Hung Up (14 page)

James:
Even if I took that comment as an anatomical reference to yourself, it really wouldn’t have been sexual. The thought of eggs doesn’t turn me on. It’s like saying the word “sperm” is sexual.

Lucy:
Saying the word “sperm” is totally sexual. I mean, that’s what’s released during sex.

James:
Lucy, I’m aware of that.

Lucy:
I’m just saying.

James:
This conversation has taken a turn toward the bizarre.

Lucy:
I agree. When I called you, I was hoping we could return our talks to a more normal place. But this. Talking about my eggs. And your sperm. That’s not the normal place.

James:
I’m not talking about your eggs. Or my sperm. We’re discussing Paris.

Lucy:
Right.

James:
So when will they hatch?

Lucy:
In about eighteen days. Unless Paris tries to eat the shells off the eggs.

James:
Why would Paris do that?

Lucy:
She’d do it if her calcium levels were low. You know, it takes a lot to lay an egg, James.

James:
I imagine it does. Are you going to record the hatchings?

Lucy:
That’s a great idea!

James:
Do you need a camera?

Lucy:
Maybe.

James:
I might have something to offer you yet.

Lucy:
You’d mail me your camera to borrow?

James:
No. I’d bring it.

Lucy:
I know I’m being lame about not meeting you sooner.

James:
Finally.

Lucy:
But I like this idea.

James:
Do you want to meet sooner?

Lucy:
I’ve got a crazy schedule these next couple of weeks. My parents want me to tour colleges with them.

James:
Will you be up in Burlington?

Lucy:
With my parents. I’m not meeting you with my parents.

James:
Okay.

Lucy:
I like the idea that our first encounter would be the hatching of my eggs. That’s more like a movie than the first time we were supposed to meet.

James:
You and our movie-worthy first meeting. You’ve made it way more suspenseful than it needed to be. How will I know when to come?

Lucy:
It will be some time in the next eighteen days.

James:
You don’t want to set the camera up earlier to capture everything?

Lucy:
Not really.

James:
Will you call me and tell me exactly when to come?

Lucy:
Absolutely.

James:
Should I bring anything besides my camera?

Lucy:
Like what?

James:
I don’t know.

Lucy:
Just bring yourself.

James:
I might bring something else.

Lucy:
What?

James:
It will be a surprise.

Lucy:
Should I have a surprise for you, too?

James:
I don’t need a surprise.

Lucy:
Well, if you insist.

James:
You can get me a surprise if you want to.

Lucy:
I knew you wanted a surprise.

James:
Okay. We’ll each bring a surprise.

Lucy:
But nothing naughty.

James:
What do you think I was planning to bring? Porn?

Lucy:
Don’t say things that make me feel lame.

James:
When I say “porn,” it makes you feel lame?

Lucy:
You need to stop saying the word “porn” immediately.

James:
Okay.

Lucy:
So what are you going to do today?

James:
It looks like things are warming up. I’ll probably go for a run. What about you? Hey, how’s track going? Are you training for anything?

Lucy:
I don’t want to talk about track.

James:
Why?

Lucy:
I just don’t.

James:
Why?

Lucy:
Because.

James:
Because why?

Lucy:
I quit it.

James:
You quit? When?

Lucy:
March.

James:
But we’ve been talking since March and you told me that you ran track.

Lucy:
Did I say that
exactly
?

James:
Yes.
Exactly.

Lucy:
Oh.

James:
Why would you lie about that?

Lucy:
I didn’t lie.

James:
You’re either a member of the track team or you’re not a member of the track team. Which is it?

Lucy:
Well, if you put it that way, I’m not a member of the track team.

James:
Then you weren’t totally honest with me.

Lucy:
You’re right.

James:
Why not?

Lucy:
James, I wanted this to be a light conversation, but now we’re treading into serious waters again.

James:
We are? Because of track? Did you suffer some sort of injury?

Lucy:
James, I sort of have
limitations
.

James:
What does that mean? You had to give up track because of a physical condition?

Lucy:
Oh, my limitations aren’t physical.

James:
I have no idea what you’re trying to tell me.

Lucy:
Is it that important that I tell you right now?

James:
Yes.

Lucy:
Okay.

James:
You’re not saying anything.

Lucy:
I’m deciding how to phrase it.

James:
Just spit it out.

Lucy:
Pth. Pth.

James:
What are you doing?

Lucy:
Making spitting noises.

James:
Lucy, stop kidding around and tell me why you quit track
and
why you lied to me about it.

Lucy:
Okay. Okay.

James:
I’m still waiting.

Lucy:
James, I am an emotionally limited person.

James:
So you had to quit track for emotional reasons?

Lucy:
Sort of.

James:
You need to do a better job explaining this.

Lucy:
I can’t.

James:
You mean you won’t.

Lucy:
No. I can’t. It’s part of my emotional limitations. It’s part of why I don’t text-message people. It’s part of why it took me so long to call you back.

James:
You’re starting to freak me out.

Lucy:
Don’t say that. I’m opening up to you.

James:
Yeah, but in a way that confuses me.

Lucy:
I think I’m done talking about this.

James:
So that’s it? No more explaining?

Lucy:
I’ll explain more later. But not now.

James:
What else do you want to talk about?

Lucy:
I think I’m done talking altogether.

James:
Forever?

Lucy:
For now.

James:
Lucy, every time we talk, you get more and more puzzling.

Lucy:
I’m not trying to do that.

James:
Now I need to go take an aspirin.

Lucy:
When you say that I cause headaches, it hurts my feelings.

James:
I’m only being honest.

Lucy:
And a tad mean. Making up is a process.

James:
An excruciatingly long one, apparently.

May 5, 12:12 a.m.

James:
You didn’t call me today and I didn’t call you.

Lucy:
I’m aware of that.

James:
Did you have a good day?

Lucy:
I guess so. I’m sort of half-asleep and not all that interested in thinking too hard.

James:
But I want to talk. I’ve been reading Bo’s letters and there’s things in there I want to tell you about.

Lucy:
Really?

James:
Yeah. It’s good that I’m reading them.

Lucy:
What kind of stuff do you want to tell me about?

James:
I thought you wanted to go to bed.

Lucy:
I’m starting to feel more awake.

James:
I think he’s really sorry.

Lucy:
For being an alcoholic?

James:
No. For what he did.

Lucy:
I still don’t know what he did.

James:
Do you want to know?

Lucy:
Only if you want to tell me.

James:
I don’t like talking about it.

Lucy:
Then you don’t have to.

James:
When you don’t push me, and you act like how you are now, it makes me want to tell you.

Lucy:
I never meant to push. I’m just curious.

James:
What Bo did is really bad.

Lucy:
I know. You’ve already said that.

James:
Like, television bad.

Lucy:
You don’t have to tell me.

James:
But now I want to.

Lucy:
Okay. I’m listening.

James:
Bo got back from the party and he snapped. He’d been dating this girl, Cecil, and they’d broken up, and he saw her at the party. He got home and reached a breaking point and just snapped.

Lucy:
So you were there.

James:
Yeah. It was me and my mom and my dad. I’ve never told anybody about this.

Lucy:
Do you want me to ask questions or just be quiet?

James:
Just listen.

Lucy:
Okay.

James:
He was angry again. He always got angry when he drank. He got home and was yelling about Cecil and her friend, who wouldn’t even talk to him at the party. I was in my room. My parents were downstairs watching television. And I heard my mom screaming. It wasn’t even a specific word or anything. But the sound she made cut into me. Then I heard my dad yell, “Put down the gun.” It was so surreal. It felt like I was listening to a movie, except the voices were all familiar. I mean, my god, it was my dad yelling that. I ran downstairs. I remember turning the corner and seeing my mother’s face. I can’t even describe it. It was an expression of total suffering. Like something sharp was piercing her heart. My dad had his hand out. And he said it again, “Put down the gun.” I kept moving. Around the corner. That’s when I saw Bo. He was crying. His face was wet from tears and snot and sweat. He had my dad’s handgun. It was in his mouth. Out of instinct, I jumped toward him. I don’t know what I thought I was doing. Bo stepped back and I saw his finger move. He pulled the trigger.
Click. Click. Click.
Three times. I thought his head was going to explode. I thought I was going to see his skull burst. But
nothing happened. He pulled the gun out of his mouth and threw it on the floor.

Lucy:
So it wasn’t loaded?

James:
It was. But it only had one bullet in it.

Lucy:
Was he trying to kill himself?

James:
I don’t know what he was
trying
to do. He was wasted. He fell onto the floor. I couldn’t even understand what he was saying.

Lucy:
And then he went to rehab?

James:
That morning.

Lucy:
Did you have an intervention?

James:
After something like that happens, you don’t try to negotiate a rehab plan. You just take him. But I can still hear that click. And I can still smell him. It was vodka and sweat. And then vomit. Because he puked on the floor. My mother went over and sat him up. She rolled him out of his own mess. She was crying. Begging him to sit up.
But he was so blitzed. Like an enormous drunk baby. At first I hated Cecil for making him feel like this. But then I hated him. I hated him for making us go through this. Over and over.

Lucy:
Yeah. It doesn’t sound like it was Cecil’s fault. Or her friend.

James:
I get that.

Lucy:
He’d done that with a gun before?

James:
No, it was the first time with the gun. But he was always coming home smashed. Or getting loaded in his room. It’s like he just couldn’t deal with life.

Lucy:
Some people are predisposed for addiction.

James:
I guess. But at a certain point I think people choose their own lives. Yeah, Cecil broke up with him. Yeah, she ignored him at a party. But Bo is still responsible for what he does.

Lucy:
I’m sure he doesn’t want to be an alcoholic.

James:
I know, I know. I’m reading his letters. I know he’s sorry. He regrets what he’s done. I think he’s getting better.

Lucy:
That’s good.

James:
But I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again. I mean, once somebody takes you down that road. What do you do?

Lucy:
I think you have to try to trust them.

James:
I’m not there yet.

Lucy:
I think it’s okay if this takes time.

James:
It’s not that easy. None of this is that easy.