I'Ll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails. - (22 page)

Regards, David.

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From: Kevin Eastwood

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 10.08am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Card

We're not having Santa driving a moon buggy on our company Christmas card. If you have any ideas that don't include moon buggies then ok otherwise we will go with something that is festive with an actual commercial aspect and is not just stupid. There's nothing festive about moon buggies.

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From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 10.56am

To: Kevin Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Card

I could put tinsel on the walkie talkie antenna and, despite your suggestion otherwise, moon buggies have several possible commercial aspects. If I lived on the moon, I would drive my moon buggy to the poles and plant nuclear explosives under the ice. Safe inside my shatterproof moon buggy dome, the explosions would melt the ice, sending a plume of moisture over the entire moon's surface thanks to low gravity dispersion. I would then plant potatoes in the fertile soil and set up a farm. Possibly with a few cows and a pond with ducks like you see in movies. Maybe a small wooden jetty from which to fish. In summer, I would jump off the jetty and swim.

I jumped off a jetty at the beach when I was about nine and landed on a scuba diver. At the hospital having my arm put in plaster, I was less concerned by the injury than by the fact I was not wearing underpants under my board-shorts. Having been told several times to wear clean underwear in case I get hit by a bus, I believed medical procedure would require the removal of my shorts at any moment... and I had coloured my penis with blue food colouring. Because I thought it was funny. Or it may have been a boy thing. It was a long time ago and the specifics are hazy.

Asked by a doctor if there was pain anywhere else, I made the decision to pre-empt the discovery and state, "No, but when I broke my arm my penis turned blue."

Following diagnosis and leaving the hospital through a crowded foyer, my mother slapped me on the back of my head and yelled, "what did you rub food colouring on your penis for?" and I yelled back "for fun" so that is probably what it was. The following week, when I arrived at school with my arm in a cast, I told everyone that I had broken it in a buggy accident.

With my potato farm on the moon fully established, I would use the traction and towing capabilities of my moon buggy to arrange the potato storage sheds so that from the earth they make out the words 'Potatoes for sale.'

Regards, David.

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From: Kevin Eastwood

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 11.02am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Card

We're not having any moon buggies on it so you can either be constructive or stay out of it. It's every time with you. Mike suggested he could dress as Santa if the staff dress as elves for a photo on the front.

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 11.34am

To: Kevin Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Card

Santa and his elves. Another outstanding concept that not only manages to symbolise staff as those who do the work and Mike as the delivery man, but also incorporate the space-age and fast theme flawlessly. If you spliced the terms 'omg' and 'fantastic' to make 'omgastic' it would, in no way, describe this gem. It certainly lies somewhere between genius and the other end of the scale. Mike should take one of those tests. I took one once but was less than impressed with my score so when anyone asks, I tell them the computer exploded while calculating the results so it will never be known. Even if you just lie and say "690" they always reply "Oh really, mine was 694."

I say go with it. I for one cannot wait to receive my space elf outfit. I made my own space related costume once. My 7th grade teacher, an angry German woman named Mrs Bretlic, who we called Mrs Breast Lick when several kilometres out of earshot, had us participate in something called Career Day by dressing as what we would like to be when we grow up. As the only profession I could think of that would allow me to drive buggies was astronaut, I set about constructing a flight suit. Cutting my mother's 70's green polyester jumpsuit sleeves and legs to length, I decided the best way to paint it white would be to wear it, set the spray can on a bench with the the nozzle taped down, and spin around in front of the spray.

I'm not sure if it was the spinning or the fact I was on the third can in a poorly ventilated space, but I recovered a few hours later to find myself on my back, secured to the carpet by dried paint, with my mother kneeling over me and my father standing behind her, looking around the room bewildered and muttering "what kind of fucking idiot spray paints in their bedroom?" The next morning when I awoke and dressed for Career Day, I found my father had stayed up late to paint NASA mission badges on the sleeves and super-glue dials from a Rank Arena record player onto the chest. Which is nice. He had also constructed a television screen on my stomach by cutting out a large rectangle of cloth and gluing a picture he had cut from a magazine behind it of a lady getting her hair cut.

That day, due to the task being misunderstood or ignored by most, we had six fairies, a vampire, two pirates, a stormtrooper and one astronaut with a picture of a lady getting her hair cut on his stomach. During recess, I drew a picture of a moon buggy and glued it over the photo. Also, on the way to class, I found a rock and told everyone that it was actual moon rock. Dennis Mitchell swapped me his Malvern-Star® ten speed bike for it but later that night his parents came to our house and swapped it back.

As an alternative to dressing as elves, Mike could sit in a sled holding a whip with a voice bubble showing his catchphrase "Yes, I was waiting for you. Of course I'm ready. Let's go. Has anyone seen my phone?" while the staff are harnessed as reindeer. You could be Rudolph as without your guidance, the company would quickly become an office version of Lord of the Flies with the staff as the children and Mike as the pig.

Regards, David.

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From: Kevin Eastwood

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 11.42am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Card

Mike says just do the Christmas lights over the name. Thanks.

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From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 12.08pm

To: Kevin Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Card

No problem. Do you want the bulbs to be shaped like little moon buggies?

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From: Kevin Eastwood

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 12.13pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Card

No, I want them to be shaped like christmas lights.

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From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 12.25pm

To: Kevin Eastwood

Subject: Organic LEP Printing

Ask Mike if he would like the lights to flash different colours using a new print technology which allows organic light emitting pigment based ink to be deposited instead of standard ink, enabling up to 256 colours to animate, powered by the tiny electrical field created when someone holds the card in their hand.

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From: Kevin Eastwood

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 12.49pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Organic LEP Printing

Mikes says yes. Can we do that?

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From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 12.55pm

To: Kevin Eastwood

Subject: Re: Re: Organic LEP Printing

No. I made it up, but if it were real it would be pretty omgastic. Have I told you lately you look a lot like that guy who played Rain Man?

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From: Kevin Eastwood

Date: Wednesday 23 November 2011 1.07pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Organic LEP Printing

It's Dustin Hoffman and no I don’t, idiot.

Herman, the Sad and Lonely Spaceship

I have never seen the point of literary agents but there must be some reason so many of them exist. Before my first book was published, I had never even heard of a literary agent but since then, they seem to be everywhere. I receive at least one email per week from literary agents explaining to me why I should give them fifteen percent of my profits to increase my profits by fifteen percent.

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From: Herman Mueller

Date: Wednesday 1 February 2012 3.17pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Representation

Hello David,

I work as a publishing agent and I understand you have had some small success with your first book. If you do not have an agent at the moment, I would be interested in discussing representation with you if you have a second book on the horizon. The advantages of having representation include higher commission percentages and a larger advance. Usually at least 15%. Are you currently working on a second book and if so are you unrepresented? If you have a moment, I would like to set up a time to chat about this opportunity with you.

Best, Herman

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From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 1 February 2012 3.41pm

To: Herman Mueller

Subject: Re: Representation

Hello Herman,

Thank you for your email. Yes, I am currently unrepresented, working on putting a second book together, and a larger advance and higher commission would obviously be preferable. It is extraordinarily altruistic of you to offer me this opportunity without recompense.

Regards, David.

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From: Herman Mueller

Date: Wednesday 1 February 2012 5.28pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Representation

Hello David,

Thank you for your reply. A commission is taken by the literary agent but this is well and truly outweighed by the benefits. With a higher commision percentage and advance, the cost is neglible.

Would I be able to get a copy of the first chapter of the new book and do you have a number I can call? Is the second book based on emails like the first?

Best, Herman

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 2 February 2012 9.54am

To: Herman Mueller

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Representation

Hello Herman,

What amount of commission are we talking about?

Regards, David.

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From: Herman Mueller

Date: Thursday 2 February 2012 10.20am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Representation

Hello David,

Standard literary agent commision is 15% but as I mentioned, this is offset by a 15% increase in your advance and royalties. At what stage is the manuscript in and is it in the same vein as the first book? Would you be able to send me the first chapter to review?

Best, Herman

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 2 February 2012 10.31am

To: Herman Mueller

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Representation

Hello Herman,

So, like a magician borrowing a hat, producing a rabbit and handing back the hat, you charge 15% of my profit to increase my profit by 15%? I accept that you get to keep the rabbit but what do I get out of it apart from my hat back?

Also, as you have only approached me due to the success of the first book, if the second book is in a similar vein, it could be assumed I would have little problem finding a publisher for it. More likely than not, the same  publisher as the first. As such, I would only require your services if the second book isn’t in a similar vein to the first and if this is the case, you wouldn’t be interested in it.

Regards, David.

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From: Herman Mueller

Date: Thursday 2 February 2012 2.12pm