Innocence (28 page)

All he could do was stand and stare at Sophie, not liking one bit what he saw. His eyes filled up, guilt took over, knowing if he’d got her to the doctor sooner she would not be in such a bad way.

“Sorry, I need a minute,” he said and rushed back out of the room and down the corridor. He barged out the double doors and broke into tears. His stomach wrenched and his chest was so tight he could barely breathe. He slammed his back against a wall, needing support before he collapsed on the floor. He kneeled down and placed his head in his hands and sobbed. He hated himself. He hated what had occurred and seeing Sophie in such a position made him ache.

You fucking idiot, you should have brought her sooner, you should have brought her when she mentioned the baby wasn’t moving, you moron, this could have been prevented.
Calvin wanted to hit himself and hard. All this was his fault. His heart riddled with guilt.

After a short time, he composed himself. The reality was Sophie was in the bed hooked up to all those monitors and he had to get a grip. She needed his strength to wake up and give her all the help she required, whether it was just his smile or him holding her hand, he was sure he could give her some compassion. He knew her parents would not be far away and therefore he needed to pull himself together and be with her.

He wiped the tears away from his cheeks and eyes to then stand tall. He pulled down his shirt and swallowed hard. He rolled his tongue over his teeth and decided to go back to Sophie and be a man.
Compose, Calvin, compose!

Calvin walked back into the intensive care unit and saw the nurse who had shown him to the room. He grinned. Full of determination he made his way back to Sophie and knocked gently on the door and waited to hear a small voice to enter.

“Enter.”

He opened the door and saw the nurse turning her head to gaze at him.

Calvin shuffled his way into the room, holding his head low, knowing he had been a fool, but it got to him seeing Sophie, in such a condition.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be daft, it’s alarming to see your loved one hooked up to machines. Just try and support her, talk to her, and play your tune, anything is worth a try.”

He lifted his head to look at her and smiled. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I will try the music and sit and talk to her,” he said, looking at Sophie. He inhaled a deep breath, aware he needed to stay focused and strong. He made his way slowly to the armchair placed close beside the bed.

“I bet you have a really special romantic song you share.”

“We do,” he agreed.

“Well, do tell me,” she scoffed.

Calvin could tell he was going to have fun with this nurse. “Erm…” he had to think quickly.

“The suspense is intriguing me,” she said while walking around the bed and picked up the clipboard attached at the end of her bed. 

He thought fast, thinking about ten years ago and a track they had embraced one another with. Then he remembered a song
Deepest Blue
, by Deepest Blue, he always downloaded onto his phone, reminding him of Sophie and never had the heart to listen to it, due to the memories. The very girl he made love to, the memories of how magical it had been, and how he craved to hold her tight forever. If only he held that promise, the very night of his eighteenth party, boy how those thoughts crucified him now.

“Let’s hear it then,” she encouraged him.

“What…” He saw her tilting her head to the side, clearly waiting for the tune. “Oh…okay.” With that he reached into his jeans pocket, pulled out his phone, scrolled through his music, and found the very tune. His heart missed a beat. His mind had been hijacked just thinking back to the night and how innocent Sophie had been. He hit play.

The sound of the tune burned in his ears, thinking back he remembered smelling her clean-fresh hair, how he had been worried about moving closer to her, concerned about how she would react, would she scream at him or open her arms. He took the risk, he moved the small few steps forward to her and although when closer and their bodies touching she froze for a few seconds, slowly he wrapped his arm around her waist, she welcomed him. His heart raced. How his breathe hitched when he glided his hands up and down her silky smooth skin. She turned around to snuggle into his chest feeling her breath on his neck, that night had been clear magic.

His stomach somersaulted. He closed his eyes, listening to the track playing. All those fantastic memories were shattered to now haunt him in the tragic events that unfolded. He fought back the tears that beckoned. God, his heart ached and never had he felt so guilty and ashamed of himself.

The tune played. His heart galloped to the beat. He stood staring down on Sophie’s fragile body with all the tubes running from her. He wanted to take hold of her hand and tell her everything would be okay, but the reality was he had no idea what the future held for her. What was certain, there was a tough road for her and her daughter’s recovery.

“Hold her hand and talk to her. Put the tune on repeat, allow her to listen to something familiar,” the nurse told him.
The tune isn’t familiar! At least I don’t think so!

He turned his head to the right to glance at her.
If the woman only knew I was lying.

“Would you care for a drink?” she said politely.

“Please,” he added.

He put in his order and she headed off, leaving him alone with Sophie. He scraped the armchair along the floor pulling it closer to the bed. Calvin took hold of her right hand and carefully placed it into the palm of his hand. He gazed up at Sophie, noticing her in a frumpy hospital gown, white with mint coloured triangles. Her eyes shut tight, looking so beautiful, her hair combed, and observed her chest moving up and down, unsure if that was her or the machine.

“I am so sorry,” he said, tears filled his eyes. “I should have brought you here as soon as you told me about your daughter,” he kneaded her hand softly. “I should have forced you to come, but I sense your stubbornness, then again you came down from the bridge. I cannot help but feel something drastic with my heart going on with you. I am not sure whether I’m riddled with grief, or if…” A tear trickled down his cheek. “Or if I’m madly in love with you, or if I have ever never loved you. It always felt after our night together a piece of me was missing.”

“Sophie, I have to tell you. I need to be honest with you. I went looking for you. Only when I visited the village, your mum told me you were out, or I left I went back, but still she gave me lame excuses, then on my last visit she told me you were gone, vanished and no one knew where you were. Sophie, I am so sorry. I should have been there for you, but…” He wiped the tears from his cheeks.

“I feel all this is my fault. Since that night in the barn your life has been turned into a living nightmare and I had no idea. You should have come to me. I would’ve helped you, guided and certainly would never have even suggested an abortion. But I guess, this is where I have to allow the past to lay. I cannot bring back what happened or relieve your pain, but I promise to help you with the future and getting you settled. Your parents are coming good, and that is what is important to you, right! You will need all the help and support to get through the next few months, and need your loved ones, even if…” Another tear escaped, he decided to stop torturing himself and changed the subject.

“I have to go back to London, but I am going to wait and make sure you and the little one are okay. I would not just leave without telling you. After all…” He paused and swallowed hard. “I really like you, too much I fear,” he said, holding her hand, really wanting her to wake up.

“I often wondered what would have become of us, if when I went looking for you, you would have welcomed me with open arms and we might have been living happily ever after, okay I might have been shocked about well…becoming a dad so young, still being a kid myself, but…what I could promise you, I would never, ever have walked away from you or the baby. Hell I might have even accepted responsibility and loved you more, if possible. All these years I wondered what had happened to you, where you were. I pictured you settled with a nice man, home, giving you the luxuries I desired to give you and instead. Now I fear that would never have been the case,” he annoyed. He started to think the opposite and how she would have hated him for getting her pregnant and putting her in such a predicament and then what followed. “I have no idea what to do for the best. I have screwed up in many ways, but with you… jeez…and I wasn’t even aware. I cannot imagine what you went through when you discovered you were expecting, let alone approaching your mum and telling her.” Calvin knew he had to stop the pain inside his chest and try and move on, but right now, he was in an emotional state and unsure of what the next few days would bring.

The nurse brought him a cup of tea. He sat talking to Sophie while the nurse checked her observations, being careful of what he talked about. The nurse and Calvin talked about what monitor was doing what, he found it fascinating considering what Sophie had been through to end up here in intensive care.

He heard a knock on the door and turned to find Rosalind popping her head around the door. She smiled and stepped inside the room just when the nurse finished.

“Hello,” Rosalind said.

They greeted one another followed by Alan entering.

The nurse left and Calvin inhaled a deep breath, upset knowing he would need to leave the room and allow them time with their daughter, despite his reservations about their past.

“How are you, Calvin?” Alan asked, whilst he collected his phone from Sophie’s pillow where it lay still playing music.

“Not too bad. I will leave you both for a short while, I’m going to see the little one and find out how she’s doing,” he thought to say, not wishing to be in their company all that much, but at least Sophie wouldn’t be left alone, and he needed to see the baby. He stood and made his way to the door.

“You don’t have to go,” Rosalind said, placing her handbag on the floor on the opposite side of the bed beside the second armchair.

“It’s fine.” he grinned. “I want to see the baby, I haven’t seen her yet,” he said, other than the time she came out of the operating room and he saw how tiny and fragile she’d been.

He took one last glance at Sophie, angry he had to leave her, she looked so helpless and in dear need of a cuddle. Calvin inhaled a deep breath and saw Alan taking the seat he had been in. His heart shattered into tiny pieces just at the thought of going. He just hoped him leaving Sophie with her parents was what she would wish for as otherwise when she wakes he’ll be in the bad books.

He took hold of the door handle and exited the room 

He couldn’t bring himself to be in the same room with Rosalind without thinking about ten years ago. Wrong it might be, but it did play on his mind how she took Sophie to…he had to immediately stop thinking that way, those thoughts weren’t helping anyone.

He stood in the corridor gasping for breath, aching in parts of his body he’d forgotten existed until coming back into contact with Sophie. He was truly scared about seeing the little one fighting for her tiny life. Unsure he could enter the neonatal unit, instead he should leave the building and walk away, walk away from the whole mess that had been created on his holiday. He only came to Yorkshire for a break and ended up resenting himself and saving a woman and baby’s life, but had he?

Instead, he had appeared to be trapped between, guilt and love. He wanted to throw his arms around Sophie and promise her so much, to look after her and make sure they would be okay. Then there was also the fact he’d been contemplating taking Sophie and her unborn baby down to London with him, he couldn’t do that now, no way.

He stood outside the double doors. He breathed in, bit on his lower lip, and decided he had to check on the tiny baby and make sure she was okay.

He ran his tongue over his teeth and decided to go for it. Calvin opened the door smelling the instant sterilizing solutions and disinfectant. His heart beat crazy inside his chest, and he wondered if he was going to combust. He took a few steps inside and saw a nurse sat at the station with a few comfortable chairs he guessed the waiting area.

“Hello there, can I help you,” spoke a woman lifting her head up.

“Yes…sorry…” he said, choking up needing to keep his wits about him. “Sorry, Baby Richards,” he informed her, and noticed another set of double doors with prospect window with security doors, not allowing any riff raff into the area, then these were sick babies and beyond them he noticed another set of doors.

“Sorry, can I ask who you are?”

“Sorry…” His heart stopped beating and his chest tightened. What the hell could he say? “The father,” he grimaced and looked at her.

“Oh, right, you look pretty pale,” she spoke softly.

“Sorry…I erm…”

“You don’t need to explain. I’m sure you have had enough to deal with, with her mum,” she added.

“Yes…the last twenty-four hours have been the worst ever,” he said speaking honestly.

“I can imagine this has been a difficult time for you all. I will get the nurse who is looking after Baby Richards,” she said and picked up a phone.

Calvin stood back and looked through the glass pane and gulped repeatedly, trying his hardest to clear his thoughts, boy, what he would have to explain once Sophie woke up. He feared she would smack him, either that or once strong enough kick his ass, but right now he had no other option and as there was no man in her life…he was the next best thing.