Inglourious Basterds (13 page)

How did you intend to get them into the premiere?

Hand me my purse.

They do. And she opens it and takes out three tickets to the film premiere.

Lt. Hicox was going as my escort. The other two were going as a German cameraman and his assistant.

Can you still get us into that premiere?

Can you speak German better than your friends? No. Have I been shot? Yes. I don’t see me tripping the light fantastic up the
red carpet anytime soon. Least of all by tomorrow night.

(pause)

However, there’s something you don’t know. There’s been two recent developments regarding Operation Kino. One, the venue has
been changed from The Ritz to a much smaller venue.

Enormous changes at the last minute? That’s not very Germanic. Why the hell is Goebbels doin’ stuff so damn peculiar?

It probably has something to do with the second development.

Which is?

FLASH ON

IN A PRIVATE DINING ROOM IN GERMANY, the FUHRER, aka Adolf Hitler, aka Adolf Shicklegroover, aka the Bohemian Corporal, having
dinner with Goebbels, only a few short days ago.

(GERMAN)

I’ve been rethinking my position in regards to your Paris premiere of “Nation’s Pride.” As the weeks have gone on and the
Americans are on the beach, I do find myself thinking more and more about this Private Zoller. This boy has done something
tremendous for us. And I’m beginning to think my participation in this event could be meaningful.

BACK TO BRIDGET

The Führer’s attending the premiere.

Donny breaks the team’s silence:

What?

When the hell did this happen?

The venue change, two weeks ago. The Führer’s attendance, four days ago.

And how come London don’t know nothing about that?

We need to get something straight, once and for all. Everything London knows, it learned from me. If I don’t know, London
doesn’t know. So now, this is me, informing you, Hitler’s coming to Paris.

FUCK A DUCK!

Aldo stands up from the chair, pacing as he takes in this new information.

What are you thinking?

I’m thinking getting a wack at plantin’ ole Uncle Adolph makes this a horse of a different color.

What’s that supposed to mean?

It means you’re gettin’ us into that premiere.

I’m going to probably end up losing this leg, bye bye, acting career, fun while it lasted. How do you expect me to walk up
a red carpet?

The doggie doc’s gonna dig that slug outta your gam. Then he’s gonna wrap it up in a cast, and you gotta good “how I broke
my leg mountain climbing” story. That’s German, ain’t it? Y’all like climbin’ mountains, don’t cha?

I don’t. I like smoking, drinking, and ordering in restaurants, but I see your point.

We fill ya up with morphine, till it’s comin out ya ears. Then just limp your little ass up that rouge car-pet.

Splendid. When the Nazis put me up against a wall, it won’t hurt so much.

(changing tone)

I know this is a silly question before I ask it, but can you Americans speak any other language than English?

Other than Yiddish?

Preferably.

Donny, referring to Aldo and himself:

We both speak a little Italian.

With an atrocious accent, no doubt. But that doesn’t exactly kill us in the crib. Germans don’t have a good ear for Italian.
So you mumble Italian and brazen through it, is that the plan?

That’s about it.

That sounds good.

It sounds like shit, but what else we gonna do, go home?

No, it’s good. If you don’t blow it with that, I can get you in the building.

(changes tone)

So, who does what?

Well, I speak the most Italian, so I’ll be your escort. Donowitz speaks the second most, so he’ll be your Italian cameraman.
And Hirschberg third most, so he’ll be Donny’s assistant.

I don’t speak Italian.

Like I said, third best. Just keep your fuckin’ mouth shut. In fact, why don’t you start practicing right now.

(meaning Utivich)

What about the little one?

Do you mean me?

I didn’t mean any offense.

None taken, you German cunt.

Utivich is the chauffeur.

I can’t drive.

Bridget SCREAMS in frustration:

You Americans are fucking useless!

Gimmie a break. I’m from Manhattan.

No worries, son. We got over fourteen hours before the movie tomorrow. More than enough time for you to learn to drive.

No, no, no, no, Lieutenant, it’s not!

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, Private, it is. And yes, yes, yes, you will.

(changes tone)

Look, Utivich, you and I both know, if we went to grade school together, you damn sure ain’t copyin’ off of my test. Well,
I lernt to drive in four hours on a Tennessee mountain road. And I’m a shit-for-brains coal miner bootlegger. Hirschberg,
you know how to drive, right?

Yes.

Teach ’im.

But there is a problem. I’m a movie star. This is a movie premiere. I can’t show up looking like I was just in a Nazi gunfight.
Now I have a dress for the premiere at my hotel. But sometime tomorrow I have to get my hair done.

All the Basterds, except Donny, burst out laughing.

Sister, you must got wunderbar luck. Guess who went to beauty school?

The CAMERA WHIP-PANS to SGT. DONOWITZ.

Bridget rolls her eyes.

BLACK FRAME

CHAPTER TITLE APPEARS:

FADE OFF

INT—SHOSANNA AND MARCEL’S LIVING QUARTERS—NIGHT

We’re in Shosanna and Marcel’s living quarters above the cinema. We’ve never been in here before.

A SUBTITLE APPEARS ONSCREEN:

Shosanna’s standing before a full-length mirror in a real attractive forties-style dress for the premiere. She’s stunning.
This is the first time in her life she’s had the opportunity or the occasion to wear something like this. Since she knows
this is the last night of her life, no time like the present.

SOUNDS of the hubbub of the premiere, not to mention the German brass band that’s blaring Third Reich marches, can be heard
coming from below.

Shosanna walks to her apartment window and looks down at the Germanic miasma below.

SHOSANNA’S POV

WE SEE all the pageantry below. Tons of SPECTATORS. Tons of guests dressed in Nazi uniforms, tuxedoes, and female finery,
walking up the long red carpet (with a big swastika in the middle, naturally) leading into Shosanna’s cinema. The German brass
band omm-pa-pa-ing away. German radio and film crews covering the event for the fatherland back home. And, of course, MANY
GERMAN SOLDIERS providing security for this joyous Germanic occasion.

Shosanna COUGHS up a lugi and HOCKS it.

A GERMAN S.S. GENERAL being interviewed by a RADIO COMMENTATOR—the lugi HITS him right on his bald head.

Shosanna goes back to the full-length mirror, places a very fashionable forties-style hat on her head, then lowers the period-style
black fishnet veil over her face. She takes out a small GUN and puts it in the pocket of her dress, and it’s on. She exits
the apartment door to join the premiere. From this point on, there’s no turning back. It’s all the way baby, all the fucking
way!

INT—CINEMA STAIRWELL—NIGHT

The stairwell in the building that connects the living quarters with the cinema. Shosanna walks down the stairs and goes through
a door that puts her next to the projection booth door. She takes out a key and opens it.

INT—PROJECTION BOOTH—NIGHT

Marcel’s prepping the film reels for tonight. The five silver metal film cans that carry one 35mm reel of film each are laid
out. The cans for reels one and two are empty. Cans for reel three, our specially marked can for reel four, and the can for
reel five (which should never see the light of a projector) lie in wait.

Shosanna, looking like a forties movie star, enters the projection booth.

The scene in FRENCH SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH:

Ooh la la, Danielle Darrieux, this is so exciting. Pleased to meet you.

Shut up, fool.

Marcel lifts up the veil covering her face and their lips meet.

Cheeky black bugger. I have to go down and socialize with these Hun pigs. Let’s go over it again?

Reel one is on the first projector. Reel two is on the second. Three and four are ready to go.

Okay, the big sniper battle in the film begins around the middle of the third reel. Our film comes on in the fourth reel,
so somewhere toward the end of the third reel, go down and lock the doors of the auditorium. Then take your place behind the
screen, and wait for my CUE when I give it to you: BURN IT DOWN!

INT—CINEMA LOBBY—NIGHT

The pageantry of the evening is in full swing, as all the German beautiful people enter the cinema. They mingle in the swastika-covered,
Greek-nude-statue-peppered lobby. Nazi military commanders, high-ranking party officials, and German celebrities (Emil Jannings,
Veit Harlan) hobnob and drink Champagne from passing WAITERS, who carry glasses on silver trays.

We see Shosanna enter from the area at the top of the big staircase in the lobby that overlooks the lobby parlor entrance.
She descends the staircase and busies herself with theater stuff.

At the top of the staircase, looking down at the master race in all their finery, is Col. Hans Landa, dressed in his finest
S.S. dress uniform.

CAMERA FRAME

directly behind him. On the right side, we see the figure of Col. Landa, from behind, watching the guests entering the cinema.
On the left side of the frame is the cinema entrance, from a looking-down perspective of the guests entering the building.

THEN…

A THINK BUBBLE, like in a comic book, appears on the left side of the frame, obscuring the cinema entrance. Inside Landa’s
think bubble a little scene plays out.

THINK BUBBLE

A hospital room filled with DOCTORS, NURSES, and a PATIENT in a hospital bed. Then Col. Landa enters the room and screams
at everybody:

I want everybody out of this room!

They start to leave.

That means now, goddamnit!

They RUSH OUT.

He walks over to the patient in the hospital bed. It’s none other than SGT. WILLI, and yes, he’s still alive.

Landa pulls up a chair next to the bed and sits down.

Can you speak, Sergeant?

(weakly)

Yes, Colonel.

Tell me everything that happened in there.

The THINK BUBBLE DISSOLVES away, revealing the entrance again, and as if on perfect cue, in walks Bridget von Hammersmark,
dressed lovely, leg in a big white cast. The three Basterds in their tuxedos flank her.

CU COL. LANDA

smiles.

He descends the stairs, toward the four saboteurs…

They speak in GERMAN, SUBTITLED IN ENGLISH:

Fräulein von Hammersmark, what has befallen Germany’s most elegant swan?

Col. Landa, it’s been years. Dashing as ever, I see.

Flattery will get you everywhere, Fräulein.

They chuckle and air kiss.

So what’s happened to your lovely leg? A by-product of kicking ass in the German cinema, no doubt.

Save your flattery, you old dog. I know too many of your former conquests to fall into that honeypot.

Chuckle… chuckle…

Seriously, what happened?

Well, I tried my hand, foolishly I might add, at mountain climbing. And this was the result.

Mountain climbing? That’s how you injured your leg—mountain climbing?

Believe it or not, yes, it is.

A brief moment passes between the two…

THEN…

The colonel BURSTS OUT with UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER. So uproarious, in fact, that it’s quite disconcerting to the four saboteurs.

The colonel begins to regain his composure…

Forgive me, Fräulein. I don’t mean to laugh at your misfortune. It’s just… mountain climbing? I’m curious, Fräulein, what
could have ever compelled you to undertake such a foolhardy endeavor?

The double meaning is not lost on the German actress.

Well, I shan’t be doing it again, I can tell you that.

That cast looks as fresh as my old Uncle Gustave. When were you climbing this mountain, last night?

Very good eye, Colonel. It happened yesterday morning.

Hummm. And where exactly in Paris is this mountain?

This stops her for a second.

Then Landa laughs it off, taking them off the hook.

I’m just teasing you, Fräulein. You know me, I tease rough. So who are your three handsome escorts?