Authors: Dave Barry
Castronovo headed for the checkout register.
Trevor had made his decision.
He had originally thought that he would be fighting the male in the front for the female in the front.
But then this new female had gotten into the back, causing Trevor to rethink the situation. He found both
females attractive, and they both had an acceptable, if somewhat odd, aroma. But the one next to him had
been feeding him. That told Trevor that she was receptive to being his mate. He decided that he was fine
with this. It meant he would not have to fight the male in the front after all. In his heart, Trevor was more
of a lover than a fighter.
There was only one checkout register open in the drugstore and there was only one customer in line
ahead of Castronovo. Unfortunately for him, she was the nightmare customer to be stuck behind: a woman
with coupons. Worse, she was an
elderly
woman with coupons, of which she was clutching a stack the
thickness of the Dayton, Ohio, telephone directory. She had several items in her basket. At the moment,
she and the cashier, a studious-looking young man in horn-rimmed glasses, were focusing on the first of
these, a tube of toothpaste.
“OK,” the woman was saying, “I have a coupon for that one. I think it’s fifty cents off.” She started
going through her coupon stack. Behind her, Castronovo shifted his feet, rolled his eyes, looked at his
watch.
“Here it is,” said the woman, handing the coupon to the cashier.
The cashier looked at it and said, “OK, this is for Crest Complete Multi-Benefit Extra Whitening
with Tartar Protection—Clean Mint.”
“Isn’t that what I have?” said the woman.
“No,” said the cashier. “You have”—he picked up the toothpaste box and read from it—“Crest
Complete Multi-Benefit Extra White + Scope Outlast—Lasting Mint.”
“Outlast what?” said the woman.
“Lasting Mint,” said the cashier.
“Jesus Christ,” said Castronovo, mainly to himself but not totally.
“OK, is this it?” said the woman, handing the cashier another coupon.
“No,” he said. “This is for Crest Pro-Health Clinical Gum Protection Toothpaste—Invigorating
Clean Mint.”
“That’s a different one?”
“Yes. Also it’s not a cents-off coupon. It’s a buy one, get one free.”
“I get one free?”
“Yes, but you have to buy one.”
“I
am
buying one.”
“No, you’re buying Crest Complete Multi-Benefit Extra White + Scope Outlast—Lasting Mint.”
“OK,” said the woman. “Let me see if I have a coupon for that.”
“I don’t believe this,” said Castronovo.
Brewer didn’t hear the Escalade coming because the baby’s wails drowned out all other sounds. But
he felt the jolt when its front bumper connected with the Navigator.
“What the fuck?” he said. He turned around and saw the dark-tinted windshield of the Escalade. He
opened the door and quickly got out, striding around to the driver’s side of the Escalade.
“Hey, asshole,” he said. “What the fuck do you—” He stopped, seeing Seth getting out of the
Escalade. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“We’re here to get those people,” said Seth, pointing to Laurette and her children.
“No,” said Brewer. “We can’t let you—”
He stopped, mouth open, as Meghan emerged from the rear of the Escalade. “Meghan? What the
hell?”
Meghan ignored him, striding toward the Navigator. “No, wait, hold it,” said Brewer, blocking her
path.
“Get out of my way,” she said.
“Meghan, we discussed this already. Your father gave us orders and we . . . Hey! Don’t do that!”
He was yelling at Cyndi, who had emerged from the other side of the Escalade and was opening the
Navigator’s rear door.
“Come on,” Cyndi said to Laurette, pulling on her arm. “Get out. Quick.” Laurette climbed out of the
car, holding the wailing baby. Stephane got out behind his mother.
Brewer, seeing things getting out of hand, made a decision. He reached into his jacket. He wasn’t
going to shoot anybody, but he needed to scare them. His hand was on the butt of his gun, about to pull it
from the holster, when he spotted the Miami-Dade Police cruiser pulling into the parking lot.
“Shit,” he said.
“Oh no,” said Seth.
The cruiser stopped about ten yards away from the rear of the Escalade. Officer Delgado put it in
park, got out and surveyed the scene. On the surface it looked like a minor traffic accident, a fender
bender. But Delgado, who had handled hundreds of fender benders, found this one odd, even by the
standards of Miami driving. Why had the Escalade bumped the Navigator in an almost empty parking lot?
And what was this strange, mismatched, obviously tense collection of people?
Delgado stood near his cruiser, his right hand not quite touching the Glock 17 holstered on his hip.
“What’s going on here?” he said.
“Nothing,” said Brewer, holding out his arms to indicate nothingness.
“Nothing,” agreed Seth.
Officer Delgado nodded toward the two SUVs, touching nose to tail. “Did you have an accident?”
“No,” said Seth and Brewer in unison.
“Then why are the cars parked that way up against each other?”
“Oh,” said Seth, as if he had just noticed. “That was me. It was a mistake.”
“A mistake.”
“Yes. I didn’t mean to . . . do it.”
“You drove into this parking lot, with all these empty spaces, there’s only one other car here, and
you somehow hit it.”
“Yes. Sir. But gently.”
“It’s just a tap,” said Brewer. “No damage. No harm done. I’m willing to just forget about it and be
on my way.”
Officer Delgado studied Seth and Brewer for a moment, then turned his attention to Meghan.
“Can you explain what’s going on here?” he said.
“Nothing’s going on here,” said Meghan. “Everything here is fine.”
Delgado looked over at Cyndi, with the Haitians.
“Really,” Cyndi said. “We’re fine.”
Delgado turned his gaze to Laurette. She didn’t look fine to him. She looked terrified.
“Are you all right?” Delgado asked her.
She didn’t answer, only held her crying baby closer.
“She doesn’t speak English,” said Cyndi.
Delgado inhaled, exhaled, abandoning the hope that he’d be heading home soon. Something was
going on here, and as much as he wanted to pretend he believed the bullshit these people were handing
him, he was too good a cop to just walk away. He thought again about calling for backup, but again
decided he couldn’t really justify it. So far he had nothing remotely approaching probable cause for
charging any of these people with anything other than acting weird.
He looked back toward Brewer and Seth.
“I want to see your licenses and registrations,” he said.
“Is that really necessary, Officer?” said Brewer. “I mean, there’s no—”
“Yes,” said Delgado. “I want to see them now.”
As Brewer and Seth dug out their wallets, Meghan edged closer to Seth. Turning away from
Delgado, she whispered, “We have to get out of this. We can’t get arrested. We’ll wreck the wedding
and
ruin everything for the Haitians.”
“I know,” whispered Seth. “You got any ideas?”
“I’m thinking,” said Meghan.
“Shh. Here he comes.”
Delgado was walking toward Seth and Brewer to get their paperwork. His wary cop eyes were
mainly watching the two men, but he kept glancing round to keep track of everyone else. As he neared the
Escalade, he thought he saw movement through the dark-tinted rear window. It occurred to him that he
didn’t know whether or not there were more people inside the car. He decided he needed to check that out
before he did anything else.
He reached down and unsnapped the holster strap securing the Glock.
“I have a coupon for that, too.”
Having finally succeeded in knocking fifty cents off the price of her toothpaste, the elderly woman
had moved on to her next purchase item, a package of dental floss. She went through her stack of coupons
and selected one, which she presented to the cashier.
“OK,” he said, reading it. “This is for the Reach Total Care ninety-yard.”
“That’s not what I have?” said the woman.
“Oh for Christ sake,” said Castronovo.
“What you have here is the Reach Cleanburst Waxed fifty-five-yard,” said the cashier.
“Is that different?”
“Yes.”
“Because of the yards?”
“The yards are different, but also one is Total Care and one is Cleanburst.”
“And which one do I have?”
“The Cleanburst.”
“Let me see if I have a coupon for that.”
“I do
not
fucking believe this,” said Castronovo.
Delgado was about ten feet behind the Escalade. The left rear door from which Meghan had exited
was open, but from his angle Delgado couldn’t see inside. He moved to his left to get a better view. As he
did, he saw a look pass between Meghan and Seth.
Then he saw Trevor.
Fucking animal calls.
Delgado put his hand on the Glock.
“Wait a minute!” said Meghan. “Don’t
shoot
it! That’s a harmless animal!”
Delgado, ignoring her, used his free hand to key the police radio microphone clipped to his collar.
He identified himself, then requested backup and gave his location. When that was done, he started
sidestepping toward Seth, Brewer and Meghan, keeping his eyes on Trevor.
“Now,” he said, “I want to know what’s going on here.”
“I never saw that thing before in my life,” said Brewer. This was true; he had not noticed Trevor
until Delgado had, and he was just as surprised. Also just as unhappy. Like Delgado, Brewer was not a
fan of animals.
“There’s a perfectly innocent explanation,” said Seth.
“I’m listening,” said Delgado, eyes still on Trevor.
“OK, it’s a long story, but, basically, I’m getting married today.”
Delgado shot him a glance. “And so that’s why you’re driving around with an ape in your car?”
“I know it sounds weird.”
“It does,” said Delgado. “But we’re going to get it sorted out.”
From the distance came the faint whoop of sirens.
“Here’s the problem,” Meghan said to Delgado. “I’m in the wedding, too. My sister’s the bride. I’m
the maid of honor.”
“Congratulations,” said Delgado.
“But the thing is, we really can’t stay here and get involved in a whole big production. We have to
get ready for the wedding. We really have to leave right now, OK?”
“I’m afraid you can’t do that,” said Delgado.
“Why not?” said Meghan. “What right have you got to keep us here?”
Delgado nodded toward Trevor. “I have probable cause to believe that this animal may have been
involved in a robbery,” said Delgado. “Among other things.”