In Darkness Lost (2 page)

Running didn’t help me to leave the pain or loneliness behind. I collapsed onto my bed, gasping for breath, sides afire with cramping. As I ran my fingers along the velvety smoothness of my comforter, I took deep breaths in an attempt to stop the cramps. Trying to keep the tears at bay, I focused on the gentle current of warm air wafting from the fireplace and through my bed’s gauzy curtains. It wasn’t working. I buried my face in the silky blue pillow, weeping harder than I had wept beside my mother.

How can this be happening? I don’t understand any of this! Why did it have to be my mother? I still need her. I’m not old enough to take on everything I must.
I asked myself, sitting up.

I moved down onto the floor, sitting down and rocking back and forth on my heels. My whole life had become a disaster in one devastating blow and I could see no light anywhere. I was surrounded by darkness, and I couldn’t escape. Even worse, I was lost in the darkness, and I didn’t know if anyone could find me or pull me back onto the path and the light.

I covered my face in my hands and wept, the tears slipping through my fingers and onto my blue silk dress. My heart was breaking and I didn’t know how to stop it.

Stop this! You don’t have time for self-pity, Dairdra. You need to take over your duty, which means you need to speak to the king about what you’ll need to do.

I listened to the quiet voice in my storm. After all, it offered a course of action and a way to escape the growing darkness. I could throw myself into my duties, numbing myself to the pain with work. If I didn’t have enough work to cover all my time, I’d find a way to deal with the pain when I got there. For now, I couldn’t afford to deal with it, so it had to be shoved to the side until I could.

I got up. Walking into my bathroom, I splashed cold water on my face, hoping to erase the tear stains.

I walked down the empty colonnaded halls. They were so pristine, and their white, splendid beauty made my heart hurt even worse. How could anything be beautiful when I was hurting so badly?

The silver plants that gave Argent her name had always made me smile before, but now they did not. They stood in their pots along the rows of columns, but their glittering beauty was distant now, not close and personal. Everything surrounding me was cold and distant from me and I was lonely in a way I’d never been before.

It was almost enough to make me retreat to my room again where I could close the drapes and hide in darkness. My room was a place I could let my bitter tears of anguish fall, but out here I could not. Still, I did not turn around. Instead, I continued on to my father’s audience chambers.

He was there, sitting at his desk in the corner of the throne room where the most sun came through the windows.

“Sire?” I kept my voice steady and distant, as required by our formal location.

He started, looking up. “Dairdra? I didn’t hear you come in. Did the guards let you in? Why were you not announced?”

“I asked them to let me in, but told them not to bother announcing me if you were not busy. I must speak with you.” I answered with far more confidence than I felt.

“Very well. What do you wish to speak with me about?” He ushered me to the red, velvet-cushioned seat in front of the desk. Only royalty was allowed this luxury, and now I was glad that I was royalty because my legs felt too weak to support me.

“I would like to know what my duties will be with the Queen ill.”

“Ah, I thought you might ask that.” My father rubbed his temples.

“Well, I have, so now, my King, what is your answer?” I asked quietly.

“You will be required only to see to arranging any parties or galas that may be occurring. I know it is a big job, but I am confident that you will be able to manage. You have helped the Queen on many occasions, so I highly doubt it will be too much to handle.”

I bowed my head in consent. “Very well, my Liege. I shall do that. When will I be required to do this next?”

“Not for a while, my dear. With your mother ill and all the other matters of state to attend to, no one is expecting parties any time soon.”

I nearly sighed in disappointment. I didn’t want to go to any parties, but I would have welcomed the chance to distract myself. Then again, all of the pomp and brilliance of a party would only cause me more pain because everyone else would be happy and I’d be miserable.

Maybe that was a bit egocentric, though. Others would be mourning the Queen’s illness as well. My mother was beloved of the people. However, I was so tied up in life’s terrible machinations that I could not escape even if I tried.

“Thank you, my lord. With your permission, I will take a walk now.”

“You have my permission, but I want you to take your mage friend, Crypt, along with you. He’s quite strong for a boy of seventeen. The queen picked her royal mage wisely. As she is ill, he will be your royal mage until she recovers… or… or dies.” He whispered.

“Very well, Sire. May I request a guard to follow us at a distance? It would be… improper to take Crypt with me alone. People might think poorly of us and of you for allowing us to be alone like that.”

“As usual, you are sensible, my daughter. Very well, it shall be as you say. Take Captain Choric with you.”

I rose, giving him a low curtsy as was required. He gave me a nod of dismissal, and I left to find Crypt.

***

Crypt was in his room stretched out in his usual spot on his black-clothed bed reading a book. He looked up when I came in, his exquisite, ageless hazel eyes shifting colors as the sunlight filtered across them. His long, black lashes seemed to glitter in the sun.

“Princess?” His soft voice was gentle.

“I came to ask you to accompany me on a walk.” I said.

“No, you didn’t.” He whispered.

“I did too!” I protested, glaring at him.

He stood up. “I heard what happened to your mother. The walk is only your ulterior reason for coming, not the real reason.”

“Then what’s the real reason?” I asked, already knowing deep down what it was if I was honest with myself.

“You came because you knew I’d understand, and I would comfort you when no one else has. I’m the only one who is willing listen and not run from the intensity of your fear and grief,” Crypt answered, smiling softly at me. Perhaps his answer was a bit over confident to some, but it was true.

Now that he said it, I realized that was exactly why I had come. I knew that Crypt would listen to me because he had diagnosed my problem so well. If he diagnosed a problem, he rarely left it unsolved.

I loved my father dearly, but ours was a distant relationship because he had too much to deal with ruling the kingdom. I’d always been close to my mother, but she couldn’t help me now. She was the cause of the distress in the first place, and as I’d seen in the hospital, Father would be no comfort. He didn’t know how to comfort me.

So I’d come to Crypt, knowing he was the only person whom I could actually trust to comfort me. He would take my grief and pain, and he would shoulder it with me instead of leaving me to drown in darkness and fear.

He’d been doing that since I was thirteen years old and we first became friends. Now it seemed as natural to take it to him as it was to talk to my mother about it. I was thankful for his presence then in a way I never had been before.

“You’re right. I… Well, I guess I just need someone who’ll understand and be willing to let me cry if I need to without walking off and leaving me alone.” I whispered.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Crypt asked, sympathy shining in his ageless hazel eyes.

I shook my head, my throat closing with tears as I remembered my mother’s pale face as she lay in her hospital bed.

He saw the look on my face and stood there, uncertain. I knew he wanted to put his arms around me and comfort me. That’s how he was. He saw everyone else’s pain, and he wanted to help fix it. In this case, though, my status was blocking it.

I wanted him to hug me and tell me it would be okay because no one else had. Besides, Crypt was my best friend. He and I had become so close in the last year or two he’d been in the palace training. Our relationship was such that if I lost him, I’d lose myself for sure.

I moved towards him, and put my arms around him. I couldn’t see his expression, but I assumed he was thankful I had initiated the embrace so that he could hug me back. He put his strong, loving arms around me and let me rest my head on his shoulder.

Tears started dripping down my face. They dropped off my chin and onto his shirt as I wept.

Still he held me without caring that I was soaking his shoulder with my tears. He simply stood there, holding me, and offering silent support and love. I didn’t realize how much I had longed for this until I had come to ask him to take a walk with me. Now I was glad I had come, despite the fact that he was seeing – well, feeling, my tears.

My grieving heart accepted his silent offer to take care of me, and help me through the storm. He was the protector my father had never been and which my mother could not be right then.

My torrent of tears stopped a few minutes later. I let him hold me a moment or so more and then I moved away, wiping my eyes. I produced a lacey blue handkerchief from my pocket and blew my nose.

“Thanks,” I whispered, my voice hoarse.

He smiled slightly. “If it made you feel better, then you’re welcome.”

“It did.” I sniffled, managing a watery smile.

“Then it was worth having my shoulder covered in tears.” He said, giving his pitch-black shirtsleeve an unconcerned glance.

I grinned, feeling relieved after finally letting it out for real. “What would you say to that walk now?” I asked.

“Definitely!” He replied, grabbing a black wool coat with silver piping before heading out the door.

I smiled as I followed him out the door, knowing that my time here had done something to strengthen me so that I could go on. Now I could be strong for everyone including myself because I was strong myself.

The pain of my mother’s near death was still raw and near in my mind, and it pervaded my dreams that night. I tossed and turned, moaning, and screaming. I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming or awake. Time jumbled together. This night. Yesterday. Nothing made sense.

The attack made on my mother’s life taunted me. Her body slammed into the ice. I saw her falling in a never-ending arc. Then I was collapsing onto the ice with a dull thud, tears streaming down my face. I screamed and screamed in desperation and pain.

Sometimes the attacker turned to face me, eyes blazing, and hurt me too, making me lay there, bleeding on the ice as my mother sunk below the surface of the lake and under the ice. I would lay there helpless until the cycle began again.

There was a sharp crack. Her body slammed into the ice once more. And on it went. Sometime during the dream, when my mother was hitting the ice, a loud crash resounded. I sat up, thrashing against the covers.

My cheeks were wet with tears, and my throat was raw from my silent screaming and moaning. My ears strained to pick up the sound again. I couldn’t figure out what had happened. What had it been?

I heard it again, this time louder. It came from my father’s room. It sounded as though he had knocked something breakable over on the floor. Was he injured?

At first, I wondered if perhaps I had dreamed it. Nothing further came to my ears. Still, I had the feeling that something wasn’t right.

Worried now, I climbed out of bed. My nightgown drifted down over my legs. I gasped as my bare feet hit the cold marble floor, but I ignored it, hastening to my father’s chambers.

Heart racing, I flung open my father’s chamber doors. The outer chambers were silent and empty.

I rushed to the inner chamber doors, flinging them open too.

What I saw within nearly broke my heart.

I walked over to the dreadful sight, knees weak.

My father lay in a pool of blood on the floor. His eyes stared sightlessly upward, and his face was ashen.

I sank to the ground, tears running down my face. Running my fingers down his cold face, I whimpered. “Father?”

He said nothing. His body was still warm and blood pooled around him.

“Father, please wake up… Don’t die on me. I need you!” I cried.

Still, he did not move.

I knew he would never move again, but I refused to accept it.

“Father, you have to wake up now! Come back to me. I can’t do this alone…” I begged.

There was no response.

I knew there wouldn’t be.

I would never hear his warm voice again, and I would never have him to turn to if I wanted to do so.

Before this, I had not realized what a privilege I had, or even how much he loved me. I hadn’t known how much I cared for him. Now that he was gone, I felt the dreadful loss, and I knew how deeply I had loved him.

My sight of him blurred. My nightgown was soaking up the blood pooling around him. The wound was still warm, though it no longer bled because my father’s heart no longer beat. I clutched his broken body to me and cradled his head against my chest as I wept. Rocking back and forth, I sat there in shock and cried.

My mind began to reassert control, and I realized with a jolt that I might be in danger.

The assassin could still be in the room.

Wiping away the tears, I stumbled to my feet.

I gazed apprehensively about the room from where I was standing. Seeing no immediate danger, I decided to arm myself just in case. Grabbing my father’s jeweled dagger from his nightstand, I walked into the hallway.

“Guards! Guards! The king has been murdered!” I shouted.

I wondered briefly if I should leave the room for good, and get to safety, but upon deliberation, I decided I had to stay.

 If I left, it would mean that the assassin could escape from the room while the guards were coming. As long as I was in there, the assassin couldn’t go anywhere without attacking me.

The guards were only a few steps away and if the assassin attacked, they would reach me in time to help so long as I got the chance to defend myself.

Turning my back on the main hallway, I reentered the bedchamber.

I was about to investigate further when Captain Choric and his men broke into the room. They had come running as soon as they heard my screams.

The Captain grabbed my arm, pulling me out of the room. “Get her to safety!”

I glared at him, pulling my arm away. “Captain Choric, unhand me! Search the room for the assassin, but do not baby me. I am not going anywhere.” I didn’t know where my sudden courage had come from, but I needed it right now, and I wasn’t going to question myself.

He looked flustered. “My apologies, your Highness.” Then he added, “But really, you should go to safety. You should have gotten out of here as soon as you saw what had happened. We can handle it all.”

“I am certain that you can, Captain. But tell me, if the assassin was in the room, and I hadn’t stayed, but had left as you said, what would have happened, do you think?”

“The assassin would have had free reign of the palace. He might have left, but then again, he might have instead come after you too.”

I nodded. “That is correct. Leaving probably wouldn’t have done much good. Besides, if the assassin were in here, they would have attacked me immediately if they were going to at all because they had the element of surprise.”

I paused, glancing around. The guards were checking the room, but they were avoiding the body.

I sighed. “Captain, please send some of these dawdling soldiers to check the rest of the palace and the grounds. Having all of them in here looking over the room is a waste of resources.”

He bowed his head. “Of course. My apologies, my Queen.”

I glanced sharply at him, snapping, “I’m not Queen yet, Captain.”

“Perhaps not officially, my lady, but you are unofficially the only royal capable of ruling. So that makes you Queen.”

“It does not.”

He bowed his head in silent acquiescence to my petulant behavior.

His behavior served only to embarrass me.

“I apologize for my words, my lady.” Captain Choric answered.

His head remained bowed.

I sighed. “Now is not the time to have an argument. We’ll discuss my authority and standing later.”

One of the guards approached us. “Captain Choric, sir?”

“Yes, Soldier Corbin?”

“What are your orders, sir? The men have checked the room. No one is here insofar as we can tell.”

“Take a contingent of men to comb the grounds and the palace itself.” Captain Choric answered.

“Also, get together several strong mages to comb the palace and the ground to be sure the assassin isn’t hiding with a Cloaking.” I added.

One of the soldiers gazed down at my nightdress, a horrified expression on his face.

 I followed his gaze. It was only then that I remembered the blood staining my nightdress and dripping down my legs.

 I sighed. This was not how a princess should look.

An uncomfortable silence ensued.

Tired of their slothfulness, I looked at Captain Choric’s men. “Go do what I told you to do. You are wasting time, and in that time, the assassin can escape.” Turning to the Captain, I added, “I want you to conduct a personal search of my father’s chambers. Report back to me when you are done.”

The Captain immediately began to give orders to his men, his voice ringing through the hall. Armored feet rushed in all directions from the king’s chambers.

I scanned the faces, looking to see which magician they had brought with them. I was not surprised to see that it was Crypt.

He hadn't completed his training yet, but he was the most powerful magician in court, and he knew enough destructive magic to hold his own against most magic wielders.

“Crypt, conduct a Searching of these chambers to be sure that no one is hiding with Cloaking in here.”

He nodded. Closing his eyes, he began whispering in the Ancient Tongue. The room seemed to take on a shimmery look, and things previously under a Cloaking showed.

Crypt looked up in surprise. “Whoever was here had a powerful amulet. I’m not sure who made it, but if you look in your father’s hand, you’ll find it. It was under a second level Cloaking. Probably an extra precaution just in case something went wrong.”

I nodded to Captain Choric. He did as Crypt had instructed, and there in my father’s hand the amulet glittered. I hadn’t even known it was there.

Whoever had done this had been taking no chances. How did my father get it? Had he discovered it while trying to escape his attacker?

I shook my head, sighing.

“My Queen, I have never seen a symbol such as this.” Captain Choric said. He turned the amulet every direction, examining all the details of its make.

“Captain, investigate the amulet’s origins. I’ve never seen this symbol before either, and if you can’t identify it, then we’ll need help. It could lead us to whoever did this.”

“Very well, my Queen.”

His insistent but respectful use of the title rankled. I said nothing, however. I knew I did not have the time to waste arguing about his decision to consider me his acting Queen.

Turning back to Crypt, I asked, “Is there anyone in the room under Cloaking?”

“No, my lady, there is not.”

“Very well. Crypt, accompany me to my chambers. I am going to change while you do as I said, Captain Choric.”

Crypt nodded his acquiescence. As I turned to leave, Captain Choric bowed. “My queen.”

I ignored his use of the title, but turned back to him. “That’s another thing, Captain Choric. Send someone to get the ministers of state together. I need to plan an official funeral, and the official ceremonies for getting oaths of fealty from you, your soldiers, and the nobles. Good night, Captain.”

I couldn’t believe I was saying what I was. I couldn’t be Queen. I had to accept the title and responsibility outwardly, but I couldn’t fathom it in my head. Me? Queen? I couldn’t do it! I’d mess it all up for sure.

Trying to ignore those thoughts, I swept out the door, not looking back.

By now, people were rousing in the segments nearest to the royal quarters as the noise and bustle woke them from their slumber. Sleepy eyed courtiers and advisors staggered into the halls, wearing only their nightclothes. The remaining guards quickly rounded them back up, herding them out of the royal apartments. No one needed to know what the outcry was yet. Most of them had probably woken because they heard the guards’ heavy, clinking footsteps outside the door as the guards rushed to my father’s bedchambers.  

Crypt and I continued down the hall, ignoring it all.

When we finally reached the safety of my bedroom, I collapsed into a chair. I put my arms on the desk, and then buried my face in them.

Crypt walked silently over. He rubbed my back soothingly. I didn’t respond as I tried to breathe normally. Tears slipped down my cheeks, and onto my bare arms.

Crypt gently eased me out of the chair, giving me a hug. I hugged him back, still crying and shivering as cold seeped into my bones.

“Shhh…”

I shook my head. “I don’t know how this could have happened. If only I’d been there.”

He held me back away from him, looking me in the eyes. “Dairdra, if you’d been there, you’d be dead too. You couldn’t have held off the assassin. You aren’t strong enough, and whoever did this knew what they were doing. He’d done it before. Logically, you know that.”

I stopped crying, wiping tears away and composing myself. Sternly, I told my brain to listen to my best friend. He knew what he was talking about. “You’re right. The logical part of me knows it, but right now, I don’t want to listen to the logical part.”

He gave me a sad half smile. “Well, start wanting to. People are relying on you, Dairdra, and we can’t afford for you to have a break down.”

“I know. It’s the only reason I’m not having a nervous breakdown right now.”

He smiled. “I’m not surprised.”

I gave my best friend a weak smile. “You can’t be surprised by anything, Crypt.”

He laughed softly. “Yes, I can, but I make a habit of eliminating or avoiding those situations.”

I shook my head in mock disapproval. “Get out! I need to change.”

He gave me a critical look.

“Stand outside the door, and if anything sounds suspicious, you can come running.” I paused, then added, “Oh, and Crypt, I want you to do your own, private Screening and Searching of that amulet and anything else Captain Choric finds. I’ll give you royal consent to do whatever you need to. Do everything possible to find out where that amulet came from.”

He looked worried. “But surely another mage would be more skilled at that. I’m only a third level initiate right now.”

“Yes, your experience is only that of a third level initiate, but your power is that of a fifth Master, not of an initiate, regardless of rank. Not many mages in Argent can rival that. Besides, you aren’t the only one Screening it. You’re just the only one doing a high-level Searching. I doubt any of the other mages will be able to uncover anything with their Screenings if you can’t do it. They may know more than you, but you know all the same things about Screening and Searching, and you are more powerful than they are.”