Infraction (10 page)

“You know, Andrew…Andrew offered to take over tonight if you wanted a night off.”
I struggled to get the words out, my fingers twisting in my lap.

Nathan’s eyes grew wide, and he turned to look at me. I didn’t think I’d grown a second
head, but by the expression he held, I was wondering where the closest mirror was
so I could check.

“Out of the question,” he growled through clenched teeth.

“Well, that’s fine. It was just an offer. I’ll be on my way.” Andrew leaned down to
kiss my cheek and give my shoulder a squeeze.

“Thanks, Drew.”

Nathan was livid, based on the expression on his face.

I watched as Andrew left, somewhat afraid to look at Nathan. Still, my eyes found
him, and he was staring at me in silence.

He stood and paced, his head snapping to look at me, his mouth opening as if to say
something but no words came out. After a few rounds of this, he turned and stood in
front of me, his chest heaving as he glared down at me in utter disgust.

He clenched his fists and put them at the sides of his head, squeezing his eyes shut.
He was reaching his boiling point.

He didn’t say a word, merely opened his eyes, which were black with ire, then turned
and left, slamming the door behind him. The damn crying picked up again, and I was
sobbing into my hands.

He didn’t want me in any way anymore. I’d fucked everything up.
Again.

I called Caroline a few minutes later in a blubbering mess, unable to control all
the emotions flooding from me. Being the good friend she was, she rushed right over.

I needed to learn how to be a better friend.

When she arrived, I told her what had happened and a little bit about Nathan’s change,
but she pressed me to tell her every last depressing detail. She then helped me change
into something to sleep in, and onto the bed and under the covers.

My chest, which had been relatively quiet throughout the week, was now angry. Caroline
laid me down on the bed, stroking my hair, as I settled.

A few hours passed when we heard him return, his body still visibly tense and more
so when he saw Caroline. White powder clung to his hair and body, and I knew where
he’d been and what he’d done.

There were more holes in his walls. He was going to hurt himself soon if he kept handling
his anger that way. But what could I do?

Caroline pursed her lips and stood, arms crossed over her chest. “Can I speak to you
for a moment?”

They walked outside the bedroom and shut the door. Muffled yelling filtered in, a
word here, a word there, but not much I could distinguish. A few minutes later, they
walked in, Caroline sitting on the edge near my head, her fingers stroking at my hair
line.

“Lila, I think he needs to leave,” Caroline said. I nodded, unable to look at him.
“I’ve got her. Get out.”

“If that’s what you want, Lila.” His voice resigned.

I stared at the ceiling. I didn’t stop him. He needed to figure things out for himself
as I wouldn’t be offering up my body as sacrifice to his anger. Better if a wall didn’t
survive the night than me.

C
HAPTER
10

“O
kay,” Darren began, his gaze hard as he looked between the two of us. “Will someone
tell me what has happened over the last week that caused this?” His hand motioned
between the two of us, pointing out the obvious rift.

I lost it. All of the emotions I’d been holding back from Nathan’s view came flooding
out. I sobbed into my hands, and it was the first time in almost a week Nathan touched
me. His fingers brushed against my arm before he drew back. The motion only made me
sob harder.

“What the hell was that, Nathan?” Dr. Morgenson asked in annoyance.

“He doesn’t want me!” I cried, removing my hands from my eyes. “I asked him why he
couldn’t let her go, and ever since then, he’s ignored me! He doesn’t talk to me,
he doesn’t touch me. He’s angry all the time and looks at me with disgust. I want
to tell him to leave then, if he doesn’t want to be here…but…I…”

A new wave of sobs took over my entire body, and I began to wonder what the hell was
wrong with me. I’d never cried like that. Ever. Crying gave them power over me, and
Nathan already had more than enough.

Darren was staring at me, shocked. His head moved to look at Nathan, and the surprise
was evident on his face; I couldn’t help but look, as well. In a tentative motion
my head turned, and I saw the utter look of pain and horror etched into Nathan’s features.

He jumped up from his spot on the couch and began pacing, his hands pulling against
his neck. “I felt it was unfair! I was thinking of you.” His movements became erratic
as he paced. His fists clenched and unclenched, and I knew he was looking for a wall
to punch. “I kept hurting you! Every time I touched you…and then I knew you were wondering
if I wished you were her. I can’t take this anymore, Lila!”

He looked tired, defeated, and more worn than I’d ever seen.

“You’re right, Darren’s right, my mother’s right…none of it is fair to you. I’m trying
to figure it all out, because what I want most of all is you, and I know we can’t
be together until I let go. Let go of her, let go of my guilt. I…I don’t want to hurt
you anymore. I can’t do anything right!”

Darren shook his head and leaned back into his chair. “What did I say last time? You
need to communicate! This hurt, confusion, pain, could have all been prevented if
you had told her. Lila put herself out there, became vulnerable, and you pushed her
away. All that we talked about, opening up, sharing; you threw it out the window.”

“Dr. Morgenson?” My voice shook and was so timid, I wondered if he even heard me.

“I’m sorry, Lila. I…he’s like family, and I let my personal feelings overrule me for
a moment,” he said then turned back to Nathan. “If you’re not ready to move on with
Lila, there are plenty of men that would be honored to have her, and it’s not fair
for you to deprive her of the opportunity to have a full and happy life.”

That stopped Nathan dead in his pacing tracks. He shot Darren a death glare, not fazing
him in the least. “Not going to fucking happen.”

“Fine, then start talking.”

Nathan turned to me and began to lash out. “What the fuck was going on with you and
Andrew this week?”

His question and attitude pissed me off. “What do you care? You won’t even talk to
me. You’re pulling away.”

“Why would…how could you even think that? I’m here for you every single fucking day!”

I shook my head as I spoke. “Maybe you are here in a physical presence, but mentally
you’ve flown the coop. You built yet another fucking wall between us. It’s like it
was in the beginning, but this time I’m not getting anything at all from you!”

“Things were getting better and then you dropped that on me and I… What can I fucking
do? Because I can’t seem to do anything right.”

“You were doing everything right. Then you became detached, empty.”

Nathan sighed in defeat, slumping back down on the couch. “I’m always lost in thought.
Trying to remember, trying to forget.”

“Good, now you’re communicating,” Darren said, taking over the conversation. “Nathan,
let’s talk about your relationship with Grace.” Nathan tensed beside me, clearly uncomfortable
where he was heading. “Grace spent quite a bit of time on my couch the last few years
of her life. I want to talk about why.”

“Because we fucking lost four babies, that’s why.”

“You don’t remember the toll your job placed on your relationship? You were hardly
home.”

Nathan’s brow scrunched as he tried to remember. I could tell he was searching his
memory to recall the bad along with the good he remembered with ease.

“Things weren’t perfect, but I loved my wife. Sure, we had fights, like any other
married couple. My wife knew my job was important to me. She knew it would take me
away from her and our family for long periods of time. I tried to give my wife what
she needed: a nice home, nice car…a baby. It’s not my fault she couldn’t…” he trailed
off, and I watched as he froze.

I could see him working through the thoughts that assaulted him. He stood and began
to walk away.

“Where are you going?” Darren asked him.

“Air. I need air.” His fist was grabbing at his chest. His anxiety and panic was infectious
as it rolled off him.

“You blamed Grace in some way for being unable to carry your child. Did you know you
told me that in a session once?” Darren asked. Nathan stopped, his feet glued to his
spot. “You used work to escape your guilt and the anger you felt toward her, the miscarriages.”

“I loved my wife, and now she’s dead because of me! I still love her. I love my little
boy and all the others we lost so early on.”

I knew Nathan would always love her, and I would never ask him to forget about her.
That being said, it still stung when he so adamantly called out he loved her in the
present tense.

“Each of them is a weight on your shoulders.” Darren’s sympathetic tone suggested
he knew it was Nathan’s greatest hurdle.

Nathan’s fingers tangled into his shirt at his stomach. “They were my responsibility
and I…I failed them!”

It tore at my heart to see him so distraught. But like everything else about him,
his agony was staggering in its strength.

“I’m hearing a reoccurring theme here. You keep referring to Grace as ‘my wife.’ Isn’t
that a bit unfair to Lila? Shouldn’t she hold the top spot? You refer to her as ‘your
Lila’ but not ‘my girlfriend.’ Curious, is there a reason behind that? Do you want
Lila to be your wife?”

I scrunched my brow and looked up at Nathan who was staring wide-eyed at Darren.

“Hmm, that’s interesting,” he mumbled to himself and scribbled on his note pad.

I didn’t know what he saw in Nathan’s look, but the smile on Darren’s face reassured
me it was good.

“Why?” I asked for both me and Nathan, wondering what Darren saw in his reaction.

“How would you feel if Lila compared you to Andrew every day? Told you how she loves
him? The times they shared together? How he was there for her when she had no one?
How he cared for her and nurtured her?”

Nathan’s whole body tensed at his words. “I would fucking loathe it; I wouldn’t be
able to deal with it.”

“My point.”

Recognition dawned in Nathan’s eyes. Darren made Nathan start referring to Grace by
her name instead of “my wife.” He didn’t want to be harsh about it, but it came across
that way when he explained they had promised till death do we part and she was, in
fact, dead. He continued that Nathan was holding on by doing this, and it could be
hurtful to “his” Lila if it continued.

Darren moved on to Nathan’s constant companion; his fear of the Marconi. Not for him,
but for those he loved, myself included.

“I’m so fucking scared. I can’t let them hurt any of you. If Lila, or Erin and Trent,
or my parents, Alec and Brennan… I couldn’t take it. I don’t want anyone else hurt
because of me.”

Darren nodded. “This anxiety you have, I know it’s based on real threats to you, but
the problem is you are letting it rule your life and your future.”

“How can I let go knowing they’ll always be watching me? How do I let go and move
on, let Lila be anywhere near me, knowing that?” Nathan asked. I reached out and slipped
my hand in his. He gave a light squeeze.

“It’s her decision.”

Nathan’s anxiety was rising again. The whole session had been such a push and pull,
Nathan kept struggling, building walls and breaking them down at the same time and
so fast I was having trouble keeping up.

“It’s the things my dreams and nightmares are made of.”

“Why is that?” Darren asked.

“Because, they’re always of her. My dreams turn to poison. Wonderful visions, happiness,
which turns to terror.”

“We’ll work on that. It will get better, but it’s going to take some time.”

Then Dr. Morgenson’s gaze turned to me, and I felt the knots twisting in my stomach.
My turn.

“You need to voice yourself. Your opinions and feelings do matter, Lila. You need
to tell him what’s bothering you. How do you feel? How did Nathan’s pulling away affect
you? Did his actions trigger anything?”

I didn’t like that the attention had shifted to me, but what choice did I have? It
wasn’t only about me; it was about us. I braced myself, unsure of what might come
flooding out.

“What part of your past is still haunting you and won’t let you move forward?”

I froze as the words spun around in my head. My whole body tensed, and I shrank down
into the couch.

“Stop,” Nathan whispered into my ear. He was staring down at me, anger burning in
his eyes.

“The words,” I said, my eyes locked on Nathan’s. “Over and over and over. Telling
me how worthless I am. Telling me how no one will ever want me.”

“What about physically?” Darren asked.

I flinched.

“She had some sort of episode the other day.”

I turned to Nathan. “Will you tell me what happened?”

Nathan looked away, his jaw clenching in aggravation. “I can’t help but wonder how
often that happens to you when no one is around.”

“What happened to Lila?” Dr. Morgenson asked.

Nathan shook his head. “I don’t know. I came home to find Erin trying to shake her
awake. She was screaming, blocking her face from some invisible attacker.”

“What was she saying?”

I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want to know. But I knew I needed to.

“She was begging for someone to stop. ‘Please, stop, please. I won’t tell, please
stop,’” he recounted, anguish and anger in his expression, tears filling his eyes.
“I didn’t know what to do. I’d never seen her like that, so unresponsive. It was like
she was in her own world.”

Tears pricked my eyes. Without speaking I pulled Nathan’s hand to my left side and
watched his eyes widen in remembrance of the conversation we’d once had. I then passed
his hand over my forearm, near my wrist, then my hand, and finally my pinky finger
that was crooked compared to the others.

“I had a concussion, as well. They waited until I passed out to take me to the hospital
where they told the doctor that ‘clumsy Lila’ fell out in the woods onto some rocks.
I told the doctor that wasn’t right, but they said I wasn’t remembering correctly
due to the concussion. They waved it off, believing my father’s recount. The bruises
to show different didn’t form until later that day.”

I locked down my emotions; I had to if I was going to get through telling them. “I
got a few slaps for that when we got home. Two days later I started researching how
to get away. I couldn’t live with them anymore. I had to get out. I called Joan a
few days later and explained my situation. She believed me, and I was pulled from
the house the next day while the investigation took place. By then the bruises had
formed and faded a bit, but his hand prints were still visible and were entered in
as evidence.”

“What happened next?” Darren asked, pushing me further than ever before.

My hand moved around to my neck, where the deepest bruises had been. “The judge believed
us, after seeing my injuries and the pictures. When they removed me, I went to stay
with Teresa and Armando. Teresa was so kind, she worked with me. She never rushed
and she helped me to recover. She made sure I ate anywhere from three to five times
a day when the doctor said I was too underweight. I weighed a whooping eighty-seven
pounds when I moved in with them.”

My eyes were unfocused as it poured out. “I never smiled, and I shied away from Noah,
the boy with a situation similar to mine. He was the same build and hair color as
Adam. I hated that I categorized him in the same place in my mind as Adam, because
he was so nice, but he understood. We became good friends, but before that happened
he learned how to approach me, making it easier for me to distinguish the difference.
Armando…it took us some time. He had a bald spot, so he kept his hair shaved off.
Teresa got it out of me one day, and Armando stopped shaving his head that day. He
wasn’t as affectionate as Teresa, but he had his own way.”

“How long were you with them?”

“After seeing the healthy changes in me, the judge separated me from my family and
put me in the custody of Teresa and Armando. My family was not to contact me at all;
a restraining order was placed on them.”

I stared down at the floor, thinking about that time in my life, tears falling from
my eyes, when I felt Nathan’s hands on me. His strong arms pulled me into his lap
and wrapped around me, his head buried in my neck. His body shook, and I ran my hands
through his hair in an attempt to soothe him back.

“I’m not much, but I’m all yours,” Nathan said, breaking the silence. “Everything
that I am. I know I’ll fuck up, but I promise you will never feel unloved or unwanted
ever again.”

“You can’t promise that. Not after what you’ve put me through all week.” I tried not
to start bawling again, my bottom lip trembling.

His lips brushed against my neck. “Maybe not, but I will work damn hard to make it
the truth.”

We stayed in our little bubble, connecting for the first time in days, and I almost
felt…whole.

“I must say, Lila, I’m quite impressed by how much you just opened up. I’m also quite
proud because that is something you’d only hinted at in our past sessions.” Darren’s
words pulled our attention away from one another and put it back on him.

“We’re going to do a little experiment. I’m going to leave the room. Nathan, you’re
going to kiss her and show her with your body how much you worship and adore her.
And when she feels safe, you tell her something she doesn’t already know about you.
Something about Grace, or the baby, or about your fears.” Darren turned to me. “After
he’s done that, I want you think about how you feel. If it feels right, share something
with him. If it doesn’t, then show him with your body how you feel about him, and
don’t worry about your past for a few moments. He needs to know you love him.”

Nathan nodded. “I do need to know that, so much.” His tone was heartbreaking, and
I felt on the verge of a yet another crying jag.

“And, Nathan, Lila needs your reassurance and your affections.”

He left the room, and I waited, unsure of how to proceed. Was it going to be awkward
to kiss and hug under our therapist’s direction?

“Lila, I’ll say it again. I will do anything to have you trust me again.”

My breath stuck in my throat. He wasn’t doing what Darren asked. He wasn’t kissing
me or hugging me. But it was what I needed to hear before I could allow him to touch
me. What Darren didn’t know was Nathan could read me. He knew what I had to have to
feel secure in him.

“I’m beyond sorry for making you feel even the slightest bit as if I didn’t want you
this past week. It was never my intention. I got caught up inside my own head. I love
you, so much. I want to make this all work, but I’m also so scared of what could happen
to you by being with me. I don’t want it to rule my life’s decisions and feelings
any longer. I want us together; I want us happy and healthy. No more masks, just Lila
and Nathan.”

Darren may have been wrong about how he instructed Nathan, but he was absolutely right
about me. I didn’t have the words, but my mouth needed to show him what he meant to
me. So, I kissed him for all I was worth.

He responded, moaning into the kiss. The invisible wall we had put between us was
gone for the moment.

No one seemed embarrassed when Darren returned, and he didn’t ask for details. “Feel
better?”

Nathan smiled. “Much.”

“Emotionally we all feel like children at times. I have a little trick I do with families
who come to me with kids. I tell the child when they feel sick inside or hurt to say
a few simple words to their parents. Want to know what it is?”

“Yes.” I was sitting on the edge of my seat like he held the magic answer to my problems.

“I tell them to say to their parent, ‘I need lovey hugs’ and then their parent has
to give it to them no questions asked. It’s a safe zone where they can get love before
they figure out what the problem is. You can’t open up to each other if you’re scared.
Trust has to be established first.” He smiled with a kindness that made me feel reverent
and almost idolize Dr. Morgenson in that moment.

“You don’t have to use those particular words since they’re very simple and childlike,
but maybe you could find your own keywords together, to let the other person know
it’s important they drop what they’re doing and give you some physical affection.
But afterward, like with sex, you have to share something about why you needed it.
Otherwise the person who gave it will feel rejected. Make sense?”

It seemed a steep price to pay, but I was willing to try it, so I agreed.

We ended the session by talking about what we needed to tackle on our next couple’s
session. Nathan seemed calmed, relaxed. I felt a little torn; I wanted to believe
we’d made progress, but anxious and worried this wouldn’t work.

But I was willing to try.