Impulse (5 page)

I want to ask her if bleach got the tub white, if Bryan still has nightmares, bubbling red with blood. I want to ask if she has visited Mama, where no one wants to go. Instead I say, "You're right, Grandma. We'll come through fine." Then I ask, "Have you heard from Daddy?" 111

116

Just got a letter
from Afghanistan.

He couldn
'
t tell me

much, of course.

Rangers keep tight

lips. He c safe but won
'
t he home any

time soon. He sends

you and Bryan his love.

He always loved us better from a distance, especially Mama, something she found hard to swallow. So she found something easier to swallow. Which reminds me. "Does Daddy know about Mama?" 112

117

Trading Secrets

Sounds intriguing, and I see Dr. Boston again today. Saturday--no rest for the wicked, which must include me.

I've been thinking about her deal. Can the good doctor

have a secret worth knowing-- a true glimpse of the real Dr. B?

I do want to gain her trust. But first I have to think about my own secrets, pretty damn bad to worst.

There is the major one,
really
major, in fact, about Emily, and exactly what kind of person she happens to be.

There are a couple about Cara, my evil twin, things I have done to keep her out from under my skin. 113

118

There is the awful one, the surrogate mother of all

secrets, you might say. No, I'll

tell
any
other secret but that.

It's psychological tug-of-war. Finally I decide the best way out is to tell her more about my mad adoration for a woman twice my age. I can only hope the price tag isn't too steep.

119

My Escort Arrives

Someone short and sour smelling, someone new-- the weekend shift, no doubt. No telling who'll open my

door without knocking next.

Ready? Dr. Boston is waiting.
She doesn't offer a name, just a steady stare.

I haven't a clue what's behind that ice-cube gaze. "Hi, I'm Conner. Would you mind telling me your name?"

Can
'
t you read? It
'
s right here on my name badge: Kate!
She's practically yelling. Anger? Fear? Of me?

Whatever. I've got my own fear to deal with. The hallway buzzes today--kids, adults. As I veer toward Dr. B's 115

120

office, I hear shards of conversation inside a conference room. The door is open, an invitation to listen.
Does Daddy know about Mama?
Such sorrow in the voice, I hesitate, wanting to find out the answer.

Kate shoves me past before the reply. Seconds later a girl sweeps into the hall. Behind me, I hear her cry and I turn, wanting to see her face. It's a gift, despite the sadness etched there. What brought her to this place? 116

121

No Time to Figure Her Out Now

Dr. B is waiting for me, a knockout in knockoff designer suede. The cut of the suit leaves little doubt about her luscious figure. I've got to stop thinking that
way,
or I won't have a shot at controlling

this situation. Maybe I won't anyway. Hell's bells, maybe despite my plans I don't really want control.

A light must have gone on in my eyes, because Dr. B suddenly gives me a wry smile. What
is it, Conner?

I shake my head. "Nothing. Just thinking about control and how my need for it seems to be shrinking." 117

122

Her smile grows wider.
Oh, I doubt that, Conner Now, what did you decide about confiding secrets?

My eyes lower to the V of her blouse. "You have to go first, but I guess I'm ready to play your game."

Okay. When I was younger than you, but old enough
to know right from wrong,

I had sex with a teacher too.

She knew? 118

123

Hands Sweating

I walk, heel-touch-toe, toward Room C-6 where I'm told I'll find Tony Sr. I stroll slowly, making him wait, like he made me wait all this time.

As I round the corner Vanessa comes hustling along the sticky floor, eyes glistening. I wonder what stroke of luck has put us both in this space.

"Hey, Vanessa, you okay?" She doesn't look okay, but we won't have much time for small

talk before someone notices we're here. Alone. 119

124

Vanessa sniffles,
Not really, but thanks for asking. Why do they make you see your family when all you want to do is curl up in a little ball?

"They call it therapy, sweetie. Don't you feel cured?" I laugh and she tries too. "I'm off to see my own warped next of kin. Feel better."

I start to skip and, a half smile in her voice, Vanessa calls,
I already do. And Tony? I
'
ll keep my fingers crossed that things go better for you than they did for me.
120

125

Crossed Fingers

Are not enough. Dread sledgehammers my gut as I approach the door. Inside, I hear voices: Dr. Bellows's grunt and a stranger's whine.

The coward in me wants to turn around, but screw him. The kid inside wants to see his dad again, and the avenger wants to grill him alive.

I step through the door, and the man who turns to face me looks nothing at all like I remember. His hair is silver--how old is he, anyway?-- 121

126

and his weepy eyes are shrunk back into skin like alligator hide. Will I look like this person one day? He can't really be my father, can he?

He stands and holds out a hand to me.
Hello, Anthony. Long time no see. You sure have changed! How have you been?

All the stuff I wanted to say slips from my brain like oil-slicked turds. I stutter, "H-hello, Pa. I'm okay, I guess." I even shake his hand. 122

127

I Draw the Line

At hugging him, though. Shit, I haven't hugged anyone since Phillip. The last time was in the hospital, when I hugged him good-bye.

Pa tries, and I duck, slumping into a chair. He does likewise, eyes never leaving my face. Then we sit, silent as death, until Dr. Bellows says,

I gather it
'
s been quite a while since the two of you have seen each other. How do you feel about that, Tony?
He squirms in his own chair. 123

128

The question stings like alcohol. "You're the psychologist. How do you think it makes me feel? Deserted. Unworthy. Fuck it. I'm pissed."

Finally, Pa looks away.
I
'
m sorry, Anthony. I know I should have been there for you. It was a difficult situation, all the way around.

Difficult? For him? My hands shake and my face erupts fire. I struggle to find words worthy of the emotions churning inside, in desperate need of release. 124

129

Seeing Grandma

Made me want to go home, made me want to stay here, made me miss her and Bryan and Daddy. Made me scared to think about Mama again, and how I left her that day. Blue. I should be tumbling low and blue, but instead I'm swinging the other way.

I'd rather be going blue, where no eyes can find me. I think about the eyes I saw today--

Grandma's, hopeful, then nothing but sad and confused. Dr. Starr's, ringed by sleeplessness. Tony's, a strange jumble of anticipation and fear. That other boy's, curious 120

130

Who is he, anyway? I haven't seen him in group, not in the cafeteria, not in the classroom. He must be new, new and gorgeous, the kind of guy every girl

dreams will want her, but it never quite works

out that way. So why did he look like he might want to get to know me?

There is another pair of eyes too, eyes that never saw the light.

Little eyes, that haunt me deep in the night.

131

Mania Blossoming

My brain won't quit churning. I keep seeing pictures, like movies. Faces. Eyes. Hands. Bodies. My body, next to Trevor's. That's what I'm seeing. He wasn't my first, wasn't my only, but he made me feel how none of the rest could. How I wish he was here no to put out this fire, this low bank of coals, smoldering between my legs. But Trevor isn't next to me, never will be again.

I can
'
t deal with your

freaky mood swings,

Vanessa. One minute

you
'
re solid, the next

you
'
re like water

Boiling water. I love

you. But not enough to stay with you.
127

132

His words were fists, pounding my belly, snatching the air from my lungs.

I couldn't talk, couldn't breathe, so how could I answer? He turned his back, walked away, and I wanted to die right there. Instead I went home, where my hungry new razor blade lay in wait.

133

I Hurried Home That Day

Salivating for steel, the cold caress of metal, skin at the mercy of my own hands. I could still taste Trevor. He kissed me before he dumped me, and my mouth held ghosts of tobacco and Budweiser. I expected the house to be empty-- Grandma at work and Bryan just about ready to climb onto the school bus for an hour ride home. But when I opened the door,

I heard voices in the kitchen-- one voice, actually. Mama's.
You can
'
t hurt me now, not anymore. Why couldn
'
t you just leave me alone? It
'
s cold here, very cold. Will it be like this forever?
129

134

I didn't want her to know I was there, not while she was talking to air, but it was eighty degrees in Grandma's

house. And why was she there, anyway? I tiptoed toward the kitchen, peeked around the doorjamb. Saw her lying on the floor, an empty pill bottle near her quiet form. I walked over, looked down into her unfocused eyes, saw

something resembling peace.

I should have called 911. Instead, I backed slowly away, exited out the front

door. 130

135

Dr. B Is Psychic?

Or have I given more away than I can recall? I lose my smile. "How did you know? What did I say?"

You didn
'
t say a thing. But Emily Sanders did. You tried to kill yourself What did you think she
'
d do?

I never thought that she'd confess, open herself to the authorities, the school board, the press.

I
'
m not surprised you didn
'
t

know. We keep things rather

insular here. But I just couldn
'
t see us making

progress unless you found out. Since it
'
s all in the open out there, I hope you
'
ll talk about it in here.
131

136

I shrug. "Do you want details? The way she cries when I kiss her, or how she never fails to orgasm?

Or maybe you'd like to hear how sunlight dances, bronze upon her hair, how she begs me to pull her hair, to excite her."

Details, yes. But not like those. I want to know how

you felt after and why you

chose a woman twice your age.
132

137

She Set Herself Up

"You mean someone like you, with experience, someone beautiful and willing? Do you think it's a myth that guys

my age want to learn how to please a woman? Sex with a high school girl is like screwing a deep freeze."

I
'
m not sure you could label me
"
willing,
"
Conner. But I can
'
t say that I
'
m unable to understand an attraction to someone older It true that I had a relationship with a teacher first as a shoulder to cry on when my life went totally crazy. Caring turned to passion, but we never meant for that to happen.
133

138

"It was the exact opposite for me. At first all I wanted was sex with her, but soon I wanted more.

More sex, yes, in unusual places, and all different kinds.

But that wasn't all. I wanted her to fill the empty spaces

left by a father who never once praised me, 'friends' who used me, an ice princess mom who raised me with glass kisses." 134

139

I Can't Believe

She got me to say all that, pried open my lips for such truth to spill out. Dr. Boston has managed a total eclipse of Conner the Silent. Flushed, I chance a glimpse of her eyes, find sympathy in their gray, fluid trance.

Define
'
glass kisses,
'
Conner. I want...
urn...
I don
'
t understand what you mean.
Nervous hands

defy her nonchalant tone.

Conner the Silent shrugs, gives way to Conner the Eclipsed. "Smooth. Cold. Flawless. Tasteless. Glass. Agate. Sugarless sorbet."

She mulls that for a second, shakes her head, frees blond

feathers.
Glass and agate are hard.

Not so sorbet. Please explain.
135

140

My turn to think, to try and unravel my own riddle. Every inch of me feels weighted, like I'm treading gravel.

"My mother is the hardest woman ever--cool, perfect. She'd be a diamond, except you'll never melt one of those.

Sometimes, rarely, influenced by full moon or emptiness, she'll rain a single kiss, monsoon on desert, melting

glass." 136

141

Want to Jump Up

Leap across the room, grab my pa by the neck and choke him until he owns up--confesses why he can't stand the thought of me.

Okay, that's not such a great idea, so I shove it back into my dream cabinet, the one I dare open only when I sleep. Lots of bad ideas in there.