Authors: Dave Barry
54
“Where does this road go?” said Seth. The Escalade was still southbound on Biscayne
Boulevard, Seth doing his best to keep up with Meghan in the police cruiser. She was using the siren and
lights as needed, turning them on to blast through red lights or force slower drivers to get out of her way.
“It goes right into downtown Miami,” said Cyndi.
“Can we get to Key Biscayne this way?”
“Yeah,” said Cyndi. “You go through downtown, then down Brickell Avenue to the causeway.”
“I guess that’s what Meghan’s doing. I just hope we can make it there without getting stopped by
some real cops.”
“Or getting caught by those guys,” said Cyndi, turning to look through the Escalade rear window.
“They’re still after us.”
Seth glanced in the rearview mirror and picked up the Navigator about a half mile back, weaving
through traffic. Castronovo and Brewer had gotten hung up at a couple of intersections, but they weren’t
giving up.
“How’re they doing in the backseat?” said Seth.
Cyndi looked back at Laurette, holding her fussing and aromatic baby, huddling close to Stephane.
She gave them what she hoped was an encouraging smile.
“They look kind of in shock,” she said.
“Can you blame them?” said Seth.
“No,” said Cyndi. “What are we going to do with them when we get back to the hotel? We can’t just
let those guys grab them again.”
“I’ve been thinking about that,” said Seth. “Maybe we could put them in Marty and Kevin and
Steve’s room. They could hang out there until tomorrow, and by then maybe Carl will have some good
news for them.”
Cyndi nodded. “That might work.”
“On the other hand,” said Seth, “we might all be getting arrested soon, after last night and what just
happened in that parking lot back there.”
“But we didn’t
do
anything, really, when you think about it.”
“I don’t think the police would agree. Especially now that Meghan stole a police car. They really
frown on that.”
“She was just trying to save the orangutan. That guy was
shooting
at it.”
“I know that, and you know that. But I don’t see the police being sympathetic.” He glanced at her.
“Listen, Cyndi, this could get bad, and you really don’t have to be part of it. I could pull over and stop for
a second and you could just get out and walk away.”
Cyndi shook her head. “Nope.”
“You sure? We could be in some pretty serious trouble. The cop back there was talking about
robbery.”
“I know, but it
wasn’t
a robbery. And anyway”—she glanced back at Laurette—“this is going to
sound pathetic, but this is the first time in my life where I felt like I was doing something that actually
matters. OK, maybe not
doing
it. Maybe actually screwing everything up. But at least I’m
trying
to do
something that actually matters. You know what I mean?”
“I know exactly what you mean,” said Seth.
Ahead, Meghan whooped the siren and shot through yet another red light. Seth kept the Escalade right
behind.
“Do you have your phone?” he said.
“Yes.”
“OK, we need to call the hotel, let Marty and those guys know we’re coming so they can let us into
their room. I don’t know the hotel number.”
“I’ll Google it,” said Cyndi, tapping her phone.
“Of course,” said Seth, “I’m assuming we’re going to even
make
it to the hotel.” He glanced at the
rearview.
The Navigator was gaining.
55
Big Steve had been on the hotel phone for twenty minutes, slowly driving the Ritz-Carlton room
service order taker insane.
“So if I order two eggs any style,” Big Steve was saying, “I get toast, potatoes and a choice of bacon
or sausage, is that right?” (Pause) “What if instead of the potatoes, I wanted bacon
and
sausage?” (Pause)
“How much of an extra charge?” (Pause) “OK, what if I had bacon
and
sausage, but didn’t have
either
toast
or
potatoes?” (Pause) “How much?” (Pause) “So it’s the same amount extra even if I’m giving up
the potatoes
and
the toast?”
“Will you
place the fucking order
?” said Kevin, grabbing the remote and turning on the TV. “I’m
starving.”
Big Steve held up a
Shush
finger. “OK,” he said, consulting the room service menu, “I have some
questions about the three-egg omelet. I get a choice of three omelet ingredients, plus toast and potatoes,
right?” (Pause) “OK, now what if I want
four
ingredients, but I
don’t
want the potatoes?”
“Steve,” said Kevin. He was staring at the TV screen.
“Just a minute!” said Big Steve, annoyed. “OK, so you’re saying there’s an extra charge for the fourth
omelet ingredient regardless of whether—”
“Steve!” said Kevin,
“Hang up the phone.”
“Will you please just—” Big Steve stopped, staring at the TV. “Holy shit,” he said. He hung up the
phone. “Is that
Seth
?”
“It sure looks like him,” said Kevin.
On the screen was a freeze-frame from the Chuckletrousers parking lot surveillance video. In the
foreground were Trevor and the three downed bouncers. In the background were two shadowy figures
next to a car. A white circle was superimposed around the face of one of the figures. As Kevin and Big
Steve watched, the face was expanded so it filled most of the screen.
Seth’s face.
“Holy shit,” said Big Steve.
Seth’s face was replaced by Action 5 News anchorperson Lisbeth Renaldo. Superimposed in the
upper right corner of the screen was a logo featuring a cartoonish picture of a King Kong–like beast,
snarling, fangs bared. Next to it were the words APE GANG CITYWIDE RAMPAGE.
“So to recap the latest development in this bizarre story,” Renaldo was saying, “the so-called Ape
Robbers have apparently struck again, this time in the parking lot of a North Miami Beach drugstore,
where they were involved in some kind of shooting incident that left a police officer injured and his
police cruiser stolen. Police are telling Action 5 News that the alleged robbers are still at large, and one
of them may be driving the police cruiser.”
The phone rang. Big Steve picked it up. “Hello? Seth? Seth!”
Kevin hit the mute. Seth’s picture was back on the screen, along with an APE GANG logo and the words CALL
CRIMESTOPPERS.
“Jesus, Seth,” said Big Steve, “what the hell have you
done
? Yes! You’re on the TV news
right now
with a picture of a gorilla . . . OK, whatever. It says the police are after you. How the hell did you end up
with a . . . OK. OK, give me the number.” He snapped his fingers at Kevin, made a writing gesture. Kevin
got him a hotel pad and pen. “All right,” said Big Steve, writing. “OK.” He hung up.
“What’d he say?” said Kevin.
“He said it’s complicated.”
“I bet. What is he doing with a fucking gorilla?”
“He says it’s an orangutan.”
“What’s he doing with a fucking orangutan?”
“He says it’s complicated.”
“Well, that clears
that
up.”
“He’s coming here now.”
“What? Here? Now?”
“Yes. He wants us to be here in the room, because he has to hide some people here.”
“
What?
What people?”
“He didn’t say.”
“Hide them from
what
?”
“He didn’t say that, either.”
“Is that his phone number?”
“No, it’s that woman from the bar. Cyndi. She’s with him.”
“She’s with him and the ape? What the fuck is he
doing
?”
The phone rang again. Warily, Big Steve picked it up. “Hello? Oh hi, Tina.” Big Steve shot an
Oh
shit
look at Kevin. “Seth? He’s . . . ah . . . he’s . . .”
Kevin snatched the phone away from Big Steve. “Hey, Tina,” he said. “How’s the beautiful bride
doing on the big day? Right. Right. No, he’s not in his room, that is correct. And the reason for that is
simply because he is . . . out. I mean, he’s out
side
. He’s walking. He’s taking a walk out—No, because he
didn’t take his cell phone on his walk. He just wanted a quiet walk. But he’s on his way back . . . No, I
just . . . OK, I’m just
assuming
that he’s on his way back, because he went for a walk, and then he would
walk back to here, where he started. No, I’m completely sober. For the big day. You must be very excite
—Meghan? No. Not a clue. Right. Definitely. I’ll have him call you. Right. Immediately. Right. Bye.”
Kevin hung up. “Lawyers,” he said.
“Did she believe you?” said Big Steve. “About the walk?”
“I dunno. But Seth better get here soon. Where’s Marty?”
“He went down to the rich guy’s room. Corliss.”
“I’m thinking maybe we might need him.”
Big Steve stared at Kevin. “
Need
him? Need
Marty
?”
“Desperate times,” said Kevin. “Desperate measures.”
56
Where are they taking us?
asked Stephane.
I don’t know,
said Laurette.
But we will be safe.
Will those men shoot at us?
No.
Will the monkey bite us?
No. We are safe now.
How do you know?
Just be quiet. We are safe now.
Laurette wondered if they would ever be safe again. She had been terrified back in the parking lot
when the policeman was attacked by the animal, and one of the big men started shooting. She was glad to
be away from the big men, and glad to be in the car with the man who had rescued her from the sea and
the woman who had helped take care of her and her children at the hotel. She knew they were trying to
help her. But she didn’t know where they were taking her, driving so fast. She didn’t understand what was
going on. And she was beginning to wonder if all Americans were crazy.
57
Meghan was starting to think they were going to make it. They were in downtown Miami
now, still slicing through traffic and stoplights thanks to the police cruiser’s siren. The Escalade was still
right behind her. She’d caught a few glimpses of the Navigator in the rearview mirror, but none for the
last few minutes. She wasn’t sure exactly where the bridge to Key Biscayne was, but she was pretty sure
that if she stayed on Biscayne, she’d come to it.
She glanced into the back of the cruiser. Trevor hadn’t moved; he was lying on his side. There was