Into the Light (19 page)

CHAPTER 19

Sara

I ran my fingers along the surface of the bed, making sure that the blankets were straight and the pillows were in place. I wasn’t sure if I’d always done these domesticated-type things, but I supposed I had. Jacob hadn’t been the one to tell me I needed to do them, or that they were my responsibility. It had been Sister Lilith, during her training. I didn’t mind. To be honest, on my first full day of freedom from my hospital room since my accident, I enjoyed doing anything. Besides, this place wasn’t that big, so there wasn’t too much I could do.

Since Jacob had left for Assembly, I’d washed our breakfast dishes, straightened the living room, and made the bed. I didn’t know if he’d notice, but doing it made me feel as if I’d accomplished something.

As I sat on the edge of the freshly made bed, my thoughts went to unmaking it . . . with my husband. So far all I could remember was actually sleeping with him, his arm around me and my head on his shoulder. The steady beat of his heart and the rhythm of his breaths gave me comfort. Though I couldn’t wait to see him with my eyes, in my mind I’d created a picture. While he slept, I’d gently traced his face. I’d lightly run my finger over his brow and nose, and along his defined jaw. I’d caressed his shoulders and felt the definition of his muscles. His hardness had pushed against my hips, and I knew that the top of my head fit under his chin when we stood and he held me close. I had no way of knowing if the image I’d created was accurate, but in my heart I remembered the scruffy jaw I’d detected with my touch, and piercing blue eyes.

Smiling, I remembered inviting him to sleep with me at the clinic. Though I had been nervous, I was glad I’d done it. I’d had no way of knowing it would be our last night there; however, having spent the one night in his arms made our first night here more comfortable. My thoughts drifted to that night after service, the hunger in his touch and the way his lips had claimed my body. Just the memories made me tingle. Lying back on the bed, I held my side and sighed. If only he weren’t so worried about my ribs.

Courtesy of the truck ride yesterday, the injury was more aggravated then it had been. I’d tried hiding it. Shaking my head, I wondered if it was possible to hide anything from him. According to Elizabeth it wasn’t allowed. The way I saw it, I wasn’t lying. I was withholding information for the benefit of both of us. By the way his breathing became labored and his body hardened that night at the clinic, I wasn’t the only one who wanted to make love.

It seemed as if it didn’t matter if I told Jacob what I was thinking or not; he knew. Somehow he always seemed to know, sometimes even before I did. Maybe it was because we’d been together so long.

If only I could remember how long.

The sound of the rising garage door pulled me from my carnal thoughts, and I covered my cheeks. With a giggle I hoped they weren’t as flushed as they felt. If they were, he would know what I’d been thinking . . . I shook my head. I didn’t want that conversation. Exhaling, I willed the pink away.

When I heard the garage door lowering, I stood and made my way toward the stairs. Wearing the boot on my right foot made walking with my cast much easier. As I approached the landing, I took a deep breath and visualized the stairs. Since I’d counted them multiple times, I knew there were fifteen steps. I might not have my sight, but I was trying to be as self-sufficient as possible. I made it only to the second step from the top when I heard his voice.

“Sara?”

“I’m coming down,” I called, taking one step at a time, cautious not to go too fast.

Even before I reached the bottom step, I knew he was there. When we went to service, I’d realized why I associated him with the scent of leather; it was his coat. When he wasn’t wearing it, just the right amount of aroma lingered around him. When he wore it, as now, the leather scent was overpowering. That, plus the sound of his boots walking and stopping on the wood floor, prompted me to stop on the fourteenth step. If I went one more, I was afraid I’d run into him.

“Sara.” His voice came from very close.

Gripping the banister, I tilted my face toward his. Smiling and hoping my cheeks had returned to their normal color, I replied, “Yes?”

“Did you hear the garage door go up?”

“Yes.”

“And what did you think that meant?”

“I assumed it meant you were here.”

“So you knew I was home and yet you chose to not greet me?”

What the hell?

“Answer me,” he demanded, his tone now too calm. “Why weren’t you waiting for me at the door?”

The thoughts I’d entertained upstairs evaporated. I knew this tone. I not only recognized it, but with everything in me, I wanted to avoid it. My heartbeat quickened and my mouth dried like the Sahara. “I was on my—”

Interrupting, he rebuked, “On your way is not there, waiting as you’re supposed to be. When I return, I expect to find you waiting for me, greeting your husband.”

The bubble of apprehension that had waned and waxed in my chest since I awoke nearly three weeks earlier began to grow. “At the door . . . wh . . . I’m sorry . . . I didn’t know . . .
you
didn’t tell me to—”

He grasped my arm, the harsh movement a stark contrast to the eerie calmness of his voice. “Do tell, Sara, are you blaming me for your forgetfulness?”

What the hell is his problem?

“I’m sorry,” I pleaded. “I’m not blaming . . . I didn’t remember. If you told me . . . from now on, I’ll do it.”

“Must I remind you of everything?”

“I’m trying to remember; I am. I’ll be there from now on, at the door, when you come home.”

“Perhaps you need a reminder?”

My body sagged and my knees weakened. The bubble within me grew and popped, filling my nervous system with dread. “No. I don’t need a reminder. I’ll remember from now on. Please give me another chance.” If it hadn’t been for his iron grip on my forearm, I might have fallen to the step where I stood.

If I had, I wasn’t sure if it would have been because of the sudden dizziness his tone induced, the bout of trembling, or that it would’ve enabled me to beg. It wasn’t something I was proud of considering, but to avoid his belt, at that moment, I was willing.

“Sara, go to the door.”

Inhaling more pleas, I nodded. When he released my arm, I stepped down and down again. Around the steps, past the closet, I found the door between the living quarters and the garage.

He was right behind me, his voice still eerily calm. “You may stand or kneel; the choice has always been yours.”

I swallowed the vile bile bubbling from my stomach. In that moment I couldn’t for the life of me fathom that merely minutes ago I had been having pleasant thoughts about this man. I also couldn’t imagine kneeling.

Who does that?

I brought my feet together, straightened my neck, and said, “I’ll stand, thank you.”

He reached for my chin and lowered it.

“This is where you are to be when I arrive, and if you choose to stand, your head will be bowed.”

“Yes, Jacob.”

I didn’t move from where I had been told to be, as the rustling of his coat filled the silence.

“Reach out your hands. You may take my coat and hang it in the closet under the stairs.”

It was heavier than I’d expected, causing me to wobble slightly when he laid it in my arms. Inside the closet I fumbled until I found a hanger. Once his coat was secure, I closed the door. When I turned he was right in front of me, grasping my shoulders. I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth and waited for the order I didn’t want to hear.

Will he tell me to go to the bathroom like last time, or our bedroom?

“Sara, we have so much happening right now. I do not want, nor do I have time, to rehash basics. You must remember.”

The tears teetered as I nodded within his grip. “I’m trying.”

“Trying and doing are two different things. Remember that. If you can’t, the next time I won’t be as lenient.”

My body sagged with the rush of relief that I wasn’t going to be corrected. “Thank you, Jacob. I will be waiting next time.”

He took my hand and led me to the couch. Handing me a tissue, he said, “I’m going to tell you exactly why we came out here, out of the community.” His calmness was gone. The voice beckoning me was my husband’s, that of the man I wanted to know.

“Thank you,” I said cautiously, taking the tissue.

“They figured it out.”

“I don’t understand.”

“They know that I answered for you, when Brother Timothy was in your room.”

My trembling resumed. “What . . . I don’t know what that means. He said I needed to go before the Commission.”

“You don’t. At least not right now. I’ve been before them, multiple times.”

“You have? In my place?”

Devotion and sadness rang in his words. “You’ve been through enough. I tried.”

“But you told them the truth.”

His grip on my hands tightened. “I told them what I thought was best.”

Everything inside me screamed to ask, to question. Instead I waited.

“Do you remember the way you reacted in the hospital, before I slapped you?”

Ashamed of the memory, I nodded and softly replied, “Yes.”

“That’s how you were before the accident. You were upset, grabbed my keys, and rushed out. I didn’t know your intentions, but the Commission decided that you were trying to leave The Light.”

I shook my head frantically. “No! I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t leave you, or The Light, or Father Gabriel.” The shaking of my head slowed, and I tilted it to the side. “I don’t think I would.”

“I want to believe that. I want to believe that it was a misunderstanding.”

My head ached as I desperately searched my memories. “I don’t remember anything . . .”

His large palms framed my cheeks. “Sara, I’ve put everything on the line for you. We must be honest with one another.”

I nodded.

“Would you rather leave and go back to the dark, than be here . . . with me?”

I pulled from his grip and stood. The sudden disconnection gave me the strength I needed to think. One minute I’d fantasized about him, the next I’d feared him. Each step that took me away from him shed light on my answer. Stopping on the other side of the sofa, I took a deep breath and began, “I’m being completely honest. I don’t remember anything before waking in the hospital.”

“Anything?”

My head moved slowly from side to side.

“And?” he asked.

“And all I know is what’s happened since.” I paused. “I know that you’ve been with me. Not just
with
me, but I’ve heard you fight for me. I heard what you said to Dr. Newton. I trust that you were protecting me with Brother Timothy, and now you just said that you’ve testified for me.” I took a deep breath. “I know that you care for me, that you want me, and you love me enough to correct me.” Sighing, I made my way back to him, sat, and palmed his cheeks. His stubbly jaw abraded my hands and reminded me of the way it tantalized my breasts. “Jacob, I’ll continue to apologize for not remembering, but just because I don’t remember, doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I have no idea what I was doing that day or why I took your truck, but I promise, now, I want to be here, with you.”

“Sara,
here
isn’t where we should be.”

My hands dropped to my lap as I tried to comprehend his meaning.

Compared to the hospital, I like here.

“We’ve been temporarily banished,” he explained.

Unable to think or reason, I stopped breathing. That was the word Brother Timothy had used.
Banished.
“What about your position? Are they taking it away? What about your job? Why did they do this? What will happen to us? What about our friends? Is there anything we can do?”

He reached for my hands and held them still.

“Stop. I can’t even count the number of times you just questioned.”

Though I knew from his tone that I wasn’t truly in trouble, I lowered my chin, ashamed that I’d suddenly forgotten all my training.

He lifted my unseeing eyes to his. “This is it,” he continued to explain. “This is our punishment. No one, other than the occasional Commissioner or his wife, will be allowed to see us or speak to us for the next two weeks. No friends, no service, only isolation.”

My chest pounded, and then after a moment I squeezed his hands and asked, “May I still have you? May we have each other?”

“Do you still want me?” Jacob asked.

I nodded. “I don’t know why I did what I did. I don’t remember taking your truck, but please, believe me, I’m sorry, and I won’t do it again.” I leaned toward him and rested my cheek on his chest. “From what I’ve learned since I’ve awoken, I do. I do want you. I don’t understand everything that you expect out of me, but I do want you.”

His embrace surrounded me. “I can’t tell you how good that is to hear.”

I sat back, pulling away. “Wait.” The alarm was louder than my words. “Do you still want me?”

He pulled me back to his chest and chuckled. “You have no idea how badly I want you, but Sara, you have at least one broken rib.”

I let the tips of my lips move upward and shrugged. “I think I gave you an option. I’m a little scared to repeat it.”

He brushed my cheek. “There are some things that, while said in the privacy of our home, or personal space like a clinic bed . . . are not only acceptable, but valued.”

“Valued, not heeded?”

Jacob lifted my face toward his. The tips of our noses brushed one another as he shook his head. “So much questioning . . .”

Though he’d just reprimanded me, his breathing told me that correction was not uppermost on his mind. I tilted my lips toward his, and his gentle kiss lingered.

“Heal, my dear wife. We’ll get through this, and when we do, we’ll have forever ahead of us.”

“As long as you’re with me, they can banish us for as long as they want.”

“We’re in this together; however, even with our banishment, I have a job to do. Tomorrow I must fly.”

My breathing hitched. “Please, tell me how long you’ll be gone.”