sewn onto the back of it. It is covering a hole. There is a suitcase beside him. It is not the suitcase she was inside. It is small enough for him to pick up.

He bends down. He picks up the suitcase.

The light is dim. It flickers on and off. It is on top of the dresser and there is a lampshade over it. It is heavy with lace and trim. And dust. The room is heavy with dust. The light does not fill it. There is dust and darkness in all the corners.

He has the suitcase in his hand.

He walks away.

She cannot quite see him anymore. It is too dark. She does not look troubled that she cannot quite see him.

She stands with her hands held in front of her. She watches him.

The light flickers. It is dark. He keeps walking.

He is gone.

She cannot see him anymore. She can hear him walking. She does not know where he is. She does not know where he is going. All she can hear is the sound his boots make when he walks.

She turns her head away from the sound. Her shoulders slump and her whole body starts to sink. Her head starts to drop. She does not let her head drop. She raises it. She uses her hands to move the hair out of her face.

She stands straight.

She takes a step. She takes another step. She starts to walk.

She cannot hear him walking anymore. She hears a streetcar come. It does not stop. The sound of it rises and then falls away. There are things in the dark. Beyond the dresser and the bed and the lamp.

She goes towards them.

She is at the window. She moves the curtains aside.

There are lights on in the street outside. There are always lights on in the streets. They flicker in the dark. The city does not ever stop. She can see the streetcar moving away from her.

She puts her hands to the window. There is no one on the streetcar. There is no one out on the street.

She looks. There is nothing to see.

In the room there is a bed and there is a dresser. There is a suitcase open in the middle of the room. She feels around the edges of the window. She is looking for the latch. She opens the latch.

She pushes against the glass. The window opens.

She puts her hands on the window ledge. She steps through the window with one leg and then the other leg. She is hanging on to the window ledge with her hands.

A breeze lifts her dress up. The wind is cold against her legs.

She lowers herself into it.

She does not look back.

She lets go of the window. She falls to the ground. It is quiet. Then there is the sound of her taking a step, and then another step.

She is walking away.

Another streetcar goes by. It rings its bell as it goes through the intersection.

She is gone.

She is gone and everything goes black.

The film ends.

Agatha and Emile are sitting on her sofa. There is a table in front of the sofa. There is a bottle on it. Beside the bottle there are two glasses.

Agatha leans forward. She takes one of the glasses from the table. She drinks from the glass. She swallows. Emile can see her throat move when she swallows.

She puts her hand to her hair. Her hair is piled on top of her head. She checks to make sure it is still piled on top of her head.

She puts her glass back down on the table. She looks at Emile. She smiles. It is not a wolfish smile. There is something sad in her eyes. She says: ‘Oh, Emile.'

She is not sure what else to say.

She stands up. She sways for a moment.

The projector is still running. Agatha walks over to the projector. She turns it off.

It clatters and then it stops. The room is dark. Emile takes the other glass from the table. He sips from it.

Agatha says: ‘That was fantastic.'

She walks from the projector to the sofa. She is drunk. She is not moving steadily.

There is a lamp beside the sofa. Agatha turns the lamp on. She sits down beside Emile.

She does not say anything. She smiles. Her glass is on the table. She picks it up. She touches her glass to Emile's.

Her smile is wolfish again.

She says: ‘Let me show it to some friends of mine.'

Emile drinks from his glass. He does not know what they are drinking. He is not sure that he likes it. He does not feel well. Agatha touches his arm.

She says: ‘You wouldn't mind, would you?'

Emile shakes his head. He says: ‘It is okay.'

Agatha drinks from her glass again. Emile does not drink from his glass.

She tips her head back. She empties her glass into her mouth. She licks her lips. Emile is sitting beside her on the sofa. He is holding on to his glass with both hands.

She reaches for the bottle. She pours some of what is in it into her glass.

She says: ‘Emile. Give me your glass.'

Emile gives her his glass. She pours some of what is in the bottle into Emile 's glass.

She puts the bottle back on the table. The bottle is almost empty. It was not almost empty when Emile arrived.

She picks up her glass with one hand. She picks up Emile's glass with her other hand.

She moves closer to Emile. She gives Emile his glass. Her skirt rides up on her legs.

She looks Emile in the eye. She touches Emile's glass with hers. She brings her glass to her mouth.

She drinks. She is looking at Emile. She is drunk. Her eyes are heavy.

Emile looks at his glass. He ducks his head down. He is breathing too fast. He does not like what they are drinking. He drinks from his glass.

Agatha touches his leg with her hand.

Agatha puts her glass on the table. She stands up. Standing up makes her dizzy. She rests her head in her hands until she feels less dizzy.

She straightens her skirt. She goes into her bedroom.

She comes out of her bedroom carrying a blanket. She puts it over Emile. He is lying crumpled on the sofa.

She bends over him. She touches his face with her hand. She says: ‘Good night, Emile.'

He moves slightly. He settles under the blanket.

Agatha smiles. It is not a wolfish smile.

She kisses his cheek.

She picks his glass up off the floor. She puts it on the table. She turns out the light.

She goes back to her bedroom. She goes inside. She closes the door behind her.

Emile,

I went back to the train station. I went inside. I bought a ticket.

I spoke to the same woman who was there the day you left. She
was still knitting that sweater. She stopped knitting to sell me a ticket
and then she picked up her knitting again.

She didn't recognize me. I wanted her to recognize me. I wanted
her to know what this meant. But I was just a girl to her.

I don't want to be just a girl.

I went out onto the platform. I had the cigarette butt from when
you left. I put it back where I found it. It is just a cigarette butt. It
can't be anything more than that.

I have nothing now, Emile. I don't know what will happen next.
I don't know what I will do.

I am leaving.

I will not be the girl who lives over the grocery store. Not anymore.
I don't know what I will be. I don't know and I am smiling.

I love you, Emile.

12

Isobel wakes up.

She is in her bed. She is lying between the sheets. It is light out. It is morning. There is light coming in through the window. It is not very much light. It is too early in the morning for there to be very much light.

There are specks of dust floating in the light.

Isobel sits up in bed. She pulls at her hair. She pulls at her hair and then she pulls it behind her head. She ties it into a knot so that it stays at the back of her head.

She gets out of bed. She goes over to the sink. She runs water into the sink.

She is standing in front of the sink. She is waiting for the sink to fill. There is a mirror over the sink. She can see herself in the mirror.

She looks at herself.

She is tall. She has dark hair and dark eyes. She is thin. She is not as thin as she was. She is stronger now. Her eyes are harder.

There is a washcloth beside the sink. She uses it to wash her face. She takes her underwear off. She uses the washcloth to wash the rest of her body.

When she is done she dries herself with the towel hanging next to the sink.

She goes to where her dress is lying on the floor. She picks it up. She puts it on. It is plain and grey. It is good for working in.

There is a suitcase by the door. There are other clothes inside it. They are new. Isobel bought them.

She goes past the suitcase. She leaves the room. She goes down the stairs. She is in the room at the back of the grocery store.

Mr. Koch is not here yet. He will be here soon but he is not here yet. It is still too early.

Isobel goes out into the alley. She is at the top of the steps that go down into the alley. She props the door open with the brick that Mr. Koch leaves beside the door.

Isobel is carrying a pack of cigarettes. It is in her hand. She takes a cigarette out of the pack. She puts it between her lips. She lights it with a match.

She draws on the cigarette.

She exhales.

She sits down on the top step. She holds her cigarette in her hand.