Indulgence (366 page)

“Kirk,” I yelled. “Please, Kirk, help.”

Wake up; it’s a dream, why can’t I wake up.

If it’s a dream, just face the snake
.

My heart pounded so hard, I started to feel dizzy.

No escape. I dropped to my knees. The snake slithered
closer, only a few inches from the side of the tub. So, I took a deep breath
and picked it up. It was calm for an instant, but fear took over again, and as
if it smelled it, the snake whipped around in my hands.

I tried to wrestle its long body, holding just behind its
head so it couldn’t bite me.

I remembered the pain of the snake biting my back.

No more pain. Please, no more pain.

Arms surrounded me, pulling the snake free from my hands.
The snake stilled, wrapping around his arm.

“Kirk.”

His lips took mine, lifting me and pressing me into the
shower wall. I let my pain and fear flow out through the kiss, immediately
replaced by arousal and lust.

“I need you.” I rubbed against him and he lifted my legs.
I twisted them behind his back.

His hard cock pressed at my entrance, a slow taunting
promise of what was to come.

I woke from the dream with a gasp. The room was still dark,
so I buried my face in the pillow and tried to slow my breath. I was still so
hyped up on the dream; I could feel the moisture between my legs.

“Silver.”

I held my breath when Kirk whispered my name, and felt him
roll toward me. I’d been sleeping in his bed for the last three nights, three
long nights of intermittent sleep thanks to the pain in my back and crazy
dreams. He hadn’t touched me except for the first night when I’d rolled onto my
sore back and woke up crying in pain.

“Crazy dream,” I whispered and rolled to face away from him.

Even during the day, he had been giving me room to heal, but
it wasn’t the same remote distance as before. Now, even when he sat across the
room, I could feel him watching like he was trying to absorb every move and
draw the pain away.

“You need anything?”

For the pull in my stomach to go away. I pressed my legs
together, yearning for a release I couldn’t have.

Unless I could find a few minutes alone to scrub it away.

“Silver,” he repeated when I didn’t answer. His hand felt my
hair, making the feeling unbearable.

“I’m fine.”

He grunted, but didn’t roll away as I had hoped.

The thought of giving in and letting him take care of the
problem crossed my mind. He’d done it before and obviously had no problem with
it.

I squeezed my eyes closed.

Sleep. I needed sleep.

I was just tripping on the effects of the dream and letting
it play with my emotions.

Of course, returning to the source of the problem could also
make it worse, I realized, but that was my last thought before waking again to
the smell of food.

For the last two mornings, I hadn’t woken until after he’d
already eaten and decided to bring my breakfast into the bedroom so I could eat
as comfortably as possible.

The skin on my back still felt tight, but the worst of the
burning pain was gone, leaving only the deep soreness from the bruising. I’d
gone from one crashing change to yet again having everything I expected flipped
upside down. I’d seen his dark side and survived—even though he didn’t seem to
enjoy the punishment any more than I did.

He had it in him to make sure I did as he wanted, but while
I was in pain, he was gentle and attentive. It was still nearly impossible to
understand anything that might be going through his mind, but he’d softened. I
accepted that it might only last until he was sure touching me wouldn’t send me
into a fit of agony.

I rolled over and Kirk’s smell caught in my nose,
reawakening the imagery from the dream. I couldn’t go on like this. Teetering
on insanity. Holding on to one life and a distant set of convictions while
living here.

I had yet to accept never being free again. But there would
be a certain level of freedom in submitting to Kirk.

I either had to do that or get back the brooding and remote
Kirk. I wasn’t sure which situation was worse, but every time he did something
nice another piece of my willpower slipped away.

Before long, I wouldn’t have a choice in the matter.

I had to take control of something while I still could.

I looked at the clock, it was still early and Kirk had
probably just sat down to his own breakfast.

If I waited in bed long enough, he’d bring my plate in and
let me eat in bed again, but after the dream, I felt restless. I wasn’t too
sure that I wanted to see Kirk, but I definitely didn’t want to lie in bed and
think about him either.

I crept out of the bedroom and found Kirk sitting at the
table eating. “You’re up early,” he said, sitting back in his chair.

I kept my eyes lowered as I walked toward him and dropped to
my knees at his side. He made a pleased sound in his throat and cupped my cheek
as he handed me a piece of bacon. I carefully took it from his fingers then
laid my head against his thigh as he stroked my hair.

“Come up here,” he said, patting his leg. I slowly crawled
up, my back aching and burning with every move.

He proceeded to feed me, bite by bite, the rest of the food
on his plate. As I tried to take a bite of the scrambled eggs, before they
rolled off the fork, he chuckled. It was a tense chuckle, but at least he
wasn’t still completely pissed at me.

“You’re enjoying this.”

“Shouldn’t I?

I nudged his neck with my nose and ran my fingers down his
chest. He caught my hand and lifted me to my feet.

I shook my head—emotionally and physically thrown off
balance. “I’m trying to be what you want me to be.”

“Why?” he whispered, sitting back.

“Because it’s the only thing I can do. I need you to protect
me, and….” And, I still wasn’t being completely honest. My body still wanted
him.

“And you’ll trade your body and will for that?”

“Isn’t that what you’ve wanted all along?”

He watched me through narrowed eyes. “You’re a schemer.”

“We both have reasons not to trust each other, but every
time I try, you shut me down and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” I
stepped back, pulling my robe tighter. “If you really don’t want me, just give
me to someone else.”

“No.” He growled, knocking his chair backward as he stood.
He ran a hand through my hair and stepped forward until his body was against
me. “You’re mine and you’re not going anywhere.”

“Fine, then introduce me to your other personalities. Maybe
then, I’ll know how to deal with them all.”

He pushed me into the refrigerator. The cold surface stung
the healing welts on my back. He paused for a second when I winced then his
lips smashed against mine.

He pulled back when we were both breathless. “You’re really
willing for me to pass you off?”

“Despite all claims otherwise, you care. You don’t want me
to be killed, so even if you did, I figure you wouldn’t give me to anyone
horribly nasty.”

Kirk cocked an eyebrow, “You don’t really want to do this.”

“I want…” I took a breath, his woodsy scent claiming my
rationale and words. “I don’t want to hurt anymore. If sex can prevent that,
I’ll do what you want.”

“How bad does your back hurt?”

I shrugged, “I hurt. All of me hurts and it’s not just from
the beating.”

“You’re lonely.”

“So are you,” I countered, matching his conviction.

“This isn’t about a relationship.”

I scoffed. “I wasn’t ignorant of that memo.” I bit my lip
and looked down. “I have to do something. You told me to stop considering
impossible situations, so I’m taking advantage of the current one.”

“You’re taking advantage?” he drawled. “And when I hand you
off to the others? To Ross?”

My conviction wavered. “I’ll do what you want—”

“If I give you what you need,” he finished.

He pressed me into the refrigerator again and pulled away my
robe sash, slipping his hands inside. His fingers brushed against my sides then
pulled my hips against him while his knee slid between my legs.

I giggled and he pulled back.

“What are you laughing about?”

“I think I just figured part of you out.”

His face darkened, and I hoped I hadn’t just busted my chance
at avoiding his temper.

“The only time I really get a rise out of you is when I
stand my ground.”

The way he pressed his lips together I couldn’t tell if he
was hiding a smile, or if I had just hit a raw nerve. “Standing your ground is
dangerous.”

“You’re the only person here, and it seems like the only
thing I’m in danger of at the moment is—”

He kissed me so hard the words whirled around in my head and
shattered. “Quiet, Silver.”

He held me against himself, pulled me away from the
refrigerator and walked me backward to the couch. He pushed the robe off my
shoulders, his hot hips brushing against my cool, freshly-exposed skin.

“You’re strong,” he whispered into my neck. He nipped my
skin and I arched against him. “Hold onto it, but be careful about who you let
see it.”

The back of my calf bumped the couch and Kirk let the robe
fall away. He removed his shirt then pushed me across the couch. After dropping
his pants, he rested his knee between my legs and leaned over me, taking a
nipple in his mouth and rolling it with his tongue.

Then, he captured my mouth—his tongue pressing against mine.
He sucked and nipped until I had to gasp for air.

I was still worked up from the dream, and he didn’t have to
do much work to have me yearning to go. His fingers slid through my folds and
he raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything.

He adjusted and lifted my hips as he slid inside me,
pressing his thumb to my clit as he slowly filled me.

It shouldn’t be like this
, I thought. I felt guiltier
for enjoying it than agreeing to it. I matched his thrusts, pushing upward so
that each stroke pushed me deeper into pleasure.

Someone knocked on the front door and Kirk dropped against
me, panting in my ear. He pressed himself up with a grunt, “Can it wait?”

“No,” a deep voice answered.

Kirk sat back and rubbed a hand over his face. He wouldn’t
look at me as he shoved his legs into his pants and stalked across the room.

I heard whispered voices and then approaching footsteps.
“Get dressed,” Kirk said.

I sat up and looked over to see Miles. His eyes raked over
my nudity and I froze for a second.

Dressed
, I repeated to myself, resolved not do
disappoint Kirk again. But, I had no idea what he expected me to put on. I
stood and nodded, ducking into the bedroom.

I looked at the pile of clothes I had near my bed and rubbed
my hands over my face, the full impact of what I’d just been doing fell on my
gut. I felt physically off balance as my emotions engaged in a hopeless battle.

There was no winning. No way out. No way back to who I used
to be.

Kirk stepped in and put a hand on the small of my back and
directed me toward the dresser. He pulled out a pair of jeans and a tank
top—both my size, at least, the size I’d been when I arrived.

I frowned at him. Somehow excess clothes seemed especially
suspicious. Sitting against the dresser, I stared at the clothes in my hands.
“I’m horny, frustrated, and confused. Can you go back to being distant and
horrible?”

His eyes drifted over me as if he wanted to help me but had
no idea how. “I thought you didn’t want to be miserable anymore.”

“No matter what, I keep sinking. I can either take a final
gulp of water and drown or sprout gills and never go back. I’m not good at
letting go.”

“Then, what was that out there?” Kirk’s forehead crinkled
and he leaned against me, placing a hand on the dresser on either side of me,
and I drew back.

“I—” I knew there was a risk of pissing him off if I told
him the truth, but I let it roll out anyway, “I wanted the choice to be mine.
You could force me to change, this place could force me to change, but I don’t
want to lose every part of my autonomy.”

He stared at me, the look in his eyes unchanging, and I
waited for his anger or at least annoyance, but he leaned back and his face
softened.

“You’re not mad?”

He shook his head and waved at the clothes. “Get dressed, I
have to tend to some things and you’re coming along.”

I pulled on the clothes and flipped my hair over my
shoulders. Kirk grabbed a belt loop and tugged me closer. “I can respect that
you still want control, but if you do anything to test me or a reason not to
trust you, you’ll regret it.”

The pacing footsteps in the living room indicated Miles was
getting restless waiting on us. “I know you want to finish your fuck, Kirk,” he
yelled, “but can we get this over with? Alan is waiting in the security room.”

Kirk grabbed my hand and led me to the living room. After so
long, it felt strange to be so covered, I wondered what kind of business a
crime leader would take his sex slave to.

But wondering about his intentions would get me nowhere
except trouble, so I didn’t dare ask about it.

“You sure you want to bring her,” Miles asked, pointing to
me as if I wasn’t there.

“Yes, as if you haven’t toted Alley around a hundred times.”

“Alley didn’t just try to run.”

“Not recently, but Alley caused her own fair share of
trouble once,” Kirk said, “I’ve heard plenty of stories about her first few
weeks here.”

Miles shook his head. “That’s the very reason I don’t take
to the new ones.” He gave me a glare then headed out the door.

Kirk gave my arm a tug and I followed the two of them down
the hallway to the elevator and down to the lobby of the building. They led me
down a hallway until, I recognized where we were. Kirk pushed open the door and
we stood on the catwalk above the room where I had woken up.