In Persuasion Nation (12 page)

This left only animal
93555 of the 100 mg/kg/day dose group and animal 93990, the
diminutive male of the highest dose group. 93555 exhibited nearly all
of the aforementioned symptoms, along with, toward the end of Day 5,
several episodes during which it inflicted scratches and contusions
on its own neck and face by attempting to spasmodically reach for
something beyond the enclosure. This animal also manifested several
episodes of quick spinning. Several of these quick-spinning episodes
culminated in sudden hard falling. In two cases, the sudden hard fall
was seen to result in tooth loss. In one of the cases of tooth loss,
the animal was seen to exhibit the suite of aggressive behaviors
earlier exhibited toward the hair bundles. In addition, in this case,
the animal, after a prolonged period of snarling at its tooth, was
observed to attack and ingest its own tooth. It was judged that, if
these behaviors continued into Day 6, for humanitarian reasons, the
animal would be sacrificed, but just after 2300 hrs, the animal
discontinued these behaviors and only sat listlessly in its own stool
with occasional writhing and therefore was not sacrificed due to this
improvement in its condition.

By 1200 hrs of Day 5,
the diminutive male 93990 still exhibited no symptoms. He was
observed to be sitting in the SE corner of the enclosure, staring
fixedly at the cage door. This condition was at first mistaken to be
indicative of early catatonia but when a metal pole was inserted and
a poke attempted, the animal responded by lurching away with
shrieking, which was judged normal. It was also noted that 93990
occasionally seemed to be staring at and/or gesturing to the low-dose
enclosure, i.e., the enclosure in which 93555 was still sitting
listlessly in its own stool occasionally writhing. By the end of Day
5, 93990 still manifested no symptoms and in fact was observed to
heartily eat the proffered food and weighing at midday Day 6
confirmed further weight gain. Also it climbed the rope. Also at
times it seemed to implore. This imploring was judged to be,
possibly, a mild hallucinogenic effect. This imploring resulted in
involuntary laughter on the part of the handlers, which resulted in
the animal discontinuing the imploring behavior and retreating to the
NW corner where it sat for quite some time with its back to the
handlers. It was decided that, in the future, handlers would refrain
from laughing at the imploring, so as to be able to obtain a more
objective idea of the duration of the (unimpeded) imploring.

Following dosing on the
morning of Day 6, the last remaining low-dose animal (93555), the
animal that earlier had attacked and ingested its own tooth, then sat
for quite some time writhing in its own stool listlessly, succumbed,
after an episode that included, in addition to many of the
aforementioned symptoms, tearing at its own eyes and flesh and,
finally, quiet heaving breathing while squatting. This animal,
following a limited episode of eyes rolling back in its head, entered
the moribund state, succumbed, and was necropsied. Cause of death was
seen to be renal failure. As 93555 was removed from the enclosure,
93990 was seen to sit quietly, then retreat to the rear of the
enclosure, that is, the portion of the enclosure farthest from the
door, where it squatted on its haunches. Soon it was observed to rise
and move toward its food bowl and eat heartily while continuing to
look at the door.

Following dosing on Day
7, animal 93990, now the sole remaining animal, continued to show no
symptoms and ate and drank vigorously.

Following dosing on Day
8, likewise, this animal continued to show no symptoms and ate and
drank vigorously.

On Day 9, it was
decided to test the effects of extremely high doses of Borazadine by
doubling the dosage, to 20,000 mg/kg/day. This increased dosage was
administered intravenously on the morning of Day 9. No acute effects
were seen. The animal continued to move around its cage and ear and
drink normally. It was observed to continue to stare at the door of
the cage and occasionally at the other, now-empty, enclosures. Also
the rope-climbing did not decrease. A brief episode of imploring was
observed. No laughter on the part of the handlers occurred, and the
unimpeded imploring was seen to continue for approximately 130
seconds. When, post-imploring, the stick was inserted to attempt a
poke, the stick was yanked away by 93990. When a handler attempted to
enter the cage to retrieve the poking stick, the handler was poked.
Following this incident, the conclusion was reached to attempt no
further retrievals of the poking stick, but rather to obtain a
back-up poking stick available from Supply. As Supply did not at this
time have a back-up poking stick, it was decided to attempt no
further poking until the first poking stick could be retrieved. When
it was determined that retrieving the first poking stick would be
problematic, it was judged beneficial that the first poking stick was
now in the possession of 93990, as observations could be made as to
how 93990 was using and/or manipulating the poking stick, i.e.,
effect of Borazadine on motor skills.

On Day 10, on what was
to have been the last day of the study, upon the observation that
animal 93990 still exhibited no effects whatsoever, the decision was
reached to increase the dosage to 100,000 mg/kg/day, a dosage 10
times greater than that which had proved almost immediately lethal to
every other animal in the highest-dose group. This was adjudged to be
scientifically defensible. This dosage was delivered at 0300 hrs on
Day 10. Remarkably, no acute effects were seen other than those
associated with injection (i.e., small, bright purple blisters at the
injection site, coupled with elevated heart rate and extreme
perspiration and limited panic gesturing) but these soon subsided and
were judged to be related to the high rate of injection rather than
to the Borazadine itself.

Throughout Day 10,
animal 93990 continued to show no symptoms. It ate and drank
normally. It moved energetically about the cage. It climbed the rope.
By the end of the study period, i.e., midnight of Day 10, no symptoms
whatsoever had been observed. Remarkably, the animal leapt about the
cage. The animal wielded the poking stick with good dexterity,
occasionally implored, shrieked energetically at the handlers. In
summary, even at a dosage 10 times that which had proved almost
immediately fatal to larger, heavier animals, 93990 showed no
symptoms whatsoever. In all ways, even at this exceptionally high
dosage, this animal appeared to be normal, healthy, unaffected, and
thriving.

At approximately 0100
hrs of Day 11, 93990 was tranquilized via dart, removed from the
enclosure, sacrificed, and necropsied.

No evidence of renal
damage was observed. No negative effects of any kind were observed. A
net weight gain of 3 kg since the beginning of the study was
observed.

All carcasses were
transported off-site by a certified medical waste hauler and disposed
of via incineration.

Morning
at the Carrigans'.

Minutes ago, Chief
Wayne left with the giant stick of butter. Any minute now, Brad
Carrigan expects, the doorbell will ring.

Just then the doorbell
rings.

Chief Wayne stands
scowling in the doorway, holding the giant stick of butter.

"Gosh, what's the
matter, Wayne?" says Doris, the way she always does.

"I
tried to butter my toast," says Chief Wayne. "At which time
I discovered that this stick of butter was actually your dog, Buddy,
wearing a costume—a costume of a stick of butter!"

"Oh
Buddy," says Doris. "Don't you know that, if you want
someone to like you, tricking them is the last thing you should do?"

"I
guess I know that now," says Buddy sadly.

"Brad?
Doris?" says Chief Wayne.
"I guess I also learned something today. If a dog likes
you, or even a person, you should try your best to like them in
return. Buddy wouldn't have to hide in this costume if I'd simply
accept his friendship."

"That's a good
lesson, Wayne," says Doris.
"One I guess we could all stand to learn."

"What I was hoping
you'd learn, Wayne?" says Buddy. "Is
that just because a person spends hours at a time in front of the
house, licking his or her own butt, doesn't mean he or she has no
feelings."

"Although
technically, Buddy, you're not really a person," says Chief
Wayne.

"And technically
you don't have a butt," says Doris.

"All you have is
that hole where Craig puts his hand in, to make you move," says
Chief Wayne.

This
hurts Buddy's feelings and he runs out the dog door. "Oh gosh,"
Doris says. "I hope nothing bad
happens to Buddy."

"I'd
feel awful if something happened to the Budster
because we drove him outside with our taunts about him
not having a butt," says Chief Wayne thoughtfully.

Brad,
Doris, and Chief Wayne step
into the yard to find Buddy hanging motionless on the clothesline,
his severed genitals on the ground beneath him.

"Well,
I guess we all learned something today," says Chief Wayne.

"What
I learned?" says Doris. "Is you
never know when someone precious to you may be snatched away."

"And
therefore," says Chief Wayne, "we must
show our love every day, in every way."

"That
is so true," says Doris.

"Don't
you think that's true, Brad?" says Chief Wayne.

"I
guess so," says Brad, whose hands are shaking.

"You
guess
so?" says Chief Wayne. "Oh
that's rich! You
guess
we must show our love every day, in
every way?"

"As
if there could be any argument about that whatsoever!" says
Doris.

"Oh
Brad," says Chief Wayne, with an
affectionate shake of his headdress.

"Oh
Brad," says Doris. "The people we
know and love are all that matter in this crazy world. Someday you'll
understand that."

"The
people we love—and the dogs we love!"
says Chief Wayne.

"If
you look deep in your heart, Brad," says Doris,
"I just know that's what you feel."

What
Brad feels is, he's trying his best here. Trying his best to stay
cheerful and positive. About a month ago, Doris
passed him a note regarding possible cancellation.
It's
coming,
the note said.
Our asses are grass, unless. Big
changes req'd. Trust me on this. Grave crisis,
no lie, love, ME.

How
did Doris know about the impending possible
cancellation? When he asked, she wouldn't say. She only shook
her head fiercely, as if to indicate: We're not going to discuss this
any further, we're just going to fix the problem.

So
whenever something's changed around here, he's tried to stay upbeat.
When they got Buddy he didn't question why Buddy was a puppet-dog
and not a real dog. When Chief Wayne started
coming around claiming to be his oldest friend in the world, he
didn't question why a Native American had red hair. When their
backyard started morphing, he didn't ask how it
was physically possible.

Then
things started getting dumber. Plus meaner. Now it's basically all
mean talk and jokes about poop and butts. He and Doris
used to talk about real issues, about them, their
relationship, their future hopes and plans. Once she lost her
engagement ring and bought a fake so he wouldn't notice. Once he
became jealous when the butcher started giving her excellent cuts of
meat.

And
now violence. Poor Buddy. They've never had violence before.
Once a tree branch conked Brad in the head. Once he fell off a chair
and landed on a knitting needle.

But
a murder/castration?

No,
never, this is entirely unprecedented.

"Brad,
hello?" says Doris. "Have you had
a stroke? Is that why you're staring off into space as if taking a
dump?"

"Did
you take such a difficult dump it gave you a stroke?" says Chief
Wayne.

Both Doris and Chief Wayne
put on their faces the expression of someone taking a
difficult dump, then having a stroke. Then we see from the way they
start laughing warmly, smiling affectionately at Brad, and from the
happy swell of the music, that they haven't really had strokes while
taking dumps, they're just trying to keep things light, and also,
that it's time for a commercial.

Back at the Carrigans', Brad has placed Buddy
and his genitals on a card table, along with a photo of Buddy and
some of his favorite squeakie toys.

"Would anyone like to say a few words about Buddy?" Brad
says.

"Poor Buddy," says Chief Wayne. "Always
shooting his mouth off. I'm sure that's what happened to him. He shot
his mouth off to the wrong person, who then killed and castrated
him."

"Not that you're saying he deserved it," says Doris.

"I'm not saying he deserved it exactly," says Chief Wayne.
"But if a person is going to have so many negative
opinions, and share them with the world, eventually somebody's going
to get tired of it."

"Would anyone like to say a few, other, words about Buddy?"
says Brad. "Doris?"

"Hey, wait a minute," says Doris,
glancing up at the TV "Isn't this
FinalTwist
?"

"Oh, I love
FinalTwist
,"
says
Chief Wayne.

"Guys?" says Brad. "Aren't we remembering Buddy?"

"Brad, for heaven's sake," says Doris.
"Calm down and watch some
FinalTwist
with us."

"Buddy's not exactly going anywhere, Bradster,"
says Chief Wayne.

Also new. Previously they never watched other shows on their show.
Plus they have so many TVs now, two per room, plus a backyard TV,
plus one at either end of the garage, so that, wherever they go, some
portion of another show is always showing.