Inglourious Basterds (15 page)

The Nazi guards unlock the handcuffs, then sit them down in chairs.

Then, simultaneously, the hoods are YANKED OFF.

The two prisoners are seated at a table, in what they can now see is a rustic tavern. On the table is one telephone, one bottle
of Chianti, and three glasses. And on the opposite end of the table sits Col. Hans Landa.

A NAZI SOLDIER sits posted at an impressive-looking two-way radio set up in the tavern.

Col. Landa starts in right away at the two baffled, discombobulated American soldiers.

They will only speak ENGLISH in the scene.

Italian? Really?

(BEAT)

What could you have possibly been thinking?

Well, I speak a little Italian—

I speak a little Tagalog, but I wouldn’t begin to presume I could pass for Filipino. Don’t get me wrong, I understand you
were in a pickle, what with you losing your Germans. And I have nothing but admiration for improvisation. Still… Chico Marx
is more convincing. If the three of you had shown up at the premiere dressed in woman’s attire, it would have been more convincing.

Landa’s eyes go to the two Nazi guards behind the prisoners.

(GERMAN)

You may leave us. But stay alert outside.

They exit, leaving the colonel, the lieutenant, the private, and a German radio man in the corner.

So you’re Aldo the Apache?

So you’re the Jew Hunter?

Jew Hunter (pfuit). I’m a detective. A damn good detective. Finding people is my specialty. So naturally I worked for the
Nazis finding people. And yes, some of them were Jews. But Jew Hunter? Just the name that stuck.

Well, you do hafta admit, it is catchy.

Do you control the nicknames your enemies bestow on you? Aldo the Apache and the Little Man?

What do you mean, the Little Man?

The German’s nickname for you.

The German’s nickname for me is the Little Man?

Or the “Little One”, either one means you. And as if to make my point, I’m a little surprised how tall you are in real life.
I mean, you’re a little fellow. But not circus-midget little, as your reputation would suggest.

Where are my men? Where is Bridget von Hammersmark?

Bridget von Hammersmark. Oh, I’m sure she’s in whatever, big bubbling cesspool in hell the devil reserves for traitors of
her ilk.

(CON’T)

Well, let’s just say she got what she deserved. And when you purchase friends like Bridget von Hammersmark, you get what you
pay for. Now as far as your paisanos Sergeant Donowitz and Private Hirschberg—

How do you know our names?

Lt. Aldo, if you don’t think I wouldn’t interrogate every single one of your swastika-marked survivors… ? We simply aren’t
operating on the level of mutual respect I assumed. Now, back to the whereabouts of your two Italian saboteurs. At this moment,
both Hirschberg and Donowitz should be sitting in the very seats we left them in. Seats 0023 and 0024, if my memory serves.
Explosives, still around their ankles, still ready to explode. And your mission, some would call it a terrorist plot, as of
this moment is still a go.

The two basterds don’t believe this. It can’t be true.

That’s a pretty exciting story. What’s next, Eliza on the ice?

However, all I have to do is pick up that phone right there, inform the cinema, and your plans kaput.

IF they’re still there, and IF they’re still alive, and that’s one big IF, there ain’t no way you gonna take them boys without
settin’ off them bombs.

I have no doubt, and yes, some Germans will die, and yes, it will ruin the evening, and yes, Goebbels will be very very very
mad at you for what you’ve done to his big night. But you won’t get Hitler, you won’t get Goebbels, you won’t get Goering,
and you won’t get Bormann. And you need all four to end the war.

(pause)

But if I don’t pick up that phone right there, you may very well get all four. And if you get all four, you end the war…
tonight.

The Nazi colonel lifts up the bottle of Chianti and fills three glasses. As he pours, he says:

So, gentlemen, let’s discuss the prospect of ending the war… tonight.

All three have their Chianti filled glasses.

So the way I see it, since Hitler’s death, or possible rescue, rests solely on my reaction… If I do nothing… It’s as if
I’m causing his death, even more than yourselves. Would you agree?

I guess so.

How about you, Utivich?

I guess so too.

Good, we more or less all agree. Gentlemen, I have no intention of killing Hitler, and killing Goebbels, and killing Goering,
and killing Bormann, not to mention winning the war single-handedly for the Allies, only later to find myself standing before
a Jewish tribunal.

Now they get it.

If you want to win the war, tonight, we have to make a deal.

What kinda deal?

The kind you wouldn’t have the authority to make. However, I’m sure this mission of yours has a commanding officer? A general,
I’m betting. For…

(thinking)

… . O.S.S. would be my guess.

Aldo’s eyebrows reveal that was a good guess.

Oooh, that’s a bingo. Is that the way you say it, that’s a bingo?

You just say, bingo.

Bingo! How fun. But I digress, where were we? Oh, yes, make a deal. Over there is a very capable two-way radio. And sitting
behind it is a more than capable radio operator named Herrman. Get me somebody on the other end of that radio with the power
of the pen to authorize my— let’s call it, the terms of my conditional surrender, if that tastes better going down.

BACK TO THE PREMIER

Shosanna is in the booth. She brings down the lights.

In the packed, excited auditorium, the house lights go down.

CU CURTAIN SWITCH. She flips it.

In the auditorium, the RED VELVET CURTAINS part.

Shosanna throws the lever on the first projector.

The PROJECTOR BULB goes HOT WHITE, PROJECTING A BEAM…

FILM REELS rotate…

35mm FILM moves through the projector’s film gate…

The opening seal of a film by the THIRD REICH flickers on the SCREEN…

Goebbels and Francesca watch…

Hitler watches…

Fredrick watches…

Donowitz and Hirschberg watch…

Shosanna, in the booth, watches through the little window…

The CAMERA PANS OFF of Shosanna to the clearly marked film can, REEL 4. The SURPRISE REEL.

BACK TO LANDA AND THE BASTERDS

Landa, with radio headphones over his ears and a microphone in his hand, talks to the UNSEEN/UNHEARD American brass on the
other end.

… So, when the military history of this night is written, it will be recorded that I was part of Operation Kino from the very
beginning, as a double agent.

Anything I’ve done in my guise as an S.S. colonel was sanctioned by the O.S.S., as a necessary evil to establish my cover
with the Germans. And it was my placement of Lieutenant Raine’s dynamite in Hitler and Goebbels’s opera box that assured their
demise. By the way, that last part is actually true.

FLASH ON

Landa placing bomb in Hitler and Goebbels’s opera box.

BACK TO LANDA

I want my full military pension and benefits under my proper rank.

I want to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for my invaluable assistance in the toppling of the Third Reich.

He looks over and sees Aldo and Utivich watching the one-sided conversation.

In fact, I want all the members of “Operation Kino” to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. Full citizenship for myself—but
that goes without saying. And I would like the United States of America to purchase property for me on Nantucket island, as
a reward for all the countless lives I’ve saved by bringing the tyranny of the National Socialist Party to a swifter than
imagined end. Do you have all that, sir?

(pause)

I look forward to seeing you face to face as well, sir.

(pause)

He’s right here.

The colonel hands the headphones and microphone to Aldo.

Yes, sir?

We HEAR the VOICE on the other end of the radio give Aldo his orders:

Colonel Landa will put you and Private Utivich in a truck as prisoners. Then he and his radio operator will get in the truck,
drive to our lines. Upon crossing our lines, Colonel Landa and his man will surrender to you. You will then take over driving
of the truck and bring them straight to me for debriefing. Is that clear, Lieutenant?

Yes, sir.

The conversation is over. He puts the radio down.

The three men look at one another.

Landa picks up his wine.

So I suppose the only thing left to do is lift a glass and toast to Donowitz and Hirschberg’s success. You too, Herrman, come
over here.

The four men, Col. Hans Landa, Lt. Aldo Raine, Pfc. Smithson Utivich, and Herrman, lift up four glasses of wine.

Gentlemen, to history, and its witnesses.

CHEERS.

BACK TO THE PREMIERE

WE CUT TO THE B/W FILM ON SCREEN.

Fredrick Zoller, playing himself, is in an ornamental tower in a Russian village, picking off RUSSIAN SOLDIERS below.

A RUSSIAN GENERAL KCHOVLANSKEY

peering at the German private through binoculars. He lowers the long-range glasses and confers with one of his OFFICERS.

(RUSSIAN)

What’s the death toll?

(RUSSIAN)

47, so far.

WE HEAR A SHOT.

(RUSSIAN)

48. General, I implore you, we must destroy that tower!

(RUSSIAN)

That tower is one of the oldest and most beautiful structures in Russia. I won’t be responsible for turning a thousand years
of history into dust!

A BRAVE RUSSIAN SOLDIER tries to run between two buildings.

Zoller gets him.

Then proceeds to pick him apart, one bullet at a time.

SHOSANNA IN THE PROJECTION BOOTH

She removes “REEL 4” (the Special Shosanna Reel) and prepares it on the second projector. Reel 3, on the first projector,
playing now, is halfway through. In a few short minutes, it’s going to be show time.

Marcel says to Shosanna in FRENCH, SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH:

It’s time. I should go lock the auditorium and take my place behind the screen.

This is the last time they will ever see each other—too much to say. He holds her in his arms and lays a one kiss before I
die wet one on her.

DONOWITZ AND HIRSCHBERG

sit in their seats watching the movie, surrounded by DRESS-UNIFORM NAZIS. They’ve developed a dopey way of communicating with
each other in this hostile environment.

Basically, speaking English as if it were gibberish Italian they say English words, only adding an “I” or “A” or “O” to the
end of it. And saying it in an exaggerated Italian accent, complete with pantomimes.

Donowitz leans into Hirschberg and says in a whisper:

They speak in ITALIAN-ISH SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH:

(ITALIAN-ISH)

I-a go-a toilet-a, set-ta Boom-a.

(I go to the toilet and set the bomb.)

When-a I-a go-a, you-a set-ta Boom-a.

(When I go, you set your bomb.)

Hirschberg indicates/pantomimes that he can’t set his bomb surrounded by all these Nazis.

Donowitz pantomimes crossing his legs and setting the bomb on his ankle in his seat. Then getting up and dropping it in the
back of the auditorium in the dark.

Hirschberg doesn’t get it.

What-a?

(What?)

Donny pantomimes again, more exaggerated, and with less patience.

Affirm-ato, affirm-ato

(Affirmative, affirmative.)

They-o look-o screen-a, not-o you-a. (They’re looking at the screen, not you.)

Fantastic-o.

(Fantastic.)

After-teri, set-ta, five-o moment-o

(pointing to watch)

You-a, pphisst.

(After you set the bomb, wait five minutes, and get out of here.)

What-o?

(What?)

Confussi-i, confuss-i, confuss-i.

(Confused, confused, confused.)

What-a, and-o what-o, same-o?

(I thought “What-a” meant “What.”

Does “What-o” mean “What,” as well?)

Oh-o, sorr-o, I-o meant-a “What-a.”

(Oh, sorry, I meant what.)

After-teri, you-a set-ta bom-a, five-o moment-o, you-a, fuck-o pphisst.

(After you set the bomb, wait five minutes and get the fuck out of here.)

Affirm-ato, affirm-ato.

(Affirmative, affirmative.)

Good-a, luck-a.

(Good luck.)

Donowitz stands up from his seat and walks out of the dark auditorium into the lobby. The Nazi guards/ushers are gone, and
the lobby is completely empty. Seeing the STAIRS leading down to the WATER CLOSET/BATHROOM, he descends them to plant the
Boom-a—I mean, the bomb.

DESCENDING THE STAIRS