Indulgence (213 page)

I felt Matt staring at me so I turned my head towards him,
tensed for his reaction. When I finally looked at his face, I saw what utter
shock must look like. His mouth hung open, his eyes were blank, and the color
had receded from his cheeks. I couldn’t believe I had chosen my words so
poorly!

“No, no, no, not
that
kind of midlife crisis! I have
no need for a younger boyfriend.” I should have seen this reaction coming when
I had blurted out the stupid comment in the first place. It hadn’t been my
intention to hurt Matt. My mood, what I was feeling, had nothing to do with him
or our relationship.

A smile spread across Matt’s lips when he heard my
clarification. “I know what this is all about. You wanna buy that sports car
you always wanted and are using this as an excuse, aren’t you?” That was my
Matt, always up for buying another toy to add to our collection.

I chuckled uncomfortably hoping Matt would take this
seriously. “Well the Corvette would be very nice, but no, I’m not ready for it
yet, and neither is the overstuffed garage. I’m in a midlife crisis over my
career.”

“Oh.” Matt paused. “That’s it?” He crinkled his nose.

“That’s it? What do you mean that’s it?” I shouted. “Can’t
you see I’m trying to tell you something important and you’re just going to
stand there and make a joke of it?” This was one of those times when I could
have really used my mother. She would sit and listen and when I was done
complaining would have some wise advice to give me. She would know how to
handle this situation and wouldn’t make light of it.

“I’m sorry. It’s just when you first said
midlife crisis
this isn’t exactly what I expected.”

Silence fell between us. I returned my eyes to the outdoor
scenery. I wasn’t going to be the next to speak and Matt must have realized
this.

“So what’s up with your job?”

I whirled around, ready for an argument, but Matt’s eyes
about made my heart melt. He was so handsome – tall with dark brown hair and a
complexion that tanned with minimal sun exposure. It was a stark contrast to my
blonde hair and pale skin that agitated with the slightest bit of sun.

I sighed. “Well, you know I’ve been having a tough time with
the recent acquisition of my company. When it was Erie Bank, I was doing a nice
job of working myself up the corporate ladder. I had been there over eight
years, had a good reputation among my peers and was appointed Vice President
when I was still in my twenties, which was practically unheard of. I knew I
would be running a division sometime soon, that I’d be moving up. But now with
this new company, I’ve been knocked down a few rungs on that ladder and since
the headquarters aren’t here anymore, well, I have limited promotional
opportunities.” I felt tears welling up again and the last thing I wanted to do
was cry over my job.

“Ali, you’re smart. If you aren’t happy, find something
else. I know you can do it.”

“But see, that’s the thing. This is Cleveland. There aren’t
many big companies here anymore and there aren’t many places willing to match
my salary. It’s an employer’s market right now and they want new hires as cheap
as they can get them and there are plenty enough unemployed people who will
take a job for less than what I make now. And for some reason, you don’t want to
move out of Ohio to a place where I could easily find another job. You know my
salary needs to stay where it is so we can continue our lifestyle since you
took a big pay cut this year.” Guilt set in with my last comment. The remark
was not meant to be hurtful, but it was reality.

“Matt, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“No, you’re right,” Matt said. “I did take a hefty pay cut
and we can’t afford another. But you know what?”

“What?”

“Remember the old adage – watch what you wish for?”

I looked at him, shocked by his response and didn’t really
know where he was going with all of this.

“Wait, what?” I asked. “I tell you that I feel trapped in a
job and a city so we can maintain our lifestyle and you respond with ‘watch
what you wish for?’”

“Remember when we first met? The game you played? You always
wanted to catch up to my salary. And now look; you’re the breadwinner! It’s not
that fun is it, having that pressure on you?” Matt was playful in his tone,
trying to cheer me up. It wasn’t working.

I snorted. “Yeah, right, watch what you wish for. Whatever.”

“Exactly,” Matt playfully added.

“It’s not just the job, Matt. When I graduated college, I
was so full of hope and ambition; I had dreams. I knew I was going to run a
Fortune 500 company someday, or open my own business. I was going to be
something special.”

“Ah, there’s that word. Is this about your parents? About
how they used to tell you all the time that you were going to be something
special?”

“Yeah, sort of. It wasn’t just how often they told me, it
was the conviction with which they said it, like they knew I was going to be
something great. I guess after hearing that so often I thought I was going to
do something more than work at a job I hate because it provides the life we
want.”

“Ali, would you look at what you have and where you have
gone in your career? You
have
done something special! We have a
beautiful house, food on the table, motorcycles…” he drifted off. “And for what
it’s worth, you have me.”

My heart sank. “Matt, this isn’t about you. You haven’t done
anything to make me feel this way. This is all about me. I feel trapped in my
job, trapped in this city, trapped by this crappy economy, but not trapped by
you.”

“Good,” he said. “Because you’re stuck with me!”

This conversation didn’t make me feel better. I thought
sharing my discovery with Matt would lift my spirits but that didn’t happen. I
wanted to hear that everything would be okay and I’d find what I was looking
for and that he would help me in that search. But even if I heard it, I doubted
I would have felt any better.

“There’s more,” I said sheepishly.

Matt chuckled. “Let’s hear it. I think I can handle it.”

“Well, this whole thing I just told you about is difficult
for me to handle because I’ve always felt that I would be something more.”

“Isn’t that what we were just talking about?”

“No, this is different. Ever since I was very young, I felt
that I was destined for something. It was more than a simple fascination that I
would be famous or rich. It truly was…is…something inside of me, an actual
burning in my belly, telling me there’s something else out there for me. But I
don’t know what that something is. I don’t know how to seek it out. But this
craving is there and won’t leave me alone. I think if I could just figure out
my life’s calling, then maybe, just maybe, these damned ailments would go
away.”

Matt paused and looked at me. “You know what they say?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I rolled my eyes, “Watch what you wish for.”

“No, the grass is always greener until you get to the other
side.”

“Very funny,” I snickered. “Who is this ‘they’ I always hear
about?”

“Well maybe I snapped your mood.” Almost as soon as Matt
spoke those words, my aura dampened.

Everything I had said to Matt was true. But based on his
reaction, my words failed to relay the depth to which I wholeheartedly knew
something was out there calling me. This burning in the pit of my being, or
maybe in my soul or subconscious, knew something it couldn’t relay to my
conscious mind. And there was nothing more frustrating.

“Or maybe, not,” Matt said taking in my grumpy demeanor.
“How about a motorcycle ride? That’ll cheer you up.”

“Have you looked outside? It’s going to rain.”

Matt ducked his head to look out the window. Black, billowy
clouds had swallowed the gray sky.

“Okay then. Well, since I have to work, maybe you should
call Jenna and hang out with her. You know, a girl’s night like you two always
used to do.”

“No.” I immediately dismissed the idea. I didn’t need to
burden Jenna with my problems, which was precisely what would happen since I
couldn’t shake this funk. She didn’t need me to bring her down. Matt sensed the
determinedness in my answer and didn’t bother to convince me otherwise. He
examined my face as he searched for his next words.

“Well, relax and take a bubble bath and try to cheer up. Remember,
we have a party to go to tomorrow and you need to shake this mood, you know, so
you don’t ruin the whole thing for everyone else!”

I knew he was joking about ruining everyone’s time, but he
was right. I needed to get my mind straight, but it was hard telling it that
when the rest of my body was telling me something else.

Matt kissed me on the lips and bounded across the living
room through the foyer and up the stairs. “I got called into work early,” he
shouted. “I have to get ready.”

I walked to the sliding glass door and looked at the woods,
then at the black heavens. A lightning bolt cracked across the sky and the rain
fell.

I wanted to cry. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to ignore
the fact that it was four o’clock in the morning and I had barely slept a wink.
Having tossed and turned for the past six hours, I was now trying to empty my
mind of any thoughts about my magical garden, hoping that would be enough to
finally let me sleep. But when I opened my eyes again, the clock had only moved
two minutes. All I wanted was some shut-eye but it was eluding me. When I was a
child, my parents would pray with me before I went to bed and it always seemed
to help. I shut my eyes again and whispered several Hail Mary’s, hoping the
repetition would make me sleepy without waking Matt. That didn’t work either.
So I lay in bed, watching one minute tick to the next before I finally realized
I was drenched in sweat.

I quietly slid out of bed and searched the floor for my
pajamas. I had stripped them off several hours earlier to escape the heat they
were trapping close to my body. I found them, but there was no use in putting
them on now so I balled them up and carefully made my way through the dark and
into the bathroom. I flipped on the light and the sudden brightness blinded me
as my eyes filled with speckled blackness. As my reflection slowly came into
focus, I was pleasantly surprised by what was staring back at me in the mirror.

For getting no sleep, I looked well rested. My skin was
smooth, my complexion even, almost radiant, with not a single visible pore. I
expected dark circles under my eyes, but there were none. I usually needed
foundation for my skin to look so clear. I tugged at my skin in disbelief. It
was soft but hot to the touch. Other than my sweat soaked hair, I looked pretty
good.

I ran my fingers through my short blonde strands, wrestling
with the prior day’s hair products. My eyes suddenly caught my attention.
Normally a sharp blue gray, they now looked like dull charcoal except for the
gold flecks around my pupils that popped with intensity. I shook my head to get
any cobwebs out but the tiny teardrop shapes were still there lighting up my
otherwise faded eyes.
Harsh vanity lighting at four a.m. sure does weird
things
, I thought.

I scanned the bathroom trying to decide what to do with my
time. My eyes settled on the closet doors and the work out gear I knew was
behind them. If I was up this early, I might as well make the most of it.

I changed into shorts and a t-shirt, tossing aside the nylon
running pants that would have been too warm. I clipped my bangs back and
tiptoed out of the bathroom, down the stairs to the first level, then to the
basement. I didn’t know who I thought I was kidding; I wasn’t looking forward
to exercising. I wished I was more like Matt in this regard; he enjoyed working
out and the benefits were quite obvious. I took one look at the equipment and
without hesitation started to march back upstairs.

I turned on the television and flipped to a news channel. A
pretty blonde reporter in Cocoa Beach, Florida stood in front of a small house
cordoned off with caution tape. She was reporting about an attack on the family
that had lived there. The parents, three children and one grandparent had been
killed for reasons still under investigation. There had been no forced entry
and nothing had been stolen. Neighbors were interviewed and they talked about a
well-liked family that apparently kept to themselves and had no known enemies.
The coroner said a cause of death would be released after full autopsies but
leaked references indicated a gruesome crime scene; the victims had been
drained of most of their blood. The screen panned back to neighbors who claimed
they had heard nothing despite the fact the homes were built close together.
This wasn’t exactly an uplifting story so I turned off the television and
walked back to the kitchen.

Peering out the blinds, all I could see was blackness and a
hazy yellow moon that hung close to the treetops. Not a single cloud was in the
sky, making every star visible. I had never noticed the sheer number of stars
as I did this morning. It looked like a painter had carelessly speckled white
paint over a giant black ceiling.

I made a cup of tea and stepped outside to better inspect
the stars. The cool air caressed my hot flesh, and I breathed a sigh of relief;
it was beyond refreshing. I stood on the patio for several minutes staring at
the sky. It was so quiet and peaceful that I didn’t even notice the woods.

I settled into the hammock and lay there finding shapes in
stars. I located the Little Dipper, Aries and part of the Orion constellation.
I also found shapes of my own – a unicorn, a pirate ship and a bicycle. There
were so many stars to examine that the options for my imagination were endless.
I could stay here all night
, I thought. But something disturbed my
peaceful rendezvous, something at the edge of the woods. I rolled my head to
see what it was, but all I caught was a fleeting glimpse of two silvery dots as
they faded into the darkness. It was too late in the year for fireflies but
before I could think about it, I had drifted off to sleep.