If You Could See Me Now (40 page)

“Ivan, I’m so glad you’re here.” Elizabeth came charging out of the kitchen.

“Thank you.” Ivan smiled, swirling around to greet her. “Wow, look at you.” His mouth dropped open. Elizabeth was wearing a simple white linen summer dress that contrasted with her dark skin beautifully; her long hair was lightly curled and hung down past her shoulders. “Give me a twirl,” Ivan said, still taken aback by her appearance. Her features had softened and everything about her seemed gentler.

“I stopped twirling for men when I was eight. Now stop gawking at me, there’s work to be done,” she snapped.

Well, not
everything
about her was gentler.

She looked around the garden, hands on her hips, as though she were on patrol.

“OK, let me show you what’s happening here.” She grabbed Ivan by the arm and dragged him toward the table.

“When people arrive through the side gate, they come over here
first. This is where they collect their napkins, knives, forks, and plates and then they move along here.” She moved on, grabbing him by the arm and speaking quickly. “When they get here,
you
will be standing behind this barbecue, where you will prepare whatever they choose from
this
selection.” She displayed a side table of meats. “On the left is Soya meat, on the left is regular,
do not
confuse the two.”

Ivan opened his mouth to protest, but she held a
finger up and continued. “Then, after they take their burger buns, they move on to the salad
here
. Please note that the sauces for the burgers are
here
.”

Ivan went to pick up an olive and she slapped his hand, causing it to drop back into the bowl. She continued, “Desserts are over
here,
tea and coffee
here,
organic milk in the left jug, regular milk on the right, toilets through the door on the left
only,
I don’t want them traipsing through the house, OK?”

Ivan nodded.

“Any questions?”

“Just one.” He grabbed an olive and popped it into his mouth before she had a chance to steal it from his grasp. “Why are you telling me all this?”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “Because”—she wiped her clammy hands in a napkin—“I’ve never done this whole
hosting
thing before and seeing as you got me into this mess, I need you to help me.”

Ivan laughed. “Elizabeth, you will be
fine, but my barbecuing food will
clearly
not help.”

“Why, don’t you have barbecues in Ekam Eveileb?” she asked sarcastically.

Ivan ignored her comment. “Look, you don’t need rules and schedules today, just let people do what they like, roam the garden, mingle with everyone, and choose their food themselves. Who cares if they start at the apple pie?”

Elizabeth looked horrified. “Start at the apple pie?” she spluttered. “But that’s the wrong end of the table. No, Ivan, you need to tell them where the queue starts and ends, I won’t have time.” She rushed toward the kitchen. “Dad, I hope you’re not eating all those cocktail sausages in there,” she called.

“Dad?” My eyes widened. “He’s here?”

“Yes.” She rolled her eyes, but Ivan could tell she didn’t mean it. “It’s just as well you weren’t here the past few days, because I’ve been up to my eyes in family secrets, tears, breakups, and makeups. But we’re getting there.” She relaxed for a moment and smiled at Ivan. The doorbell rang and she jumped, her face contorting into panic.

“Relax, Elizabeth!” Ivan laughed.

“Come around the side!” she called to the person at the front door.

“Before they get here, I just want to give you a present,” Ivan said, removing his arm from where it had been hiding behind his back. He held out a large red umbrella toward her and her forehead crumpled in confusion.

“It’s to protect you from the rain,” Ivan explained softly. “You could have done with this the other night, I suppose.”

Elizabeth’s forehead cleared as the realization set in. “That’s so thoughtful of you, thank you.” She hugged him. Her head shot up suddenly. “But how did you know about the other night?” She looked at him quizzically.

Benjamin appeared at the gate with a bouquet of
flowers and a bottle of wine.

“Happy birthday, Elizabeth.”

She spun around and her cheeks pinked; she hadn’t seen him since that day in the building site when Ivan had splattered her alleged love for him in large red letters across the wall.

“Thank you,” she replied, leaving Ivan’s side and making her way to him.

He held the gifts toward her and she struggled to
find a way to take them with the umbrella in her hand. Benjamin spotted the umbrella and laughed. “I don’t think you’ll need that today.”

“Oh, this?” Elizabeth reddened even more. “This was a gift from Ivan.”

Benjamin raised his eyebrows. “Really? I’m beginning to think there’s something going on with you two.”

Elizabeth tried to keep on a brave face and didn’t allow her smile to waver. She wished.

“Actually, he’s somewhere around here, maybe I can
find him.” She twisted herself around and scanned the garden, wondering why it was Benjamin found her so funny all the time.

“Ivan?” I could hear Elizabeth calling my name.

“Yes,” I replied, not looking up from helping Luke put on his party hat.

“Ivan?” she called again.

“Ye-es,” I said impatiently, getting to my feet and looking at her. Her eyes passed over me and she continued scanning the garden.

My heart stopped beating; I swear I felt it stop.

I took deep breaths and tried not to panic. “Elizabeth,” I called, my voice so shaky and distant I barely recognized myself.

She didn’t turn around. “I don’t know where he’s disappeared to, he was here just a minute ago.” She sounded angry. “He was supposed to get the barbecue ready.”

Benjamin laughed again. “How appropriate. Well, that’s a subtle way of asking, but I can do it, no problem.”

Elizabeth looked at him in confusion and lost in thought. “OK, great, thanks.” She continued looking around. I watched as Benjamin put the apron on over his head and Elizabeth explained everything all over again to him. I watched from the outside, no longer a part of the picture. People began to arrive and I felt dizzy as the garden began to
fill, as the volume went up, voices and laughter grew louder, the smell of food became stronger. I watched as Elizabeth tried to force Joe to taste some of her
flavored coffee as everyone else looked on and laughed; I watched Elizabeth and Benjamin’s heads close together as they shared a secret and then laughed; I watched as Elizabeth’s father stood at the end of the garden, blackthorn cane in one hand, cup and saucer in the other as he stared out wistfully to the rolling hills and waited for another of his daughters to return; I watched as Mrs. Bracken and her lady friends stood by the dessert table, sneakily taking another slice of cake when they thought that no one was looking.

But I saw them. I saw it all.

I was like a visitor in an art museum standing in front of a busy painting, trying to make sense of it, loving it so much and wanting to jump in and become a part of it. I was pushed farther and farther to the back of the garden; my head spun and my knees were weak.

I watched as Luke carried out Elizabeth’s birthday cake, helped by Poppy, and led everyone in singing while Elizabeth’s face pinked in surprise and embarrassment. I watched as she looked around for me and couldn’t
find me, as she closed her eyes, made a wish, and blew out the candles like the little girl who never had her twelfth birthday party and who was living it all now. It brought back to me what Opal had said about me never having a birthday, never aging, while Elizabeth did and would this day, every year. The local village crowd smiled and cheered as she blew out the candles, but for me they represented the passing of time, and as she extinguished those dancing
flames, she extinguished a tiny bit of hope that was left inside of me. They were another stab in the heart as to why we couldn’t be together. The cheery mass celebrated while I couldn’t help but be more aware than ever of the fact that with every minute that ticked by, she was getting older. Me, I just felt it.

“Ivan!” Elizabeth grabbed me from behind. “Where have you been for the past hour, I’ve been looking all over for you!”

I was so shocked that she acknowledged me, I could barely speak. “I’ve been here all day,” I said weakly, savoring every second her brown eyes locked on to mine.

“No, you haven’t, I’ve been by this way at least
five
times and you weren’t here. Are you OK?” She looked worried. “You look very pale.” She felt my forehead. “Have you eaten?”

I shook my head.

“I’ve just heated some pizza; let me get you some, OK? What kind do you want?”

“One with olives please, olives are by far my favorite.”

She narrowed her eyes and studied me curiously, looking me up and down. Slowly she said, “OK, I’ll go get it, but don’t go disappearing on me again, there are some people I want to introduce you to, OK?”

I nodded.

Moments later she came rushing out with a huge slice of pizza. It smelled so good, my stomach screamed out with joy and I hadn’t even thought I was hungry. I held my hands up to take the luscious slice from her but her brown eyes darkened, her face hardened, and she pulled the plate away. “Damnit, Ivan, where have you gone now?” she muttered, searching the garden with her eyes.

My knees were so weak now I couldn’t keep my body up anymore; I just collapsed onto the grass, back up against the wall of the house, leaning my elbows on my knees.

I heard a little whisper in my ear, felt the warm breath, and smelled sweets on Luke’s breath. “It’s happening, isn’t it?”

All I could do was nod.

This is the part where the fun stops. This part is, by far, not my favorite.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Feeling every mile with
every step, every stone and pebble beneath the sole of my foot, and every second that ticked by, I eventually arrived at the hospital, exhausted and totally drained. There was still one friend who needed me.

Olivia and Opal must have seen it in my face when I entered the room; they must have seen the dark colors emanating from my body, the way my shoulders were slumped, the way the entire weight of everything in the atmosphere had suddenly decided to balance itself on my shoulders. I knew from the look in their tired eyes that they knew. Of course they knew, it was all a part of our job. At least twice a year we all met special people who consumed our days and nights and all of our thoughts, and each time, with each person, we had to go through the process of losing them. Opal liked to teach us that it wasn’t us
losing
them; it was a matter of them moving on. But I couldn’t see how I wasn’t losing Elizabeth. Without having any control, any ability to make her hold on to me, to still see me, she was slipping through my
fingers. What did I win? What did I gain? Every time I left a friend, I was as lonely as the day before I met them and in Elizabeth’s case, lonelier, because I knew that I was missing out on the possibility of so much more. And here’s the sixty-four-million-dollar question: What do our friends get out of it?

A happy ending?

Would I call Elizabeth’s current situation a happy ending? Mothering a six-year-old boy she never wanted, worrying about a missing sister, a mother who had deserted her, and a complex father. Wasn’t her life the exact same as when I arrived?

But I guess this wasn’t Elizabeth’s ending.
Remember the detail,
Opal always tells me. I suppose what had changed in Elizabeth’s life was her mind, the way she was thinking. All I had done was merely planted the seed of hope; she alone could help it to grow. And because she was starting to lose sight of me, perhaps that seed was being cultivated.

I sat in the corner of the hospital room watching Opal clinging to Geoffrey’s hands as if she were hanging off the edge of the cliff. Perhaps she was. You could see in the expression of her face that she was willing for everything to be as it once was; I bet she would have done a deal with the devil right then and there if it would have brought him back. She would have gone to hell and back, she would have faced every single one of her fears just for him, right then.