In Name Only (45 page)

“Just a minute,
Sweet.” Caroline took a couple deep breaths in, then out to allow the nausea to
pass. “Yes, very well.  Jane, please be careful that she doesn’t get her new
dress dirty.”

“Yes, I will.”

The young
children rushed off to the wooded area, Jane following close behind.  Left
alone, she smiled. As each day passed, she seemed to become more fatigued and
sick to her stomach, though the queasiness seemed to disappear by mid-day.  The
fullness in her breasts made it difficult to sleep on her stomach.  At least
this pregnancy seemed to be making itself more known.

Yesterday, she
had barely made it to the basin before she retched.  As she returned to the
bed, David had regarded her with a mixture of sympathy and joy.

He leaned
across the bed to kiss her stomach.  “I have a feeling that our child is
growing in there.” He caressed her just below the navel.

“I’m afraid,
David.”

“This one will
last.  I have a feeling
.”

Again feeling the
urge to retch, Caroline began searching for an area to succumb to it. She
reached the waste pail at the back of the house before spilling the contents of
her stomach.  Once finished, she felt better, at least for the moment.

In the kitchen,
she drank a cool glass of water.  She sat down and breathed in the sweet spring
air that blew through the kitchen.

“Why are you
sitting in here?” she heard her husband say.

“I felt a bit
queasy.  I made it to the waste barrel just in time.”

“Have you made an
appointment with the midwife yet?”  He kissed the top of her head. 

“Not yet, but I
will.”

“Papa, Papa!” 
Kathleen yelled as she, Jane and Isaac walked into the kitchen.  Both of the
little girl’s hands were behind her back.

“We returned
early because Miss Kathleen has a gift for you, Miss Caroline, and she wanted
to give it to you right away.”

Kathleen brought
forward a large bouquet of dandelions.  “For you, Mama. I picked ‘em.”

“Thank you so
much, Sweet.  They’re beautiful.”

David lifted her
in his arms and squeezed her small body in an affectionate hug.  “Hey, Kat,
were you ‘xplorin’ again?” he asked, mimicking her.

“Uh-huh, Jane and
Isaac took me.  I picked flowers for Mama.”

He smiled at
Caroline. 

“Mr. David, Miss
Caroline don’t look so well.  Perhaps you should tell her to take a rest.”

“Yes, Caroline.
I’m free for the next two hours, so I can play with Kathleen while you rest
upstairs.”

Caroline nodded. 
As she stood up, another wave of nausea swept over her. “Maybe I should remain
here until this passes,” she said, sitting down again.  All of a sudden,
despite the rest, she felt her stomach beginning to convulse. Again she jumped
up to quickly reach the waste barrel outside and expelled what was left in her
stomach. She soon felt David’s hands gently rubbing her back as she finished
the task. She glanced at him to find him smiling sympathetically.

“I think you
ought to have a rest.”

She shook her
head. 

“Perhaps I should
assist you, Miss Caroline?” asked the servant, leaning her head out the back
doorway.

“No, Jane.  I’ll
be fine as soon as it passes.”

“I can take you,
Caroline. I’m going upstairs to the study,” said David.

“No, that won’t
be necessary.  I’ll just take a moment.” Caroline returned to the seat at the
table and took a few deep breaths. Jane began to chop up a whole chicken.  Each
time the knife slammed down onto the raw chicken and the table, another queasy
feeling came upon her.  “On second thought, perhaps I will go upstairs and have
a short rest.”

“Rest well,” Jane
said, as Caroline quickly passed by the table. “I’ll keep an eye on Miss
Kathleen.”

“Thank you.”

Within minutes,
she was in her room, lying on the large bed, neatly made.  The feeling of
nausea had subsided.  She moved her hand to her stomach and smiled. There was
no denying the usual signs that she carried their child within her. The
sickness, missed monthlies, breast tenderness and extreme fatigue gave her hope
that this one would last.

Chapter 57

In her bed,
Caroline heard the chiming of the clock downstairs announcing that it was three
o’clock a.m.  She had been having difficulties sleeping for the past hour,
listening as it struck each quarter hour. Caroline despised sleeping in her own
bed, but once her pregnancy was confirmed two months ago, David insisted on
it.  When she protested, he remained steadfast.  “For our baby’s safety,
Caroline.” 

He told Caroline
that years ago he had dismissed as barbaric the modern medical recommendation
that couples abstain from the marriage act during pregnancy.  Now, David had
concluded that perhaps Caroline’s miscarriage was caused by the frequency of
their intimacy.  She was not convinced that was the cause, but hesitantly agreed
that it was best to sleep separately until the baby was born.

Of course, it had
been a moot point for the last two months as she had been so ill that she
gladly welcomed sleep every night to provide relief from retching.  And Jane,
to whom Caroline owed more than a great deal of gratitude, had strategically
placed basins around the house so that Caroline would not have to bolt from any
given room to be sick.

Her husband was
most thoughtful during the day, often keeping Kathleen occupied while Caroline
slept.  In the evenings, he sat with Caroline in the parlor reading from
scripture or discussing various issues.  Most recently, she had especially
enjoyed his recitation of the Canticle of Canticles and their lengthy
conversations regarding the imagery and symbolism of that particular book.

As well, he
shared so much of himself with her, unlike Liam who, for whatever reason, found
it difficult to reveal deep feelings and thoughts to her.

She pulled on her
robe and checked on Kathleen, who was sleeping soundly.  She carefully opened
David’s door and crept inside his room.  It was silent except for his deep
breathing.  She took off her robe and slipped into the bed beside him.  He
hardly roused, except, in his slumber, he embraced her. Soon, Caroline drifted
off into a deep sleep.

As she awoke,
David was kissing her and on top of her.  Although rational, Caroline
surrendered to the moment.  When it was over, David –  now awake and realizing
what had happened –  was apologetic.  “Caroline, I shouldn’t have. . .we
shouldn’t have.”

She touched her
fingers to his lips.  “Shhh.  It’s fine.”

“We shouldn’t be
doing this, Caroline.”

“Why, David?  We
were intimate many times in the first few months when we didn’t know for
certain I was with child.”

“Yes, I know, but
I. . .”

“I miss our
nights together.”

“As do I,” he
said, then he caressed her stomach.  “I just want to protect him. . .or her.”

“I know. But can
I remain here with you for now, please?”

He smiled, then
kissed her forehead.  “Just for tonight. . .”

The next morning,
Caroline awoke in his embrace and studied him as he slept.  She enjoyed
watching her husband sleep, oblivious to the world, in total slumber.

A cool waft of
air caressed her skin; the smell of an early autumn morning gave her a sense of
well being.  At that moment, her unborn child stretched within her.

There was a quiet
knock followed by, “Miss Caroline?”

“Yes?”

“Miss Kathleen’s
pestering me to be with you and Mr. David.”

David roused as
Caroline spoke.  “Just a minute, Jane.” Caroline pulled on her robe over her
nightgown and opened the door. “ Mama, Papa!” Kathleen exclaimed, as she
climbed onto the bed.

Jane was smiling
as she closed the door.

“How do you like
your new room, Kathleen?”

“Don’t like it.”

“Kathleen, I. .
.”

“How’s my girl
doing this morning?” David asked.

“I miss Mama.”

“Well, Kat. . .”

“Want to sleep
with you and Mama?”

“Kat, I. . .”

He glanced at
Caroline, a smile now forming on her lips.

“Are you not
going to help me here, dear wife?”

“I think you’re
handling this fine.”

“I want to sleep
with Mama and Papa.”

“Well, I don’t
know about that, Kat.  We’ll see if we can arrange something.”

Kathleen threw
herself at David.  He embraced her small body as she placed wet kisses on his
cheek. 
They love each other so much
.  For a moment, Caroline’s eyes
glistened as she remembered Liam. 
How proud he would have been to have a
daughter
.

Kathleen’s
squeals caused Caroline’s heart to leap with joy.  Her husband’s loving
expression and tender voice, the early morning light just peeking its way into
their room, gave her a soothing, peaceful sensation. Caroline had never felt so
loved, so calmed, so happy.

Chapter 58

Caroline couldn’t
figure out which to focus on, the small snowman Kathleen was building or the
laneway which should have brought her husband home hours ago.

“I told you not
to worry,” Jane said from the porch.

“David said that
he would be home at eleven this morning.  It is now three o’clock.”  Caroline’s
breath was visible in the frigid air.

“I’m sure Mr.
David’s fine.”

“But he’s coming
from Quakertown.  He said he would leave early and arrive home by eleven or
noon, at the latest.  He’s four hours late.  What if he’s hurt?”

“You got to stop
doing this to yourself.  Mr. David’s a strong man and he wouldn’t take any
chances.  If he’s not home, it wouldn’t be through any fault of his own.”

“I know, but. .
.”

“Mama, help me.”

“Yes, Sweet.” She
turned and began to pat the side of Kathleen’s snowman’s head.

Jane pulled her
wool sweater closer to her body.  “Perhaps we’d better go inside.”

“I want to remain
out here as long possible to wait for David.”

“You’ll be
delivering in the next few weeks and you can’t be prancing around in the snow. 
You might fall.”

“Jane, please.”

The servant shook
her head and went back inside the house.

“Mama, put the
head on.”

Caroline lifted
up the smaller snowball that they had rolled and placed it firmly on top of the
two larger balls.  All of a sudden, a pain in her abdomen, a familiar one, made
her gasp, then hold her breath.

“Mama, here are
sticks.”

As the pain
subsided, she exhaled. “Yes, Sweet, we can’t forget the arms.”

Kathleen stuck
the sticks on either sides of the large middle ball of the snowman.

Soon, Caroline
saw their small carriage coming up the laneway.  She wished that she could run
and greet him, but that would not be safe with her advanced pregnancy.  David
pulled the carriage to a stop, then tethered the horse to the front post.  She
hurried over to him and embraced him.

“I’m sorry I was
so late, Caroline.  I hope you didn’t worry too –” He tried to back away, but
her grip tightened.  “I was worried, David,” she said, her voice muffled with
her face pressed up against his coat.

“Papa, Papa,
home!” Kathleen shouted.

“Well, Kat, you’re
building a fine looking gentleman,” he said, while his wife still held onto
him. Kathleen ran back to the snowman.

“One of the
wheels was cracked and I had to stop outside of Quakertown to get it repaired.”

Caroline finally
stepped away from him.  “David, I love you so much.”

“I love you too. 
More than I can ever express.” 

“You’ve already
expressed it quite well.” She took his hand and placed it on her large stomach.

He kissed her,
then took hold of her hand as they walked together to the snowman.

“Ah, look at this
handsome fellow.  He needs a proper top hat.” He took off his hat and placed it
on top of the smaller ball.

“I like that,
Papa.”

“I’m not sure my
head will like it very much.”  He glanced at Caroline and gave her a warm,
affectionate smile.  “It’s awfully cold out here, Caroline.  Perhaps you should
return indoors.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’ll be
delivering any day.  You don’t want to catch cold, do you?”

“I assure you
that I am dressed very warmly.  And at least I’ve got a warm bonnet on my head,
which is more than I can say for you.”  She reached up and brushed the
accumulating snow from the top of his dark curly hair. As she was moving her
hand away, he caught it and kissed her palm through the glove.  His tender
expression made her want to embrace him again.