Hurts So Good (11 page)

“No, I’m not in a relationship.” He leaned forward because trying to take on this relaxed pose just wasn’t working for him. “Sunny is like a little sister. There is absolutely no romance in there.”
In fact, just thinking about Sunny in that way made him feel nasty, and not in the good kind of way.
“I actually haven’t been in a relationship since you.” Saying that out loud made him sound like some kind of freak. Oh, he had been with women, but it had only been for a few hours at a time, just enough time to get his dick wet and get them both off. There was no emotion, no intimacy like he had when he had taken Jane’s virginity.

“You haven’t been in a relationship in ten years?” She sounded shocked, but he couldn’t blame her. It was strange as hell that he had only used women for the pleasure they gave him. Of course he didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life, and sure as hell didn’t want to have one-night stands until he couldn’t get it up anymore.

“Yeah, pretty weird, I know. But there isn’t a female out there that would put up with my bullshit.” He grinned, attempting a little humor since melancholy had settled inside of him. He hadn’t wanted to think about what he was missing in his life, but seeing Jane again had reality setting in. He wasn’t getting any younger, and wouldn’t be able to fight for the rest of his life. Yeah, at twenty-eight he was in prime health and fit as fuck, but in the fighting world twenty-eight was closing in on retirement age. He wanted a wife and children to take care of, but honestly, he didn’t see that for himself.

“Don’t say that. You’ve changed a lot in your life, and that took a lot of courage and strength given what you went through.” She reached out for him. She placed their entwined hands in her lap and offered him the most warming smile. “I want us to be friends again, want us to be close to where we can tell each other anything. Just like before.” She broke his damn heart. She saw
good
in him when he had turned his back on her. There was no judgment because of it, or of how he chose to live his life now. “I’m glad you met Harlond and Sunny, and that they were able to help you when you were lost. I just wish I had been able to do the same.” His throat closed up at the pain in her voice. Mack had always been strong, had used that strength to keep this wall away from him, but just one look at Jane and that wall crumbled. He wanted to tell her that he hadn’t pushed her away because he didn’t care about her, or because he hadn’t known she loved him beyond words. It was just because at that point in his life he hadn’t been able to accept what any other offered, and that was something he would always regret. Emotion was thick within him, and without thinking, because he just needed to hold
her,
Mack reached out, pulled her in close, and gave her the hug that he had been wanting to give her since she left Absinthe. She felt good, smelled faintly of citrus, and the softness of her body pressed against the hardness of his made him feel so fucking good. And when he closed his eyes he pictured them back in his room, with him buried deep inside of her, and the knowledge that she was
his
washing through him. He pictured a time when everything hadn’t been fucked up by death, grief, and
pain,
and that had him smiling bigger than he had since his parents died.

Chapter Seven

Jane sat at her two person kitchen table and ran the pad of her finger over the rim of her coffee cup. The steam from her drink billowed out of the ceramic in swirling tendrils. She stared out of the dining room window at the condo right across from her. A twenty-something woman was standing in the middle of her yard with one of those small, yappy little dogs.
 
It had only been a day since she had spoken to Mack at his place, but in the last twenty-four hours she hadn’t been able to think about much else. She should be focusing on getting her shit together for the first day of work come Monday, and about talking to Graison and how things stood between them, but it had been the hours she had spent with Mack, doing nothing but talking and catching up, that had consumed Jane’s thoughts. When she had finally gone home that night, it had been nearing three in the morning. Mack had insisted on following her to make sure she got there okay, and that had elicited a little girly sigh from her. She had lain in bed until the sun had peeked through her window, and when she finally had fallen asleep it had been to have dreams of Mack. Jane had slept nearly the whole day away, but now it was the next morning and she hadn’t talked to him again.

Maybe she should have felt guilty for her thoughts, given the fact she was still with Graison, but aside from holding hands that one time, and that one hug they shared, neither of which had been sexual in her view, just more comforting, things were completely innocent between them. Well, aside from her thoughts. But innocence wasn’t what Jane wanted. It had been only a week since she was back in Absinthe, and already she found her feelings right back on Mack, and consumed by him. She needed to talk to Graison, though, stop stringing this along, and tell him that things just wouldn’t work out. Jane would explain to him about how she felt, and hoped they could part on amicable terms. She didn’t want any hatred between them. It wouldn’t be fair to him when she didn’t see them moving forward. Of course she didn’t have any delusions that she and Mack would get together, but what she did know for a fact was she wasn’t in love with Graison.

After finishing her coffee and watching the neighbor with her little yappy dog walk around the postage stamp sized lawn for another five minutes, Jane got ready for her day. The sound of her phone ringing in the next room had her quickly putting her hair up in a sloppy pony tail and dashing back into the kitchen to answer it. When she saw it was Graison her heart thundered, and nervousness kicked in. They needed to talk, but she wasn’t about to break it off over the phone. He deserved better than that.

“Hello?” she said.

“Hey, honey.” She pulled a chair out and sat down. “I was just checking up on you. I sent a few texts and called last night, but you didn’t call me back.” There was clear disappointment in his voice.

“I’m sorry. I did see that you called, but it was late when I realized.”

“That’s okay. I’m sure you’ve got a lot going on what with getting the office ready.” The sound of Graison typing on his computer came through the receiver.

“Are you at work?
On a Sunday?”

“Unfortunately.
Dustin called me yesterday and asked if I could work for a few hours today.” There was more typing. “So, the office ready?”

“Yeah.
I’ll go in early tomorrow and just make sure the computer programs for Celine are running smoothly, but they were when I checked them last.”

“Have you been at least relaxing before you start?
Maybe going out with Celine?
You know it will probably be hectic the first few weeks.” He was right, and as Jane picked at the edge of the table, she knew she didn’t want to lie to him.

“Actually I ran into an old friend.” Graison made a humming noise as if he was interested, but she knew his attention was on his work. “We spent hours talking on Friday. It has been ten years since I saw him.” She heard sudden silence as he stopped typing.

“He?”
Graison wasn’t a jealous man, or at least he had never acted like one, but there was curiosity in his voice. He seemed to catch himself. “I’m glad you’re reconnecting with old friends. Did you guys go to school together?” He resumed typing, but she could tell in his voice he was very interested in the conversation now. Jane hadn’t talked about what happened between her and Mack to anyone aside from her parents, because frankly she didn’t think it was anyone’s business, and because that was a hard time in her life and bringing it up just reopened the wound. Watching the guy she loved hurt was just like she was hurting as well.

“Yeah.
Actually … we used to date.” Graison cleared his throat, but it was soft, as if he was actually startled she had answered the way she had. There was an awkward pause on the line.
“Graison?”

“Okay, well, I better finish these financial reports or I’ll be stuck in the office all day.” Graison appeared upbeat, but she knew him well enough to know that he was upset.

“Are you okay? I didn’t mean to make you mad. I just wasn’t going to lie to you. We kind of ran into each other, and it’s been ten years since we talked.”

“Of course not, Jane.
I’m just swamped is
all.
But I do have to go.” She closed her eyes and rested her arm on the table.

“Graison, I think we should talk.
There’s
actually some things I want to discuss with you.” Bringing this up on the phone was certainly not what she had wanted, but if they could just get together and speak in person things would be so much better.

“That doesn’t sound very good.”

She was a horrible person, and Graison didn’t deserve this. To be honest she had never been with anyone aside from Mack and Graison, at least not in a long-term relationship. Focusing on school had been her priority, and she did care for Graison, she really did.

“Maybe you should just tell me what you need to say on the phone? If it’s important I don’t want you to have to postpone it.”

She breathed out and rested her head in her hand. “I just would like a little face-to-face time.” This conversation certainly hadn’t gone the way she envisioned it, but then again she really hadn’t thought about how she was going to talk to Graison.

“Jesus, Jane. If you’re going to break up with me then just do it now. Why drag me all the way to Absinthe to say what you could just say right now?” Graison’s voice rose slightly.

“Graison—”

“No, Jane.” He exhaled roughly, and she heard the sound of his seat creaking as if he were leaning back in it. “I’m not really sure what is going on.”

“I didn’t want to talk about this over the phone,
Graison
. We have been together for two years.” She heard him breathing, but he didn’t reply right away.

“Is this about breaking up with me?” He didn’t give her a chance to answer right away. “Just be honest with me. You’re right, we have been together for two years, and I think I deserve the truth. Does this have anything to do with the old friend you met up with?”
 
The sound of him exhaling loudly came through the phone like a slap to the face. “Listen, I didn’t mean to sound angry or accusatory. I just want to know what is going on. When a woman says they want to talk face-to-face it is never good.”

She took a deep breath herself. “No, this doesn’t have anything to do with seeing Mack, not really anyways.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I have been having these feelings about our relationship since before I left for Absinthe.”

“What kind of feelings are you talking about?” He sounded calm, but she could hear the way he ground his teeth, something he did when he was frustrated.

“It just means that something has changed between us, Graison.” She rubbed her hand over her eyes, suddenly feeling so weary. “We are going in two very different directions. Having this conversation over the phone was the last thing I wanted to do, because you do deserve better.” Tears threatened to erupt, but she held them back. “I love you, Graison. I’m just not in love with you anymore.” The sound of him grinding his teeth rose before he grew quiet once more. “I’m sorry. I really wanted to talk to you in person. I hate this, because you are such a good man, and you deserve someone that loves you the way you love them.” Still he didn’t say anything for several seconds.

 
“Can we talk later, Jane?” She
sagged
her shoulders forward. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but words failed her. “Maybe we do need to talk about this more in person, because right now I have no idea what in the fuck is going on with you.” His chair squeaked again, and then she heard him typing. He had shut her out, or more precisely, shut this conversation out. “I just need to wrap my head around some things, okay?” He stopped talking, and his heavy breathing sounded angry. “We’ll talk later.”

“Graison—” The sound of him ending the call was the loudest thing she had ever heard, and her chest started aching fiercely. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes
Setting
her cell on the table, she covered her face with her hands and breathed out. He had been the first man she had allowed herself to be happy with since losing Mack. Even though she had wanted this break-up, she also felt like she had lost a little bit of herself.