Hurricane Butterfly (12 page)

“Don’t, please.” He grabs my arm, but I pull away and pick up the photo from the floor in front of the desk. There is a brown file with more photos. My whole body shoots up in goose bumps as I see the photo lying on the top.

“Just listen to me,” Josh pleads, but suddenly I feel like the room is starting to spin. My words caught in my throat as my heart starts to race and the tears sting in my eyes.

“What is this?’ I walk around but he holds onto me.

I look up at him though blurred eyes “Let go of me.” I accentuate every word.

He throws his head back, working his jaw. “I don’t know what‘s in there baby, please, just leave it, I can explain.”

My fingers work through the mountain of papers, photos, documents, and a stack of newspaper clippings:

Divorce rumors for Seattle’s golden couple…‌

Miscarriage plummets marriage in trouble…

Prominent businessman’s daughter found dead after suicide…

Lawsuit against Roxwell & Co after girl dies in building…

My heart stops as my eyes fall on the next photo.

It’s a woman…‌in a coffee shop…‌even though I have not seen her in fifteen years I recognize her instantly.

“Oh God.” I feel my legs give out underneath me, shaking like a leaf. Josh reaches for me before I fall. His arms fold around me like a steel cage, holding me back as I cry…‌I can’t breathe…‌I can’t breathe…

“Mom?”

Josh is speaking to me, but all I can hear is the beating of my own heart, thumping in my head. He touches my arm, but I pull away, delirious. “No, leave me alone, get away from me!”

His grip tightens around me as he carries me out of there kicking and screaming. I press my eyes closed as the hurt cuts me up from the inside like a barbed wire being pulled through me. The same feeling I had every night for years after she left.

I break free and run upstairs. He doesn’t try and stop me; he just stands there and watches me leave. I slam the bedroom door shut and curl up in a bundle on the bed as the nightmare rolls over me in waves.

The first things I feel as I open my eyes are the sharp edges of the photo scrunched up in my hand. My throat is thick and raw, and my eyes burn against the faint glow of the bedroom light. Josh sits on the edge of the bed, his fingers clenched in his hair, rocking slowly.

He looks up. The pain evident in his eyes. I want him to hurt. He lied to me, and I could see that he wasn’t going to tell me what I needed to know.

“Baby?” he leans forward to touch me but I recoil.

I shift up against the pillows, away from him. “Why do you have that file…‌the photos of my mother, and Ben and me…‌why?”

He opens his mouth, but no words come out.

“Don’t you dare lie to me, Josh. I might be a small town girl living a simple life but that doesn’t give you the right to invade my privacy!” My voice hurts, but I keep going.

“I haven’t seen my mother since I was five years old. Do you have any idea how hard it’s been all those years not knowing why she didn’t want me, where she was, every birthday, every Christmas, without her, and then you just have a photo of her in your file…‌it’s sick!”

My throat starts to close up. I jump up and started pacing the floor. He stands with his arms at his sides.

“Baby, please…”

“I’m not your fucking baby!”

He lifts up his hands, “Okay, okay just relax. That file is not mine—”

“Don’t lie to me!” I start marching towards the door, but he jumps in front of me.

“It was my mother’s, okay? I fucked the P.A to get the file. My mother’s lawyer was going to incinerate it. I swear it. My mother didn’t want anyone to see it after she died so she instructed her lawyer to burn it. I had no idea she kept tabs on Ben. I’ve never looked through this file or any of the photo’s, I swear it.

I thought there might be something in there about Lilly’s pregnancy or Colby. I took it out and saw the photos when you came in. I panicked, okay, I didn’t fucking know what to do! I knew you would freak, Jesus!” I jump as his fist slams into the wall beside me.

He lowers his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please just don’t leave okay. I know how this must look. It’s fucked up! I don’t want to fucking hide anything from you. I’m struggling to let go, to move on from all of this. But, that was until I met you,” he pleads.

His eyes are black as he looks at me, chest heaving. For the first time, Ben’s warnings are starting to make more sense. This is clearly only the tip of the iceberg. The secrets locked up in these files have their claws so deep inside of him, and now, it’s threatening to tear us apart. How did this happen? All I want is to be with him, but…I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m beginning to understand why Ben decided to break away. This family and its secrets are toxic.

Suddenly I feel as if the negative commentary my brain has been drip-feeding me was true. I have more questions than ever before, and even less answers. I cup my face in my hands, “I…‌I just don’t know.”

His on his knees in front of me pulling my hands from my face. I can see frustration and anger in his eyes. “Baby please, I’ve never felt like this about anyone before I met you. Lord knows I have a shit load of skeletons that I’m trying to keep inside the fucking closet but it’s killing me, my families secrets are making me into something I don’t want to be anymore. I wish I had known you in a different time in my life, but the truth is there’s never been a good time, and I don’t know if there ever will be. This is all I’ve got to give you, the broken parts. Please, just give me a chance to make this right.”

He holds my hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over the back. I look back at the bed where the crumbled photo of Mama lies. I thought I was over her, but seeing her after all this time just broke my right back down.

“Why would your Mother have a photo of my mom?” The tears streamed down my cheeks.

He walks to the bed and pulls me onto his lap. “After Ben left my mother got a private investigator to keep an eye on him. I guess she wanted to know he is safe. The only logical explanation for the photo’s of you and Ben is because he was here doing his fucking monthly rounds or whatever the fuck Private Investigator’s do, and he got the two of you on the porch. I don’t know why there’s a photo of your Mother. Maybe he thought you were together and my mother wanted to know more about your family-I don’t know-I’m guessing here.”

I get up and walk to the window. A sharp pain shoots through my heart as I see Josh’s reflection in the glass. He looks so lost, so vulnerable. Amidst all the freaking out I forgot how he must feel knowing he’s mother had done all this. Shit. Here I am accusing him of something that wasn’t really his fault.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you, it’s just, I didn’t expect any of this, I thought I’m okay, but I’m not. I really want to be with you, I’ve never felt this way about anyone and it scares the crap out of me. But you’re not letting me in Josh, I can’t help you if you don’t trust me.”

“Oh baby” He’s at my side before I can blink. Feeling his strong arms around me is like a buffer from all the ugliness, hurt and pain.

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea. This is exactly what I didn’t want. I never wanted to hurt you, sweet Jesus, you’re the reason I need to put this behind me. I can’t do this anymore baby. The hate, the anger and regret…it’s killing me, until I met you. I know that I’ve shut you out but it’s only because I didn’t want you to get hurt. I promise, if you give me a chance I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right. If you want to find your mom, I can do that, I’ll do anything, just don’t go…please.”

Chapter 29

“Earth to Sophie”

Alice stands in front of me holding a dress in each hand. “Which one?”

“Uhm…“I give her a sheepish smile. After Josh brought me home on Monday I’ve been a mess. It is like my body has been torn into pieces, like shards of a broken mirror, and in each piece there is something dark staring back at me. I didn’t even know where to begin to make sense of it all.

She throws the clothes over the back of the sofa and falls down next to me. “So you going to tell me what’s really bugging you, cause I’m not buying the whole you think you’re coming down with something crap.” She folds her lips over her teeth and pries the tub of caramel ice cream from my hands.

I pull my knees up to my chest and fold my arms around my legs. “I saw a photo of my mother.”

“Whoa what?” she leans forward, eyes stretched, mouth open.

Even hearing myself say the words made my mouth feel dry. I swallow the lump in my throat trying to think how to deliver this not to make it sound so freaky, but it was too messed up. I might as well just spit it out.

“Josh’s mother had a Private Investigator follow Ben after he left, and he followed him back to Port Angeles.”

Her hand flew to her mouth, “Oh my God.”

“There’s photo’s of Ben with me, and, Josh recons his mom thought that we were a couple and she wanted to know more about me so she had him dig into my family.”

Alice lowers her hands from her mouth. “Oh my God, I…‌I don’t even know what to say. Fuck! Does Ben know?”

“Uhm, no, I- we don’t think so. His mother instructed the lawyer to burn the file if something happens to her. You should see it Alice; it’s so fucked up. Old newspaper clippings of when she had a miscarriage, their marriage, everything is in there.”

“How did Josh get it?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“OMG.” She sat back against the arm of the sofa. “I’m so sorry Soph I don’t even know what to say-It’s just-“

“I know. It’s fucked up. I freaked out, when I saw the photo…I lost it…I thought he knew about it, but he didn’t. He found the photo of Ben and I just as I walked into the room and that’s when I grabbed the file and saw the photo of my…mom.”

“Fuck.” Alice licked a glob of ice cream from the spoon and hands me the tub.

“I don’t know what to do, I mean, it’s not him, it’s his family. I guess his mom did me a favor. If she weren’t so concerned for Ben then I wouldn’t know that she’s still alive.”

Alice takes my hand, pressing it tight. “Oh hun, look, forget about the date, I’m staying here with you tonight.”

“No, no please, I don’t want you to do that, just go, I’m bad company anyway, just leave me with the ice cream and I’ll be fine. I promise.”

“Soph, don’t try and bullshit me, I know you. You’ve been moping around since Josh brought you back and I’m kinda pissed off that you’re only telling me now.” She glares at me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to bug you when you’re busy at work and besides, it’s my shit. I need to sort it out.”

She puts her hand on her heart, “Ouch.”

I lean forward and lay against her with my head on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, you know what I mean.”

“What are you going to do about your mom?” she strokes my knotted hair. I’m still in my PJ’s and looked like hag.

“I don’t know.”

“How’s Josh taking all of this?”

I exhale, but the heavy feeling sitting on my chest is still there. “I don’t know, he said he had stuff to take care of, he doesn’t really go into specifics.”

She pulls a face, “Maybe that’s for the best hun, I’ m sure he’s got a lot on his plate, and I guess he must feel pretty shit about his mother having that file.”

“What’s going to happen to us, Al? I mean, what if Ben was right and his life’s too complicated for a relationship?”

“Like being in love with your best friend?” she snorts.

I turn around and lay on my back, looking up at her. With everything that’s been going on I’ve forgotten how hard things are for her right now. “Have you heard from him?”

“He calls, it’s okay, but I can’t see him doing the whole long distance thing.” she says contemplatively, playing with my hair.

“What are you going to do?”

“Accept the inevitable.” she said in a serious tone.

“I’m beginning to think that’s not such a bad idea…”

Chapter 30

~Josh~

After the fucking nightmare the file had unleashed, I had to take care of a few things including a meeting with the Investigator who was responsible for the photos. Turns out he had a lot more dirt on my family which he could use against us for the right price. Mutt paid the dog and got a box full of incriminating evidence in the Apartment 402 case. Seems like my father’s lawyers and the Mayor’s office tried to make this mistake go away. But shit like that tends to resurrect itself, and now it’s coming after me.

Sophie spent the rest of the week with Alice but that was as much time away from her as I could take. Now that she knows a little bit more about my family I thought it would be a good idea to bring her to the house where we lived before Ben left. Maybe Ben would come around on Sunday before they go back home.

The car slows and she sits up, bright-eyed, looking at the house as the gates open slowly. “This is your house?” she looks back at me. “It’s beautiful, Josh.”

“I’m glad you like it.”

She looks around at the gardens and the fountain as we pass, “I love it.”

I pull up outside the front door where Annie is already waiting for us, hands clasped to her chest. She is like a mother hen, and I am glad she is here for Sophie. She swings around and looks at me with big eyes. “Who’s that?”

“That’s Annie, she’s the lady of the house, and she’s very excited to meet you.”

Her hand flies to her hair, “Do I look okay?”

I lean her over and kiss her, stopping the rambling. She lets out a deep breath when I pull away. “You are perfect baby, and she’ll love you.”

By the time I take the suitcase from the trunk, Annie has her arm around Sophie escorting her into the house. I walk in and close the front door, then take the suitcase up to my room. When I get back downstairs, Sophie sits in the lounge with a cup of tea.

“Oh Josh, she’s just beautiful, Mrs. Grace would have been so happy,” Annie coos over Sophie as I walk in, hovering over her as if she is her own daughter, who she sadly lost a few years ago. I stand behind Sophie and kiss her on the head. She looks up at me with a blushing smile and I feel that ache in my chest again. The one that seems to keep coming up whenever I’m with her.