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Authors: Dave Barry

BOOK: Insane City
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Corliss shook his head firmly. “I can’t do that.”

“But why not?”

Corliss pointed to Marty and said, “Explain it to him.” He went back to talking to Stan.

“He’s inside the hole now,” Marty explained to Mike.

“What the hell are you
talking
about?” said Mike.

“He’s committed,” said Marty. “He’s all the way in.”

“He’s after the wax,” said Big Steve. “And the wax, for him, is getting this guy to deliver a pizza.”

“With pepperoni,” said Greta.

“With pepperoni,” said Big Steve. “That’s his earwax.”

Mike shook his head, wondering why suddenly everybody in the room seemed to be insane. He rose

and went over to Marcia, who was still staring at a picture on the wall.

“Marcia,” he said. “There’s something—”

“Look at this,” she said, pointing at the picture.

Mike looked. It was a reproduction of a painting of a cocker spaniel.

“That’s nice,” he said. “Listen, there’s—”

“No, Mike, really
look
.” Marcia was pointing at the cocker spaniel. “Look at his
eyes
.”

Mike looked at the cocker spaniel’s eyes. “What?” he said.

“Don’t you
see
?”

Mike looked again. “See
what
?” he said. “It’s a dog.”

“Yes!” said Marcia.
“Exactly.”
She resumed staring at the picture.

“Mike!” shouted Corliss from the end of the table.

“What?” said Mike.

Corliss pointed at the phone. “I’m buying it. You want in?”

“You’re buying a pizza?”

“No. I’m buying Stan’s.”

“You’re
buying the
restaurant
?”

“I am. Cash deal. Stan’s coming over here right now so we can iron out the details. But we’re good

on the price.” Corliss looked at Marty and said, “What’s your name again?”

“Marty.”

“Right. Marty here is going to handle the paperwork. Stan’s going to bring a pizza with him.”

“With pepperoni,” said Greta.

“Correct. With pepperoni, right, Stan?” Corliss listened to the phone. “Stan wants to know if we

want garlic rolls.” Corliss looked around, saw lots of nods, including from the chanters. “Definitely, Stan,

garlic rolls. Mike, you in?”

“I don’t eat garlic.”

“No, are you in on the purchase deal? I can let you have twenty-five percent. Marty’s taking ten

percent in lieu of a fee.”

“I . . . I’ll be right back,” said Mike, suddenly feeling desperate for fresh air. He walked quickly

from the dining room, then paused outside and looked back. Marcia was still staring at the cocker spaniel.

The chanting of Banzan Dazu, Kevin and the others was getting louder. At the end of the table, Wendell

Corliss—the man who never smiled—was engaged in an animated conversation with Marty and Big

Steve, the three of them erupting in hysterical laughter.

What the hell was happening?

Back in the dining room, Seth knew what was happening but he still hadn’t told Tina, who believed

that rehearsal dinner guests had simply consumed a lot of wine.

“I think it’s going really well, don’t you?” she asked Seth. “Look at Marty and Big Steve hitting it off

there with Wendell. What on earth are they talking about?”

“I have no idea,” said Seth. “I heard Marty saying something about earwax.”

“What?”

“I swear that’s what they were talking about.”

“Well, whatever, they’re definitely enjoying themselves.”

“Yeah,” agreed Seth. “Nobody seems to want to leave.”

This was true. Sid and Rose, having reluctantly accepted that the brownies had disappeared, had

toddled off to bed. But the rest of the group appeared to be just getting started. This presented a problem

for Seth: He needed to get out of there so he could go retrieve his suitcase and the wedding ring.

“So listen,” he said to Tina. “Would it be incredibly impolite if I snuck out? I’ve got something I

need to take care of.”

Tina’s face got serious and she nodded. “I know you do.”

“You do?”

“Yes, and I know it’s hard, because you promised them. But I’m sure they’ll be OK. This really is

for the best.”

“Right,” said Seth, realizing that Tina was talking about the Haitians and remembering his promise to

evict them tonight.

“So you go ahead, do what you have to do,” said Tina. “I’m not planning to stay here too much

longer myself. Baby, we’re getting married tomorrow! Do you believe it?”

“I know!” said Seth, trying to look more excited than he felt at the moment, wondering how he was

going to tell Laurette she had to leave.

Seth and Tina kissed and Seth left, waving good-bye to the rest of the group, none of whom noticed

his departure. On his way out of the restaurant, he passed a middle-aged man in jeans and a T-shirt talking

to the maître d’. The man was holding a pizza delivery box; it looked as though he was delivering a pizza

to
the Italian restaurant. Seth found that odd.

20

When he reached the elevators, Seth heard a voice call his name. He turned and saw Carl

Juste poking his head through the doorway to the hotel’s back patio.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” said Juste. He was not wearing his groundskeeper uniform. He looked

nervous. “I am not supposed to be in the hotel now.”

“What’s going on?” said Seth.

“I spoke again with Laurette’s sister.”

“What’d she say?”

“She can’t be released tomorrow because it’s a Sunday.”

Seth started shaking his head.

“But she has a hearing Monday,” Juste continued quickly. “Her lawyer hopes she can be released

then.”

“Hopes? He doesn’t know?”

“No. It’s complicated. But if you can just wait one more day, maybe the sister will be released, and

maybe she can . . .”

“No,” said Seth. “I’m sorry. No more maybes. They have to leave tonight. Right now.”

“Now? But you said—”

“I know and I’m really sorry. But it has to be now. I’m glad you’re here because I need you to come

talk to her. It’ll be better if she understands the situation.”

“I’m not supposed to be here.”

“It’ll just be a minute. It’s right up these elevators. I’ll give her what money I have. But you have to

talk to her, explain what’s going on, OK?”

Juste looked around nervously, then came inside and followed Seth into an elevator. The doors

closed.

“I’m really sorry about this,” said Seth. “But this whole thing has gotten way out of hand.”

Juste said nothing.

They reached the room. LaDawne greeted them at the door, finger to lips,
Shhh
. She pointed toward

the living room, where Wesley was asleep sitting up, snoring in front of the TV, which was showing

Dancing with the Stars
with the volume muted. Stephane was next to Wesley, leaning up against his

massive form, also asleep. Cyndi sat on the other sofa, holding the baby. Next to her was Laurette, still in

a Ritz bathrobe, smiling shyly at Seth.

Seth, whispering, introduced Juste to LaDawne and Cyndi. They nodded at each other.

Seth took a deep breath.

“They have to leave now,” he said.

“Who does?” said LaDawne.

“Everybody,” said Seth, gesturing at the group. “You too. I’m sorry. But you all have to go.”

“You gonna throw her out?” said LaDawne, pointing at Laurette. “With these two babies?”

“I’m sorry, I really am. But I think I’ve been incredibly patient.”

“Where they gonna go? Where is this woman supposed to go with two babies, she doesn’t speak

English, she’s not legal, she doesn’t have a penny in her pocket? She doesn’t even have a
pocket
.”

Laurette’s smile was gone. Her worried eyes were darting back and forth between Seth and

LaDawne.

Seth said, “Why don’t
you
take her home, if you’re so concerned?”

“Because she’s still sick from being half drowned and I live in West Palm, which is two hours away,

and she doesn’t need to get dragged all the way up there in her condition when she’s trying to find her

sister, who’s down here. Otherwise, hell yes, I’d take her. She just needs a little more time. Why can’t

you give her that?”

“Because according to Carl, her sister’s in jail right now, and we don’t really know when she’s

going to get out.” Seth’s voice was rising. “And I’m getting
married
. Doesn’t anybody
get
that?” The

outburst awakened Wesley, who stirred and half opened his eyes.

“Yeah, we get that,” said LaDawne. “You’re getting married. So go ahead, get married. But let this

poor woman stay here one more night. Tell you what: You let her stay tonight, you don’t owe me and

Wesley anything. Ain’t that right, Wesley.”

From somewhere deep in his massive body, Wesley made a rumbling noise that could have indicated

agreement or indigestion.

Seth shook his head. “No,” he said. He turned to Carl. “Please tell her. Tell her I’m really sorry but

I’m getting married tomorrow and I need everybody to clear out of here. Tell her I’ll give her some

money.”

Carl nodded and spoke to Laurette for about a minute. She listened, motionless, expressionless.

When Carl was done, she spoke, her voice soft and wavering, her eyes now on Seth. She spoke for

several minutes, at one point almost losing control, then fighting back sobs and continuing.

“She says of course she will leave,” Carl said. “She says she is sorry to be so much trouble for you

before your wedding, and she thanks you for everything you have done. She says she cannot take money

from you. She wishes she could give
you
money, to thank you, because you saved her life, saved her two

babies, and carried her to the land, to America. Her situation was very bad in Haiti. She lost her husband

and her oldest child, a daughter, in the earthquake. She had no house and had to live in a dangerous place.

Her babies were always hungry and there were bad men around. That is why she came here. No matter

what happens, it will be better here. So she says please do not feel bad for her. She says you helped her

more than anyone, pulling her from the water. Without you, she would not be here.”

When Carl finished, Laurette rose from the couch, walked over to Seth and gave him a shy, tentative

hug.

“Mêci,”
she said.

“You’re welcome,” he said, patting her back awkwardly.

Laurette let him go and went into the bedroom. She walked slowly, uncertainly, each step a chore.

The living room was silent for a few seconds, then LaDawne said, “Well, I guess we’re going, then.”

“You’re going to take them?” said Seth.

“Who else is gonna take them?” said LaDawne.

“Where?” said Seth. “To West Palm?”

“I don’t know yet,” said LaDawne. “But it’s not your problem, right? Wesley. Wake up that boy.”

LaDawne bustled about, gathering stuff. Seth stood absolutely still, staring at the floor. Cyndi set the

sleeping baby down gently on the sofa and came over to Seth. She put her hand on his arm.

“Don’t feel bad,” she said.

“How can I not feel bad?”

“You did what you could.”

“It’s not like her staying here one more night will solve anything.”

“No.”

“It’s just that Tina has spent so much time planning this wedding and she really wants for it to be

about
us
. And if I’m caught up in all this”—he gestured toward the sleeping baby—“I can’t be focusing on

what should be the most important thing in my life right now. You know?”

“Of course.”

Seth stared at the floor again, then turned to Carl. “Is there some way I can find out what happens to

them?”

“You can ask me,” Carl said. “And if I know, I will tell you.”

“Do you think she’ll be OK?”

Carl shrugged. “I don’t know. If her sister is released, maybe she can find a place for her to stay that

will be safe.”

“But the sister might not be released.”

“No,” said Carl. “But maybe I can find somebody else to help her.”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe.”

“What if she gets picked up?”

Carl shrugged again. “Nobody knows. It keeps changing, the law, the politics. Maybe she gets lucky

and she can stay.”

“But maybe not?”

“Maybe not.”

“And if she’s not lucky?”

“She have to go back to Haiti.”

“Where she has nothing.”

“Many people in Haiti have nothing. It’s why they come here.”

Laurette emerged from the bedroom wearing the clothes—rags, really—she’d had on when Seth had

pulled her from the sea. She picked up her baby. Wesley guided the sleepy Stephane over to her. Carl,

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