In Darkness Lost (14 page)
Authors: Ariel Paiement
I wandered around the mansion, trailing my fingers along clean, whitewashed walls.
But I wasn’t really seeing what I was walking past. I saw only the white walls and Crypt everywhere. His smile haunted me, and his words played over and over in my head. I saw our last conversations flitting before me. His lips were on mine again.
Finding a small hollow hidden deep in a closet, I collapsed, pulling the door shut as the memories assailed me.
“Enough of such talk. We’re together right now, and I don’t want our last conversation to be about the war.”
I smiled, rocking back and forth on the floor as I remembered running my hands through his hair and kissing him during that conversation.
Then his response came, and I curled up in pain, shuddering with sobs.
“It won’t be our last conversation.”
And he had been right. It hadn’t been our last conversation.
My words echoed in my mind from another conversation.
“You almost sound as if you believe that I’ll survive and you won’t.”
How prophetic I had been.
Then his response, quiet and breaking.
“I have no illusions about our respective chances of survival.”
I covered my mouth with my hand in an attempt to hold in my sobs so that others would not hear.
“And to my last breath, I’ll do whatever I can to keep you alive. Even if it means my death.”
His words echoed in my mind as I sobbed.
I was broken. And the pain was so intense that I didn’t think I could ever be healed.
The memory of the last few moments before his death assaulted me.
It seemed an eternity, but his eyes fluttered open again. He grasped my hand, pulling me close and kissing me again weakly. “Don’t give up after I die.” He whispered.
“I can’t keep living without you.” I said, my chest clenching so tightly that I could hardly breathe.
“You promise me. That you’ll always keep fighting.” His voice was so quiet that I could hardly hear it, but I could still feel the weak, steady pressure he was applying to my hand.
His hands were deathly cold. He didn’t have much time left.
I nodded. “Alright. I promise.” I didn’t really mean it.
I was saying whatever I could to comfort him at that point. He was going to die. I wanted him comforted and satisfied when he died.
He smiled weakly at me. “I’ll love you forever and always.” He whispered.
Then his eyes closed and his heartbeat, which had been beating sporadically and weakly under my fingers, stopped.
He was gone.
I screamed, a pure, animalistic sound. My heart shattered with the realization that the one person left to me that I had truly cared about had just died. My worst fear, my worst nightmare had come to pass.
There was no one left to me that I cared for anymore. They were all dead. My mother, my father. Now Crypt. Everyone gone. My whole world was shattered into millions of shards, which pierced my heart. I was alone. And I had been helpless to stop any of it from happening.
I just sat there, weeping and screaming until, for the second time in a month or so, a nurse jabbed a needle into my neck and I passed out.
The memory ended, but my tears did not. They continued to stream down my face, leaking into my mouth and tasting salty as I pressed my hand against my mouth to keep my sobs quiet.
The door to the closet opened, and then Yvette was cradling me in her arms, whispering soothing words to me.
I tried to push her away, but she didn’t move. Instead, she pulled me back into her arms, not saying anything, and just sitting there with me while I cried.
Why didn’t they understand? I wanted to die. That was all I wanted anymore. I wanted to give up on living and kill myself.
But I couldn’t just die because I had promised him.
I had promised I wouldn’t kill myself. But if I couldn’t do that and end the misery, what should I do?
For the sake of his memory and my love for him, I wouldn’t break the promise. If there was some sort of afterlife for him, I didn’t want him to see me kill myself. Not after all we’d gone through and my promise not to. I just couldn’t. But that still didn’t answer my question. What should I do? How could I keep living without him?
***
“My Lady… Please…” Yvette coaxed. “Just take a small ride around the grounds. It would do you good.”
I had been at the large mansion for nearly three months, and after the first month, when I showed no signs of beginning to recover or do anything active, Yvette had taken to pestering me to do anything. Take a ride. Do some drawing or painting. Maybe embroider. Anything that involved activity, mental or physical.
I shook my head, burying my face in the soft silk of my pillowcase.
Yvette sighed, sitting beside me and rubbing my back. “Come now… You have to move on eventually, Mistress. I know he meant the world to you, but he wouldn’t have wanted you to behave like this. It would break Crypt’s poor heart if he saw you acting so.” She murmured.
I shook my head again, tears slipping into the pillowcase. “Yvette… I can’t… I can’t move on. And stop calling me ‘My Lady’ and ‘Mistress’. I’m not your Lady or your Mistress anymore. It’s just Dairdra.” I insisted.
I sat up to look at her, wiping away the tears with the back of my hand.
She smiled, patting my hand. “You’ll always be royalty, my Lady. And you’ll always be my Mistress. There’s no escaping it.”
“Why won’t you let me just forget all that and leave it behind? I don’t want to be what I was before. I hate how it reminds me of all the things I’ve lost. I just… I just want to be free of it all. I want to be normal. I don’t want to lead anyone or anything. Why can’t I just be me?” I whispered, tears sliding down my cheeks again.
“Take a ride, Mistress. It’ll help clear your head.” Yvette whispered back, patting my hand once more before standing. “I’ve already got your horse saddled up, and I’ll be coming along if you like. I packed a picnic.” She smiled, trying to entice me.
I looked down. Yvette was trying so hard. She really did care about me far more than I’d realized, and I didn’t want to let her down again. I’d said no to her activities to get my mind off Crypt so often in the last few months that she was beginning to take on a tone of weary resignation when we spoke. I sighed. “Fine. We can go.”
***
While we were eating our picnic, someone came flying over the hill on a black horse. When they drew closer, I saw it was Claudia.
My heart sank. Why had she come? Was there bad news from the kingdom? If she was here, it couldn’t mean anything good. And yet, a part of me was eager to know why she had come, to find out how my kingdom – no, it wasn’t my kingdom anymore, I reminded myself – was faring. I pushed that part of me down.
It had become more prominent lately in the last month or so as the crippling emotional pain of losing Crypt had lessened some. I still couldn’t understand why I cared. I had made the decision to move on and quit being Queen, but some part of me refused to let go. It whispered that I was making a mistake, and that I was simply running from the truth and my destiny. That part of me threw ever-increasing confusion into my mind as the days passed.
Claudia dismounted swiftly once she reached us. She smiled at me, and nodded to Yvette. “I need to speak with you, my Lady.”
I sighed. “Please… Just call me Dairdra.”
She waved it off. “With all due respect, you will always be my Lady… Your Highness, the kingdom needs you.”
I shook my head. “We’ve been through this. You can handle everything fine!”
She looked at me. “No, I cannot. You are your people’s Queen even out here where you think you’ve left it behind. The people want you back. They have been lodging complaints left and right, begging me to plead with you to return. So, I am pleading with you. They need you, my Lady. Return to us. Please… You cannot escape your birthright or your heritage. You were brought up for this. You are the best person for this job.”
I plucked at the vibrant green grass beneath me. “I don’t know… I…” Part of me withdrew from her. I didn’t want to move on. I still missed Crypt too much, and a part of me still felt like dying.
But the other part of me pushed for reform, for recovery. It whispered to me that moving on was the only way. That it was what Crypt would’ve wanted. I sat in confusion for a few moments.
“So? Will you return?” Claudia asked.
I looked up, startled from my reverie. “I… I don’t know… I can’t… I don’t think…” I stuttered.
Claudia shook her head. “My Lady, I meant what I said. We need you. Without you, the kingdom is going to fall apart. Already, people are getting impatient and starting to cause trouble because they want you back. You are their hero because you brought them through the war with Cyril and you negotiated a new peace between our countries. You kept them safe with a minimal amount of bloodshed. They love you for it. Please…”
I shook my head slowly, trying to clear my thoughts. “I… Can I come back? I mean… I thought when I left that I was leaving for good, but…”
Claudia laughed softly. “Of course you can come back. Honestly, I’m here to beg you to return not just for the people, but for my sake too. I’m going mad trying to rule the country. I wasn’t raised for it. You were. Argent needs you to do your part, your job.”
Still, I hesitated. But more of me was listening to what she was saying now.
Claudia was right.
I did need to move on.
I pulled back.
No. Moving on meant letting go of Crypt. I wouldn’t do that.
But, did it really mean letting go of him? Another part of my mind whispered that it didn’t. That part of my mind was becoming stronger.
Slowly, it dawned on me. At first, I had wanted to die. That was all I had wanted. But over the last few months since I came here, that part of me had been diminishing. And when it was diminishing, another part was growing at the same time. The will to live.
I didn’t really want to die anymore. I still hurt deeply because of Crypt’s death, but it no longer held the same devastation as it had before.
Not only that, Claudia’s words showed me something for the first time. For so long, I had felt helpless, useless. I had believed that no one needed me. But my people needed me. They wanted me back.
And now, I thought I might be strong enough to handle it. Because, now I knew, I had faced all of my fears.
And I had won.
I hadn’t given in to any of them.
I nodded softly, feeling my throat tightening. Giving a weak smile, I managed a tight, “Yes. I’ll come back.”
Then I started sobbing. But it was the first time in a year that I wasn’t crying because I was sad.
I was crying because I was relieved. Happy. Finally at peace and safe.
Claudia and Yvette both enveloped me in a tight hug, making me feel supported as well. My tears flowed harder.
I still didn’t know why I had been through what I had. I didn’t understand why it had to happen to me. Why I had to suffer out of all the other people who could’ve.
But I did understand that it had made me better. So despite everything it did to me, despite the pain and heart-ache, despite the brokenness it caused within me, I was glad. I was thankful for it. Because it had enabled me to become what I was meant to be for real.
There was no pretense anymore.
I was my people’s Queen, and it was time I acted like it.
I was going back. I would be the Queen of Argent.
I would move on.
I would live.
And in that moment, I let go.
I let go of Crypt and the agony within me.
I let go of all the bitterness within me.
A part of Crypt would always be with me. No one who loses a loved one ever fully lets go of every piece of them. I wouldn’t let go of my memories of Crypt or of his love even if I could.
But I was free.
It was his parting gift to me. My life. My freedom.
And I would not waste it.
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