Indelible Love - Emily's Story (22 page)

“Right here on the ranch. We’ll stay
here then take a mule ride first thing in the morning up to the
Skywalk.”

“Why are you there with him? Never
mind. You don’t need to answer that.”

“I love you, Jake, and I miss you.
I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”

“All right. I’ll see you then. Sleep
well.”

“Good night.”

“I love you, Jake and I miss you.” Max
imitated my last line. “When did you become so corny?”

“What do you mean? I’ve always been
like this. There wasn’t a day that passed without me telling you
how much I loved you.”

“Maybe you did, but it was never that
lovey-dovey.”

“Whatever. Where are we sleeping?
Let’s go get some rest if we’re leaving at the crack of
dawn.”

Max bought me a toothbrush, soap, and
a small towel and took me to my cabin. It was a good-sized room
filled with bunk beds. It was like summer camp in junior high all
over again. I slowly walked to my bed and sat there feeling fearful
about being alone in this room. Max read me immediately.

“You need me to stay here with
you?”

“Would you?” My outlook brightened as
the prospect of having a roommate. Perhaps the fact that he was my
ex should have stopped me from wanting him in the same room with me
but fear got the best of me.

“OK. I’ll take the bunk next to you if
you’re sleeping here. You know I’ll get kicked out if someone finds
me here. And by the way, what will Jake think if he knew I was
sleeping in the same room with you?”

“Trust me, this is exactly
what Jake’s worrying about. It wouldn’t surprise me if he got a
helicopter to land right outside tonight and took me home.”
Jake, I’m really sorry but it scares me to death
to sleep in this place by myself. I hope you’ll
understand.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t
have gone to bed at 9:00 but there wasn’t much else to do. Max and
I chatted for a while, then tossed and turned for another hour till
we decided to talk again. Our talk turned a lot more serious than
it had been all day. The serious Max from our lunch in Santa Monica
slowly reemerged.

“Em?”

“Huh?”

“
Does it bother you that
I still call you Em? Should I stop?”

“No. Why would it? That was your name
for me. It’d be weird if you called me anything else.”

“Doesn’t it take away from Jake
creating a nickname for you?”

“Funny thing, he’s always called me
Emi. Instinctively, he’s never called me Em, so that’s your name
forever if you like.”

“You seem to be in love again. Will
you tell me about you and Jake?”

“I’ll tell you if you’ll answer one
question for me.”

“What’s that?”

I didn’t know if I was ready to hear
this story, but it had been a nagging question the past year and a
half. “Why did you break up with me? Did I do something wrong in
the end? Did you get tired of me?” Tears began streaming down my
face.

“Em, how can you ask that?” He placed
his hand on my cheek and wiped away my tear. “I loved you more than
life. Breaking up with you was the hardest decision I’d ever
made.”

“Then why did you break up with me?
You were my love, my life, my only family. You broke all of that
up.”

“Em…” he began to say, “I don’t quite
know where to begin with this explanation. Graduation day was
probably the darkest day of my life. I didn’t mean to break up with
you but everything went wrong.” He rambled incoherently about
things that happened that day and all I could give him was a
confused stare.

“OK, let me try to start from the
beginning. I started the day thinking that I was going to surprise
you and propose after graduation.”

So he was going to
propose
.

“I was truly excited about our future.
I ran around making sure that all details were set, staying away
from you all day knowing I couldn’t keep my surprise a secret from
you. After the ceremony was over, we were going to go to a nice
dinner and a proposal was to happen during dessert. It was all
perfectly planned out.” He let out a breath and then stalled for a
few nerve-wracking minutes.

“What I didn’t factor in was the
graduation speech we listened to that afternoon. Do you remember
it?”

“No. I don’t remember much about that
day but the end,” I said sadly.

“Well, it was a speech about going out
into the world after graduation and making something of yourself.
During this speech, our so-called future plagued me. There was no
job prospect, no plans for more schooling. All I was sure about was
my love for you. But then flashbacks of you working so many hours
to support yourself and your undertakings to establish a stable
life came to mind. Your life had been nothing but struggle the last
ten years, and my uncertainty would only add to this struggle. This
made me think that we really didn’t have a future until I could get
my act together. I didn’t think it was fair to keep you with me if
I wasn’t going anywhere.”

“Did you ever think to consult me
about my feelings rather than break my heart? Didn’t you know how
much I loved you and how your actions would devastate
me?”

“I should have done that. I was stupid
for not discussing our future together. To this day, I regret not
having worked this through with you. We’d probably be engaged,
maybe even married by now if I hadn’t let pressure get to
me.”

“Did you feel that much pressure to
figure out what you wanted to do? How come you never told me how
stressed you were about your future? You always appeared so
relaxed.”

“Pressure mounted when I thought of it
as our future. What if I never figured out what I wanted to do?
What if I worked some nine-to-five job I hated? What if I couldn’t
support you or a family? I had so many doubts in my head, I kind of
went crazy. During the entire ceremony, I wrestled with questions
that had no answers.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me?” I asked,
quite frustrated.

“Knowing the pain you’d been through
with the loss of your parents, I thought you should be with someone
who could provide a stable and secure future for you—emotionally
and financially. I didn’t ever want you to suffer again. I didn’t
know it back then, but maybe that someone is Jake. That’s when I
decided to let you go on with your life, and I went on to figure
out what to do with the rest of mine. You have to believe me when I
say letting go of you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You
were my world. I truly love you more than my own life,” he declared
sadly.

Odd that he used the word love in the
present tense. It was probably a grammatical error.

“OK, assuming I believe everything you
just told me, why Jennifer? Our breakup was hard enough without
having to hear about you and another girl so soon. Did our four
years mean that little to you where you could move on so easily and
so quickly? Was I just some girl you had fun with and then tossed
by the wayside?”

“No, Em. I’m sorry you believed that.
If breaking up with you was my biggest mistake, getting together
with Jennifer was my second-biggest mistake.” Max gently caressed
my head and wiped away more of my tears. “Has Jake seen you this
weepy or have you not had any reason to cry in front of him?” This
question carried a heavy tone of regret. He knew I had shed far too
many tears over him.

“We weren’t supposed to be apart this
long. Once I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, I was
planning to beg you to take me back. This—our separation, Jennifer,
Jake—none of it was supposed to happen.” Regret, anger, frustration
soared to a loud crescendo. “Remember how I told you I was in a car
accident? Well, after our breakup, I was so upset I purposely
crashed my car into a wall. I really didn’t want to go on with my
life without you. It was during my rehab sessions where I met
Jennifer. She was kind to me, and she filled your void. I know. It
was stupid and I feel terrible for having hurt you both for my
indiscretion.”

My body agonized at the thought of Max
being so hurt. I wished I could’ve known. I would’ve been there for
him. This sympathy didn’t last once I envisioned him purposely
driving a car into a wall.

“What were you thinking crashing your
car? You could’ve died. That would’ve sent me to my grave as well.”
If there was ever a doubt, Max understood tonight how much he was
loved.

“You know, I came by your apartment
every night after we broke up. I sat outside staring at your window
till you fell asleep. More than anything I wanted to get back
together with you.”

“What stopped you?”

Max hesitated…”My family.”

“Your family? Did they not like
me?”

“No, they liked you very much but they
wanted me to focus on my future and not spend so much time focused
on a girlfriend. They didn’t empathize with my feelings of wanting
to make you my wife one day.”

Max’s confessions about wanting to
make me his bride made my heart ache. I’d had no greater wish than
to be Max’s wife.

“Thank you for your explanation, Max.
I think I understand now. I needed to believe that you loved me
during those years. Our four years will always be a beautiful
memory for me.”

“I should be the one thanking you. You
were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’m sorry I was
such an inattentive boyfriend. Jake is good for you. I hope he will
be for you what I should have been all those years.” With that he
kissed my forehead and we turned to our private thoughts away from
one another.

For the first time, I felt at peace
with our breakup. All my questions were answered and doubts erased.
Wonderful memories of Max could live deep within my
heart.

Bright and very early the next
morning, we got back on the mule and headed up the canyon. Max’s
solemn mood kept me quiet for most of the ride. I hated that we
were back to our awkwardness. Yesterday was so much fun for both of
us. After three hours, we finally arrived at the
Skywalk.

In awe, but terrified of the glass
walkway, I grabbed on to Max’s arms. It felt like we were walking
on air. This free-fall feeling kept me from looking over the glass
to glance into the canyon. Knowing my fears, Max stood behind me
and pretended to push me, and I jumped into his arms.

“Stop scaring me! You know this is
freaking me out right now.”

Max couldn’t stop laughing. “I’m right
behind you. I’ll make sure you don’t fall off,” he reassured me
while his arms encircled me. “By the way, are you cold? You want my
jacket?”

“No, I’m OK.” While I appreciated his
concern, something about it made me feel uncomfortable.

Max turned me around so my back was
against the canyon and his face turned serious again. I peeked over
his shoulder looking for Jake. It was sometime past 8:00, and I was
hoping he would arrive soon. I wanted him to experience this
Skywalk with me.

“Em, I’ve had your graduation present
here in my pocket every day since we broke up. Do you think I can
give it to you right now?”

His random statement put me at a loss
for words.

That same Tiffany blue jewelry pouch
that fell on my bedroom floor the night of the Christmas Ball
produced a beautiful engagement ring. I gave him a blank
stare.

“What is this? Is this an engagement
ring for Jennifer?” Perhaps Max was going to propose to Jennifer,
but got cold feet. “Why do you still have it? Why haven’t you given
it to her?”

“Em. It’s your engagement ring. I’ve
had it since graduation.”

“What do you mean this is my
engagement ring?” Sometimes, I got things so wrong. A wave of
nausea rolled through my body as I worked to understand this
situation.

Suddenly he got down on one knee and
held my hand. “Em, I love you. You have been always been the most
important person since the day I met you and I want you to complete
my life now. Will you marry me?”

Shocked.

Horrified.

Angry.

Confused.

These emotions engulfed my
being.

“Max…why are you doing this to me now?
We’ve been separated for two years. Why did you have to wait so
long? I was so in love with you. Why are you trying to hurt me
again? Was it not enough you hurt me the first time?”

“I know, Em, and I’m so sorry for
hurting you. I wish I could take back that night, but I can’t. I
just want to make things right.”

“Em?” His voice was so sweet, I
couldn’t help but gaze at him. “Do you still love me?”

“
I love Jake. He’s the one
I want to marry,” I tried to convince Max.

“I know you turned down his proposal.
You might love Jake, but it can’t be as strong as what we had. You
don’t have to answer right away. It took me this long to ask you to
spend the rest of your life with me; I don’t expect you to give in
easily. Please consider it. Give me a reason to hope that there’s
still a part of you that loves me. This part could grow, and we
could get back to where we were in college. It’s going to take
effort and hard work on my part. I am confident now that I can make
this effort. I can’t live without you any longer, Em. I love you
and would be honored if you would be my bride.”