Into the Storm (23 page)

I heard Rabbit’s soft footsteps coming down the hall. I braced myself for the conversation we were about to have. She came in silently and sat down beside me. I turned to her, wincing at the sight of her ravaged features.

“
I made some sandwiches,” I offered, not sure where to start.

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry right now.”

I nodded. I wasn’t either.

“
I heard voices earlier. Was Cecilia here?”

I nodded. “And Trevor,” I added.

“
Why?” she whispered, her voice trembling.

I faced her and reached for her hand. I could feel the tremor in it as she stared at me.

“
He is helping me set up some things, so you can go home … Elizabeth.”

Her hand tightened in mine.

“
Rabbit. I’m Rabbit,” she protested.

I shook my head. “No, your name is Elizabeth. And soon, you’re going home to your husband.”

She pulled her hand away. “What am I going to do—just show up and say ‘oh, sorry, I forgot about you and I’ve been sleeping with someone else. But I’m back so let’s carry on?’ Is that what I’m supposed to do, Joshua? Pretend you didn’t happen? That
we
didn’t happen?”

I looked at her. “Exactly. Listen to me,
Elizabeth
. I don’t exist. When you leave here, it has to be as if we never happened. Do you understand me? You weren’t here.”

She stared at me. “Where was I then, Joshua? I’m pretty sure someone is going to ask me that.”

“
You were found by someone the night of the storm, by a care worker at a small, private care home. They have been looking after you. You’ve had amnesia, and with the aftermath of the storm, they only just saw the news article about you and contacted the authorities. They were without power or phone lines and were unable to contact the police when they first found you.”

She shook her head. “But, I wasn’t. I was here.”

“
It will all be documented. Unquestionably. There will be nothing leading you here.”

“
I don’t understand.”

“
The care home is privately run by a good friend who is a doctor. Trevor contacted him and he agreed to do this for me … as a personal favor. And, in turn, the care home will get a much needed cash donation.”

“
And that’s it? It’s over? Done? I don’t get a say?”

“
And what would you say? You want to stay here? You don’t love your husband or miss your life? You don’t
know
that, so you can’t say it.”

“
I know what I feel for you,” she whispered.

The pain was like a punch in the gut. “You’ll go back to your real life, Elizabeth, and I’ll just become a memory you can think of every so often.”

She stood up, anger rolling off her.

“
Is that what you think, Joshua? That I’ll just carry on and everything will be fine? I’ll forget about
you
instead of him? That I’ll just pick up where I left off? You think my feelings for you aren’t real? That’s how shallow you think I am?”

I shook my head. “No … Rabbit. I know you feel something for me. I just don’t think it’s based on reality. You’re still confused and grateful. It will fade once you are back where you belong.”

“
It will
fade
? Where I
belong
? Fuck you, Joshua,” she hissed.

I stared at her, my mouth agape. She so rarely swore or expressed anger.

She turned and walked away, slamming the bedroom door behind her. I sat down on the sofa in utter shock. I looked at Bear in astonishment, and then quickly averted my eyes as I saw his expression.

I was pretty sure if he could talk, he’d tell me to fuck off as well.

The sound of Rabbit crying out woke me from my restless sleep on the sofa. Immediately, I ran to the bedroom where she was sobbing in her sleep, twisting restlessly in the blankets. I sat beside her and gathered her in my arms, hushing her, waking her from her nightmare. Once fully awake, her arms tightened around my neck and her sobs started again.

“
Don’t, Joshua. Don’t make me leave you. Please,” her shaking voice pleaded, tearing at my already aching heart. “I love you ... I love you …” her voice trailed off in a deep sob.

I couldn’t speak as my own tears finally rolled down my face, soaking into her hair. I kept rocking her, making soft noises until I felt her grow heavy against my chest, pulled back into sleep with exhaustion. I laid her back down but her arms remained locked around me. Sighing, I lay beside her and pulled the blankets up around us, wishing I could make the world go away as easily by hiding under the covers.

The first things I saw when I woke up in the light of the morning were Rabbit’s eyes gazing at me solemnly. The pain I saw in them reflected my own agony back at me. I raised my hand and stroked her cheek gently.

“
You’re sending me back, aren’t you? No matter what I say?” she whispered.

I nodded. “It’s the right thing to do. I can’t keep you … no matter how much I want to. If the roles were reversed …” I shuddered, thinking how I would feel. “We have to do this.”

“
Do you want to?”

“
I love you, Rabbit,” I said simply.

Her eyes closed for a few minutes. When they opened, she looked at me with resignation. “I won’t fight you, Joshua. You’ve made your decision. Part of me knows you’re right. But I want something.”

“
What?” I’d give her anything.

“
I don’t know when I’m leaving. I don’t know if it’s in two hours or two days, and … I don’t want to know because it will be all I dwell on. But until I do, I’m Rabbit.
Your
Rabbit
. Give me that. Please.”

My heart hurt so much I was sure it was about to explode. I stared at her precious face, trying to commit it to memory. I knew what she was asking and I would give it to her. I nodded slowly and pulled her to me. I captured her mouth with mine and kissed her deeply, my body already responding to her plea.

“
Mine.”

The pain we were both feeling was sensed no matter how we tried to ignore it. Rabbit clung to me and I hated even being in a different room than she was. She encouraged every touch, every kiss, to become more and I gave her everything she wanted. I needed her as much as she needed me.

More than once, I found her at the computer studying the pictures of her and Brian. I watched her staring intently at the screen and could see how hard she was trying to recall a memory, but nothing seemed to stimulate her recollection. Her headaches continued but I was now certain they were related to the stress of her memory loss.

She was highly emotional and my own responses simmered just below the surface. Everything was intense. One look could send her into a frenzy of tears, just as a glance from her would have me pulling her onto the nearest surface and taking her in a desperate need to imprint the memory of her skin into mine. Words that should have been exchanged and conversations that should have happened were disregarded. We were both perched precariously on an emotional ledge and neither of us was able to cope with much more. Bear spent most of his time with his head buried in his paws looking sad. He could sense the stress and sadness around us, and although he didn’t understand it, it affected him as well. He especially hated it when Rabbit would begin to sob and often his great head would bury itself in her lap in furry comfort, a soft whine coming from his throat.

Two mornings later, I looked over at the clock. It was seven. Cecilia and Trevor would be here soon. Everything was in place. A couple of hours from now, I would once again be alone. But this time I would really know just how alone I was in my secluded world.

I looked down at Rabbit who had only slept fitfully in the night again. Even though we hadn’t discussed it, I think she sensed last night was our final night together. Our lovemaking had been stained with a feeling of desperation and she had clung to me afterwards, sobbing. I had lain awake all night watching her, absorbing and memorizing all the little details of her in the light I left burning. I couldn’t stand the thought of wasting time sleeping. I would have the rest of my life to do that. I watched her briefly for a few more minutes and then leaned forward and pressed my lips softly against her forehead in a silent farewell, fighting back my emotions. I slid from the bed and grabbed some clothes. I commanded Bear to come with me and I quickly dressed with shaking hands in the kitchen, and then surprised him by snapping a leash on his collar. I stood feeling lost for a minute, then headed out to the barn.