I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (12 page)

This is something to consider when you take that third date with a guy you’re not that into because he’s great on paper. Or if you’re debating whether it’s worth texting a dude you’ve been on four dates with because it’s been a week and he hasn’t contacted you. When shit is going to work out, there’s excitement in the air and both people can feel it’s going somewhere. Don’t date bros you’re lukewarm about,
because the next thing you know you’re settling and you have a back-burner boyfriend that you are obligated to babysit at pregames and your sister’s wedding. Because you’re a betch who has a ton of stuff going on and are constantly having fun and enjoying your life, you’re not going to settle for a guy who makes you “Larry David at a second cousin’s bris”–level enthused. Your time is super valuable, so don’t waste it with a guy you think is just okay.

If someone isn’t feeling “Fuck Yes” about you, ditch him. It’s his loss and your time would be better spent overanalyzing the actions of a guy who is actually rightfully obsessed with you. You’ll only be into one bro until the next one comes along, and when you’re both in “fuck yes” mode, you’ll know something legit has just happened.

When a guy asks you out on a date and follows through with it (i.e., he texts you a few days ahead to plan it, chooses a place and time, and doesn’t cancel), betches typically won’t tell him his choice sucks and pick a new one. No, we respect the bro’s effort because the effort is the most important factor (at first). However, there are a large percentage of guys who put minimal effort into first dates, which is marginally understandable but definitely unacceptable.

Here is the official guide to the dates you should accept and the ones for which you suddenly come down with Ebola.

Guy says:
“Let’s walk around and find a place.”

Unless he’s your long-time boyfriend where this actually could be sort of fun, this means he’s lazy AF. He doesn’t care enough about you to do any research, a.k.a. typing a neighborhood into Yelp. Like, have some common sense, dude, we’re going to wear heels, why would we want to “walk around.” This would be more enticing if the offer were to “drive around in an Uber and find a place” but he wouldn’t ever offer that because he’s probably cheap, too.

Betch should say:
Always blame it on the weather. If it’s nice weather: “Do you mind picking somewhere to meet? Let’s walk around after, it’s gonna be so nice out.” Or, “Ah
I think it’s supposed to rain, do you mind picking somewhere?” Or, “I’m not really feeling that well, sorry, rain check?”

Guy says:
“Want to come over and _____?”

Whether
blank
is
watch a movie, cook,
or
smoke weed,
if this is your first or second date, do not accept. Few relationships start so close to the bedroom and the guy you’re dating is no exception. While a lot of girls will think it’s hard to say no to this because they’re afraid to come off as “not chill” it’s important to remember that unless he’s an actual chef and actually wants to impress you, all he wants is to fuck. Which is fine, but like, not yet. The longer you make him wait the more he will think you are worth it.

Betch should say:
“Haha oooh that sounds awesome, but I’m in the mood to go out somewhere tonight.” Easy as that. If he still insists, then either stop answering his texts or take the straight-up route and say, “Honestly, I don’t really know you well enough to come over just yet. Sorry!”

Guy Says:
“Want to grab drinks this Tuesday around nine p.m.?”

If a guy still hasn’t taken you out to dinner, you have a problem. He’s either cheap, broke, manorexic, is fucking dating-clueless, or worse, isn’t taking you or this seriously. Taking a girl for drinks makes sense for dates 1 and 2. Maybe he suggests you guys order appetizers for the second
one. The point is, the more time the guy wants to spend with you the more he likes you. Drinks are a 20-minute commitment to getting you drunk enough to make out while dinner is a 1.5-hour commitment to feeding your wispy, thinspo frame. He knows this, you know this, your waiter who keeps asking if you guys want to order something or still need a minute knows this. So, what’s it mean if he only wants to get drinks with you each time? He’s either making you think you guys are dating so you sleep with him on the third or he’s just pregaming before going out. Either way, shut that shit down.

Betch Should Say:
“I’m actually trying not to drink that much this week but I’d be down to grab dinner instead.” If he insists on getting drinks because he has dinner plans before or some other bullshit reason you can just reply with “okay maybe some other time!” If he continues asking you for drinks keep using the same excuse. If he really wants to see you he’ll take you to dinner, if not, move on and drink a bottle of wine on your couch with your roommate and watch HBO. There’s no shortage of drinking buddies in your life, and your friend isn’t going to bore you by talking about CrossFit.

Red Flags vs. Dating Dealbreakers

Making it to the second date is probably one of the most pivotal moments in a relationship. If a guy asks you on a second date, it means your first impression was good and now you can work on not fucking up while slowly revealing more about who you really are. Getting a second date does
not
mean you should celebrate this milestone by giving head or wearing a formal dress the second time around.

The important thing is to proceed slowly and be chill. Don’t try to rush the relationship or get caught up in the guy. As in, you can casually let it slip on date three that your parents are divorced but don’t have a traumatic meltdown as you reveal that your mom never played Barbie enough with you as a child. Most guys have a mild to severe fear of commitment or intimacy so you should follow in his footsteps in terms of opening up about yourself. The beginning stages are all about having fun and getting to know each other, not laying all your baggage and ultimatums on the line.

If you’re asked on a second date, you guys have piqued each other’s interest. In addition to keeping it light, you should be taking this time to judge him to see if the two of you get along well, share similar interests, or if his profession that his “mom is a saint” is just something you cannot deal with. Once you’ve mastered the first date, it’s all easy street from there, assuming you don’t do anything psychotic like have a breakdown, get wildly drunk, or order Buffalo wings.

Dear Head Pro,

Since you are a pro, I was hoping you could have the answer to my question about the guys of our generation.

There have been two different times when I’ve hung out with a guy thinking that we were just hanging out and then later, after the fact, they will refer to it as “our first date” and I was unaware of the “fact” I was on a “date” with these guys at the time. And after talking with my friend, she’s told me that a similar situation has happened with her several times with different guys.

I guess what I’m asking is:

1. Am I being an oblivious idiot for not realizing I’m supposed to be on “dates” with these guys or is there something wrong with these guys for being delusional daters and thinking that we were on a “date”?

2. Are my friend and I correct in assuming that for something to be a legitimate date both parties should be informed BEFORE and not after that it is a date? And if so is it the guy’s responsibility to make that clear or our responsibility to ask?

3. How can I know in the future if I am on/have been on a “date” with someone before he labels it as such?

Please use your wisdom to help this betch out, Head Pro.

Confused kisses,

Betch who goes on ambiguous “dates”

Dear Betch who goes on ambiguous “dates,”

This is a pretty common complaint, so much so that there’s some scientific basis in it. A 2012 study called “The Misperception of Sexual Interest” found that, in general, men tend to overestimate women’s interest in them, while women tend to underestimate a man’s interest. This makes some sense, given the way we go about dating and courtship: Men are generally the initiators, so there’s an evolutionary advantage in using your belief that every woman wants to fuck you as motivation to get up in the mix. Since women are the ones who do the choosing, it behooves you to be more selective and to assume a guy’s not into you until he proves otherwise. This was probably very useful when we were hunting and gathering on the fucking Serengeti, but in modern times it leads to the kind of wacky hijinks you and your friend encounter.

That said, I’m not sure what you’d have guys do. When a guy asks you out on a romantic date, should he present you with a notarized letter of intent? Do you want some kind of dating punch card, so you know exactly the point at which you’re going steady (and eligible for a free Subway foot-long)? Should they start wearing fedoras, kissing you on the hand and calling you “m’lady”? Maybe an arranged marriage would be more your style. If you’re hot enough, your family could get away with as little as three goats and a barrel of soybeans for a dowry, which is a steal these days.

If none of that sounds particularly good to you, then do what most postpubescent girls do and assume that if a guy you aren’t related to asks you to hang out one-on-one, it’s because he’s interested romantically. He doesn’t (or shouldn’t) have to clarify what it is—that’s what he’s doing when he asked you out. As adults, we don’t have notes to pass or friends to act as mediators or school dances to attend, the invitation to which signals interest. While it’s always possible that a guy just wants to hang out platonically, the more likely answer is that he’s using the only means available to him to express his interest short of writing a note that says “Do you like me, y/n?”