I'Ll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails. - (12 page)

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From: Jennifer Haines

Date: Monday 21 November 2011 9.26am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Meeting this afternoon.

Good morning David,

I hope you had a good weekend. I'm not sure how many client meetings you have today but can we find time this afternoon to have a chat? Simon has filed another formal complaint against you which makes a total of 14 this year. I thought it might be a good idea if all three of us sat down to have an open discussion and try to work towards a resolution.

Jennifer

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 November 2011 9.34am

To: Jennifer Haines

Subject: Re: Meeting this afternoon.

Good morning Jen,

The last time I checked, there were only twelve complaints and two of those were complaining that nothing had been done about the other ten. What are the thirteenth and fourteenth regarding?

Regards, David.

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From: Jennifer Haines

Date: Monday 21 November 2011 9.51am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Meeting this afternoon.

Simon filed a F26-A on the 9th of this month stating you had changed his server login ID to Mr Bobbity Head and another on Friday claiming you hacked into his personal Amazon account and ordered a book about boats. He printed screen shots and supplied these with the F26-A. Under section 5, paragraph 2 of the Employee Workplace Agreement which we all signed, I am meant to provide support through discussion of the issue with both parties. Would 2.45 today be ok with you?

Jennifer

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 November 2011 10.14am

To: Jennifer Haines

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Meeting this afternoon.

Dear Jen,

If Simon really took offence to the title Mr Bobbity Head, he would put some effort into stopping its thrashing about as if he is asleep on a rollercoaster. I passed him in the corridor this morning and had to perform a tuck and roll. Providing support through discussion would seem to me less effective than some kind of medical neck brace.

Although I received no request from Simon to change his login name, which would possibly have been more appropriate than a formal complaint, to appease his denial of truth, I have amended it to Mr Non-Bobbity Head.

In regards to Simon's Amazon account, my 'hacking' knowledge consists entirely of having seen the movie Sneakers eighteen years ago. Renting an apartment across the street with an unobstructed view of Simon's keyboard through a telescope would require far greater organisational skills than I believe I have ever exhibited while working here. I have three months of unfinished work on my desk and spent last week playing Words with Friends on my phone. As such, it is more likely he simply ordered the book about boats himself and then forgot doing so.

I saw a movie once where Goldie Hawn bumped her head on a boat and got amnesia. Snake Plissken made her look after his kids. It's entirely plausible that, after ordering the book about boats, Simon struck his head during one of his bobbity jaunts down the corridor.

Alternatively, he may have repressed the memory. I have read that repressed memories may sometimes be recovered years or decades after the event, triggered by a particular smell, taste, or suggestion through hypnotism. I am happy to attempt to hypnotise Simon if you think this may help. I will email him now and schedule a time.

Regards, David.

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 November 2011 10.18am

To: Simon Dempsey

Subject: pressed memories.

Dear Simon,

Jen and I have been discussing the possibility that you may have Repressed Memory Syndrome and feel it might be helpful to hypnotise you. Would 2.45 today be ok?

Regards, David.

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From: Simon Dempsey

Date: Monday 21 November 2011 10.26am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: pressed memories.

Fuck off dickhead.

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 November 2011 11.22am

To: Jennifer Haines

Subject: Simon's repressed memories

Dear Jen,

Simon seems reluctant to participate. This can often be the case when dealing with motivated forgetting in which a subject blocks out painful or traumatic experiences in his or her life.  I wish I had the ability to block out certain memories of my own. I have attempted to put a recent event behind me for the sake of the company but Simon's continued efforts to make himself out to be a victim have left me with no other recourse than to file a formal complaint myself.

On Tuesday evening, the 15th of November, I stayed late to start a project the client was expecting to see the next day. I had been given the project a fortnight prior but this was around the same time I downloaded Words with Friends. Simon was the only other person left in the office.

Perhaps I should have recognised the signs earlier - comments such as "Those pants are nice," and "What kind of conditioner do you use? Your hair smells like coconut & orchid" - but, having grown up on a small farm, I guess I was simply naive to the ways of city folk.

I was in the middle of writing copy concerning the lifestyle merits of choosing galvanised roofing materials when the lights dimmed and I heard Justin Timberlake's SexyBack coming from Simon's work area. I looked up to discover Simon dancing slowly in the doorway. I asked what he was doing but he stepped towards me, placed a finger to my lips, and stated, "Simon says shhh little one. This is not the time for words." I attempted to explain that it was and the client was expecting four pages of them by the next day but he wouldn't listen and straddled my chair.

Confused and alarmed, I attempted to push him off but, despite what you would assume from a complete absence of any muscle tone, he was stronger than me and pinned my arms firmly against the armrests, kissed my neck, and whispered, "I can be gentle, or very very rough. The choice is yours."

Not being overly happy with either option, I pushed hard against the desk with my legs, sending the chair rolling across the room before careening into several stacked boxes of Reflex copier paper, toppling the chair and sending us sprawling. Realising this may be my only chance of escape, I tucked my arms to my sides and rolled, like a child on a steep grassy knoll, and leapt to my feet. Bolting out the door and into the dark and stormy night, I heard him crying, "I'm sorry. Come back." But I didn't.

While I accept Simon may be sorry for what he has done, in the interests of protecting fellow co-workers and being compliant with section 5, paragraph 9 of the Employee Workplace Agreement, please find attached a copy of the report.

I request a full investigation into this incident and expect Simon to undertake the sexual harassment course as outlined in Section 3, paragraph 2, of the Employee Workplace Agreement which we all signed. Failing this, a F26-B will be filed with head office as per Section 3, paragraph 8.

Regards, David.

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From: Jennifer Haines

Date: Monday 21 November 2011 1.45pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Simon's repressed memories

David,

I really don't have time for you two today. Your story is completely unbelievable and filing a class 2 complaint of sexual harassment means I am now required to provide head office with a completed I-95A assessment and recommendation form. Is this really what you want?

I will arrange for Simon to take the course with TWE if you agree to retract or at least change your complaint to class 1 so it can be dealt with internally. Do not send a F26-B to head office.

I have no idea what is going on between you two but I would appreciate it if you would sort this nonsense out between yourselves in future without creating more paperwork for me.

Jennifer

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From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 21 November 2011 2.02pm

To: Jennifer Haines

Subject: Re: Re: Simon's repressed memories

Dear Jen,

Thank you for your understanding. What happened is indeed completely unbelievable but through the support of those around me I hope to make it through this difficult time. I am not a victim; I am a survivor.

As a long time advocate of education over discipline, and accepting partial responsibility for what occurred as I was wearing nice pants that day and had used Herbal Essence's 'Hello Hydration' 2-in-1 Hawaiian coconut & orchid moisturising shampoo and conditioner that morning, I agree to your request and will amend the complaint to class 1 following Simon's completion of the TWE course. I also accept your position on wasting company resources through misuse of the F26-A form for matters that would be better dealt with through discussion over a friendly pint at the pub.