Into the Light (17 page)

CHAPTER 17

Sara

As Jacob slipped my nightgown over my head, my mind swirled with the happenings of the evening. I hadn’t known what to expect at service, and it’d been all right, some parts even nice. With both Elizabeth and Raquel helping me, I’d made it through. My two friends alternated directing me, whispering when it was time to stand or time to sit. I tried to hide what had happened between Jacob and me—my correction—but apparently each time I sat down, the truth was evident. The strange thing, the part I struggled to understand, was that neither of my friends thought it was wrong. Elizabeth even told me she was proud of me for being honest. I thought maybe Raquel would respond differently; after all, she was my friend and my nurse. She’d seen my injuries from the accident and should understand that I didn’t need more. Instead she squeezed my hand, told me she understood, and reminded me that when I prayed, I should thank God for a husband who loved me enough to correct me. Though it didn’t make sense, I followed her advice.

Another part of the evening that left me uneasy came after service. I’d made it until the end, and as my reward, I wanted to be alone with my husband. However, that wasn’t what happened. Instead Brother Benjamin came to us and announced that Brothers Luke and Jacob would be delayed, and then he and Raquel took Elizabeth and me with them to another room. The entire time my heart thudded with questions. It was Elizabeth’s squeeze of my hand that told me what her words couldn’t. Not only didn’t we have a choice, we couldn’t ask why. It wasn’t until later, when I overheard Brother Benjamin speaking with another man, that I even knew our husbands were meeting with Father Gabriel. When I heard that, my stomach twisted, sure that their meeting had something to do with me, with what I’d done.

If it had, after Jacob retrieved me, he never mentioned a word. After all, he’d said my infraction had occurred, had been corrected, and was now done—his responsibility. Maybe he was right. It wasn’t that he seemed upset; it was that he’d hardly spoken. I wanted to ask, to learn if I’d done all right at service and what had happened in his meeting, but the evidence of my earlier correction kept my questions at bay.

Jacob had been right when he’d said that the welts would serve as reminders. Without them I might have blurted out the thousand questions I had running through my head or the one invitation I wanted to bestow. Instead, as he helped me into bed and kissed my forehead, I took a deep breath, bit my lip, and silently scooted all the way to the right.

“Sara, if you’re trying to get away from me, the bed isn’t that big.”

“I’m not trying to get away from you. I’m making room for you.”

“What?” he asked.

“You’ve spent every night since I woke sleeping in that chair. I’m sure you’d be more comfortable in the bed.” I held my breath.

He brushed my cheek.

“You don’t . . .”

I reached for his hand.

“Please, don’t punish me. You said I could ask for things I need, just not question. I’m not questioning why you’ve slept in the chair. I’m asking you to please sleep in the bed.”

He exhaled. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Though the irony of his statement wasn’t lost on me, I heard more than his words; I heard his compassion. His sincerity pulled at my heartstrings and made me smile. “I know it’s up to you, but
if
I could choose, I’d want you here”—I brushed the space beside me—“with me.” The strong, brave front I’d tried to project while outside this room evaporated. “I . . .” My breathing stuttered. “I missed you during service.” The bed moved as he sat.

“Brother Benjamin . . .”

I nodded. Brother Benjamin had told me of Jacob’s delay. That didn’t mean I liked it.

I scooted closer to the far edge of the bed, near the rail. As Jacob lay back against my pillow, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and drew me close. Judging by the texture of his shirt, he was still wearing the clothes he’d worn to service. That probably meant he was only pacifying me; nevertheless I curled my body toward him and rested my head on his chest. His subtle scent reminded me of our body wash, fresh and clean; however, as I buried my cheek in the cotton, his signature leather-and-musk cloud filled my senses.

Though I’d hoped to learn more about his meeting, with the events of the day and the warmth of his silent embrace, in no time at all, I began to drift off to sleep. I was nearly there when Jacob moved. Rolling me to my back, he hovered close and smoothed my long hair away from my face.

“Are you still awake?” he asked, his minty breath blowing over me.

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry . . .”

His simple apology had my full attention. I wasn’t sure I remembered hearing those words from him.

“. . . I meant to tell you how well you did at service.”

I smiled. “Thank you. I was scared, but Raquel and Elizabeth were with me the entire time. And Brother Benjamin,” I added, suddenly fearful of not acknowledging that a man had helped.

He continued to run his fingers through my hair. “I didn’t want you to think that I’d been quiet because of anything you’d done. You were perfect.”

It was difficult for me not to ask the questions running through my tired mind, but lying on my back helped me remember. “Thank you, Jacob. I want you to be proud. I’m sorry that I embarrassed you. I’m sure that’s what Father Gabriel was speaking to you about.”

His hand and breath stilled, as if he was considering his words carefully. “We’re leaving the clinic tomorrow. However, instead of going to our apartment, we’ll be staying at the pole barn for a while.”

“I don’t remember our apartment or the pole barn, but I’ll go wherever you take me.”

His lips brushed mine. The light touch ignited a spark that detonated flickers of yearning throughout my body. I lifted my lips to his, wanting more than the chaste endearment.

“Sara, I . . .” Jacob didn’t complete his sentence; instead his hand slipped behind my head, pulling me toward him. His kiss, no longer apathetic, devoured. Zeal radiated from his lips, and soon his breaths were labored. Like magnets we were drawn toward one another, closer and closer. My body liquefied, becoming pliable to his touch, while conversely, his hardened, ready to claim what was already his.

As the heat of our passion washed over us, I forgot my punishment. My attention went elsewhere. A tug on my hair propelled my head to tilt, while the persistence of his minty tongue encouraged my lips to part. Whimpers and moans reverberated in my mouth and bubbled forth. They were wordless sounds declaring my body’s approval.

The large, strong hands that had delivered pain now brought pleasure. I reached for his broad shoulders, opening my arms and willfully surrendering to his kisses. With a palpable hunger, his mouth moved from my lips to my neck and down to my collarbone. His actions sent shivers to my toes and tremors to my insides. Each kiss moved lower until he reached the neckline of my nightgown. The bra I’d worn to service was gone. My breaths quickened as each button came undone, leaving me bare and exposed to his desires.

The sound of my heart echoed in my ears as he praised my beauty and whispered admiration for what was his. When he wasn’t speaking, his lips moved lower as his five o’clock shadow tantalized my sensitive skin. It was as his skilled fingers joined the assault, kneading my breasts and twisting my hardened nipples, that primal sounds came from in my throat. It wasn’t that I feared speaking. It was that words weren’t forming. Wanting what he could give, I reached for his head, wove my fingers through his hair, and pulled him closer.

Suddenly he stopped and pulled away, leaving me open to the cool air.

Dazed and chilled, I reached for my nightgown. Embarrassed and hurt, I began to button it. “Did I do something wrong?” The cool temperature of the room turned glacial as I realized my mistake. “Jacob, I’m sorry. I know not to question. It’s just that . . .” The whirlwind of my emotions cycloned out of control. Though my nightgown wasn’t completely buttoned, I rolled away, lost in my darkened world, as tears rained onto my pillow.

Reaching for my shoulder, Jacob turned me back toward him, wiped my tears, and kissed my nose. “You are so stubborn. You’re going to be the death of us yet.”

I didn’t understand what had just happened.

How did we go from hot and steamy to frigid in record time?

My heart ached as the bed shifted and Jacob stood. Then seconds later it shifted again to his weight. This time when he pulled me to his chest, his shirt was soft. A T-shirt, I presumed. When I curled into him as I’d done before, my bare leg met his. The skin-to-skin contact brought a smile to my saddened lips. He’d gotten out of bed to remove his clothes, not to leave me. He was going to sleep with me.

He kissed the top of my head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. We’re in a hospital bed in the community clinic. It’s not the most romantic place to make love to my wife.”

I exhaled, thankful he’d explained his reasoning.

Gently rubbing my back, he continued, “Besides, like I said, I’m worried about your ribs. I weigh a lot more than you. I don’t want to make them worse.”

“I don’t have to be on the bottom.”

Oh, shit!
I bit my lip.
Did I really just say that?

The bed shook with the quake of his laughter. “Good night, Sara.”

The next afternoon I burrowed my gloved hands deep inside my thick coat and sat silently as Jacob drove us away from the clinic. Judging from the height of the vehicle as he’d helped me into my seat, we were in a truck. I wanted to ask if it belonged to him.

After all, didn’t I wreck his truck?

Instead I listened as the heater blew ferociously within and the wind howled outside. I was stuck in a battle of temperatures, and judging by my chattering teeth, the outside was winning. I tried to remember the time of year. Elizabeth had mentioned the
dark season
. Based on the temperature, it had to be winter. Then again, I didn’t know if it ever got warm in Far North, Alaska.

Whatever time of year it was, I couldn’t seem to get warm. On one foot I wore the boot from last night. On the other my cast was covered by a sort of sock. Under my long skirt I wore warm leggings, but despite it all, my body still shivered. The farther we drove, the more I thought about my friends. I’d recently told Elizabeth how anxious I was to leave my room. Now in less than twenty-four hours I’d done it twice, and this time we weren’t returning, at least for a little while.

The new paradigm left me scared and lonely. As the reality of my circumstance settled in my consciousness, my desire to question slipped away. The acceptance of my life was a relief that allowed me to concentrate on what and who was around me. Outside the community I’d have Jacob, but I would also miss Raquel’s constant presence and Elizabeth’s visits. I even wondered about Sisters Lilith and Ruth. With Sister Ruth’s presence, I’d come to enjoy my training. It was nice to have the women to talk to, people I could question, who could teach me the things I’d forgotten.

I tried to imagine a pole barn but had no frame of reference. I didn’t even know what it was. The longer I thought about where we were going and how we were getting there, the more questions I had.

Can we live in a barn? Why do we want to?

It wasn’t as if Jacob usually talked a lot, but ever since the previous night’s service he had been quieter than normal. I believed it had something to do with his meeting, but what that something was I’d probably never know. If one day I learned, it would be in
God’s time
. I reached for the door, to my right, and found a handle. My grip tightened as the tires bounced upon the uneven road.

“Are you all right?” Jacob asked, bringing my thoughts to the present.

Biting my lip, I nodded.

His gloved hand reached for my leg. “Sara,” he said gently, “I can’t help you if you’re not honest with me. Don’t try to hide your thoughts and feelings. I’ll find out the truth.”

“It’s my ribs. The way the truck’s bouncing . . . they hurt.”

“There. Was that difficult? Is there more?” he asked.

When I covered his hand with mine, he turned his palm up and laced our fingers together. Taking a deep breath, I said, “I don’t remember anything. I don’t know where we’re going other than what you’ve said. I don’t even know what a pole barn is. Will”—I swallowed and rephrased—“I’m wondering if there’ll be animals.”

His laughter filled the truck, momentarily masking the wind and the squeak of the tires bouncing upon the uneven road. “I’m proud of you. You said all of that without questioning once.” He squeezed my hand. “Very good. A pole barn is a type of building. No, there won’t be any animals. One small section of the building has living quarters. Even without your sight, I believe you’ll be able to navigate it well. There’s a loft with a bedroom. The main level is one room with a kitchen and living area and a small separated bathroom. The rest is more of a hangar.”

I turned in his direction and tried to imagine what he described. “The rest has an airplane.” I tried to avoid any inflection that could make my words sound like a question.