I'Ll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails. - (4 page)

11.30am

Realised the permanent Sharpie I was drawing with had penetrated the paper and Simon’s desk now had eighteen penguins saying 'Hey' on it. Hunting for something to clean it with, I used the key Simon hides behind the framed photo of his cat Lady Diana to unlock his top drawer. Found Star Wars Lego.

Recreated the scene from the movie where, during a light-saber duel, Vader cuts off Luke's right hand, reveals that he is his father, and entreats him to convert to the dark side so they can rule the galaxy as father and son. Lost Luke's hand behind Simon's desk.

12.30pm

Chased and killed a bee in the office with Simon’s mousepad rolled into a tube while making light-saber noises. Closed Simon's window.

12.45pm

Thought about the bee’s family waiting expectantly at home for his return. Gave them names. Imagined Bradley rushing into his mother’s outstretched arms, bewailing, “I miss him so much” and Brenda replying, “I know Bradley, I miss him too.”

Performed ceremony. There was cake. Constructed a small funereal pyre on Simon's desk out of a paperclip, placed Ben's small lifeless body on top, mentioned his selfless determination to provide for his family, and set it alight.

Unfortunately, I was only into the first verse of Bohemian Rhapsody, the only church song I know, when Ben’s body popped like a corn kernel and flew behind the desk. Unsure if he was still alight, I poured coffee down after him. Realising nobody has ever been behind Simon’s desk due to its size and position against a rear wall, I also dropped the remains of the cake and the plate down the back to save me having to walk into the kitchen. Accidently knocked Simon's pencils down there as well. And then his mousepad.

3pm

Left for the day.

THURSDAY

12pm

Arrived at work.

1pm

Sat in Simon's chair without my pants on.

2pm

Left for the day.

FRIDAY

Called in sick. Went shopping. Bought a Keurig.

…………………………………………………

From: Simon Dempsey

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.29am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Thanks for the evidence dickhead. I emailed that to Jennifer and i changed my password. I am making a formal complaint. Stay off my computer or I will punch you in the throat. I am serious. Are you going to get my stuff out from behind the desk?

…………………………………………………

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.41am

To: Simon Dempsey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Dear Simon,

I wish I had the time. Some of us have work to do and time sheets to complete. I have attached today’s should you wish to also email to Jennifer.

Regards, David.

MONDAY

9am

Arrived at work. I feel it is important to set a good example for the other staff through promptness.

9.11am

Received a series of rather vicious emails from Simon, which began with accusations, insults, questions and demands, and degraded into actual threats of bodily harm. This was after I told him I had missed him while he was away. I find this unprovoked animosity disappointing and would have expected more from the employee of the month.

11.30am

Filled out these time sheets as it is part of the job and allows production to bill the client accordingly. Finding it difficult to concentrate on job priorities today due to the negative environment Simon has created, so will be leaving at lunch time.

…………………………………………………

From: Simon Dempsey

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.53am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Good. I wont have to see your ugly head if you go early. Youre the one who will get in trouble dickhead.

…………………………………………………

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 13 February 2012 12.09pm

To: Simon Dempsey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Humming the theme from Space 1999 and other Christmas classics

Forged almost entirely from thermoplastic polymers, this CD contains over 26 popular Christmas tracks such as the theme from that movie about the big boat and that other one about the two guys.

REVIEWS:

Thanks for the xmas present dichead. Is this really the kind of thing you do in your spare time? You need to get a life. I listened to about 1 second of it and threw it in the bin. Don't send me your stupid shit and I expect the stuff about me on the website to be deleted. I spoke to a lawyer and he said I could sue you for defamation.

Lucius Thaller, Courier

What the fuck is this supposed to be? I played it in the car on the way to work and it is just you humming. I put up with it for about 10 seconds and skipped to the next track and it is just more humming. The whole thing is you humming.

Simon Dempsey, Horse whisperer

Not interested in your rubbish. Next time you think "I will send Peter something stupid" just dont.

Peter Williams, Real Estate Agent

I got your CD in the post today. Is this really a whole CD of you humming? None of the songs on it are even Christmas songs apart from track 4 the one about the tree and I can hear you making a coffee and stirring it. Is this really my xmas present?

Mellissa Peters, Receptionist

How is the Neighbours theme a christmas song? And you called it "A song about people by that guy". Worst cd I have ever heard.

Jason Lowe, Magazine Editor

Thanks for the CD. Just thought you might like to know that you can hear a dog barking outside on the track called That exciting bit in Excalibur.

Jennifer Haines, Human Resources Officer

Davey. This disk of you humming is a joke? Nobody will buy a cd of someone humming. You are not even humming christmas songs. You should buy a guitar and I will teach you how to play.

Jon de Peinder, Designer

Man that is just sad. I lol'd and then I put it on and listened to it and I was embarrassed for you. Did you seriously sit there and hum the whole thing? I was pushing the next button every time you started humming. I don't even want it in the house in case someone accidentally plays it again.

Mark Pearcy, Designer

Hi, I got your cd in the post today. If this is really my present I hope you are not expecting anything good from me this year.

1. It is just humming.

2. The cover photo and track titles are just tragic.

3. It says Christmas but there are no christmas songs.

4. The back titles just say "that song from that thing" etc.

5. You can hear you washing dishes and stuff.

Jenny Leavesly, Photographer

Wow. More proof that you really are a complete dickhead. A whole cd of you humming? I hope you sank a lot of money into this and starve to death.

Robert Schaefer, Managing Director

Received your christmas present. You should definately get some kind of professional help. How much did this cost you to make?

Mike Campbell, Art Director

Merry Christmas to you too and thanks for the music cd. One of the guys came in to see what I listening to and he said it sounded like you were one of those kids with down syndrome.

Jaimie Holding, Copy writer

Thanks for the worst cd ever created in the history of cds. I would rather listen to monkeys screaming.

Brian Mitchell, Accountant

How long did it take you to do this? This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. If you took as much time filling in your time sheets as fucking about you would get along fine. Did you do this during work hours? Is that you humming on the disk? You sound like an idiot.

Kevin Eastwood, Account Rep

World's worst Christmas album. Ever.

Andrew Whittaker, Programmer

Could only listen to about 10 seconds of each song before I began to twitch.

Gina Caretti, Production Manager

Hi. I got your package this morning. Pretty terrible. On track 4 you can hear you doing things in the sink. It sounds like you are washing dishes or something. On track 2 you can hear a dog barking in the background and there is lots of stuff in the other tracks. I can hear you lighting a cigarette in one of them. If you set out to make the lamest CD ever you have done a pretty good job.

Jodie Williams, Graphic Designer

Bill tries to buy cheese Part 2

Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: the humps & bumps

I watched a show on television recently called I Shouldn’t Be Alive in which they feature people who, due to things that happened to them, apparently shouldn’t be alive. In the episode I watched, some guy was walking along a creek bed and a big rock fell on his leg, trapping him with one foot sticking out. A huge crayfish that lived in the creek crawled out towards him and the guy didn’t have a stick or anything in reach to shoo it off with so he had to watch it eat his foot. I would rather the rock had fallen on my head.

While I have never had a crayfish eat my foot, I have been on fire, stabbed, lost, almost drowned, crushed and trapped, so here are my own ten reasons why I probably shouldn’t be alive. This article was originally quite long and I thought people might email me saying “tl;dnr” so I broke it up into seperate segments and moved them randomly around the book. This was quite annoying as I was pretty much over it by then and it messed with the formatting of other articles so I hope you appreciate the effort and refrain from emailing me asking, “Why didn’t you just put all ten reasons you probably shouldn’t be alive in one article?”