Infinite Love (21 page)

‘Are you worrying about the IVF again?’

‘Yes,’ I whispered and dropped my eyes from his.

‘Why?’

‘What if they don’t get as many eggs and they don’t fertilise or take?’

‘Then they don’t, we still have some frozen ones to fall back on. Baby, we’re on honeymoon, we don’t need to think that far ahead. Let’s just be in the now, ok? You can catch up with your Mum, Sofia and Lexi as soon as we get to the hotel and then we can go shopping and have a lunch and a few drinks before heading back for dinner, ok?’

‘Ok,’ I smiled and reached up and ran my hand through his hair as it flickered in the breeze.

I pulled off my sarong and got up and stretched. Mus had cooked us a delicious final meal on our last night and had sprinkled rose petals everywhere, including in bed and there were tea lights burning everywhere. I smiled as I watch Gabe’s eyes travel over my body. I was in my little white crochet bikini and whilst it was dark, it was still incredibly hot. He sat in his white three quarter linen trousers and pushed his hair back off his forehead as he watched me walk down the boardwalk and dive into the cool water below us and I turned back to watch him drop his trousers and dive in after me.

I screamed as I was startled out of a peaceful slumber by a loud shriek and the bed bouncing violently.

‘You’re back, why didn’t you come and see me straightaway,’ chastised Lexi as she threw herself on top of me.

‘Jesus Christ, Lexi, you just gave me a heart attack,’ I laughed, trying to rub my eyes as she hugged me tightly. ‘Where’s Gabe?’

‘No idea, I got fed up of waiting and let myself in to see what was going on.’

‘I was fast asleep, that was what was going on. We didn’t get in from Hong Kong until four a.m.’ I replied.

‘So? You should have woken me up. Don’t I even get a hug? Your best friend in the whole world doesn’t deserve a hug?’

‘You do,’ I sighed and wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her tightly. ‘Missed me then?’

‘Yeah. I’ve been kind of lonely. I’ve not seen Sam in four weeks, Doug is always with bloody Sarah and great as Cindy and Max are, I always feel like a third wheel.’

‘You’re a third wheel with Gabe and I,’ I reminded her and she rolled off me and lay on her side and looked at me hurt. ‘A
wanted
third wheel, like a tricycle. O, you’re a Lexicycle,’ I giggled.

‘O sod off, I know when I’m not wanted.’

‘You’re always wanted, except when Gabe and I want to get hot and steamy.’

‘Well, that’s all the bloody time. Can you walk after three weeks of non-stop shagging?’

‘I had trouble after the first night on the beach and in the sea, fric.tion,’ I laughed.

‘Ewwww, TMI. So have you had an amazing time? It looks like you have. You’re so brown and you have no bags under your eyes.’

‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’

‘It is, you looked like shit before you left.’

‘Thanks,’ I laughed. ‘How about you? Other than being lonely how are you doing?’

‘Ok,’ she nodded. ‘I’ve sorted all the paperwork in your office for you, kept on top of my coursework
and
I cooked.’

‘Never?’ I exclaimed. ‘What?’

‘I reheated a pizza in the microwave,’ she nodded proudly.

‘That’s hardly “cooking” Lexi,’ I giggled. ‘That’s up there with microwaving your popcorn for lack of effort.’

‘I could’ve eaten it cold.’

‘Why was there pizza left in the first place? That’s not like you.’

‘I was sort of depressed with you not being here, so I ordered two. That was the left over couple of slices of the second one,’ she shrugged.

‘O my God, I hate you sometimes,’ I laughed and shoved her shoulder. ‘You eat nearly two large pizzas and still look like that?’

‘Yeah, I can just eat and eat and I still don’t put on weight,’ she sighed.

‘O my heart bleeds for you,’ I pouted.

‘Really?’

‘No, I want to punch you in the face,’ I deadpanned.

‘Charming.’

‘Right, I need the loo, stay there.’

‘Well, I wasn’t coming in to watch, thanks.’

‘Never know with you, Lex.’ I peeled back the duvet and padded toward the dressing room door.

‘You could have warned me you were naked,’ she gasped.

‘You’ve seen it all before.’

‘Where are your tan lines?’

‘I have none,’ I grinned over my shoulder and disappeared. When I walked back into the bedroom Lexi averted her eyes and Gabe, sitting on the edge of the bed, raised his eyebrows and a hungry look crossed his face.

‘Where are your clothes, baby? We’re not on our private island now.’

‘No, we’re in my bedroom, where I was sleeping naked, as I always do, when someone pounced on me and woke me up. Where were you?’ I asked as I pursed my lips for a kiss before hopping back under the covers.

‘Went for a run with Doug and brought you this back?’ he held out a Starbucks bag and my eyes lit up. ‘Make the most of the caffeine and sugar, it’s back to the list once you have the implant.’

‘O God,
the list
,’ I groaned.

‘What are you whining at?’ Lexi laughed. ‘Listening to you complaining about not being able to eat or drink whatever you want is far worse than going without.’

‘I have a really good feeling about this,’ I advised Gabe as we sat in Dr. Walker’s office awaiting the results of my blood tests.

‘Me too,’ he grinned. ‘I’ve been house hunting again and I’ve found a nice barn conversion in the country, it’s only a half hour drive to work. We can go and see it next week.’

‘Ermmm, excuse me? In the country?’ I uttered as I looked at him.

‘Yes.
Amazing
views.’

‘O I’m sure when I have a screaming child and need to get to the shops to pick up nappies, rash cream or baby formula I’m really going to appreciate “the views” and the hours return journey to the shops.’

‘You don’t like the idea?’

‘No, of course I do,’ I replied with a fake smile and a pat of his thigh. ‘That tone of sarcasm you just heard in my voice was totally fake.’

‘You’re serious,’ he exclaimed.

‘About not living in the country, deadly,’ I nodded.

‘I want our kids to have loads of room to run around in,’ he frowned.

‘They don’t exactly pop out of the womb with Usain Bolt’s legs Gabe, it’ll be a few years before they’re running around anywhere.’

‘I want to be prepared.’

‘Jesus, were you in scouts as a child? There’s being prepared and being prepared. You’re way too ahead of yourself.’

‘So what do you suggest? We can’t live in the apartment and nice houses with grounds aren’t easy to come by in the city.’

‘We can live in the apartment for now. The baby would sleep in our room with us, or if it gets too noisy we shut it in the closet.’ I grimaced and offered an apologetic smile as a pregnant woman sat opposite me gave me a horrified look. ‘It’s a walk through dressing room,
really large
, not a small closet,’ I reassured her.

‘Thank God, I was about to call children’s services on you,’ she laughed. ‘First baby?’

‘We hope so,’ I smiled as I put my hand over my stomach.

‘Listen to your wife, dear,’ she nodded to Gabe. ‘No first time mother wants to be isolated. She’ll need her friends around her, walking distance to shops, the doctors and parks and a short distance to the nearest hospital. First time around you panic about
everything
and knowing you can rush your baby there in an instant is very comforting.’

‘See,’ I smirked at Gabe and he rolled his eyes.

‘Fine, I’ll look for something in the city for you. It won’t be cheap.’

‘I’ll put some money in too,’ I offered and was rewarded with a disapproving scowl. Gabe still had the old fashioned attitude of needing to “provide” for me.

‘Mr. and Mrs. Austin?’ Dr. Walker put her head out of the door.

‘Good luck,’ smiled our new friend.

‘Thank you, you too with the birth,’ I replied and Gabe put his hand in the small of my back and steered me into the room and shut the door. We sat down and I felt butterflies in my stomach and Gabe reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly.

‘Right, I have your test results back and I’m afraid it’s not good news,’ she advised as she gave me an apologetic look. My heart sank and I felt a lump in my throat. I’d been so sure, so convinced that we deserved some good luck in our lives that I was devastated to hear that I wasn’t pregnant again. I felt Gabe’s hand tighten around mine and I couldn’t look at him. I felt so ashamed that I was failing him.

‘Can you give us some indication of what’s going wrong?’ he asked. There was a discernable waver to his voice, probably unrecognisable to anyone but me, and my heart broke for him. I felt full of tears, but for some reason they weren’t coming. It didn’t seem appropriate in here.

‘None I’m afraid. This is one of the worst parts of my job, being unable to explain the why of it. Sometimes you just need a bit of luck on your side.’

‘But we’ve … we’ve done everything by the book,’ he objected. ‘Healthy eating, no alcohol or caffeine, I made her rest after the implants, I’ve not let her lift anything or exercise too much, we’ve abstained from sex … I … what more could I have done?’ he asked. Dr. Walker just gave him a gentle smile and shook her head.

‘Nothing Gabe, you couldn’t have done anything more, you’ve been amazing,’ I reassured him. ‘It’s me. Maybe my body just isn’t meant to deal with this.’

‘I don’t accept that,’ he said stubbornly.

‘Sometimes women can have … an inhospitable uterus,’ advised Dr. Walker with an apologetic smile. ‘We can try again, give it a couple of months and see how you feel and we can schedule another appointment,’ she suggested and looked at us both. Gabe said nothing, so I nodded.

‘Thank you,’ I said quietly.

‘You’re welcome and I’m sorry that we didn’t have a better result for you.’

We walked to the car hand in hand in silence and Gabe helped me in. I pulled the seat belt on and automatically went to protect my stomach and sighed, knowing the worst was to come. IVF meant nothing was private, there was no hiding it from the ones closest to you, no keeping it quiet until those dreaded twelve weeks were up when people usually started making their happy announcements. We were going to have to tell Mum and Gerry, Georgie, Lexi, Cindy and Max, Robert and Sofia, Doug and Sarah and endure the awkward silences, or inappropriate “Never mind it will happen soon” comments. I’d come close to slapping Sarah when she’d said that to me the first time around. I wrapped my arms around myself as we walked around to the front door and I headed up as Gabe checked the letterbox. I crept past Lexi’s door, not wanting her to hear me. I just wanted a bit of time to process it all before dealing with everyone else. I put my bag down on the console table behind the sofa and Gabe shut the front door.

‘Coffee?’ he asked. I gave him a half smile as I shook my head, he knew how much I missed it, the caffeine withdrawal headaches I got. ‘Chocolate?’

‘No thanks.’

‘A hug?’

‘I’m ok,’ I bit my lip and shook my head.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘I think I’d just like to go and have a lie down if that’s ok?’ I started walking to the bedroom.

‘Of course it is,’ he replied to my back. ‘Mia?’

‘Yes?’ I looked back over my shoulder and he hesitated.

‘Nothing, forget it,’ he frowned and went to the kitchen. I stripped off and climbed into bed and grabbed big boy and hugged him tightly. I felt really down about the whole thing. We’d been so excited going to our appointment this morning, I should have known better. I sighed as I heard Lexi’s voice.

‘So?’

‘No,’ Gabe replied. I figured they must be standing virtually outside of the bedroom door for me to hear them.

‘O God, I’m so sorry. How is she?’

‘Weird, she’s virtually said nothing and hasn’t cried. I offered her coffee and chocolate and she said no.’

‘Did you offer to talk about it?’

‘Of course I did, I’m not totally insensitive, thank you.’

‘Sorry, just trying to help. What about a hug?’

‘You want a hug?’

‘Not me you idiot, her.’

‘I’m sure she wouldn’t mind one from you.’

‘God, are you on stupid pills this morning? Have you given her a hug?’

‘I offered and she said no.’

‘Bloody men you’re so clueless. When a woman is upset and says no to a hug that means “Ignore me, I really want one.”’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘Clearly Einstein. It’s like when you say “what would you like for your birthday?” and she says “nothing,” what she really means is “I want you to be a mind reader and surprise me with exactly what I wanted all along but was too shy to ask for.”’

‘Lexi, we don’t lie to each other, if she wanted a hug she’d have told me.’ He let out a big sigh and I screwed up my face as I listened.

‘Not telling you what she wants isn’t lying Gabe, it’s trying to be brave and putting on a front so you don’t worry about her. Get in there and hug it out and if she still needs more, because you’re some inept hugger, tell her she knows where to find me. I give great hugs.’

‘I give great hugs, thank you very much.’

‘Then stop wasting time out here with me and go and hug our girl please. I’ll be next door. Do you want me to let everyone know before they start calling and putting their foot in it?’

‘That would great. Thanks, Lex,’ he replied. I tensed up as the door opened and quickly shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep. ‘Nice try, but you’re not snoring.’

‘I don’t snore,’ I objected.

‘You do and it’s adorable. I’m coming to join you,’ he advised as I heard his zip go down and listened to him shuffle his jeans off and remove his shirt. I kept my eyes tightly shut as I felt the bed dip and suddenly big boy was pulled out of my arms.

‘Gabe,’ I sighed.

‘You don’t need him to comfort you, you need me, your husband. I’m upset too, Mia, maybe we can comfort each other?’ he asked softly. I nodded and felt his arms go around me and I burst into tears against his chest. ‘Sssshhhh, it’s going to be ok, we’ll have other times.’

‘I really thought it would happen,’ I sobbed.

‘I know, me too,’ he whispered as his lips skimmed my forehead.