Hurts So Good (14 page)

“I’m not saying jumping from one relationship to the next is what I want to do, but I know that I don’t want to rule anything out between us, Mack.” His heart was beating so damn fast and hard it felt like it was lodged in his throat. “What I do know with every part of my being, is that for the last ten years I have thought about you every day, and when I saw you fighting that night, all of my feelings I thought I had buried deep down inside of me came rushing to the surface. I never stopped loving you, Mack.”

“God, Janie, I never stopped loving you either.” He took her hand, but she placed hers in her lap.

“I just want to make sure things are finally over between me and Graison, and I don’t want to do something that I’ll regret later because I hurt someone I care about.” Her blue eyes were so expressive, had always been that way. He remembered the times he had been able to know what she was thinking by the emotions that moved across her face alone.
 

“Janie, I am in no rush. We were friends before … anything else happened between us, and I just want that friendship back.” She reached across the table and took his hand, and although he felt a surge of electricity slam into him at that small touch, being just friends with her was a hell of a lot more than he even deserved. This time he would do things right, no matter what.

Chapter Nine

Jane’s mind was occupied with the lunch she had just had with Mack, and the fact he wanted to rekindle their friendship, and wasn’t rushing her into anything. This certainly wasn’t how she had seen things going between them, but as she found out many times over in life, when shit happened it usually hit the fan, too. She put her blinker on to turn onto her street, stopped at the gate where she had to enter her password, and waited for it to allow her entrance. When Mack had said he never saw her as a “gated community” type of girl, he hadn’t been using an analogy. The condos were a new addition to Absinthe and literally surrounded by a gate. It was mainly a lot of retirees, but there was the occasional twenty-something year old, like herself. The gate opened up, and she drove down the small two-way lane, turned onto her street that was equally small, and instantly saw Graison’s Lexus sitting in her driveway. Her heart started to race at the confrontation that was about to surely happen. Pulling her car next to the curb and cutting the engine, she spotted him sitting on the porch step, his elbows on his thighs and his head bent. When she got out of the car he lifted his head and watched her approach. She didn’t ask why he was here, or how he had gotten in. He knew her code to get through the gates, and clearly wanted to have a face-to-face, too.

“Hi.” He stood and smiled, but there was something definitely off about him. His eyes were bloodshot, and when she moved closer the faint smell of alcohol came from him. “Graison, are you drunk?” She was only a few feet from him, and when he exhaled roughly and ran a hand through his hair she got a concentrated whiff of his breath. It smelled like straight up liquor.

“I’m not nearly drunk enough for this, but obviously I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t been drinking.” He looked at her, and her chest ached because she was the cause of this. “I didn’t sleep last night, and I’m sure I smell pretty ripe right now, but I was drinking until a few hours ago.”

Anger started to replace her sympathy. “And you thought it was a good idea to drive all the way here while intoxicated?” At least he had the sense to look ashamed.
“God, Graison, you could have gotten into an accident and hurt yourself as well as other people.”
She moved past him. She held the door open and looked over at him. “Come on. I’ll get you some coffee.” He stepped into the house, and she shut the door. Without looking at him because she was pissed as hell that he had been so careless, she went into the kitchen, tossed her purse on the table, and started brewing a pot of coffee. The sound of it percolating filled some of the awkward, angry silence. She turned to look at him. Jane crossed her arms over her chest. Graison pulled the chair out and sat his big frame in it, rested his head in his hands, and groaned. Grabbing a few pain relievers and a big glass of water, she set them in front of him and went over to grab two cups of coffee. Once she was in the seat across from him she didn’t know what to say. Oh, there were a lot of things going through her head, a lot of things she had to say, but having him show up drunk, clearly looking horrible and knowing it was because of her, had her throat closing and her tongue tied.

“I’m sorry, Jane.” He leaned back in the chair, and the wood creaked from his weight. She really took a moment to look at him. His light brown hair looked out of place, and not in the stylish way that he usually kept it. His whiskey colored eyes looked so lost with the bags under them.

She sighed. “I should be the one to apologize.” He closed his eyes, rubbed them, and looked so damn tired. “I was actually going to head up to Colton today and talk to you.”

“You were?” He leaned forward and rested his arms on the table. “Well, that’s great.”

“I just felt really awful about our last conversation, and then you weren’t picking up your phone, and I knew I couldn’t leave things the way they were.” He reached across the table and took hold of her hand, but she knew it wasn’t in a friendly gesture. There was hope in his eyes, and she needed to explain a lot to him.

“I just want to make things work, Jane. And I know that I haven’t been there for you.”

“Graison—”

He cut her off with a firm shake to his head. “No, please, let me finish.” He inhaled deeply, and leaned back again in the chair. “I knew that I was working a lot of late hours, and I could see in the way you looked at me, talked with me, and the way you acted when we were together that I was losing you. I just didn’t know where to start to try and fix anything.” He reached into his pocket, and when he pulled out the little black velvet box her heart stopped.

“What are you doing?” She knew her eyes were wide, and she felt them nearly touch her eyebrows. He popped the little box open, and the diamond solitaire caught the light, sending a rainbow across the table.

“I’m going to be honest. I just bought this last night. I thought if I showed that I can commit, maybe things could be okay again.” He set the ring box down and stared at her.

“Graison, this isn’t what you really want.” He slammed his fist on the table, and coffee spilled over her coffee cup. She jumped a little. He covered his eyes with his hand.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that.”

“Maybe you should go, sleep off the alcohol, and we can talk later.” He dropped his hand, and his arm made a
thud
when it fell against the table.

“I don’t need to sleep anything off, and I want to talk about this now. This is a long time overdue, Jane.”

Yeah, it was, but this was going down a very bumpy road.

“Fine, we can do this now then. Graison, can you honestly look at me, and tell me that getting married is what you truly want?” He had never been a spontaneous person, and
him
going out and picking out an engagement ring was pretty damn random. “I don’t think you’re
very
invested in this relationship either. I mean, how many times have we seen each other in the last six months? Like really spent any time together?” He looked away from her, and for several long seconds he stared out her kitchen window.

“For the last two years it has just been you and me, Jane.” He looked back at her, and she saw a muscle tick under his jaw.

“That’s not what I asked. I want to know if the only reason you stayed with me was because that was what was comfortable. Can you honestly look at me and say you’re still in love with me?” He didn’t say anything for several long seconds, and she knew his answer before he even said anything.

“I do love you, Jane.”

“And I love you. But I’m not
in
love with you, and I don’t think you are in love with me.” He slowly shook his head, but she could tell it wasn’t because he was disagreeing with her. “I’ve noticed little things in you that have changed, too, Graison. You stayed with me because that is what you have known. You don’t really want to marry me.” She closed the ring box and pushed it across the table to him.

“No, maybe this wasn’t exactly how I thought of proposing, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about us getting married.”

Yeah, she had thought about it, too. They had been together long enough to know how each other worked, and even if the relationship with Graison had been longer time-wise than hers had been with Mack, she knew in her heart that Mack was the guy for her.

“Graison, it isn’t your fault how I felt. You working more, staying late, and us not being able to see each other isn’t why I can’t be with you anymore. There is a lot more than that. I have just felt like things were going in different directions for us.” There was an awkward moment of silence that settled heavily between them.

“Just tell me if this has anything to do with the guy you met up with?” There was a spark of anger behind Graison’s bloodshot eyes.

“No, Graison, it isn’t.” It was partially the truth, but she knew she needed to be totally honest with him. “Initially, it had nothing to do with Mack.”

“Initially?”
She saw the way he tightened his hands into fists on top of the table.

“I was going to break things off before I moved back to Absinthe, but then decided that I owed it to both of us to try. I care about you, and didn’t want to ruin a friendship that we could have had after everything ended. But then I ran into Mack, and we have a history, Graison, one that is complicated and deep, and one I am not going to get into with you.” He opened his mouth, but she continued talking because she knew what he was going to say. “No, I have done nothing sexual with him. I would never cheat on you, never betray anyone like that. We just talked, for hours, and I realized that the feelings I tried to bury for Mack weren’t buried at all. I had just masked them, and when I saw him again, and talked to him, I knew trying to stay with you wasn’t fair to anyone.” The sound of him grinding his teeth was loud, but he didn’t say anything, just picked up the box, put it back in his pocket and clenched his hand into a fist so tight his knuckles turned white.

“You’re in love with him, Jane?” Suddenly he seemed completely sober.

“I am, Graison, and I know he loves me, too. Our past is a bit rocky because of the things he went through during a hard time in his life, and I’m not saying I’ll elope with him tomorrow, but I do know that you and I staying together wouldn’t lead anywhere.” He looked away again, and when he nodded this time she knew he was agreeing. Finally, when he exhaled, it was like he was letting go.

“You’re right.” He looked at her, and his light brown eyes seemed very clear. “Yeah, buying this ring was a last ditch effort to try and save something that I already knew couldn’t be saved.” He stood, and she thought he would just leave, but instead he walked over to her. “You really love him, huh?” Jane pushed herself out of her seat and swallowed.

“Yeah, but don’t think that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you, too.” She looked at the ground, and she swore she could feel his sorrow.

“It sucks, I won’t lie, but I also don’t want to lose you. I love you, too, Jane, and I want you to be happy.” He pulled her in for a hug, and rested his chin on top of her head. They stayed like that for several seconds, neither speaking, but no words were needed. Finally he spoke. “If he ever hurts you I want to know. I’ll make sure to kick his ass.” Jane heard the teasing, yet still serious threat in Graison’s voice.

“Don’t worry, because I’ll kick his ass first.” The sound of Graison laughing was nice, and a deep vibration came through his chest. She was glad that he had been honest with her and himself over his feelings. He pulled away and smiled down at her.

“Don’t be a stranger, okay.”

She nodded. “You either.” With one last long glance, he nodded once, smiled, and showed himself out, but Jane called out to him before he walked out the front door. “Why don’t I call a cab for you? I don’t think it is smart to just let you drive out of here when you’ve been drinking, even if it has been hours since you had anything.” He hesitated for a moment.

“Yeah, that is probably the smart thing. I’ll call someone to come with me to get my car in the morning.”

She nodded and called a cab, because even though they weren’t together, she still cared about
Graison
as a person, and she didn’t want to see him get hurt, or anyone else for that matter. The cab showed up twenty minutes later, and after
Graison
was gone she went into the living room, sat on the couch, and breathed out. Suddenly she was pretty freaking tired, but it was more emotional than physical. She closed her eyes, and it wasn’t long before sleep claimed her.