If I Forget You (29 page)

Owen nodded and inched a little closer so he could put an arm around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and took a deep breath. The rain pattered on the roof as she thought about Tam and Ryan and Jordan. She’d lost them all, like treasures she’d put away in a place she couldn’t remember. But Owen was still here, even if it didn’t go beyond friendship. He meant the world to her now.

“Do you think it’s bad of me to give up on him so soon?” she asked. “Because I don’t think I can keep going there to see him. It feels wrong, like I’m trying to force something on him. Heaven keeps telling me it’ll come back to him. I think she’s terrified of dealing with his grief all over again. She puts too much on herself … and on me, too. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t …” Her voice faded as she bit her bottom lip to keep her tears away.

Owen squeezed her shoulder.

* * *

“You can’t just stop coming to see him,” Heaven said when Avery walked into work that afternoon. Heaven hadn’t been there for over a week, so Avery was surprised to see her.

“We’re moving him to his house in a week,” Heaven continued. “Mom and me are going to stay there until he’s healed enough to move around on his own. It’ll be easy for you to come see him since he’s right next door.”

Avery dropped her bag on the floor and sat down. Her ivy plant was looking awful. She reached out to touch the leaves and one fell off. “No use in keeping the light on,” she said, and switched it off. “I’ll take the poor thing home tonight. Maybe Chloe can revive it.”

Heaven wheeled back in her chair and folded her arms. “Don’t do this, Avery. You can’t do this to him.”

Avery turned on her. “Do
what
? It’s pointless. He’s not going to remember me.”

“How do you know that?”

“He’s not going to remember me! I know all about forgetting things, okay? It’s never the same when it comes back. It’s disjointed and backward half the time, and the same emotions don’t just come attached to the memories. It’s always tied to the present and what’s happening at the moment. I’ve seen the way he looks at me now. Even if he remembers me, I’m not the same Avery as before. You’re a psychology major. You should know this shit.”

“You’re wrong,” Heaven snapped. “He fell in love with you once. He’ll do it again, but you have to make the effort.”

Avery shook her head and got up to grab a book from the shelves. She found one with a torn cover and slammed it down on the table. “You don’t get it. You just want to fix things. Haven’t you ever tried to fix a broken teacup before? You can’t just glue it back together and expect it to be the same. There will be missing pieces and it’s more likely to break again. He’s that teacup, Heaven, and I could break him even worse than before. It’s over, okay?”

She started working on the cover, her movements brisk and efficient. She was right and Heaven knew it. There was no going back once the cup was broken.

* * *

The next morning Avery woke up on her bedroom floor. It was where she slept now since her bed triggered the most horrible memories. Worst of all was that she was pretty sure the entire incident with Kent had happened on top of her dad’s quilt. It was in the laundry now, but she knew the washing machine could only do so much. She’d found different sheets and blankets in the linen closet and was sure to keep her door shut at all times so her mother and Chloe couldn’t see her new sleeping arrangements and start asking questions.

She shoved the bedding under her bed and then stepped into the shower, determined to go on with her day-to-day routine. She couldn’t let her memory issues rule her life anymore. But as she stood under the stream of hot water, she closed her eyes and thought about Jordan and how he’d lost everything connected to her. Heaven had been right. He was a wreck now
—
not remotely the person he’d been before. Was it possible Avery had changed him that much? So much of what she admired most about him, his confidence and control, was gone now. She wanted to believe it was still there, that he would somehow dredge it up again, but after seeing him in the hospital she wondered how deeply buried it really was. He was so angry now, so hurt, so lost, and there was nothing she could do. He hadn’t given her any indication that he wanted her in his life now, so the only thing she could do was stand back, move on, take a shower, go to class.

Her hair still wet, she dressed and grabbed her school bag, stopping in her tracks when she opened her door and heard the familiar bickering between Chloe and her mom in the kitchen. Avery’s shoulders slumped as she leaned against her doorframe and waited for it to blow over.

“I never ordered you to come here, Susan,” Chloe’s voice tumbled through the house. “Don’t blame me if it’s interfering with your work schedule. I had no idea you were so married to it in the first place.”

“I’m not
married
to anything. Avery has always been my first priority.”

“Oh? Then why have you barely spoken to her since you arrived?”

“Because she doesn’t want me to. She needs space, can’t you see that? I’m here for her when she needs me …
if
she needs me.”

“She’s been just fine without you. I’ve taken good care of her.”

Avery could hear the edge in Chloe’s voice, even if her mom couldn’t. It felt wrong to have told Chloe something had happened with Kent but keep it from her mom.

“Is there a reason she’s such a mess?” her mom asked. “It can’t just be about Jordan. She won’t tell me anything, Chloe. We used to be so close and it’s just … it’s gone now.”

The silence that followed was heavier than any Avery had felt in a long time.

Avery’s Mom’s voice finally broke the silence. “It hurts that she’s not talking to me, but I keep asking myself if this is more about you than Avery. I’ve let Avery go to figure out things on her own, but now I’m afraid you want to hold on to her for yourself. If you wanted your own child you should have found someone after William died. But your heart is
still
broken, isn’t it? I’m afraid you still blame me for rubbing salt in your wounds by marrying John and having Avery. How dare I be happy when you were so miserable! After all these years, can you please forgive me?”

“Why do you think I haven’t forgiven you?” Chloe shrieked.

Avery felt a hot tear roll down her cheek and swiped it away with a jerk of her hand. She’d heard enough. Gritting her teeth, she stomped down the hallway and out the front door, letting the door bang on her way out. She was nothing but a pawn in their war. Everything they had said was true. Her mom had let her go, but her influence still hung over Avery’s head, and Chloe wanted to hold on to her because it helped assuage her own pain. Well, let them battle it out. Avery wouldn’t be there for them to throw around.

She kicked some pebbles off the sidewalk, ripped some leaves off a bush, and muttered under her breath about how much she wished things were simpler.

You sure you don’t want to stay at my place again?

Owen really was the only person she had left whom she could talk to about anything going on. She could stay there and get away from her mom and Chloe for a while. She would insist on sleeping on the couch instead of taking his room, at least, and her packed bag was still there anyway.

Instead of continuing on to campus, she paused at the bus stop and looked at the schedule. A bus was due to arrive in fifteen minutes going in the direction of Owen’s house. He didn’t have class until eleven. It was nine now, and she didn’t have class until 11:45. Perfect. Her breath caught in her throat as she realized how much she’d remembered without even looking it up.

Once on the bus, she stared at her hands. She hadn’t realized she’d been biting her fingernails lately, but there they were, chewed down to the nubs. They looked awful. She tucked her hands under her thighs and stared out the window. She would tell Owen everything, she decided. She wasn’t afraid to tell him about her forgetfulness because he’d been the one person least affected by it. He was happy now, dating other girls, and she was pretty certain even if she had dated him they would have ended up exactly as they were now
—
just friends.

She got off the bus and walked the block and a half to his house. It looked quiet. She hoped he wasn’t asleep. Walking up the steps, she rang the bell and waited. He said he didn’t like his housemates, but she got the feeling he liked them a lot more than he let on. It made her wonder if she should try to find a house to rent too. Maybe it was exactly what she needed.

The door opened and Avery looked up, hoping she’d see Owen instead of one of his half-dressed housemates. Instead, it was a half-dressed woman. Avery blinked a few times, not sure she was seeing what she was seeing.

“Tam?” she said, remembering the last time she’d seen her, all dolled up in costume. Now she was wearing a pair of boxers and a camisole riding up her midriff. Her hair tumbled around her face in a mess of matted curls.

Tam looked just as surprised, her eyes widening. All that stood between them was the screen door.

“Who … what … who …?” Avery couldn’t get her complete question out. Maybe Tam was with one of Owen’s housemates.
Please let it be one of them.

“Hey, who’s at the door?”

Owen appeared from around the corner, shirtless, wearing boxers with the same design as Tam’s. Avery just stared at both of them, her mouth hanging open.

“Ave?” Owen came closer, glancing at Tam with a worried expression.

“Tam is one of the girls you’ve been dating?” Avery finally managed to spit out. “I mean, I told you about Tam, right?” At that moment she couldn’t recall anything she’d told him.

Owen rushed forward, stepping in front of Tam. He pushed open the screen door and looked Avery in the eyes. “I thought I told you Tam was in my economics class. I just asked her out a few days ago, and last night …” He glanced back at Tam, who folded her arms and smirked.

Avery gritted her teeth and counted to ten. “You should know Tam doesn’t play nice. She knows you’re friends with me, and she probably thinks I’m interested in you. I’ll bet you a million bucks she slept with you to get back at me for kissing her boyfriend last year in high school.”

Owen swallowed and the screen door shut a little between them. “I know you mentioned Tam that first day we had lunch, but I
—
”

“I’m just warning you about her,” Avery interrupted. “See you around, Owen.”

She turned and walked back down the steps.

“Wait, Avery!”

She didn’t turn around.

“Avery, why did you come here? What’s the matter?”

Stopping in her tracks, she sniffed and stared down at the sidewalk. She felt Owen slipping away from her, just like everyone else. She had been a fool to think he would be any different, but with Tam in the picture there was no way her friendship with him could stay the same now.

“I just needed a place to stay … and a … a friend to talk to,” she finally answered, glancing over her shoulder. “But I’ll be fine. Bye.”

“Do you want your bag? You left it here.”

She ignored him and kept walking. By the time she reached the bus stop, she was seething even more than before. Had Tam planned all this or was it just a nasty coincidence? Either way, it stung. Just a few weeks ago three guys were interested in her, and now she was right back where she’d started. She had predicted it, but she hadn’t wanted it to come true. Perhaps she had done it to herself just by expecting it to happen.

“Avery!”

She turned to see Owen, now dressed, running barefoot down the sidewalk with her bag in his hand. She glanced at her watch. The bus had twenty minutes. Great. No escape.

“I don’t really feel like talking right now,” she muttered once Owen reached her. He held out her bag, waiting for her to take it.

“Why are you so upset?” he gasped. “You’re the one who said you didn’t want things to go anywhere with us. I thought you were happy for me.”

“I was, but that was before Tam.”

“What’s so wrong about Tam? She’s not out to get you, Avery. She told me what happened with you two in high school. She just wants to move on.”

“Yeah, right.” Avery folded her arms and stared across the street.

Owen dropped her bag on the sidewalk and let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t understand you. You reach out to people in the strangest ways, almost desperately, and then you resent them if they reach back.”

She turned to him, her fingers twitching at her sides. “That’s not how I am.”

“Isn’t it?” He glared at her. His hair was a mess and his goatee was a bit scraggly. “I’m really sorry about Jordan,” he said, looking down at his bare feet. “I’m really sorry you’ve lost something that meant so much to you, but maybe you shouldn’t give up so fast. People have a lot more to offer than you’re willing to give them credit for, you know.”

“No they don’t.”

She turned back to the street and shook her head. She thought about Kent and how sure he had been that she would forget what he’d done to her. He’d probably listened to her desperate message and realized she was going to remember a lot more than he thought, and then panicked. Even though he probably knew as well as she did that it would be difficult for her to prove anything now, she doubted she’d see him again anytime soon.

Owen narrowed his eyes. “You’re really jaded, aren’t you?”

“I have a right to be jaded,” she growled. “When I trusted a friend to take me home and he drugged me and took advantage of me, I have every damn right to be jaded.”

Her entire body shook as she realized what she’d just revealed.

Owen stood stone still. “Who did that to you?” he whispered.

She shook her head again and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to keep her tears inside. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does. Avery, tell me who did that to you.” He touched her arm, and she remembered resting her head on his shoulder as they’d watched the rain.

“One of Jordan’s friends. His name’s Kent,” she answered. “I can’t remember his last name, but it’s in my phone. I can’t remember so many things. I never told you I mixed you up with Kent and Jordan. I thought you were all the same guy.” A slightly hysterical laugh rose up her throat.