Inside Out and Back Again (14 page)

MiSSSisss WaSShington asks,

Was your lunch delicious?

Before speaking,

I have to translate

in my head.

She waits.

I eat candy in toilet.

MiSSSisss WaSShington

looks panicked.

WHAT?

I realize my mistake.

Oh,
the
toilet.

She doesn’t look

any happier.

I add,

Not candy all time.

But you
always
eat in the bathroom?

I nod.

Why?

How can I explain

dragonflies do somersaults

in my stomach

whenever I think of

the noisy room

full of mouths

chewing and laughing?

I’m still translating

when her eyes get red.

I’ll pack you a lunch

and you can eat at your desk.

No eat in class.

I’ll fix that.

Things will get better,

just you wait.

I don’t believe her

but it feels good

that someone knows.

October 13

At lunch the next day

I stay in class.

MiSSS SScott nods.

Can it be this easy?

Inside my first

brown paper bag:

a white meat sandwich,

an apple,

crunchy curly things

sprinkled with salt, and

a cookie dotted

with chocolate raindrops.

Something salty,

something sweet,

perfect.

I hear pounding footsteps

in the long hall.

I stop chewing.

Two students

run into class,

giggling.

I firm my muscles,

ready for the giggles

to explode into laughter

thrown at me.

But smiles appear instead.

The girl has

red hair swaying to her bottom,

a skirt falling to her calves.

She says,
Pam.
I hear
Pem
.

The boy of coconut-shell skin

is dressed better than for church,

a purple bow tie,

a white white shirt

that wouldn’t wrinkle

even if he rolled down a hill.

His shaved head

is so shiny and perfect

I want to touch it.

He speaks slowly and loudly,

but I don’t mind

because he’s still smiling.

He says,
Steven
.

I hear
SSsì-Ti-Vân
.

I have not

seen them in class.

But then, I mostly

stare at my shoes.

I will write in my journal

October 14 is

Most Relieved Day,

as I have noted

April 30 was

Saigon Is Gone Day

and September 2 was

Longest Day
Ever
.

Though I was saving

Most Relieved Day

for Father’s return,

he can have the title:

My Life’s Best Day.

October 14

Pink Boy

stands at the board.

He can’t multiply

18 by 42.

I go to the board,

chalk the answer

in five moves.

My cheekbones lift

to the ceiling

until I see horror

on the faces

of Pem and SSsì-Ti-Vân.

Pink Boy is glowing red

against white hair,

white eyebrows,

and white eyelashes.

MiSSS SScott

nudges me toward my seat.

Pem reaches for my hand,

hers trembling.

I know

Pink Boy will get me,

but right now

I feel smart.

October 20

One day

the honey-hair girl

takes her pink ribbons

and knots pigtails in my hair.

She stares,

shakes her head,

yanks back her ribbons.

Pink don’t look good on you.

Then three girls

of bronze-bread skin

remove colorful barrettes

from their hair

and twist onto my head

so many braids.

The girls’ hair holds

the shape of braids

even without barrettes.

Pem and SSsì-Ti-Vân nod,

so I keep still.

Walking home,

my shadow shows

eels dancing on my head

with tails in shapes of

bows, stars, hearts.

Mother and Brothers

notice,

pause,

then go on with their day.

It isn’t easy

to sleep on a pile of

plastic barrettes.

The next morning

when the girls

slip off the barrettes,

my hair falls back

to being straight.

The girls

yank my flat strands,

walk away.

I’ve spent my life

wishing for long hair

and this is what I get.

October 23

Vu Lee no longer

has time for just me.

At sunrise

he throws newspapers

onto porches.

After school

he flips perfect circles

of beef.

At sunset

he teaches Bruce Lee moves

in our front yard.

We line up in five rows,

squatting and shifting,

the only moves

he has taught us.

I make sure to get

in the front row.

First came

the eager boys.

Next came

the giggly girls.

Then came

our neighbors who

couldn’t help their curiosity.

They wave back now,

at times bringing

jiggly, colorful food

we don’t eat.

Everyone in Vu Lee’s class

wears yellow.

Some even bought suits

exactly like Bruce Lee’s.

Brothers Quang and Khôi join too.

Once I saw Mother

behind the curtains,

smiling.

I squatted low and sturdy then.

October 28

War and Peace

MiSSS SScott

shows the class

photographs

of a burned, naked girl

running, crying

down a dirt road

of people climbing, screaming,

desperate to get on

the last helicopter

out of Saigon

of skeletal refugees,

crammed aboard a

sinking fishing boat,

reaching up to the heavens

for help

of mounds of combat boots

abandoned by soldiers

of the losing side.

She’s telling the class

where I’m from.

She should have shown

something about

papayas and T
t.

No one would believe me

but at times

I would choose

wartime in Saigon

over

peacetime in Alabama.

October 29

Pem is dressed

in a skirt to the floor

like the pioneers

in our textbook.

SSsì-Ti-Vân

wears a beard

like President Lincoln.

I didn’t know

today is pretend day.

Pink Boy keeps asking,

What are you?

By the end of school

he yells an answer:

She should be a pancake.

She has a pancake face.

It doesn’t make sense

until

it does.

I run,

hearing laughter

loud loud loud
,

which still echoes when Mother comes home.

I can’t keep the day inside anymore.

Mother asks,

What’s a pancake?

Tears gush

because I can’t

make myself explain

a pancake

is

very

very

flat.

October 31
Halloween

Mother strokes my head.

Chant, my child,

Breathe in, peaceful mind.

Breathe out, peaceful smile.

She strokes my back.

Chant, my daughter;

your whispers will bloom

and shelter you

from words

you need not hear.

Chant

Nam Mô A Di
à Ph
t

Nam Mô Quan Th
Âm B
Tát.

She strokes my arm.

I chant,

wanting the gentle strokes

to continue forever.

I chant,

wanting Mother’s calmness