Insane City (23 page)

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Authors: Dave Barry

BOOK: Insane City
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24

“You did
what
?” said Meghan.

“I told Daddy about the Haitians,” said Tina.

The sisters were back in their suite, getting ready for bed.

“Why’d you do that?”

“Because Seth told me he’d get rid of them, and he didn’t.”

“I’m sure he’s trying to, Tina, but it’s probably—”

“And I saw him leaving the hotel in a car with that bimbo he was with last night, the one with the

boobs hanging out who was with the snake idiot.”

“OK, maybe he was driving her home. Tina, it’s
Seth
. He
loves
you. He’s
crazy
for you. He can’t

believe you’re marrying him. He thinks he won the lottery. He would
not
mess that up, especially not the

day before the wedding. I’m sure there’s a totally innocent explanation for all of this.”

“There fucking better be,” said Tina, though as she thought about it she realized Meghan was

probably right. Seth was just driving the bimbo home, because that was the kind of nice guy Seth was.

“You shouldn’t have told Daddy about the Haitians,” said Meghan.

“Why not?”

“Because Seth asked you not to.”

“Seth had his chance to take care of this, and he couldn’t. These people are taking advantage of him

the way I’m sure the bimbo did. You know how he is. He’s a pushover. So when this kind of person

shows up, they just walk all over him.”

“When
what
kind of person shows up? Drowning Haitians?”

“You know what I mean. And it’s not just them. There was this huge African-American woman in his

room. She called me a bitch.
She
slammed the door on me.
That fat fucking black bitch.”

“OK, Tina, whoever’s there, the point is that Seth promised this Haitian woman—”

“I don’t care what he promised her! He promised
me
he’d get rid of them! We’re getting married

tomorrow!”

Meghan sighed. “So what is Daddy going to do?”

“He’s going to take care of it.”

“Meaning what?”

“Meaning he’s going to get them out of there.”

“Meaning his two thugs are.”

“They’re not going to do anything bad to them. I made Daddy promise that.”

“So what
are
they going to do?”

“They’re going to take them to the federal immigration people.”

“But Tina, that’s exactly what he doesn’t want to happen.”

“That’s exactly what the law says is
supposed
to happen,” said Tina. “They’re here
illegally
,

Meghan. Don’t you get that?”

“I thought the term you used was
undocumented
,” said Meghan. “You know, when you’re marching

in your rallies.”

Tina reddened. “Don’t try to make me into the bad guy here, Meghan. They’re going to be perfectly

fine. They’ll be well treated.”

“Until they get sent back to Haiti.”

“You don’t know that’s what will happen. There are procedures that have to be followed. They’ll

have legal representation. And why the hell are you being so self-righteous about this anyway? When have

you
ever cared about this kind of thing? What have
you
ever done to help undocumented immigrants?”

Meghan was silent for a few seconds, staring at the wall.

Tina let her words hang in the air for a while. Then she rose and said, “I’m going to bed.”

“Sleep well,” said Meghan.

“I’ll sleep just fine,” said Tina.

25

Wendell and Marty were now alone on the beach. One by one, the members of the wedding

party had drifted off to bed. Stan, former owner of what was now Stan’s Transglobal Pizza of Key

Biscayne, had also departed, literally skipping up the beach, firmly holding his attaché case.

Now it was just Wendell and Marty, bare toes in the sand, listening to the whoosh of the waves and

staring at the fat moon rising over the Atlantic.

Neither had spoken for more than a half hour when Marty chuckled and said, “You realize what you

did, right?”

Wendell, still looking at the moon, said, “What did I do?”

“You bought a pizza restaurant.”

“I know!” Wendell burst out laughing.

“And the
whole entire reason
you bought it was so you could have a pizza delivered.”

“I know!” Wendell was laughing so hard he was gasping. “And you want to know the worst part?”

“What’s the worst part?”

“I didn’t even get a slice!”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. Greta ate the whole thing.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope. That woman hardly eats anything. And she
never
eats carbs. But she scarfed down the entire

pizza. She was a pepperoni piranha.”

“Wow.”

They stared at the moon some more, catching their breath. Then Wendell said, “You know what?”

“What?”

“I’m still hungry.”

“Me too,” said Marty.

“You think there’s any place around here that sells Chinese food?”

Marty looked at Wendell. “Are you serious?”

“I could really, seriously, eat some Chinese food right about now.”

“Chinese sounds good,” said Marty.

26

Seth and Cyndi were driving through the Redlands, having left behind the dilapidated strip

malls and ragtag housing developments along the U.S. 1 corridor. Now they passed clapboard houses

scattered among palm tree nurseries, mango groves, horse farms and U-PICK-’EM tomato fields, the air smelling

of damp grass and soil and manure. It was still Dade, but a world away from Miami.

With Cyndi giving directions, they took a series of lefts and rights, zigzagging south and west on the

narrow, arrow-straight rural roads, getting ever closer to the Everglades. Finally the Escalade’s

headlights illuminated a big, faded PRIMATE ENCOUNTER sign looming over an unlit dirt parking area next to a dense

stand of trees. Seth pulled in and killed the motor and the headlights. The lot was dark, the trees blocking

most of the light from the rising moon.

“Maybe there’s a flashlight,” said Cyndi. She opened the glove compartment and started rooting

around.

“Hmm,” she said.

“What?”

“There must be twenty condoms in here. Also a box of Cheez-Its. Also rolling papers, and . . . Whoa,

here’s a
large
jar of Vaseline.”

“Wesley’s prepared.”

“He actually is,” said Cyndi, producing a metal-bodied, three-cell flashlight, the kind favored by law

enforcement because it could be used for both illumination and, when necessary, busting the heads of

suspected wrongdoers. She handed it to Seth, who found the switch. The Escalade filled with a bright

white light.

“That’ll work,” said Seth, switching it off. “So where’d Duane say the guy left my suitcase?”

“In the back, behind a big cage. He said you go in through a gate around the side to the left. He gave

me the code to get in.”

“Is there a night watchman?”

“I don’t know. Duane didn’t say either way.”

“Well, if there is, let’s hope we don’t run into him. We’ll just grab the suitcase and go.”

They got out of the car. The night air was thick with humidity and the sweet smells of tropical

vegetation. They crossed the parking lot, Seth leading. He left the flashlight off; there was just enough

moonlight leaking through the trees for them to see their way.

They reached the front entrance to Primate Encounter and turned left, following a high wooden fence.

The fence turned right, and they followed a path alongside it, barely visible in the filtered moonlight. To

their left was a thick wall of foliage. From inside the fence, they heard animal noises—rustling, grunting,

chittering, a moaning sound. Suddenly a high-pitched shriek pierced the night. Cyndi grabbed Seth’s hand.

“That was a monkey, right?” she said.

“I’m thinking zombie,” said Seth.

“Very funny. Ha-ha.”

She was still holding his hand.

They kept moving along the fence and came to a steel gate with narrowly spaced vertical bars. Seth

turned the flashlight on. Above the gate latch handle was a numeric keypad. Cyndi got a scrap of paper out

of her purse and read the code to Seth. He punched it into the keypad, heard a click, turned the handle and

pushed the gate. It swung open. They went inside. Behind them, the gate swung closed with a dull clang.

Seth shined the flashlight beam ahead, illuminating a walkway lined with animal cages, each with a

sign out front identifying its occupants. From inside some of the cages, pairs of glowing eyes stared out at

Seth and Tina. Seth swept the beam to the right, toward the entrance, then to the left. At the far left end the

beam found a cage quite a bit larger than the others.

“That must be it,” whispered Cyndi.

“Why are you whispering?” said Seth.

“I don’t want to attract the zombies.”

“Ha-ha.”

But she was still holding his hand.

They walked to the big cage at the end. The air there held a musky aroma. Seth flashed the light beam

through the bars, illuminating a large log play structure and a tire swing, but no living creatures.

Seth and Tina walked around to the back of the cage, a grassy embankment leading down to a

drainage ditch. Seth shined the flashlight back and forth, a sick feeling growing in his gut.

“It’s not here,” he said. “Are you sure this is the right cage?”

“He said the big cage in the back.”

“Well, this is definitely the big cage in the back.” He walked along the embankment, flashing the

beam back and forth.

“Shit,” he said. “Where the hell
is
it?”

“Duane said it’d be here.”

Seth, still moving the light beam around, said, “Well, apparently Duane was . . . Hey.”

“What?” said Cyndi.

“Look here.” Seth was shining the light on a clump of tall grass close to the cage. The grass had been

pressed down; the stalks were pointing toward the cage. “Looks like something got dragged.”

Seth stepped closer to the bars and shined the light inside. Close by he saw a dirty gray tarp lying on

the floor in a rumpled heap. He reached through the bars, grabbed an edge of the tarp and pulled it. There

was nothing under it. He moved the light beam around some more, then stopped.

“Oh shit,” he said.

“What?” said Cyndi.

Seth trained the light on a ragged black cloth lump about six feet into the cage. “I think that’s my

suitcase,” he said. “At least part of it.”

“Oh no,” said Cyndi.

Seth was moving the beam around the cage floor. “Oh God. That’s my tuxedo jacket. There’s my

dress shoes, my shirt . . . My clothes are all over the place.” He kept moving the beam. “
Damn.
I don’t

see the ring. It’s in a red jewelry box. It’s gotta be in there somewhere.” He took a breath, let it out. “I

have to get in there.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Whatever’s in there . . . look what it did to your suitcase.”

“Yeah, but there doesn’t seem to be anything in there now. I’m thinking they move whatever it is to a

sleeping area at night.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know I don’t. What I
do
know is, I have to get that ring. There has to be a door to the cage, right?

For the trainers to get in?”

He moved left along the cage wall. The door was almost at the end, in a steel frame welded into the

cage bars. The door had a digital keypad that looked identical to the one on the fence gate.

“Do you think they’d use the same code?” said Cyndi.

“Let’s hope,” said Seth. He punched the code into the keypad, heard a click.
“Yes.”
He turned the

latch and pushed. The door swung open. Seth reached down to the side of the doorway and pulled out a

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