Isobel and Emile (9 page)

The tears were hot. They hurt her.

She is sitting on the steps behind a grocery store. She is just a girl. It is the middle of the night. It is cold outside. She is cold. She is smoking a cigarette.

She is here.

Her body hurts. Her body has not hurt like this before. She has not worked like this before. She is dirty. She wears the same dress all the time. She has no reason to keep clean. She does not know how to make her body stop hurting.

She is here because she does not know where else she could be.

She finishes her cigarette.

She stands up. She walks up the steps to the door. She takes the key out of her pocket. She unlocks the door. She goes inside. There are no windows in this room. There is only the light coming in through the door.

Isobel closes the door. It is dark. There are things in the room. She walks through the room. It does not matter that it is dark. She knows where the things in the room are. She walks without bumping into the things in the room.

She goes to the stairs. She opens the door to the room at the top of the stairs. It is not really a room. It is the attic. She goes inside.

It is dark in the room. It is not as dark as it is downstairs. There is a window in the room. There is light from the alley outside coming in. It is not much light. It is still dark in the room.

It is her room.

She walks to the middle of the room. She pulls the cord hanging from the ceiling. The light turns on.

There is a bed in the room. There is a sink on one of the walls. There is a towel hanging on the wall next to the sink.

Isobel walks to the bed. She sits on it. She does not take her dress off. She sits on the bed. She looks at her room.

It is what she has here.

She does not know anywhere else she could be. She is here.

She is sitting on the bed. There is a blanket on the bed. She takes her dress off.

She has to learn to like being here.

It is cold in the room. She shivers. She crawls under the blanket on the bed. She knows she is not going to go to sleep.

There is nothing else to do. She is naked. She crawls under the blanket on the bed. She closes her eyes.

The light from the alley is on the ceiling. The ceiling is made of planks of wood. Isobel has her eyes closed. She does not see the light on the ceiling.

She does not go to sleep.

It is cold. It is not as cold under the blanket. Isobel does not need to have her arms wrapped around her body. She is lying on her back. She is lying with her arms by her sides.

She puts one of her hands between her legs. She closes her eyes tighter. She does not want to be here. She has to learn to cope with being here.

She lets her mouth open. She has one hand between her legs. She presses her legs together. She touches herself with her hand. She is trying to remember what it was like. She is starting to forget what it was like. She touches her mouth with her other hand.

She bites down on her fingers.

She wants it to mean something. She needs it to mean something. She opens her mouth. She closes her eyes tighter. She tilts her head back. Her legs are pressed together. Her mouth opens wider.

She lets her breath out. She is lying on her back. She puts her arms by her sides. She is in a bed. The bed has plain white sheets. She is lying between the sheets. There is a blanket over her.

She curls her legs up against her body.

She does not remember what it was like. She is lying in a bed. She wants to go to sleep. She does not go to sleep.

Her eyes are open. She sees the light from the alley on the ceiling. It is coming in through the window. There are curtains on the window. They are flimsy. The light shines through them.

It is the middle of the night. She looks at the light on the ceiling. It is from the street lights in the alley. It is coming in through the window.

Dear Emile,

I am sitting in your room. I know that it is not your room, you are
gone and I am the one who lives here now. I know. But still, I want to
say that it's your room. It's ridiculous. I don't ever say that it's your
room. It would make Mr. Koch shake his head and sigh. But I want to.

It only makes sense for me to be here if it's your room.

I wake up in the night. I don't sleep well anymore, Emile. I wake
up in the night and I'm lying in your bed. This is when it matters most
that it's your bed. I'm not entirely awake, but I'm not still asleep
either. I am in a place somewhere in between. I can't tell if I'm
seeing things or if I'm dreaming them. No, it's not that I can't tell. I
can't remember what the di
ff
erence is.

I want you, Emile. I am lying in your bed and I want you. The
blanket lying over me is you. I know that it's not you but I can't
remember what the di
ff
erence is.

I wrap my legs around it and I hold you close to me. I bury my
face in your shoulder. I bite down on my lip.

It helps me to sleep. I am tired, Emile. I am always tired. I need
to sleep and I can't. I don't know why.

It helps. You help me.

I love you.

7

There is a suitcase in Emile 's closet.

It is the suitcase he had on the train. The knapsack he had on the train is on the floor. It is empty. Some of the clothes that were in it are put away and some of them are the floor.

It is morning. There is sunlight coming in through the window. There is not much sunlight coming in through the window. The window is too small.

Emile is asleep. He will not be asleep much longer. Nicolas is awake. He is moving around in the kitchen.

Emile hears him. He wakes up. He gets out of bed. He is wearing an undershirt and his underwear. He puts his trousers on. They were on the floor beside his bed. He rubs at his eyes. His hair is sticking up from his head. Emile has unremarkable hair. It is kind of blond. It is always messy.

Emile opens the door to his room. He steps out.

Nicolas sees him come out of his room. He takes two cups out of the cupboard. He puts them on the table. Emile goes over to the table. He sits down. Nicolas pours coffee into the two cups.

Nicolas sits down at the table. He takes one of the cups. Emile takes the other cup. Emile looks into his cup. Nicolas drinks from his.

They do not say anything.

Emile looks into his cup of coffee. He says: ‘What happened to your paintings?'

Nicolas drinks from his cup again. He puts it down on the table. It is not early in the morning. The sun is coming in the kitchen window.

Nicolas shakes his head.

He says: ‘I don't have the time anymore.'

Emile says: ‘What happened to them?'

Nicolas says: ‘They're in my closet.'

Emile looks into his cup of coffee. He drinks from it. He does not say anything. Nicolas drinks from his cup.

Nicolas says: ‘Are you meeting Agatha today?'

Emile nods his head.

They drink from their cups again.

Nicolas says: ‘Do you want to go for breakfast first?'

Emile shrugs his shoulders. Nicolas waits for him to say something. Emile does not say anything. He nods his head again.

Emile and Nicolas sit at the table. They drink from their cups of coffee. When their cups are empty, they put them down on the table.

They stand up.

They leave their cups on the table. They can wash them when they come back. They put their coats on. They leave the apartment.

Emile opens the suitcase.

He is sitting on the floor in his room. It is dark outside. Nicolas is working at the bar. Emile is alone. The suitcase is on the floor in front of him. It is an old suitcase. There are leather straps around it.

He undoes the leather straps around the suitcase. He opens the suitcase.

There is a girl inside it.

She is not the only thing in the suitcase. There are arms and legs and other bodies. They are wrapped in cloth. They are puppets. They are not moving. They are still and silent.

She is lying on her side. Her legs are curled up against her body. The other puppets are lying beside her. They are pressed against her. She is holding her head in her hands.

Her fingers are digging into her hair. She is moving. She is not moving very much. She cannot move very much. There are other bodies pressing against her. She is stirring like she is asleep.

She moves suddenly. She raises her head, like she is awake now. She tries to move her arms and legs but she cannot move her arms and legs. The other bodies are too close to her.

She wriggles. She pushes against them. She puts her feet against the bottom of the suitcase and she pushes herself up.

She is standing.

She sways. It is like she did not think that she could stand up. Her dress is twisted around her body. It is black. It is made from an old scrap of cloth. She moves her hands to straighten it.

She turns her head, like she is looking around.

Emile is there. His hair is sticking up from his head. His clothes are old and tattered. They have been mended. If they had not been mended, they would have fallen apart.

He is standing with his hands together in front of him. He is not really Emile. He is a puppet that looks like Emile.

He is watching her.

She moves her hands over her dress. It is the same black dress she wore before. She moves her hands through her hair so that it is not in her face. Her hair is very long. It is not easy to get it so that it is not in her face.

When her hair is not in her face she looks at Emile. He is standing in front of her. He is watching her. She looks at Emile and then she turns her head to look past him.

She is standing in Emile's room. She did not know that she was in Emile 's room. She had been inside the suitcase. Emile is standing in front of her. She does not look at him. She looks around the room.

Emile says: ‘I am here now.'

She stops looking around the room. She looks where Emile is standing. He is standing in front of the open suitcase. She is still standing inside it. She tilts her head. It is like she is curious. It is like she is waiting for him to say more.

Emile says: ‘I left.'

Before they were in this room Emile said that he was going to go. They were in another room. They were lying on a bed. The bed was made with plain white sheets. She listened when he said: ‘I am going to go.'

She said: ‘I know.'

Now, she shakes her head. It does not matter anymore. He left. Everything is different. She is standing in the suitcase he had when he left.

Emile says: ‘There are things happening.'

She lifts one of her feet up. She puts it down on one of the bundles of cloth around her. She steps onto it. The thing shifts under her. It would moan if it could. She puts her arms out to balance herself. She is closer to where Emile is standing.

He says: ‘I want to tell you what's happening.'

She lifts her other foot. She puts it on the edge of the suitcase. She balances on the edge of the suitcase and then she takes a step. She is not in the suitcase anymore. She is standing in the light. It is an electric light. It is the lamp on top of the dresser. She has been in the suitcase. It was dark in the suitcase. She is not used to light. She lifts her hands up to shield her eyes.

In the room over the grocery store, the light had been harsh. It was too bright. The sun came in through the window in the morning and it was too bright.

Isobel would kick the sheets away. She would roll over on top of him and hold his face in the light. He would try to turn away but she would hold him.

He would wake up.

They would sit in the bed together. They would look at each other in the light that was too bright. They could see each other too well.

They did not mind.

The light here is not bright. It is an electric light. It is dim and it flickers and it makes a buzzing sound. The two puppets are standing in the light the lamp makes. They are looking at each other.

There are people going by on the street outside. There is a streetcar coming.

She looks at him standing in front of her. She tilts her head. It is like she is curious. She looks around the room like she knows that there are things happening outside.

Emile says: ‘I am not sure what's happening.'

She wants to know what is happening. There are people who have stopped to talk in the street outside. They have deep voices. It sounds like they have thick moustaches. They are talking quickly and heatedly. She can hear them. She does not know what they are saying but she can hear them speaking.

He says: ‘I don't know what is going to happen.'

She looks at Emile. She should say something. It is like she knows she should say something. He wants her to.

She does not say anything. There is nothing for her to say.

Emile reaches for her hand. They are standing beside each other. She pulls his hand closer to her. She rests her head on him. He puts his arm around her body.

The wood of their bodies makes a hard sound when they touch.

He says: ‘I don't know what I am going to do.'

She burrows her face into his neck. He touches her hair with his hand. He looks up at the ceiling.

Her hair is glued to the top of her head. Under her hair her head is made of wood.

He says: ‘I don't know.'

The streetcar has gone. It is late. There are no more sounds coming in through the window.

Emile puts his hands down. There are strings tangled around his fingers. He untangles the strings from his fingers. His body is hunched over. He raises his hands over his head. He stretches his body so that his back straightens.

His body does not straighten all the way. Emile's shoulders are always a bit hunched over. He is kneeling near his bed.

He stands up. He walks over to the corner of the room. There is a camera there. It is on a tripod. He turns it off. It had been making a clicking sound. It stops. He turns the lamp on the dresser off. He goes out of his room.