Innocence of Love (3 page)

He went back a few weeks later only no answer, gutted he just needed to try and tell Sophie how he felt toward her and that he’d like to see her again, or go on a date, but it appeared to be a harder task than first predicted. He’d always been aware her parents were strict, but wow, they really were firm.

Nine weeks after the amazing experience in the barn he went back to the house, not wishing to give up. Calvin heard his parents say the family were in, his chance to make that vital move.

He rolled his tongue over his teeth while he stood at the main door of the Richards’ house like a fool again, surely they would be getting fed-up with. Somehow he’d sensed they hadn’t been telling Sophie about his visits, unless she wasn’t interested.

Alan answered the door.

“Hi…is Sophie in?” He gulped heavy

“No…she has left home,” he told him.

“What? When?” he voiced shocked.

“A few weeks ago, apparently her life here with us isn’t what she wants and has decided to leave home.”

Calvin stood gormless at the main door with Alan staring at him.

“Oh,” he said jaw wide open like a goldfish.

A few minutes later Alan closed the door on him.

His heart crashed to the ground, aware he’d been too late and she had gone
.

After that he buried the pain inside his heart, trapping it, never wishing to allow it to surface. The only memory he had left of her was a song…a song that he took her into his arms, holding her tight enjoying her company. The very night of his party,
Deepest Blue,
by
Deepest Blue, a tune that he never listened to, but had to transfer always onto his newest mobile and if it came on in his car he pressed skip, reminding him of nothing else but Sophie Richards. He wished he could delete, move on with his life, true to told he couldn’t.

Sophie Richards his first true love. Okay she might have only been for one night, a few hours, but heaven forbid enough to make his heart sing, weaken him at the knees and go dry mouth. There had been days where he struggled more than others, wondering where she’d gone, how she was, how and where she’d been living and as the days, weeks, months, and years passed he supressed it deep in his soul.

Then, while visiting his parents in Yorkshire, he decided to take a walk on his parents’ land. How he longed to take in the clean air in the baking hot sun, until he came across a woman standing on a bridge preparing to jump. He widened his eyes not believing what he witnessed, carefully without moving too quickly to scare her or make her lose her footing, he moved slowly closer. Much to his horror he saw her large swollen tummy, expecting a baby. That had been his fate.

He took it upon himself to try and help Kacey, which she’d re-named herself, not allowing him to think anything other. Her face seemed familiar, he couldn’t figure out where from only with her name being different he presumed she might have been someone where their paths had crossed, university or earlier school. He had no reason to suspect Kacey was really Sophie Richards. Even when she’d told him she left the village, he should have figured it out then, but in all honestly he feared more for her mental state of mind and with her carrying an innocent life, he didn’t think too much of it.

Calvin asked his best friend Ross to help in getting her housed, after she’d lost everything, home, her bag which had been stolen holding all her possessions. Homeless, having no money and no-one to look after her or offer her the support she craved. Hormones he would admit were a contributing factor he accepted that, and the fact she didn’t like giving information out until they had the heart-to-heart about why she originally left the village. Much to his shear horror of finding out her mum forced her into an abortion, no wonder Sophie had a problem with her mum.

He couldn’t understand why her mother could be so nasty? Did her mum not have any compassion, conscience or empathy for what she had been making her daughter do? The fact Sophie relied on her mum, being so young and gullible, she didn’t have the courage to stand up to her mum, and instead, not only did she continue with her pregnancy she started a new life, only one with horrendous consequences.

As much as he tried to understand her using drugs and drink to drown her sorrows to blank out her passed, he didn’t approve, but who had he been to judge Sophie when she’d been on the rebound of such a life changing event? 

Calvin longed to help her, put her on the right road. The thought of her giving away her unborn baby didn’t please him, he couldn’t understand, little had he known at the time, she’d already given their son away.

It was his provocative to get her help and knowing Ross had friends in places within the support system, he started helping, only on filling in her application form for a home then…the truth spilled out. The dismay took over sending his mind, heart, and body into turbulence. She was Sophie Richards, he had been the one to get her pregnant and that was his child she aborted.

Heartbroken and rage flared through all involved. He struggled to stand tall and breathe, tears flooding down his cheeks the pain hit him like a punch in the heart. There had been him carrying on with his life, not thinking about anything but himself and the business, while Sophie, had been living in squalor, fighting for her next meal, living a nightmare.

Then to add to the nightmare Sophie started bleeding. Calvin and Ross rushed Sophie to hospital where she had an emergency caesarean section— her daughter born early and Sophie ended up in intensive care. All the time he’d been by her bedside holding her hand. He tried encouraging her to wake up, talking, music, caressing her hand, even telling her off with regards her daughter needed her. He lied to the nursing staff saying he was her partner and the baby’s father. He had to get to her somehow to be beside her. His emotions had been high and he would be the first to admit he was falling in love…was in love.

Only there was a problem! People around them believed he was simply being with her due to guilt of her life being tipped upside down because of him. However, not the case, well maybe only a tiny bit. He’d loved her for many years, and still his heart felt the same way, yet, she had suffered while he lived the life of a bachelor.

After she’d woke from intensive care, it became difficult for him to get close to her, with her mum Rosalind being around. What pissed him off was the fact after all these years of neglecting her only child, she now wanted to help. He felt sick to the core just being in the same room with a woman who killed his child, made his pain flare.

Then yesterday…fate, killed him, sending his life into almighty crises. Sophie never aborted their child. Their son was very much alive and living in York.

He had spent most of the day thinking about his options, trying to understand why she gave their son away, why had she had him adopted? Yet, he knew the reasons why…she was alone, scared, and did what she thought had been right for Sabastian at the time. He wanted to call her all the names under the sun, the truth was…how could he? How could he forgive her for what she did all those years ago? He guessed the good point was their son knew he was adopted and thankfully Sophie had contact with the parents but for some reason that wasn’t easing his heart.

His mind mashed up, being pushed in one direction, then another, trying to listen to his sub-conscious, the reality was he couldn’t decide what would be right for the situation. He needed to confront Sophie and talk to the one person who…walked away from their son, did it haunt her? He believed what she said to him earlier, how there hadn’t been a day that went by without her thinking about him, having moments of crying, wishing there had been another solution…there had been…approaching him.

Seeing Sophie sitting on the bench in the white maxi dress he brought for her last week, when she had been heavily expecting, only a day later…her daughter was born. She looked tired red eyes, frowning at him, staring hard seeing her breathing slowly. He swallowed hard, unable to stand on the spot like a fool any-longer, he needed to man-up, talk to her. He had the perfect opportunity, no parents, no nurses, and she wasn’t beside an incubator.

He stepped closer to her, watching her lowering her head. He felt the tension between them. They were at critical point with one another, knowing their meeting would go one way or the other, good or bad. He had to say his peace. He had to make her understand his feelings toward what she’d shared about their son.

He hitched his breath while walking to the bench. He held his breathe for a few vital seconds to compose. He took a seat to her left side. Calvin rubbed his mouth, needing to find the courage to say something. He stared immediately to the front watching a few cars pass by. The sun beamed down on him burning the back of his neck. His mouth dry, but he found it essential that he had to try somehow to get the words out.

His heart thumped inside his chest. There were things that needed to be said. He had to do it before someone turned up and he lost his opportunity.

“How are you?” he asked.

“Okay,” she answered sweetly, with knots in her voice.

He knew this would all be far too sensitive. He had to try and step carefully, not wishing to make a scene or cause further heartache.

“My parents know,” she told him.

He turned his head to his right to look at her, while she remained staring down to her lap playing with her fingers.

“Know what?” He felt thick for asking, but he needed to know they were on the same wave length.

“About Sabastian, Mum was riddled in shock.” She turned her head to face him.

He dropped his jaw open, unsure how to reply, not believing she had managed to tell Rosalind the truth about their son.

“Really? What did she say?”

“I think she was more distressed at the fact that I had lied and carried on with the pregnancy without her being aware. She felt guilty for slamming the door on my face. Father knows and he has taken her home to discuss the matter, not sure what he plans on achieving when it’s in the past. I mean nothing is going to turn the clocks back and change anything!” she snarled.

Calvin sat by her side thinking about what she had just said. He agreed with her to a certain extent, but the reality was she’d given his son up for adoption. Unsure he could recover from the pain of his son being brought up by another couple, his own flesh and blood.

He could hardly breathe, how could he justify anything that happened all those years ago?

“You could have come to me,” he said, staring at her. She turned her head to glare at him wide-eyed. “But, I understand how scared you were and the reasons you didn’t, and like you said it isn’t going to change anything. Have you really spent every, single day thinking about him?” He remained to look into her pained eyes.

“Yes, every day,” she replied. He saw tears filling her eyes. “I love him with all my heart.” He noticed her hands trembling. “I never wanted to give him up, that had been the hardest part of my life, walking away from him. I wished I had searched more for help, but I didn’t know where to begin. There was too much information for me to understand. The fact remained, I did hand him over, with the greatest of regret maybe I had taken the easy option, but at least I made sure there were conditions in the contract,” she announced.

“Yes…Yes…I know it must have been hard for you and I’m so sorry for being harsh this morning, but I struggled to digest the information, and even now I still feel out cold. I have a son…we have a son,” he said, reaching out he clasped her hand tight.

Sophie gazed into his eyes. A small grin filled her face.

Chapter Two

There was so much information for them to digest. The fact the man she made love to all those years ago sat by her side, giving her all the support she desired. Yet, she could see he was lost in thought, no doubt thinking about their son and what he would like to do. She guessed he would want to meet the young man, even if just a sighting of him, so he could see exactly how much he looked like his father and ease his aching heart. It had never dawned on her how much Sabastian resembled to his father, they were almost identical

She sat staring at him. He stared into space, his mind clearly working overtime, she could fully understand that. Only she had her daughter to think about. Her parents she guessed might be at war and she was hoping her father would listen to reason, even if it was too late, far too late. The way Sophie looked at it, no matter what nothing could change anything or what she had been through, so what was the point? But now, Sophie learned her dad had been lied to for all these years about what really happened and that was unforgiving.

Her next concern was Rob, Kacey’s father turning up…she couldn’t see that happening in her wildest dreams, but what worried her was if Kacey needed anything from him, like blood, or any other organ…then most of his organs would be far too badly damaged and his blood riddled in nasty crap, no way would she want him to be a part of her daughter’s life. However, she regretted now not approaching Calvin. She wished she’d told him about her expecting his baby she sensed her life would’ve certainly have taken a different route.

No good in her thinking that way…the past is the past! She took the road she did and that was that.

She needed a solution to her mess, but her daughter had to come first.

“When are you heading back to London?” she queried.

Calvin turned his head to look at her frowning. “Not sure, but soon. Have a meeting with Father later to try and solve a few matters, not looking forward to that.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t even think I could concentrate on my job at the moment.”

“Sorry,” she knew the state of his mind was her fault.

“Don’t you worry about it! You have enough going on without me adding to your drama.”

“I think you are already caught up in the drama,” she announced when he spun his head to glare at her. “Sorry.” She wished she could stop saying that word, but the fact remained since they bumped into one another she had turned his life upside down.

She watched Calvin turn back to stare at the ground.

“Do you have to go back to London?” she asked, her stomach somersaulting, yet that answer was pretty clear let alone a dumb question, it was his job.

“Yeah, unfortunately. Being the manager and all that. I have taken extended leave and well…I think it’s best I show my face soon. It’s just hard when you have other issues playing on your mind.” he stared at her.

“I understand that. And it’s all my fault. I never wished to cause you all this pain. I never even expected to ever see you again.”

Calvin turned his head to stare at her. “Neither did I, but we have and I don’t regret that.”

“Why? You should be hating me for what I have told you.”

“I don’t hate you…I would never hate you. I just wish you had come to me, I would’ve helped you. I would certainly not have seen you out on the street or allowed you to have him adopted.”

“Calvin, please don’t.” Her eyes filled with tears. Her heart ached to his kindness that she really didn’t deserve.

“I want to be here to support you and Kacey.”

Sophie snapped her head to glare at him. “She isn’t yours.” He stared back at her horrified. His lips pressed firmly together, eyes peering harshly at her. She swallowed heavily and could feel her heart being ripped out of her chest. “Sorry,” she managed to say feeling larger knots in her tummy.

“I just want to help you.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I want to. Regardless!”

With that, Calvin stood.

She watched him walk away, heading toward the main building indecisive if to chase after him to explain. So fed-up of allowing her mouth to run away with her, but the truth was Kacey wasn’t his to worry about.

Sophie allowed him to go. She hitched her breath, aching in every limb.

Sophie made her slow way back up to her daughter. The nurse was doing Kacey’s observations. She stood watching the nurse in a daze her head spinning, thinking about Calvin thinking about what she said to him. 

“Will you be here for a few minutes?” she asked the nurse.

“Of course.”

“Good, I am just popping out.” Without giving the nurse a chance to reply Sophie stormed out the main door giving chase to Calvin.

She left the department taking the stairs down to the ground level. She dashed to the sliding doors waiting for them to open enough to get her body through and charged out, almost knocking into a person entering the building. She quickly apologised and made her run for it desperate to locate Calvin, eager to try and explain yet another
put her foot in it.
 

She scanned up and down the entrance area, nothing. She ran to the car park wondering if he’d been heading to his car, but all she could see was cars arriving and a few visitors leaving no sighting of Calvin. She tried to peep around the area for his car, unable to see it. She rushed in the opposite direction as the sun still blazed down without a cloud in the sky, weather reports were now complaining about a water shortage, nothing new there.

She raced to the opposite side of the building to see a couple pushing a baby in a pram. She froze on the spot, jealous. She watched them walk their hands clasped on the pram handle, looking proud, content and so in love. Her throat tightened. She could not take her eyes of the happy couple, frowning while her heart sank into the pit of her stomach. She craved deeply to push her daughter around, have special moments with someone who cared for her. Be a happy couple, enjoy precious events, only all remained a dream.

She covered her hand over her mouth, relishing the couple, resenting them, finding a magical experience in their lives together, sharing a baby, sharing love, bond, and connection. Sophie had nothing, no-one, well she did, only he she kept pushing away.

How Calvin meant the world to her. The first man to show her a heart, compassion let alone putting himself out to be with her. What did she do every time he came near her? Pushed him away.

“Not a good feeling is it?” a male voiced behind her said.

She spun immediately around to look directly into his eyes. Calvin.

Her mind side-tracked, delighted she stood before Calvin.

“I’m so sorry about what I said,” she told him stepping closer to him and holding her hands out, craving to touch him, craving to have him put his arms around her and secure her into a breath-taking cuddle. She had the need to be hugged and told everything would be okay. Only she feared that wasn’t the case, and her heart stopped beating.

Calvin lingered where he stood, not making any attempt to move any closer to her.

Her heart yearned for him. Her eyes started to fill with tears, not believing he stayed at the hospital. He could have easily left, leaving her alone to defend for herself, unless their paths crossing had been a mistake.

She halted her steps, lowering her hands to her waist, aware no embrace was to happen.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s true, and I want to help you all I can,” he announced and turned around and walked back toward the bench. Her entire body wilted, gutted he turned from her. She made her way slowly to the bench they had been sitting on previous, sensing that was the confession bench.

She sucked in a deep breathe watching him sit down. He slouched forward, placing his face in his hands and ran his fingers through his thick stands of gelled hair.

She licked her lips. Clearly, there were some issues still to be discussed. Sophie walked to the bench, rubbing the back of her neck feeling the tension. She sat down alongside him. Sophie watched people walking by while a few cars passed slowly with a speed limit of 5mph. The friction between them was stifling. Knots tangled in her stomach, she wished they would leave her alone, make her harden up to the woman she had only been a few months ago. Only Calvin, there was something remarkably special about him.

Sophie hankered for all the pain in her guts to subside she’d been through so much the last few weeks wishing there was some kind of an end in sight, but right now there no chance.

“I never meant to sound so harsh,” she spoke, breaking the silence.

Calvin continued rubbing his face then back to ruffling up his hair. She could almost feel the weight of his worries on his shoulders. His shoulders slumped, body tense, deep frown lines, certain he was close to tears. However, she had to hold back, there was no-way she could offer him comfort, as much as she yearned to, it would only add confusion to their situation further.

“Don’t worry about it. I have been here far too long and people are doing nothing but speculating about us…” he told her moving his hands away from his face. “At first all I wanted to do was offer you help, guide you, you were in a right mess, and then once I discovered who you were, which I should have picked up when seeing you first…but I didn’t…the guilt set on.” Sophie wanted to speak, having something to say, when he held his hand up clearly not wishing to be interrupted. “Then, with all the shit that had happened, and then you bleeding and needing instant medical help…I…I…well, I wanted to be here for you, and show support, help you wherever I can.

“And then, you told me about Sabastian…I mean bloody hell, talk about hitting me with a large hammer and ripping my heart out…and all at the same time grrr,” he angered.

He stood and walked a few feet away from her frustrated tensing his muscles forming tight fists.

She watched him tense clearly fighting his true emotions. No, she didn’t wish to hear what he had to say or hear the truth, aware of how much it would hurt her, but on the other hand…she had to hear it, allow him to get the anger out.

He inhaled a deep breathe. “I loved the day we had in the Dales, so perfect and beautiful,” he spoke calm, relaxed and lost in the memory. “If I could repeat it I would, but the truth to the matter is, I’m not sure if I can ever forgive you…” he raised his voice. Sophie stopped breathing. “You gave our son away,” he said through grinding teeth and spun around reddening in his face. “You should have come to me,” he raged while thumbing his chest. “You should have told me you were carrying my flesh and blood, bollocks to the rest,” he yelled. “We were going to be parents, regardless, I would have financially supported you, helped with whatever I could, instead you allowed me…to live a dream, have a life of selfishness and sleeping in a bed full of money, while you were struggling…how can I ever forgive you?”

“But, Calvin.” Torrents of tears seeped down her cheeks.

“No, Sophie, allow me…” he said cut throat staring directly into her eyes. “You should have come to me, yes, I would have been pissed off and no doubt shocked, wanted to cut off my goddamn dick. I would have called you all the names under the sun, but at the end of the day that night we made love, had sex, or whatever you wish to call it. I had my sperm meet your egg and that fertilized into our son yet, you said nothing…nothing at all. You could have gone to my parents and told them you urgently needed to talk to me, they would have given you my number or if not contacted me, but you didn’t. You chose to carry on and give our,” he raved thumping his chest hard while widening his eyes, “Our baby away.”

“Yes, I am not disputing the family haven’t done a wonderful job with him. I’m not saying he hasn’t received all the love and gifts he wished for, but I could have done that. I could have shared playing football with him, going to the movies,” he blurted pacing back and forth in anger, “to watch kid films, taken him to MacDonald’s, even though I hate them. I could have shared so many wonderful times with him.” He stopped abruptly in front of her to glare vicious into her eyes. “Not only have you deprived me but him. How could you just walk away, leave him with complete strangers and hope they bring him up correctly?” he yelled.

Sophie could sense her body crumbling to his grief tears streaming down his cheeks knowing how he hurt.

“I am sorry, Sophie, I have tried,” he continued pacing back and forth, his body tense. “I have tried so hard to understand your reasons to why…but my heart is not accepting them at all. I cannot get my head around how you could just walk away and not tell a single soul about him until now. Yes, you can hate your mum, blame her, but the reality was you could have gone back home and told her you were keeping the baby, yes, emotions would have been high and a few harsh words said, and maybe she might have kicked you out…but I’m sorry, the road you took was the easy one, no commitments, and carrying around a baby you didn’t want.”

“That is not true…I wanted him,” she sobbed. “How dare you say that?” She stood in anger longing to slap him across the face, she couldn’t he was distressed enough.

“So why not get help. Why not go and get some support, seek housing like every other person?”

“Please, Calvin, I never wanted to give him away,” she declared, breaking down, struggling to stand on her two feet in pain.

“Look you can say what the hell you like to me, the truth is I have a son, that you gave away, you chose,” he said, pointing into her chest, “to give him up for adoption and quite frankly, I am appalled by the nurses who were at the clinic for going along with your story. They should have acted professional and told your mum the truth. Yes, I agree with you, and thank you for not terminating your pregnancy, but unfortunately it’s playing heavy on my heart and I’m not sure how the hell to cope. I am mourning a son who is alive and is being brought up by another couple. I am going to do what is right for me…”