Infraction (8 page)

I shook my head. “I’ll be perfectly fine until she gets here. You need to get to work.”
He grimaced. “Go.”

He leaned over and kissed my forehead again. “If you need anything, just call, okay?
I’ll check in at lunch.”

My gaze followed him as he walked out, and I sighed when I heard the door click. It
was the first moment of peace I’d experienced since the morning of the accident. No
beeping machines, no nurses, no people asking me if I needed anything. Just…
silence
.

My life had become a routine: wake up, take meds, watch a movie, eat, take meds, nap.

For days this trend continued, the only variation being who was assigned as my babysitter.

At first, it’d been difficult for me to rely on Sarah and Erin because I didn’t know
them. However, the more time we spent together, the closer we became. We became even
closer in some more intimate ways when bathroom breaks came around and they had to
help me with some embarrassing, private matters. They almost seemed happy to do it,
almost as if it was proof I trusted them and was allowing them into my life.

Today they were staring at me, glints of mischief as they settled in.

“Why are you fighting this thing you have with Nate?” Erin asked. “I’m just curious,
because I see the way you look at him.”

I sighed and took a deep breath, as well as a leap of faith. “Because it’s hard to
fight for someone you never thought you deserved. Nathan is above me. He’s gorgeous,
much smarter than me, social. The only thing I have to offer is my body.”

Erin and Sarah shared a look, a silent conversation before Erin turned to me.

“He told you everything, and you said you couldn’t give it a real try? Why?” Erin
asked. Her expression was almost as sad as Nathan’s when I said it to him, but I couldn’t
figure out why she would have such an emotional response. I was also surprised by
the way her voice sounded tight and was breaking a little.

“From what little I’ve heard, you all sing nothing but praise about Grace. I’ll never
be able to live up to that. I’ll never be her. I’m me and I’m fucked up, and any delusions
I once had that we could be something died the second I learned he was still in love
with her.”

I wiped away the tears that sprang to my eyes, not strong enough to pretend anymore.
Sarah stood from her chair and walked over to my side of the bed, her arm wrapping
around me.

“Oh, Lila,” Sarah replied with a sigh. “You are very worthy of him.”

Sarah looked up to Erin for support. Erin took a deep breath and began, “Nate has
accepted her death, that she’s gone, but he’s never gotten over the guilt. Until he
deals with that, he can’t let her go from his heart. He blames himself for everything,
and he can’t stand the thought of the same thing happening to anyone else. He cut
us all off. I hadn’t seen him in months. Bad enough we lost Grace and the baby, but
we also lost Nate.”

Sarah sniffed, the conversation digging up painful memories. “Grace was a lovely woman,
but you bring life and meaning to him. She struggled with the ability to let go and
move on after each miscarriage, and Nathan never had a reason to move on after she
died. Yes, he loved her, very much, but with you I see a spark I’ve never seen in
him. Love has many shapes and depths, some richer than others. His for you is breathtaking.”

Sarah’s words gave me hope that maybe he could heal and let go; that we both could
overcome our ghosts. There might not be white horses riding off into the sunset, but
there could be happiness, and an all-consuming love.

The fact that his mother approved of me was monumental. Not since my own mother died
had that been in my life. My heart warmed at the simple sight of her.

C
HAPTER
8

D
r. Morgenson wasn’t soft in handling us, despite all that had happened. He made good
on his threats from the outburst at the hospital, and now we were both in a more intensive
therapy program than before.

We planned to meet twice a week; once would be an individual session, and the other
would be a joint session. The individual sessions were to make sure we both got back
on track after months away. He said the joint session was to help us understand each
other better and to make sure we opened up and communicated.

The day of our first joint session came, and my stomach was fluttering with butterflies
circling within, my nerves skyrocketing.

Nathan came into the bedroom in the early afternoon and picked me up to take me into
the living room where Darren was waiting to start our session. It was decided that
having our therapy in my home would be less of a strain on my mangled, healing body
than trying to transport me back and forth to Darren’s office. My stomach was in knots
and a wave of nausea almost overcame me as we made our way.

We were going to talk and get everything out in the open. I was conflicted. A part
of me wanted to be there for him, to know how best to help him, and I couldn’t do
that unless I knew what happened to him. But deep down inside, I was afraid. What
if I really couldn’t handle hearing about his pain and seeing him relive it just for
me? I wasn’t worth it. I knew that, but I was too selfish to let go. I needed him,
so that included sharing the burden of his pain.

Even scarier than learning about his trauma was him hearing about mine. No one wanted
me, I knew that, and Nathan’s illusions of me, or what he thought was me, would evaporate
into thin air. I’d be lost without him there to hold my hand.

It was the sole reason I was holding back, and it was a habit I had to stop. Darren
told me if I continued on that path I’d lose my one shot at being happy, so I bit
my lip and held my breath as we entered my living room.

Not a word was spoken as he sat me down on the chaise lounge on one end of the couch,
taking care that my leg was supported, and yet my insides were clenching violently.

Nathan sat down next to me and gripped my hand in his, making it apparent he was feeling
the exact same way.

“How are you both today?” Darren asked.

I blinked. Was it a trick question? Could he not see the expressions we both wore?
I couldn’t even look Nathan in the eye, but from my periphery it was obvious he wasn’t
handling this well already.

“Grand.” Nathan’s voice was curt, his eyes glaring, hackles up.

“I’m… fuck, I don’t know.” I shook my head.

“I know this a little scary but –”

“Big fucking understatement, Doc,” Nathan blurted out.

Darren chuckled. He understood. He knew us both. There was no guessing.

“Okay, so you’re not happy to be here with me, I get that. Relax. We’re all here to
help each other, and you should consider me a friend, not a doctor to dissect you
and break apart everything you say until you’re internally bleeding.” I released a
breath I hadn’t realized I was holding at his statement. Darren gave a kind smile
in return. “I want you both to realize I will never allow you to leave our sessions
if you’re feeling upset. All you have to do is say you’re not okay, and we won’t stop
until you’re feeling better.”

Nathan gave a tug at my hand and tucked my arm under his, pulling me closer in a protective
manner. “I’ve done this before, couples counseling, and it’s…not pleasant.”

My brows shot up. He did this with Grace? I always had the impression they had a blissful
marriage, so why couples therapy?

He turned to me a little and whispered, “When she kept miscarrying, we went through
a rough patch, and I wasn’t always as sensitive as I should have been.”

I nodded and leaned into him to show my support.

“Nobody’s here to blame anyone, Nathan. In fact, I don’t even want you to think that
word. Blame is a way of shifting unpleasant feelings. Feelings aren’t right or wrong,
they just are, and we can accept all feelings no matter what they are. Remember that.
Feelings aren’t wrong. If you can take that in, it will free you up. You’ll be surprised
at how liberating that one little motto can be.”

Darren shifted his gaze to me next. “Do you remember what your biggest emotional reaction
was when you were in the hospital a few weeks ago, before the accident?”

“Yes, I –”

He cut me off quickly.  “I don’t need you to tell me or relive it for now. We’ll get
to that in time, but I want you to think about what happened afterward.”

I nodded, even though I couldn’t for the life of me remember what did happen, except
that Darren was there for me after I freaked out about someone calling my dad.

“You can’t remember very well, can you?”

“No.” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat.

It was disconcerting to feel like someone else knew me better than I knew myself.
He seemed to have an unfair advantage. Nathan looked puzzled.

“The reason you can’t remember is because when you go into parataxic distortion, things
become that – distorted. You can’t think clearly, your emotions become the sole focus,
and your head gets fuzzy. Memory is skewed and off. So, even if you do remember, you
won’t see it for what it was. You might see the person who offended you as monstrous,
or hideous, or being out to get you, when that may not be accurate at all.” He grabbed
a file from his bag.

I swallowed hard. What had I said to him? I was nervous to think I might have been
out of my ever-loving mind.

Darren smiled at me in a reassuring gesture. “I see here you fired one of the nurses
and told her to get the hell out of your sight for even saying your father’s first
name.”

I what?

My fingers felt ice cold, and so did my toes. It was like all my circulation was congregated
in my chest. I had no recollection of that interaction at all.

He was waiting for a response, and I was hesitant. “I…don’t remember that.”

“It’s okay. Sometimes our mind also blocks stuff out when we’re in this mode. It’s
an act of self-preservation; to protect yourself.”

“What does this have to do with anything?” Nathan asked, sounding frustrated.

“I’m pointing this out to both of you because your memories might be much worse than
what actually happened.”

“Fuck that and fuck y– ” Nathan began, but was cut off by Darren’s hand going up in
a defensive gesture.

“I’m not trying to downplay what happened to either of you, just trying to help you
gain a different perspective. At first, some people find it’s easier to detach a little
emotionally, to get some of their emotions out of the way. Once you’ve sorted through
your shit, sorry for the slip, but after that, after you can lay it all out on the
table, you then go back and figure out how you feel about all of it. Then you deal
with it, but only after seeing the truth of what it was.”

I remembered his parataxic distortion speech before. He was rehashing it but in a
less detailed, lecturing manner.

“Nathan, when you hurt Lila on the day of the anniversary of your wife’s death, you
didn’t mean to do that to her, did you?”

“Absolutely not. I was sick with myself when I realized what I’d done.”

I ran soothing circles on Nathan’s hand.  There wasn’t a doubt in my mind anymore
that he hadn’t meant to hurt me. I was never angry with what he did to me physically;
it was the rejection that stung.

“And you didn’t remember much of it because you were in a heightened level of distortion.
Lila didn’t realize you were in such a state, otherwise she might have treaded a bit
lighter and not offered herself to you in that way.” Darren cleared his throat. I
could tell things were already going to head in an ugly direction. Bracing myself
for the accusations, I shut my eyes and held them closed. “Lila, you need to hear
this. Open your eyes, please.”

I refused. The session was already hurting too much. I didn’t think I could take hearing
I was the reason Nathan was worse instead of better.

“I’m fine,” Nathan whispered in my ear, like he was reading my mind.

I shook my head. “You’re not fine. I made you do that. If I’d left you alone like
you asked me to, we wouldn’t even be here.”

“Yes, we would. We need this, and that day wasn’t the only problem. It was us being
tipped over the edge we’d been clinging to by our fingertips. We are both far from
okay, and if it led us here, then I’m sorry, but I’m almost glad it happened. For
the first time in four years, I want to get better, I have a reason to get better.
I want you to get better, too. I want to be with you.”

I opened my eyes and felt a shift in the room. They were both looking at me, but it
was different somehow. They didn’t pity me, or coddle me. It was a look of adoration
and appreciation, almost like they were confident I would get through this with flying
colors. They made me feel brave, strong.

“Okay,” I murmured. “I want to learn. What can I do to make things better?”

Darren’s face split into a brilliant grin. “There’s a lot you both can do to make
this better. You both love each other, so that’s the basis for all this. All we need
is a few tools to keep things healthy and manageable so they don’t fall apart on one
or both of you when things get rough. And trust me, you both will have down days and
it
will be
rough. To expect everything to be perfect would be setting you both up for failure.”

Darren’s soothing voice set me at ease and my jumpiness ratcheted down a notch or
two.

“When you’re grieving the loss of Grace or your child, your instinct is to bottle
up and blame yourself. That has to stop. I know you don’t want to talk about it to
Lila, because you don’t want her to be miserable and share your pain, but what about
when she’s feeling down about herself? Don’t you want her to let you in?” Nathan nodded
in agreement. “Then you have to do the same. It’s about trust and friendship. I also
know you lash out and then get physical.”

Nathan inhaled in a rush, and a vein on his temple throbbed as he ground his teeth
together loud enough I could hear it. He seemed to be holding his breath, as well.

“It’s okay, Nathan. Sex is a part of your makeup as a man, and it’s your way of feeling
close to Lila, but it isn’t fair of you to not tell her you’re upset before you take
her that way. It’s obvious she wants to help you, and she has no problem giving herself
to you to make you feel better, but it will help both of you much more if she understands
it’s an outlet for you, a form of therapy. A way to feel connected. It can be a tremendous
help in healing you both, but it has to be done with respect, and that means telling
the other partner you feel hurt or scared, and need them to reciprocate by being affectionate
or sexual. You might even find it’s some of the best sex you’ve ever had, even more
so than makeup sex after a fight.” Darren smiled with a warmth that reflected his
respect and friendship with Nathan.

Nathan grinned, and I blushed. There was no arguing with that statement. It was some
of the best sex when one of us was reaching out with our body to feel okay inside.

“After you’re done connecting that way though, in order for it to help and be healing,
you have to then talk about what you felt hurt about. I think you’ll be amazed to
find that after sex your head is clearer and you can make better sense of your feelings.
You feel relaxed and trusting of your partner as you’re lying there in each other’s
arms.”

Nathan opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it and closed it. “I…that’s
when I feel the most open to speaking, but I know Lila’s not always comfortable sharing
what happened to her. I don’t want to force her.”

“You won’t have to. If you open up first and make the first move to be vulnerable,
you’ll find Lila will do it on instinct. It’s how this works. You give first, Nathan,
because you left her, and you’ll find she’ll begin to trust you again.” Darren looked
at me to make sure I was okay. I hadn’t realized a few tears had slipped down my cheeks.

I was desperate to believe Darren, but I was skeptical. Was it that easy?