In Darkness Lost (10 page)

I sat up in bed, yawning. The light spilled through my window, setting my silver highlights ablaze. The warmth of it was surprising given that it was winter, but it was welcome. I wanted to sink back into the soft, silken coverlets and go back to sleep.

I had been up late last night going over reports, and I hadn’t gotten much rest. If only I could have just a few more hours… I sank down under the covers again, flipping away from the brilliant light from the window. But just as I closed my eyes, Yvette came in.

“Time to get up, my Queen! It’s a new day, and you’re to leave with Crypt today, in case you forgot.”

I started upright. I had forgotten that I was to go to the front again with Crypt. Throwing off the covers, I jumped out of bed. “Well, let’s hurry up then. Where are my clothes?” I looked around for the basket where I kept my soiled clothing. But there was nothing in it.

“Wash day, My Lady. You’ll have to wear this.” She bustled over to me and handed me my outfit: a grey wool shirt, a short green wool cloak, a pair of brown cotton pants, and leggings.

While I slipped into them, she pulled out my leather boots and a pair of warm socks. More wool.

I put on everything she gave me without complaint, and then I headed down to meet Crypt.

He was waiting at the gate for me. “Shall we walk a bit before we must go, My Lady?”  

I nodded, smiling at him and the guards.

The guards started to follow, but I waved them off. “I’ll be fine. Crypt will be enough to protect me.”

He didn’t respond, but smiled back at me instead.

The guards backed off, dipping their heads in acknowledgement of my wishes.

I ran to catch up with Crypt, who had begun to stride off as soon as I took care of the guards.

When I caught up with him, I was puffing a little. “Crypt! Slow down…”

He slowed, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Why did… you… want to walk before… we left instead of… just going?” I gasped, holding my side as I attempted to ease the stitch I’d developed from the short run in the freezing air.

He smiled at me.

His smile was so warm and loving that it could melt anything. I was convinced of it because it was doing a very good job of melting my heart.

“I just wanted a little private time with you.”

We rounded a bend into a small copse of trees, whose green needles brushed playfully at my cheek.

He stopped then, out of sight of the guards. With a gentle caress, he brushed a stray hair off my cheek, tucking it back behind my ear. “We have so little time together.” He murmured.

I leaned against him. “I know.” I whispered.

He put his arms around me, kissing me. It was almost as if he were distracted, though. He wasn’t attentive to me or the kiss. What was preoccupying him anyway? His luminous eyes were so sad and distant.

“What’s the matter, Crypt?” I brushed the back of my hand across his cheek.

He looked down into my eyes. “What makes you think there’s something wrong?” There was a hint of worry in his voice.

I didn’t know what to make of it. “Well, you sound worried, and when you kissed me just now, you weren’t paying any attention to me or the kiss. You’ve been so preoccupied lately. Why?”

His lips pressed together in a firm line, and he looked away from me. “I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, Dairdra.”

I put my hands on either side of his face. “Crypt Valldresson, I won’t take no for an answer. You tell me what’s wrong.” I kissed him hard on the mouth for a moment. When I withdrew, I murmured to him in a softer tone. “I love you, Crypt. Please don’t shut me out. That would break my heart.”

He shook his head. “I’m not shutting you out, but every person is entitled to a secret or two, Dairdra.”

I looked down. “Crypt… Whatever your secret is, it’s bad. I can tell because it’s been eating you up to deal with it alone. Please, why won’t you tell anyone?”

“Because it could hurt a lot of people, Dairdra. And the best way I can think of to avoid hurting anyone is to keep the secret. It is a secret after all.” He smiled at me.

My heart broke, and a tear slid down my cheek in spite of my attempts to keep it at bay. Pressing tighter against him, I hugged him. “You don’t have to deal with this alone, Crypt. If you ever want someone to bear it with you, I’m here.”

“Thank you.” He whispered, lowering his head to kiss me.

I leaned into the kiss, savoring it for the few moments while it lasted. If only I could just forget about the war. Things would be so much easier on everyone if some people weren’t such greedy power grabbers and left well enough alone.

I sighed. Such things were not to be. I couldn’t escape this no matter how much I wanted to.

“Crypt, I think we spent our ten minutes.”

He grinned. “And then some. Why? Anxious to leave?”

I shook my head. “No, but then, if I could, I’d just disappear into the woods with you and never ever come back here.”

He looked at me, serious now. “You would do that if I came with you?”

I smiled. “If you came with me. But that can’t happen. Not while I have a people to protect.”

He smiled back, sadness tingeing his face and smile. “If you were ever free of that duty, would you go?”

My smile wavered. “Crypt, I won’t be free of it, so how could I say?”

He ducked his head. “Dairdra, we have to accept the fact that this war might not end in our favor. If it ends in defeat, you won’t have that duty, and you might have to flee for your life.”

I shook my head. “If Cyril wins, I die.”

His grip on my arms tightened.

The dark woods loomed behind him, and he looked frightening in that setting.

“You won’t die. I refuse to let it happen. If it takes my life to keep you alive, then that’s what it takes.” His voice was harsh and quiet.

“Crypt…” I whispered.

He pulled me into his arms, tightening his embrace, refusing to let go.

I laid my head down on his shoulder, my hands pressed flat against his chest. “Crypt…” I tried again.

He pressed a finger to my lips. “Don’t. Don’t say what you’re going to say. I don’t want to hear it.”

“But we can’t ignore…” This time his hard, passionate kiss cut me off.

He really didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t like that he was cutting it off, but like he’d said earlier, we didn’t have much time left together if the war didn’t turn out well.

***

It turned out that my sense of foreboding was prophetic. As soon as we got back, Captain Choric came flying towards us before Crypt had the chance to transport us.

“My Lady, terrible news from the front!”

I sighed. More terrible news. It seemed that I attracted all sorts of attention. Just not the good kind. “What is this terrible news, Captain?”

“Cyril has broken through our lines! The Court Mage’s barriers failed to keep them out!” Captain Choric gasped.

I almost fainted. This was too much to handle.

Crypt’s steady hand held my elbow, keeping me upright.

“Can they be intercepted?” I whispered.

Captain Choric gave a grim smile. “Yes, but we don’t have enough soldiers to handle them. They have killed all the men in multiple outposts and their armies are pouring through, more every day. We can’t hope to stem the tide. The soldiers have already been dispatched to go to the front where the Cyrillian forces have been located by our spies.”

“Is there anything further we can do?”

He shook his head. “No. And, My Lady, I think we should prepare to evacuate the capital on a moment’s notice.”

I nodded, distracted. “Yes, yes. Do that.”

“With all due respect, My Lady, we need you here. Perhaps you should postpone the journey. The outpost you were planning to visit has fallen anyway as well as most of the smaller, outlying outposts.”

I nodded again. “Yes. You’re right.” I turned to Crypt. “Do you know why your defenses failed?”

He shook his head. “They shouldn’t have. The only way that Cyril could get in would be to have a mage equal to or greater in strength than I am.”

I turned back to Captain Choric. “Start trying to find out what happened to the defenses.”

He nodded, saluted, and headed off at a run.

As soon as he was gone, my knees buckled. Crypt caught me as I blacked out.  

I stood in the blisteringly cold wind, guilt-ridden and pain-wracked as I stared at the lines of soldiers marching through the towns of the Capital. I was the cause of this problem. Now many of my countrymen would die because I was selfish and wanted so badly to save both my sister and Dairdra.

I hated myself then for being a coward that didn’t have the courage to stand up for justice when things were most dangerous. For a few moments, I wanted to call to Dairdra, who stood a few feet away also watching, to call off the armies. I wanted to confess to her what I’d done and tell her that the battle wasn’t worth fighting anymore. Not when she had a traitor like me in her midst and she would lose anyway. Better to remain alive.

But I didn’t cross the distance between us to tell her. Instead I stood there, watching as the soldiers marched on to the battle lines a day’s journey from the Capital. Since Captain Choric had brought news of the defeat of our front defenses – my doing, I knew – we had watched as Cyril plowed through our forces, easily gaining ground. Our men struggled hard, but they weren’t prepared to fight. There were very few among us who knew real war.

Dairdra watched in desperation. I watched in guilt and resignation.

She walked over to me. “Crypt?”

I looked over at her, seeing the rigid posture she was maintaining and her clenched fists. Her eyes were haunted and distant.

“Yes?”

“We’re all going to die, aren’t we?” She leaned heavily against the stone parapet.

“No, of course not! How could you imagine that?” I looked at her, eyes wide.

A tear trickled down her cheek but she brushed it away hastily. “Because, Crypt. Haven’t you seen how easily Cyril has torn through our defenses and our armies? How could you imagine it would be otherwise?” Her voice was steel, but I caught a slight tremor behind the words.

“But why would that mean we’ll die?” I asked, frowning.

She gazed at me, making me feel stupid for asking in the first place. “Crypt, you can’t deny what has happened here. Those army that King Vill has amassed will be here within a day. The men we’re sending out now, I’m sending them all to their doom. They won’t survive. We all know it. They know it too. But they are determined not to let their country go down without a fight. So I send them, hoping desperately that perhaps they will stop Cyril’s tide.” She looked away, whispering then. “But I don’t believe it will. And when it fails, the Cyrillian King will execute me.”

“Don’t say that…” My voice broke. “You aren’t going to die.”

She gave me a suspicious frown. “Crypt, you can’t promise something like that. Besides, I’m not the only one they’ll kill. You’re a threat too, and a much larger one than I. They’ll target you first.”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t say what I was thinking.
They won’t have to kill me because they already have me under their thumb. I can do nothing that they do not want me to do because if I do, they’ll kill my sister.

She leaned against me, shivering in the wind. I wrapped my arm around her waist, wishing I could enjoy the time we had left. But I couldn’t. I knew very well what would occur when she found out what I had done.

***

I was sitting up gazing out my window when the news came. It was about twelve of the clock and stars twinkled outside my window in the clear winter sky.

Dairdra burst in, wrapping her arms around me. I hugged her back, feeling her hot tears soaking into my shirt. “They broke our line, didn’t they?” My voice was a ragged whisper.

She nodded, weeping. “I knew they would. And they’ll be here in just a week.” She took a shuddering breath, trying to compose herself enough to speak. “We only have another half a million men to field when they come. Cyril has over three million. Crypt, I’m scared…” She buried her face against my chest.

I tightened my embrace around her. “I know. Me too.” And it was true.

For the first time, I was worried that Cyril’s king might not keep his promise to let Dairdra live. I was afraid that maybe, after all my suffering and treachery, he might kill her anyway. But I pushed the nagging thoughts away. He’d promised, and I would get Dairdra out before it was too late.

We stood there, comforting each other in silence.

I was weeping too, I realized. I had caused so much pain and grief to the person I cared the most about, not to mention the countless lives I’d spent just to keep my sister and Dairdra alive.

What right had I to decide that it was okay to sacrifice those soldiers just to save the two women I loved most in the world? Had they agreed to it? Had they even had any say in the matter? Of course not. I was a murderer.

The realization of this almost caused me to collapse. Dairdra felt the change. She looked up into my eyes, tears streaming down her face. “Crypt, I don’t know what your secret is, but it isn’t going to do anyone any harm now. We’re both going to die anyway. Please…” She brushed a strand of my dark hair out of my face. “Tell me. Don’t die without getting such a burden off your chest.”

I looked down into her face. “What makes you assume it’s a burden?” I still couldn’t tell her. When it was all over, I would tell her. I didn’t care if it meant my death for treason or her eternal hatred. I wouldn’t keep such a thing from her.

She wiped a few of my tears away with her thumb. “I think that because every time I speak to you, there’s a deep pain in your eyes. And you have already admitted that there is a secret. A burden that you bear that you will share with no one. Now it doesn’t matter. It will hurt no one now.”

I shook my head, the tears still streaming down my face. “I can’t.” I whispered.

Her eyes were wide, and she whispered back. “What is so horrible that you would take it to your grave without telling even those who love you most?”

I laughed, the sound bitter. “That’s exactly it. It is so horrible that I wouldn’t burden you with it if we’re both going to die. I don’t want you to die knowing what I know.”

She smiled, but it was filled with sorrow. “And if I’m going to die, I want to know so that we can both die at peace.”

“I’m sorry, Dairdra. I can’t tell you.”

“You said it was because it could hurt someone. Well, it can’t now!” Her voice was rising, and she was sobbing again.

I shook my head again. “You’re wrong. It can hurt someone still. It can hurt you.” I turned away from her, letting her go.

She was silent for a while, her weeping the only sound in the room. She sank down in the one chair in the room.

I remained standing beside the window, unwilling to turn. If I saw the heated tears of grief rolling down her cheeks, I would break. And right now, I couldn’t afford to do that.

When her weeping stopped, I turned to her. She looked at me for a moment, and then she spoke, her voice barely a whisper. “I never wanted to be the cause of your grief.”

I shook my head, a sad smile hovering on my lips. “You aren’t the cause of it.”

“Yes, I am. You keep your secret inside you because it would hurt me. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t need to keep the secret, and you wouldn’t be in so much pain.” She whispered, a lone tear glittering on her cheek in the brilliant beam of moonlight lancing across the room.

I didn’t respond. She was half-right. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t need to keep the secret, yes. But what she couldn’t know was that if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t
have
the secret.  

I sat down on my bed, watching her. “It’s alright. You can’t help who you are any more than I can change who I am.”

She nodded. “Still, I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “Don’t be. You can’t change it even if you want to.”

She didn’t answer, but instead came to sit beside me on the bed. She took my hands in hers, leaning her head on my shoulder. Neither of us spoke for a long time.

Then she stirred, whispering into the silence. “I suppose we won’t marry and have a happily-ever-after now.”

“I guess not.” I whispered back, my heart constricting.

But I didn’t weep again. I didn’t feel much of anything at that moment. The pain was so great that I shut it out, afraid to allow myself to experience it.

Dairdra wrapped her arms around my neck, kissing me. “When we die, I want you to know, I loved you very greatly, Crypt. And I always will.”

I wrapped my arms around her waist. “I know… And whatever happens, you know I love you too, right?”

She smiled at me. “Of course I do, Crypt… But you almost sound as if you believe that I’ll survive and you won’t.”

“I have no illusions about our respective chances of survival.” I whispered, kissing her. “And to my last breath, I’ll do whatever I can to keep you alive. Even if it means my own death. I promise you that…”

She stopped my words with a finger against my lips. “I don’t want to live if you die. It wouldn’t be living if you did. It would be like living that moment of death repeatedly. I’ll kill myself before I let that happen.”

I shook my head, kissing her harder this time. “Don’t you dare! I’m not going to die saving you only to have you kill yourself because I’m dead. You promise me, right now, that if I die, you’ll keep going. You’ll move on, and you won’t let go of life?” I whispered.

She bit her lip, uncertain. “You’re the only person left who matters to me in life, Crypt. I don’t know if I could…”

“Promise me!” I pressed.

She wouldn’t die. I would keep her alive no matter the cost. But it wouldn’t mean anything if she killed herself because she thought she couldn’t live without me. Besides, she wouldn’t feel that way when she knew what a traitor I was.

“I promise.” She finally whispered.

I smiled. “Thank you.” I put my hands on either side of her face, kissing her again with tenderness.

I wanted the kiss to last forever. We only had another week or so tops before Cyril would win, and I wanted to spend as much of that time showing her my love as I could. She didn’t move away, and I deepened the kiss, wishing that I could freeze the moment and live it forever. If I could, she would love me for the rest of time, and I would never lose her. But it wasn’t possible.

I let her go after a few moments. I felt chilled when she moved away. As though, already, though I hadn’t yet lost her, she was already gone. I wanted to call her back into my arms and never let go. But I didn’t. Not everything I wanted was possible or even good for me.

She stood up, taking in a deep breath. “I have to go now. I shouldn’t be here at night. It creates bad images and rumors.”

I laughed, the sound soft on the silence in the room. “Who cares? Dairdra, you already believe you’re going to die. So why would it matter? Your reputation is worthless if you’re dead.”

She smiled at me. “Maybe I won’t die. Maybe you’ve given me hope again.”

“Me? Give you hope?” I laughed again, but this time it wasn’t soft or amused. It was filled with all my bitterness and pain. “I don’t have any of my own hope. I have no way to give any to anyone else.”

She shook her head. “I know you love me, and now I know that you’re really fighting on my side. With you at my side, we can’t lose, can we?”

I smiled, my heart grim. “You didn’t believe I was fighting on your side before?”

“I did. But… I don’t know… There was this fear in my heart, this small piece of me that whispered that maybe I didn’t have your heart. That maybe your dark secret had some part of you that I’d never have.” She whispered, voice shaking. “But I see that was foolish now.”

This time my smile was genuine. I stood up, walking over to her and putting my hands on her hips and drawing her close against me. “You have owned my heart ever since I saw you. It’s yours to do with as you like.”

She brushed the back of her hand against my face and I savored the smooth coolness of the touch. She continued to trace her fingers along my face. “I’m not sure I know what to do with it now that I have it, though.” She murmured, her soft smile still playing on her lips.

I smirked. “I don’t know what you should do with it either. Be careful with it?” I teased, twirling a strand of her hair around my fingers.

She grinned. “Your love, your heart… It’s a precious thing. I would never treat it with anything apart from the most studious care.” She took her hand away from my face, putting her arms around my neck instead.

“You’re the first person I would pick to give my heart to.” I whispered.

With a last kiss, I let her go, feeling empty and sad as I watched her walk down the hall. Oh, what had I done? I was off the deep end. I couldn’t handle it anymore.

But I had to. I had to see the thing through. This was my war now too, whether I liked it or not. The question was, if it came down to it, where would my loyalties lie? Would the king hold up his end of our bargain? And if he didn’t, what would happen? Could I choose between my sister’s life and Dairdra’s? When I first made my deal with the king for Dairdra’s life, I had believed I could. Now I was uncertain.

Burying my head in my hands, I wept until I fell asleep. The decisions before me were too terrible to make, but make them I would.