In Persuasion Nation (4 page)

And
Carolyn said, Mr. Slippen, I did not see you raising your babies in
such a confined environment.

And
Slippen said, Carolyn, that is so, but also please note that neither
I nor my kids have ever been on TrendSetters & TasteMakers gum
cards and believe me, I have heard a few earfuls vis-à-vis
that, as in: Dad, you could've got us In but no, and now, Dad, I am
merely another ophthalmologist among millions of ophthalmologists.
And please do not think that is not something that a father sometimes
struggles with. In terms of coulda shoulda woulda.

And
Carolyn said, Jon, you know what, he is not even really listening to
us.

And
Slippen said, Randy, since when is your name Jon?

Because
by the way my name is really Jon. Randy is just what my mother put on
the form the day I was Accepted, although tell the truth I do not
know why.

But in
my dimmest mind I can very clear recall her voice calling me Jon in
my possibly bad days.

It
is one thing to see all this stuff in your head, Carolyn said. But
altogether different to be Out in it, I would expect.

And I
could see that she was softening into a like daughter role, as if
wanting him to tell her what to do, and up came LI 27493 (Prudential
Life), where, with Dad enstroked in the hospital bed, Daughter asks
should she marry the guy who though poor has a good heart, and we see
the guy working with inner-city kids via spray-painting a swing set,
and Dad says, Sweetie, the heart must lead you. And then later here
is Dad all better in a tux, and Daughter hugging the poor but good
dude while sneaking a wink at Dad, who raises his glass and points at
the groom's shoe, where there is this little smudge of swing-set
paint.

I
cannot comment as to that, Slippen said. Everyone is different.
Nobody can know someone else's experiences.

Larry,
no offense but you are talking shit, Carolyn said. We deserve better
than that from you.

And
Slippen looked to be softening, and I remembered when he would sneak
all of us kids in doughnuts, doughnuts we did not even need to Assess
but could simply eat with joy with jelly on our face before returning
to our Focussed Purposeful Play with toys we would Assess by coloring
in on a sheet of paper either a smiling duck if the toy was fun or a
scowling duck if the toy bit.

And
Slippen said, Look, Carolyn, you are two very fortunate people, even
chosen people. A huge investment was made in you, which I would argue
you have a certain responsibility to repay, not to mention, with a
baby on the way, there is the question of security, security for your
future that I—

Uncle,
please, Carolyn said, which was her trumpet cart, because when she
was small he had let her call him that and now she sometimes still
did when the moment was right, such as at Christmas Eve when all of
our feelings was high.

Jesus,
Slippen said. Look, you two can do what you want, clearly. I cannot
stop you kids, but, golly, I wish I could. All that is required is
the required pre-Exit visit to the Lerner Center, which as you know
you must take before I can give you the necessary Exit Paperwork.
When would you like to take or make that visit?

Now,
Carolyn said.

Gosh,
Carolyn, when did you become such a pistol? Mr. Slippen said, and
called for the minivan.

The
Lerner Center, even when reached via a blackened-window minivan, is a
trip that will really blow one's mind, due to all the new sights and
sounds one experiences, such as carpet on floor is different from
carpet on facility floor, such as smoke smell from the minivan
ashtrays, whereas we are a No Smoking facility, not to mention, wow,
when we were led in blindfolded for our own protection, so many new
smells shot forth from these like sidewalkside blooms or whatever
that Carolyn and I were literally bumping into each other like
swooning.

Inside
they took our blindfolds off, and, yes, it looked and smelled exactly
like our facility, and like every facility across the land, via the
PervaScent® system, except in other facilities across the land a
lady in blue scrubs does not come up to you with crossed eyes,
sloshing around a cup of lemonade, saying in this drunk voice like,
A
barn is more than a barn it is a memory of a time when you were cared
for by a national chain of caregivers who bring you the best of life
with a selfless evening in Monterey when the stars are low you can be
thankful to your Amorino Co broker!

And
then she burst into tears and held her lemonade so crooked it was
like spilling on the Foosball table. I had no idea what Location
Indicator or Indicators she was even at, and when I asked, she didn't
seem to even know what I meant by Location Indicator, and was like,
Oh, I just don't know anymore what is going on with me or why I
would expose that tenderest part of my baby to the roughest part of
the forest where the going gets rough, which is not the
accomplishment of any one man but an entire team of dreamers who
dream the same dreams you dream in the best interests of that most
important system of all, your family!

Then
this Lerner Center dude came over and led her away, and she slammed
her hand down so hard on the Foosball table that the little goalie
cracked and his head flew over by us, and someone said, Good one,
Doreen. Now there's no Foosball.

At
which time luckily it was time for our Individual Consultation.

Who we
got was this Mid-Ager from Akron, OH, who, when I asked my first
question off of my Question Card they gave us, which was, What is it
like in terms of pain, he said, There is no pain except once I poked
myself in my hole with a coffee stirrer and, Jesus, that smarted, but
otherwise you can't really even feel it.

So
I was glad to hear it, although not so glad when he showed us where
he had poked his hole with the stirrer, because I am famous as a wimp
among my peers in terms of gore, and he had opted not to use any
DermaFill
^®
, and you could see right in. And, wow,
there is something about observing up close a raw bloody hole at the
base of somebody's hair that really gets one thinking. And though he
said, in Question No. 2, that his hole did not present him any
special challenges in terms of daily maintenance, looking into that
hole, I was like, Dude, how does that give you no challenges, it is
like somebody blew off a firecracker inside your freaking neck!

And
when Carolyn said Question No. 3, which was, How do you now find your
thought processes, his brow darkened and he said, Well, to be frank,
though quite advanced, having been here three years, there are, if
you will, places where things used to be when I went looking for
them, brainwise, but now, when I go there, nothing is there, it is
like I have the shelving but not the cans of corn, if you get my
drift. For example, looking at you, young lady, I know enough to say
you are pretty, but when I direct my brain to a certain place, to
find there a more vivid way of saying you are pretty, watch this,
some words will come out, which I, please excuse me, oh dammit—

Then
his voice changed to this announcer voice and he was like,
These
women know that for many generations entrenched deep in this ancient
forest is a secret known by coffeegrowers since the dawn of time man
has wanted one thing which is to watch golf in peace will surely
follow once knowledge is dispersed and the World Book is a super
bridge across the many miles the phone card can close the gap!

And
his eyes were crossing and he was sputtering, which would have been
funny if we did not know that soon our eyes would be the crossing
eyes and out of our mouths would the sputter be flying.

Then
he got up and fled from the room, hitting himself hard in the face.

And I
said to Carolyn, Well, that about does it for me.

And I
waited for her to say that about did it for her, but she only sat
there looking conflicted with her hand on her belly.

Out in
the Common Room, I took her in my arms and said, Honey, I do not
really think we have it all that bad, why not just go home and love
each other and our baby when he or she comes, and make the best of
all the blessings what we have been given?

And
her head was tilted down in this way that seemed to be saying, Yes,
sweetie, my God, you were right all along.

But
then a bad decisive thing happened, which was this old lady came
hobbling over and said, Dear, you must wait until Year Two to truly
know, some do not thrive but others do, I am Year Two, and do you
know what? When I see a bug now, I truly see a bug, when I see a
paint chip I am truly seeing that paint chip, there is no distraction
and it is so sweet, nothing in one's field of vision but what one
opts to put there via moving one's eyes, and also do you hear how
well I am speaking?

Out in
the minivan I said, Well I am decided, and Carolyn said, Well I am
too. And then there was this long dead silence, because I knew and
she knew that what we had both decided was not the same decision, not
at all, that old crony had somehow rung her bell!

And I
said, How do you know what she said is even true?

And
she said, I just know.

That
night in our double Privacy Tarp, Carolyn nudged me awake and said,
Jon, doesn't it make sense to make our mistakes in the

direction
of giving our kid the best possible chance at a beautiful life?

And I
was like, Chick, please take a look in the Fridge, where there is
every type of food that must be kept cold, take a look on top of the
Fridge, where there is every type of snack, take a look in our Group
Closet, which is packed with gratis designerwear such as Baby Gap and
even Baby Ann Taylor, whereas what kind of beautiful life are you
proposing with a Fridge that is empty both inside and on top, and the
three of us going around all sloppenly, because I don't know about
you but my skill set is pretty limited in terms of what do I know how
to do, and if you go into the Fashion Module for Baby Ann Taylor and
click with your blinking eyes on Pricing Info you will find that they
are not just giving that shit away.

And
she said, Oh, Jon, you break my heart, that night when you came to my
Tarp you were like a lion taking what he wanted but now you are like
some bunny wiffling his nose in fright.

Well,
that wasn't nice, and I told her that wasn't nice, and she said,
Jesus, don't whine, you are whining like a bunny, and I said I would
rather be a bunny than a rag, and she said maybe I better go sleep
somewhere else.

So I
went out to Boys and slept on the floor, it being too late to check
out a Privacy Tarp.

And I
was pissed and sad, because no dude likes to think of himself as a
rabbit, because once your girl thinks of you as a rabbit, how will
she ever again think of you as a lion? And all of the sudden I felt
very much like starting over with someone who would always think of
me as a lion and never as a rabbit, and who really got it about how
lucky we were.

Laying
there in Boys, I did what I always did when confused, which was call
up my Memory Loop of my mom, where she is baking a pie with her red
hair up in a bun, and as always she paused in her rolling and said,
Oh, my little man, I love you so much, which is why I did the most
difficult thing of all, which was part with you, my darling, so that
you could use your exceptional intelligence to do that most holy of
things, help other people. Stay where you are, do not get distracted,
have a content and productive life, and I will be happy too.

Blinking
on End, I was like, Thanks, Mom, you have always been there for me, I
really wish I could have met you in person before you died.

In the
morning Slippen woke me by giving me the light shock on the foot
bottom which was sometimes useful to help us arise if we had

to
arise early and were in need of assistance, and said to please
accompany him, as we had a bit of a sticky wicket in our purview.

Waiting
in Conference Room 6 were Mr. Dove and Mr. Andrews and Mr. Delacourt
himself, and at the end of the table Carolyn, looking small, with
both hands on her pile of Exit Paperwork and her hair in braids,
which I had always found cute, her being like that milkmaid for Swiss
Rain Chocolate (LI 10003), who suddenly throws away her pail and
grows sexy via taking out her braids, and as some fat farm ladies
line up by a silo and also take out their braids to look sexy, their
thin husbands look dubious and run for the forest.

Randy,
Mr. Dove said, Carolyn here has evinced a desire to Exit. What we
would like to know is, being married, do you have that same desire?

And I
looked at Carolyn like, You are jumping to some conclusion because of
one little fight, when it was you who called me the rabbit first,
which is the only reason I called you rag?

It's
not because of last night, Jon, Carolyn said.

Randy,
I sense some doubt? Mr. Dove said.

And I
had to admit that some doubt was being felt by me, because it seemed
more than ever like she was some sort of malcontentish girl who would
never be happy, no matter how good things were.

Maybe
you kids would like some additional time, Mr. Andrews said. Some time
to talk it over and be really sure.

I
don't need any additional time, Carolyn said.

And I
said, You're going no matter what? No matter what I do?

And
she said, Jon, I want you to come with me so bad, but, yes, I'm
going.

And
Mr. Dove said, Wait a minute, who is Jon?

And
Mr. Andrews said, Randy is Jon, it is apparently some sort of pet
name between them.

And
Slippen said to us, Look, guys, I have been married for nearly thirty
years and it has been my experience that, when in doubt, take a
breath. Err on the side of being together. Maybe, Carolyn, the thing
to do is, I mean, your Paperwork is complete, we will hold on to it,
and maybe Randy, as a concession to Carolyn, you could complete your
Paperwork, and we'll hold on to it for you, and when you both decide
the time is right, all you have to do is say the word and we will—