Impulse (10 page)

She swings a wide right toward the dining hail, mutters under her breath,
Damn if I
'
ll

take the fall for this one.
260

265

Not Again

This room is a setting for lunacy. Paul and Kate have a couple of guys down on the floor. One is Stanley.

That dude is a walking time bomb, always ready to detonate, even when his demeanor is calm.

So there he is, under Paul's substantial knee. Little Kate has proven she's more than the mouse she appears to be.

And to my right, just inside the door, Tony is holding Vanessa like they're an item. There's definitely more to that relationship than one might guess. As Dr. Starr

storms into the room, they pull

apart, press back against the wall. 261

266

I join them. "So, did you guys get to see any of the action? I was stuck in the confessional. Can you tell me what happened?"

We
'
re guessing it was a meth bust,
Tony says.
They hauled Todd out of here in handcuffs. The rest is just Stanley.

We watch Dr. Bellows and Dr. Starr extricate Stanley from Paul's grasp. Another bizarre day at

Aspen Springs. 262

267

Rumors Travel Fast

We hear from Justin, who heard from Dahlia, who heard from who knows who, that Todd's supplier was his brother, who stashed the meth in a hollow-handled toothbrush. How this deception was discovered will be debated for weeks. "Probably a random pee test, don't you think?"

That, or his brother got busted and turned narc,
Conner says. Vanessa has another theory.
Maybe guilt got the best of him.
263

268

Conner and I just laugh. "Cranksters rarely feel guilty about what they do. More likely, he felt proud of himself--smug, even-- for getting away with it."

Yeah, until the dog came through the door,
Conner adds.
Then he probably felt like a total dumb shit. Jeez, he
'
d already made Level Three, hadn
'
t he?

"Yes, and hey, guess what! I did too. Dr. Boston told me yesterday."
Me too,
says Vanessa.
I hope that means o trip out of here soon.
264

269

I Don't Tell Them

The one condition of my newly acquired Level Three status-- a successful interaction with my father, who's coming to visit tomorrow.

To quit stressing over the thought, I ask, "Do you have visitors coming?" Vanessa answers,
My grandma will be here. Can
'
t wait to see her

Conner nods, stiff as a mannequin.
My mother has finally agreed to come. I
'
d rather not see her, but have to, to make Level Three.

"You haven't seen her yet? How long have you been here?" 255

270

Six weeks, give or take. She hasn
'
t even asked to see me until now

Vanessa snorts.
Sounds like your mom is almost as wonderful as mine.
"Neither of them could be half as screwed up as mine was," I say.

We
'
ll have to compare notes one day,
Conner says.
You in, Vanessa?
Face the color of death, she replies,
Talking about Mama makes her real.
266

271

Major Insight

In only six words. "Well, someday we'll swap stories." I offer Vanessa my most engaging smile, and she tries to return it.

Conner plays the game, plays it well.
No need to swap, really. I
'
ve got stories enough for all of us. And f I include my dad, that will keep us

entertained for hours. Oh, hey. Speaking of entertainment, here come the fine doctors, looking rather distressed. Suppose dinner will be late?
267

272

I'd say that is a given. Drs. Starr and Bellows sweep across the room, faces red and chests puffing. Bodies move to let them by, a wave of agitation.
All right, everyone, back to your rooms,
commands Dr. Starr.
Dinner will be a little late tonight, but I promise you won
'
t go hungry.

She's a regular sweetheart! People begin to shuffle past, and as Vanessa moves to join them, I reach for her hand. "Remember--you're not

alone." 268

273

Just Another Day

Trying to keep my head above water--the azure water I'm sliding down into now. Too much confusion. Too much upset. Too much time without a mood adjuster. I'm sure I'm not the only one, either. The Pill Patrol better put it in high gear.

Conner says he's been here for six weeks, which means I've been here at least seven, maybe closer to eight. And I don't feel better. Don't feel healed. Don't feel clearer. I could stay in a place like this forever and never get well. 269

274

You
'
re not alone,
Tony says, and I believe he believes that.
I
'
m here for you.
And I want to believe that, too.
Don
'
t cry, Vanessa.
But I can't help crying now. 270

275

I Will Admit

Through flowing tears that Tony has become more than a friend to me. He's a bright planet in the dark morning sky of my existence. Somehow seeing him, even with his varied flaws, buoys me with hope. I am better for knowing him.

Conner, too, although he's more like a faraway star, brilliant, but cold in his distance; beautiful in his perfection, but likely to burn too brightly, snuff himself out. I wonder where he came from, what random joining of energies created such complexity

My mother finally asked to see me,
Conner said, 271

276

and I wonder what kind of mother she is.
I
'
d rather not see her at all, but have to...
Now that I can relate to completely.
If I include stories about my dad, we
'
ll be entertained...

Stories about Daddy are the stuff movies are made of. 272

277

One Time He Came Come

For Christmas--an unusual event in itself. We probably saw him on holidays two or three times over the years. We worked and worked to make the house beautiful with paper chains, tinsel, dollar-store candles, candy canes, and a homemade gingerbread village.

Daddy arrived on Christmas Eve, arms laden with presents--wrapped in newspaper, cheered by colorful bows. We wanted to open them right then and there, but he made us wait until morning,
because the best things are worth waiting for.
We woke, filled with anticipation, ran to the Christmas tree. Daddy turned us around, made us march down the hail
with respect for the meaning of the day.
273

278

We sat on the floor, newspaper- wrapped presents in our laps, imagining all the wonderful things inside. We opened them carefully, peeling back layers of newsprint until we reached the boxes, sliced the Scotch tape with our fingernails, lifted the flaps, and each of us found...

One MRE (Meal, Ready to Eat-- turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce, in foil pouches); one Hershey bar; and a handful of bullet casings,
because this is what my men are getting today.
And one more thing: a scrap of paper with a hand-scrawled
I love you,

Dad.
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279

tossing and Turning

Every lump in this mattress a boulder against my back, every wrinkle in the sheets a two-by-four in my shoulder, sleep denied by the fear of what tomorrow's visit will bring. I squeeze my eyes shut, try to focus instead on the events of today, find some relief, conjuring Vanessa's face. But then visions of another face come, black-and-white, frame by frame, like in an old film noir. Dark, my love for her was very dark, a source of secret shame.

I get out of bed, go to the window, look out on a surreal scene--moonlight, and in its muted glow, hints 275

280

of lacy flakes. Late March, and snowing. Spring skiers

will be happy, but for me it means a growing sense of claustrophobia. To sleep, I swallow Ativan. Dr. B prescribed it when I

told her how nightmares keep

me awake. Every evening, they bring me two. Usually,

I take one, stash the other.

Tonight I pray three will do.

281

A Voice Rouses Me

It's Kate, rattling my bars.
Wake up, Sykes. It's almost eight and you missed breakfast. Dr Starr will give you a break

this time, mostly because
your parents are coming

today. Usually, missing a meal will score you a level drop. I know you don
'
t want that, so haul

your ass out of bed.
Her

arrogant tone is a taunt.

I rouse myself, try to clear the Ativan fog, lifting inside my head, leaving fear in its place.

Dreams I cannot remember have stirred another part of me. I decide to let Kate see. Without a word, I toss back 277

282

the blankets and climb from bed, pajamas pointing stiffly in Kate's direction. She just

smiles.
Was it something I said?

Your parents arrive at nine.

I suggest you get rid of that, one way or another, then get

dressed in something decent.

No problem. I need neither palm nor cold shower to shrivel me instantly. My mom is on her way. 278

283

Nine A.M. Exactly

I knock on Dr. Starr's door. Voices inside fade to black. Despite the rumpled Lauren, I reach for some semblance of pride.

Come in, Conner,
calls Dr. Starr, but my slippery hand fumbles the knob and it's Dad, on the far side of the door, who opens it, pulling me through and right up against him. It's the closest we've ever

been, two strangers touching.

Immediately, he comes to his senses, jerks backward.
H-hello, son. Good to see you.
Every muscle tenses, as if

I might try to hug him or something perverse like that. "Hello, Dad," I answer, also shifting into a quick reverse. 279

284

Will you please come inside and close the door?
Mom gives me a cold once-over.
I see you haven
'
t

learned to care for your clothes.

My face ignites and words steam from my mouth before I can stop them. "And I see you're still a supreme bitch."

She doesn't even blink.
Even a female dog wants her puppies

clean and wrinkle--free--unless, of course, she
'
s a Shar Pei.

Touché. 280

285

Breakfast Is Cold

Well, okay, the eggs are almost lukewarm, but the butterlike substance won't melt on the toast. Everything gags me, trying to go down.

The mood is cool, too. Too much excitement yesterday plus a late med delivery If everyone else feels like me, we all want to go back to bed.

And then, of course, we have visiting day to deal with. I guess a few of these freakazoids might like seeing their families come Saturday. 281

286

But my hunch is most of them find themselves here because of the scene back home. Someone had to check them in-- like who would volunteer?

Across the room, Vanessa picks at her eggs, like she's looking for bugs. She's sitting alone, like she always

does. Funny, 'cause most of the girls buddy up like hens.

I wonder what pain she's got bottled up inside, what

secrets she refuses to tell. I wonder if making her mother "real" is the only thing she's afraid of. 282

287

I've Got My Own

Fears to face in a few minutes, the main one being I'll blow it again. I didn't even realize how pissed I was at my dad until we were three feet apart.

Anthony, boy, you got the Ceccarelli temper
Ma always used to say.
Be careful, or it will burn you out early, just like your father.

One of the few things I do remember about him, in fact, was his temper. He'd come home to Ma's less--than-

mediocre housekeeping, 283

288

throw down his briefcase.
Emma? Turn off the TV and get your ass out here. What exactly do you do all day, besides soap operas?

That was when he thought soap operas was all she did. I knew about her playing around years before he did. Came home from school more than once to hear

bedsprings squeaking, disgusting human noises. Once or twice I got brave enough to crack the door and peek inside to see what no kid ever should. 284

289

But That's a Different Story

Than the one I'm going to tell now, with Dr. Boston mediating this time.
Please come in, Tony,
she says.
Sit right over there, next to your father

He doesn't stand this time, the "no hug" rule in effect. "Hello, Dad."
Hello, Anthony. First, I want to apologize for the last time I was here.

I shrug. "No worries. We both have some things to work through."
That
'
s why we
'
re here,
chirps the Widow.
Let
'
s start with you, Tony.

Can you tell us, in one sentence, why you
'
re so angry at your father?
285

290

One sentence, to sum up years of resentment? I will not cry! Will not!

"Because he chose not to be part of my life, not even when I needed him the most."
Fair enough. Can you respond to that in one sentence, Mr. Ceccarelli?

Dad thinks a second.
I stayed away because I couldn
'
t stomach the guilt

Communication. 286

291

Breakfast Is Lousy