I'Ll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails. - (20 page)

Dear Comcast, please do not watch me on the internet

Both my offspring and I will watch anything that features robots and I quite enjoyed the first Transformer’s movie. My favourite part was when the robots held hands in a circle and sang. I wasn’t as impressed with the sequel and, although today’s technology allows access to movies with just a few clicks, I didn’t bother with Mr Bay’s third effort at all. I did download and watch the movie Thor though. It was terrible. I stopped watching half way through and watched HGTV’s Property Virgin’s instead. They picked house number 3, a bluestone cottage close to public transport.

I wasn’t going to publish this article, because Derek stopped responding and it is therefore more like half an article, but it contains a few references and quotes from Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four, so I snuck it in here. I thought of putting it at the end of the book and doing a squiggly line running off the page after “Regards, Da...” so it looked as if I had died while writing it, but then I remembered I wasn’t in a Scooby Doo cartoon.

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 4 August 2011 8.07pm

To: [email protected]

Subject: #392-8139992

Dear Comacats,

I have received your letter regarding the Millenium Falcon.

Despite the allure of spending an evening with Mr Bay and his marvelous exploding robot cars, at no time did I illegally download and watch the movie Transformers 3 or bitch all the way through it about how pixelised it was.

Please do not watch me on the Internet.

Regards, David.

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From: [email protected]

Date: Friday 5 August 2011 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: #392-8139992

Dear Mr. Thorne,

Thank you for contacting us with your inquiry. The notice was sent to you as part of Comcast's proactive policy on copyright infringement. I assure you that we do not watch you while you are on the internet. The copyright owner reported an alleged infringement of one or more copyrighted works made through Comcast's service and identified the IP address associated with your account as the source of the infringing works.

Please note that use of the Comcast service in a manner that constitutes an infringement of any copyrighted work is a violation of our Acceptable Use Policy and may result in the suspension or termination of your account.

Best regards,

Derek Reid, Customer Service

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From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 5 August 2011 1.37pm

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: #392-8139992

Dear Derek,

Thank you for your email. Having noted your repeated threat as politely requested, I repeat my denial of justification for the original. While I freely admit to seducing party members of both sexes, visiting proletarian areas and, together with other agents, counterfeiting bank notes, wrecking industrial machinery, polluting the water supply and guiding Eurasian rocket bombs to targets on Airstrip One by means of coded radio signals, at no time did I illegally download and watch the movie Transformers 3.

As my Comcast internet service is connected to a wireless router with no password, I question how you determined that it was I who illegally downloaded the movie and not Roger and Dawn, the elderly couple who live across the road, who I suspect have been stealing my wi-fi for years.

They avoid eye contact when I wave and always wear sweat pants. If I needed to be ready to run from the law at any moment, sweat pants would be first on my list. Second and third would be a disguise and snacks. I would probably also take the car. I watched a movie recently in which bank robbers painted their getaway car with non-waterproof paint and then drove through a car-wash, which was pretty clever. The only part of the chase that made no sense was when the giant silhoutte walked across the screen and said it was going to get snacks.

While it may seem like self preservation to point the blame at others, sometimes when you are threatened with something you can't stand up to, you say, 'Don't do it to me, do it to somebody else, do it to Roger and Dawn.' Perhaps you might pretend, afterwards, that you didn't really mean it, but that isn't true. At the time, you do mean it. You think there's no other way of saving yourself. You want it to happen to the other person. You don't give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself.

Also, while I appreciate your accusation is based on third party information, whether it is you or your friend doing the watching isn't the point. If you came over to mow my lawn, I wouldn't expect to look up and find you standing outside my window watching the activities that I have spare time to engage in because I don't have to mow the lawn, and if you bought along a friend and stated, "This is Barry, while I mow your lawn, Barry is going to watch you through the window," I would close the curtains.

Due to the resulting lack of natural lighting, if I then switched on a modern yet inexpensive table lamp in order to relax with a copy of The Theory and Practice of Oligarchical Collectivism, the last thing I would expect is to later receive a written reprimand for product misuse from IKEA.

Regards, David.

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From: [email protected]

Date: Monday 8 August 2011 10.04am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: #392-8139992

Dear Mr. Thorne,

When you opened your account, you agreed to the terms and conditions of that account. The Digital Millenium Copyright Act isn't a Comcast policy, it's a government law.

Comcast has a firm stance on piracy. Violation of our Acceptable Use Policy may result in mitigation measures ranging from lowering your bandwidth and limiting your access to certain websites to suspending or cancelling your account. Under new agreements between Comcast, the RIAA and the MPAA, violators may also be required to participate in a program that educates them on copyright law and the rights of content creators.

I recommend you protect your wireless connection with a password as soon as possible to prevent possible unauthorized use as all future violations will be treated as repeat offenses.

Your account has been flagged and will be monitored for further breaches of copyright. If you believe an error has been made, you can request an independent review for a fee of $35 which will be added to your Comcast account.

Best regards,

Derek Reid, Customer Service

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 8 August 2011 11.26am

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re:  #392-8139992

Dear Derek,

Thirty-five dollars seems reasonable. I will take four. I do not, however, require either your proposed piracy school (unless part of their course structure covers working around Cinavia), or your advice on protecting my wireless router with a password. 

When I was about ten, my route to school passed a property with an orange tree growing in the front garden. Walking at a pace one morning, which wouldn’t close the twenty metre gap between myself and Bradley McPherson (the school bully) ahead, I witnessed him pluck an orange, turn, and throw it at me. If I had stood my ground, the orange would have struck my chest but instead, ducking and turning, it exploded against the left side of my head. Returning home, I avoided detection of my school absense by hiding in the tool shed for the rest of day and writing a report to the Ministry of Plenty accusing Bradley McPherson of fruitcrime.

A few weeks later, I lost hearing in my left ear and, shortly after, experienced ear-aches. Following a visit to the doctor, it was discovered that pulp had imbeded itself deep within my ear canal and a small orange tree had sprouted from a seed.

At no time was the responsibility for the act of throwing an orange at my head, or the resulting months of jokes about free produce and planting corn in the other ear, placed on the owner of the orange tree for failing to have a walled garden.

Bradley McPherson was hit and killed by a car shortly after that while furiously peddling his Malvern Star across a K-Mart car-park while being persued by store detectives.

When a card for his parents was passed around the classroom for everybody to sign, I wrote "Sorry Bradley died" using an orange pen and coloured in the 'o' in 'sorry'. I also drew a picture of Bradley riding his bike with a giant snake chasing him but the teacher went over it with Liquid Paper®.

Regards, David.

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From: [email protected]

Date: Monday 8 August 2011 2.21pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: #392-8139992

Dear Mr Thorne,

There is little point continuing this correspondance. Despite denying that you have downloaded and watched pirated movies, it is obvious from your description of pixelation and Cinavia and people getting snacks that you are watching pirated copies. If you are trying to make some point about oranges you're wasting your time as I’ve no idea what you are getting at.

If you have any further questions regarding your account please direct them to your local branch.

Best regards,

Derek Reid, Customer Service

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 8 August 2011 2.37pm

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: #392-8139992

Dear Derek,

At no time have I denied downloading and watching pirated movies. I admit to having downloaded hundreds of movies and, even though the last time I purchased an album was in 1984, I have thousands of MP3's. I simply deny downloading and watching the movie you have accused me of.

My preference not to be watched on the internet is less based on repercussions of copyright infringement than the fact that copyright infringement could be considered the least criminal of the activities I engage in online.

Regardless, I understand the Digital Millenium Copyright Act allows internet service providers exemption from liability and, as such, Comcast's proactive stance; therefore, I agree to behave on the internet. Or at least use a proxy while downloading Thor.

Regards, David.

Ten reasons I probably shouldn’t be alive: the treehouse

When I was about ten, I decided to build a treehouse after reading a book called The Swiss Family Robinson in which a family, the Robinson’s, are shipwrecked and decide to live in a tree.

Our neighbour, a rarely seen widower named Mr Anderson, owned a fenced-in quarter acre block with a large shed at the back of the property. Figuring Mr Anderson would never notice, I removed the planks from the fence behind his shed, using a claw-hammer that I found in his shed.

Using the planks to construct the frame and floor of my treehouse, I discovered I needed more planks. Removing several more from his fence, I realised that Mr Anderson would be able to see they were missing if he looked at the right angle so I covered the gap with a sheet and secured it in place with tape.  Completing construction a few hours later, I spent the rest of the day furnishing and painting the interior of what was, essentially, a collection of planks balanced precariously on top of each other.  

That evening, after my parents had returned from a marriage counselling session and turned in early, I decided to sneak out and sleep in my treehouse.

Taking a pillow, blanket, flashlight and snacks with me, I had just settled in for the night when a light breeze caused the walls and roof of the treehouse to collapse - pinning me to the floor. The only part of me that wasn’t covered was my face, leaving me staring upwards as it started to rain.

Unable to call out or move due to the crushing weight, I remained there the entire night, falling asleep at one point but waking when it started to rain harder, before finally being rescued the next morning when Mr Anderson let his cat out and heard my soft cries for help.

While I was at the hospital with two fractured ribs and collapsed lung, Mr Anderson took back his planks.

David & his best friends go shopping