If I Forget You (32 page)

Her smile fell. “I know, but he’s probably leaving in a few months, maybe earlier. That’ll be enough time.”

“For what?”

Avery took a deep breath. “To say goodbye.”

* * *

Avery stood on Jordan’s front steps and rang the bell. Heaven answered, her eyes growing wide and round as she spotted Avery. Heaven was dressed in jeans and a ratty T-shirt, which was all she wore to work nowadays. Avery wanted to ask her why she’d changed her wardrobe so drastically, but she didn’t dare breathe a word about it since it obviously had to do with Jordan.

“Can you give this to him?” Avery asked, holding out the torte on a metal serving tray. “And this?” She pulled out an envelope from her back pocket.

Heaven took the torte and the note. “Why don’t you give it to him yourself?” she asked, the usual twitch of her lips giving away her frustration. “Seriously, Avery, he’s remembering so much. If you’ll just see him again …”

Avery let out a heavy sigh. “Fine, I’ll give it to him.”

It had been three weeks since she’d seen him last, when he was still in the hospital and angry. She hoped he wasn’t angry now.

Entering the house, she held her breath. It all looked the same, but it felt different, as if she didn’t belong anymore. All the pictures of Callie were gone. That was odd. Avery followed Heaven into the living room where Jordan sat on the same sofa where he’d kissed her all those weeks ago. She pushed away the memory of his warm skin, his shirt hanging open as he described his tattoo and said he loved it because it reminded him of life. She knew now that he’d meant it reminded him of how precious life could be since he’d lost Callie. She still wondered if the accident had ruined the tattoo.

“Hey, Jordan, someone’s here to see you,” Heaven said as Avery stopped behind her.

Jordan twisted around to look at both of them. When his gaze landed on Avery, nothing crossed his face. No emotion, no recognition, nothing. She would be surprised if he even remembered her from the hospital.

“Hi,” he said flatly, and turned back around. He had only one free arm since the other was in a cast all the way up to his armpit. His leg, also still in a cast, was propped up on the coffee table. He paused the show he’d been watching, and Heaven motioned for Avery to follow her over.

“Avery’s here to see you,” Heaven said as she leaned down to set the torte on the coffee table. “She made you this amazing dessert.”

Jordan looked at the torte for a long minute, but if Avery was hoping to see any spark of recognition, she was deluding herself.

“It looks good,” he said, smiling as he looked up at Avery. “Thanks.” His brow furrowed. “Wait, you’re that girl from the hospital, right? The one they kept telling me I’ve forgotten?”

Avery nodded. “I wrote something for you. It’s …”

Heaven handed the envelope to Jordan, who only stared at it until she finally dropped it onto his lap. “It’s what?” he asked, bitterness edging his voice.

“It’s just … it’s my memory of when you made me a chocolate torte like this one.” She swallowed and pushed her hands in her pockets. “You don’t have to read it, but if you’re curious, it’s all there … well, what I can remember, anyway. See, I have trouble remembering things too, but writing it down helps. I know you might not ever remember me since everything that happened with us was so close to your accident, but I’m … I … this is my way to say goodbye to you.”

His eyes snapped up to her. “Goodbye?”

“Yeah, since you’ll be moving when your casts come off, right?”

He blinked. “Yeah, going to Chicago.”

She nodded and gathered her courage. It was so weird to face him like this, knowing she wasn’t important to him in the slightest. It hurt to see that he wasn’t even making an effort to remember her.

“I was hoping,” she said boldly after glancing at the torte, “that you’d be okay with me coming over every week to give you a new memory of mine. It would help me out a lot, even if you never remember me.”

Jordan looked at Heaven, who kicked his one good foot on the floor. “Yeah, sure,” he said, shrugging. “I guess that would be fine.”

“Great. So, I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, see ya.” He turned back to the TV and un-paused his show without another glance at her.

“I’m so sorry,” Heaven whispered as she opened the front door to let Avery out. “This is normal for him now. He’s not as nice as he used to be. Even before the accident
—
before you
—
he wasn’t this irritable. He’s getting a little better, but it’s slow.”

Avery saw the disappointment in Heaven’s eyes, and leaned forward to give her a tight hug. “It’s okay,” she sighed. “I think it’s okay to let people change.”

Heaven pulled away and took in a long breath. “I guess you’re right. When I decided to go all dreadlocked and Goth, Jordan never judged me. My parents didn’t try to stop me either.”

Avery smiled. “So don’t try to change him back to what he was?”

“Yeah.”

Avery waved goodbye as she walked down the steps, her heart a little lighter. She had to figure out what to write next for Jordan, whether he read it or not.

* * *

Avery visited Jordan every week on Saturday afternoons. She spent the morning writing down her memories of him, scrawling the words across her creamy yellow stationery. With every drop of ink, she felt her heart healing just a little more. It felt so good to let the memories drain out onto the paper, like bleeding herself free of him.

The second visit she took him a cactus, and after that a rock candy sucker and a bag of sour jellybeans. She took a picture of the benches overlooking Lake Union and painted a picture of the fish tank in his room. It was a childish watercolor, but when he looked at it he seemed to know exactly what it was.

“How do you know about my fish tank?” he asked.

“I spent a whole weekend in your bedroom,” she answered, blushing. “Just read the memory.” It was probably the most intimate one she’d written so far, but she knew it had to be done.

The week after that she gave him a new toothbrush, and after that a stuffed flounder
—
only, this one was a stuffed animal, not a dish from a fancy restaurant. By the time she was finished, his arm cast had been removed. His leg still had two more weeks to go, according to his doctor. She sat next to him on the sofa as he set the stuffed flounder on his lap and ran his thumb across the plush.

“I’ve been reading everything you’ve written,” he said softly as Heaven left the room. “I still don’t remember you, though. I’m sorry.”

He lifted his eyes to hers. They were so blue, and she felt like they were stabbing right through her. Somewhere, deep down in her gut, she’d hoped by this point he would have recalled just the tiniest piece of her, but it was pointless. And while he was kinder to her now than he had been when she’d first come over, he wasn’t giving off any signals that he wanted to know her any better. Whatever had formed between them now hardly felt like friendship
—
more like a mutual understanding of something she couldn’t even pinpoint.

“Like I told you,” she said after tearing her eyes away from his. “I’m not doing this to make you remember. I appreciate you sticking with me on it, though. This is the last one.”

“Not a problem.”

She waited for him to say something else. When he didn’t, she forced herself to look into those blue eyes again. Damn it,
why
? Why did it have to be this way? She was doing okay now. School was going great, her friendship with Tam was fixed, and her mom and Chloe got along now. Even her memory seemed to be improving a little. But, as Jordan had told her, people would always leave gaps in your life when they left, and even though he was right in front of her, she couldn’t ignore the gap she felt from his absence.

“I wish you the best,” he said. “I really do.”

Her chin trembled as she looked down at his outstretched hand. There was a scar along his forearm now, still a bit pink. She took his hand and let him squeeze her fingers. There was no spark there, no shock or fireworks as there had been before all of this had happened.

“Bye,” she said as he let go.

“Goodbye, Avery.”

As she left the room, she let her tears spill down her cheeks. They were soon lost in the rain as she walked back home.

28

If anyone had told Avery she would eventually work as a waitress, she would have laughed her head off. Now, as she bustled around the tables in the fancy restaurant filled with live trees, she smiled to herself. She loved the feel of this place, as if she’d stepped into an arboretum. It was one of the reasons she’d decided to apply here. Also, it turned out that with a pad of paper in her hand she had no problem remembering things people told her. She loved the handy seating charts that told her exactly what parties were where. Most of all, she loved the large tips. She made a lot more here than she had repairing books.

Avery smiled as she imagined some poor freshman in that basement room. Heaven wasn’t there to train anyone anymore since she’d graduated last year, so it was up to Chloe now. Poor Chloe. But she had understood when Avery told her she wanted a job that kept her on her feet and paid a bit more. And she also understood Avery couldn’t keep going to that job where the smells and the feel of books and broken spines and torn paper in her hands reminded her so much of Heaven and her brother. It was her sophomore year now, and he had long since moved to Chicago. His father had even sold the house. Chloe had been happy about that, at least. No more loud parties since the couple who moved in were in their sixties.

“Bad news,” Sam, the head waiter, told Avery as she entered her station to put in the newest orders. “Amanda is in the bathroom throwing up and I have to attend to table fifteen. Is there any way you can take table five their wine? It’s right here.” He handed her Amanda’s leather-bound order book. You know what to do, don’t you?”

Avery took the book, her hands trembling a tiny bit. Amanda was the sommelier.

“I’ll do my best,” she said, smiling confidently at Sam. In the hectic atmosphere of the restaurant’s behind-the-scenes there was nothing to do but say yes and carry on. She preferred it this way. It was easier to get through each day, easier to deal with the haunting memories of Kent one tiny step at a time, easier to forget about Jordan.

She found the correct bottle of wine and folded up a crisp cloth napkin on which to display it. On her way to the table, she concentrated on mustering up every ounce of professionalism she could. She was carrying a three-hundred dollar bottle of wine, which meant whoever was sitting at table five was pretty damn rich.

She spotted an older man in a nice suit and walked to his side of the table. He was tall and thin and vaguely familiar. She blinked, caught off guard as she searched her brain for a name or a snippet of memory.

“I’m Avery,” she introduced herself with a short bow. “I’ll be your sommelier for the rest of the evening.”

The man grinned up at her as she held out the wine for him to inspect the label. Finally looking down at it, he nodded. “Looks great.”

“Wonderful, sir.” She pulled out Amanda’s corkscrew and proceeded to uncork the bottle. As she twisted the corkscrew around and around, she glanced at the rest of the table and nearly choked when her gaze landed on Heaven, of all people. Her dreadlocks were no longer fire-engine red, but a conservative auburn. She smiled at Avery and gave her a little wave.

Stay calm, Avery.

As discreetly as she could, she shifted her gaze to the one person on earth she had no desire to see at the moment. Jordan, completely healed now and as handsome as ever, sat at the other end of the table next to his mother. He looked amazing in a gray silk shirt, his hair styled a different way than she’d seen before, his square jaw shaved smooth, his blue eyes twinkling as he laughed at something his mother had said. Luckily, he hadn’t even noticed Avery. She pulled out the cork from the wine bottle and placed it on a little plate.

Tim, whose name she suddenly remembered out of nowhere, lifted the cork to inspect it. He smiled and nodded for her to pour him a taste of the wine.

“It’s wonderful to see you, Avery,” he said as he mindlessly swirled the dark red liquid and then smelled it. He didn’t stop looking at her until he’d tasted the wine and nodded his approval. “Perfect, thank you. We’d all like a glass and then please leave the bottle.”

She smiled as she poured his glass and moved on to Heaven.

“I hear you left the book repair business,” Heaven said. “How are you doing? Overwhelmed this semester yet?”

Avery smiled at her. “I’m sure I’ll get overwhelmed at some point.”

Heaven laughed. “It’s inevitable.”

Avery moved on to Karma’s glass and then Jordan’s. He didn’t pay her any attention, but why should he?

“Avery!” Karma said loudly as Avery set the wine bottle on the table. “How are you? I haven’t seen you on campus this quarter. Are you taking any biology classes?”

“Not this quarter, but I’ll be taking another of yours next quarter.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful. I’ve missed seeing you.”

Avery glanced at Jordan, who was finally looking up at her. Recognition filled his eyes, but she was sure it was only from the times she’d visited him after the accident.

“I’ve missed seeing you too,” she said, smiling warmly.

“Is this your job for the year?” Karma asked, looking around the restaurant. There was no hint of disgust in her voice, even though Avery suddenly felt very low on the social ladder.

“Yes,” she answered. “It’s been a lot of fun so far.”

“It’s a wonderful place. We’ll let you get back to work.” Karma smiled at her ex-husband, who nodded to Avery.

She left in a hurry, not looking back to see Jordan. It was best if she didn’t go back to that table ever again. Seeing Karma at school was one thing, but seeing Jordan and his entire family again was quite another.