How We Lived (Entangled Embrace) (8 page)

“I know we’re not,” I mumbled. “But I still feel horrible about it.”

“Oh.” His body relaxed a little. “You don’t need to apologize.”

My head fogged over. He wasn’t pissed? He wasn’t even a little bit mad. There was something seriously wrong with this picture. “You don’t…care?”

A red splotch bloomed on his cheeks. “Kelsey.”

“No. Wait. Let me get this out. We’re semi-dating and I just told you I kissed another guy and I get nothing. Nothing. You don’t seem the least bit upset. I made out with him the day after
you pecked me on the lips
. And you’re fine with it?”

He lowered his eyes to the couch cushions. “I don’t know…”

With my hand, I lifted his chin. “Don’t you think there’s something wrong with that? If we want to be together, why would we wait? Why would I kiss someone else? Why would you not care?”

“You’re away, and—”

I shook my head. “I’m not mad at you and I don’t need excuses. You don’t touch me. You barely kiss me. It’s been five months. I’m…trying to figure things out in my head.”

“That’s probably not the best idea right now. You’re upset about your parents.” He pulled me to him and bent over to kiss my forehead, but I stopped him.

“Kiss me for real.”

His eyebrows arched. “What?”

“Kiss me. With tongue. Like you mean it.”

He shook his head. “This is stupid, Kelsey. You know I—”

“Don’t patronize me, Bear. I don’t understand this. It doesn’t feel right.” I scooted away and leaned against the back of the couch as I shoved my feet into my sneakers.

He grabbed for me. “Where are you going?”

“I’m upset. I’m leaving.”

“Why?” he asked, sounding scared.

“The one person in this world who loved me died. I can’t get my parents to give a shit about me, and I can’t get you to show me how much you care. If you even do at all.”

“I
do
care.”

“Then why don’t you fucking show it?”

“You want me to get mad at you because you kissed another guy? Are you listening to yourself? You want me to be angry with you?”

“Yes!” I swiveled to face him and some of the anger slipped from me like water through a grate. He looked broken. “It’s about feeling cared for. I need a full life right now. I don’t need half a life. I don’t need half a relationship. I don’t need half of my parents. I need a whole everything.” I spun away and went for the door.

“Kelsey.” His voice was soft, low. “Let me take you home.”

I thought he’d try to stop me. I thought he’d beg me to stay. I thought he’d actually kiss me. He didn’t.

“I’ll walk. I’m going back to school today anyway. I’d rather be by myself.”

“But…”

I opened the door and waited, gripping the knob tight to keep from turning. I didn’t want to lose my resolve. I didn’t want to give in when he hadn’t given me a reason to.

Finally, he sighed. “I’ll call you.”

…

-Chase-

She’d left with her mom, but didn’t come back with her. I found it hard to believe her mom would’ve taken her to school and left Kelsey’s car in the driveway. She never left her car home before. What if she needed it? What if something happened and she desperately needed a car?

It wasn’t any of my fucking business since we weren’t friends anymore.

Still, I remembered when Kelsey got that old beater. Kyle was gone. She’d been driving his ever since he’d left for boot camp, but she didn’t like to. Kyle was so anal about his car. He’d be pissed if he got back and his baby was scratched, or worse, destroyed.

Mr. Larkin had told her if she came up with half the money to buy her own car, he’d put in the other half. She’d been saving her money from working at the movie theater and had just enough to pay for one-half of a crappy car. You couldn’t tell her that, though. She loved that thing.

I looked around my room for something to do. I’d already checked in with my boss, Gary, over at Community Outreach, gave him an update on the programs I was in charge of, and faxed him over the new schedules. I’d called Vito and some of the other volunteers to work out some logistics for next month. I was at a loss. I would have taken one of my DDP classes over sitting in my room right now, worrying about Kelsey, and hearing her words repeat in my head.

And you’d know that if we were still friends.

I didn’t have friends. I didn’t have anyone except my mom, and sometimes Vito.

Work could have been a way to get out of the house; however, the one time I’d tried to solicit donations for our programs in person, I’d gotten jumped. Gary told me I could work from home after that. I was just happy he hadn’t fired me.

I needed this job. Though the lawsuit hadn’t bled us dry, it made me feel better to give Mom money. After all, it was my fault we’d gotten sued in the first place. She’d given up so much for me already, I wouldn’t let her give up her vacations. Or the money to get her hair done, or new clothes. That wasn’t fucking going to happen.

Screw it. I was going to go insane in here.

Putting my wallet in my back pocket, I decided to go for a walk. A nice, head-clearing walk. Once I got outside, it turned into a jog. Then the jog turned into a flat-out run. For ten blocks, I sprinted until the breath sawing in and out of my lungs burned so bad the pain completely obliterated every other thought from my brain. I stopped near the strip mall where Kelsey had worked at the theater, hands on my knees trying to catch my breath.

A horn honked and I looked up to see two middle fingers waving at me through a car window. I didn’t see who it was. I didn’t care. I pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and strode toward the theater’s doors. Watching a movie sounded like a plan. I could get lost in someone else’s drama for once.

When I got to the box office, I made sure to keep my head down. I took my wallet from my pocket and said, “Anything but a love story.” Thankfully they listened and handed me a ticket to one of those movies where the people put cameras up over their entire house to catch the ghost who was terrifying their family.

Kelsey loved horror movies. She’d beg me, Kyle, and Bear to watch them with her and then she’d keep her eyes closed for most of them. Never made much sense to me, but she swore it was fun even though she barely saw any of the movie.

As soon as I walked in, I almost turned right around and left. I’d forgotten horror movies were good date movies. I’d used that tactic myself tons of times. The girl gets scared and you hold her. Hello, easy move in for the kiss.

Some guys had their arms around their girls’ backs. Others were sharing soda. More were already making out. I sat in the back with my popcorn and stared straight ahead at the screen.

Kels and I were in this very theater when I first realized those weird things going on in my head were feelings for her. She’d called and told me she’d just gotten out of class, and that everyone had been talking about this new movie she was dying to see it. Kyle was deployed, Bear was working, and I didn’t have a date, so like the good friend I was, I agreed to meet her here.

When I walked in, she was already sitting and a guy she worked with was leaning against one of the seats next to her, talking to her. He was trying to flirt. I could tell. He had no game whatsoever, but the crazy emotion I’d been trying to pinpoint flared in my stomach again.

I’d been telling myself it was my protective instinct kicking in. Kyle wasn’t here to take care of her, but I was. It’d turned on full throttle the week before, too, when the guy she’d been seeing about a month broke it off with her. I found her crying in her car. I wanted to pummel the jackass for making Kels Larkin cry. Kyle would have wanted to do the same. Instead, I got in the passenger seat and whispered to her that she was better off. That he was a loser. And all those things girls loved to hear, except I was telling her the truth. I meant every single word.

The kid smiled when I clapped him on the back and stood next to her. “Keeping my place, I see. Thanks, man.”

His smile faltered and he looked between Kels and me. I wasn’t as big as Bear, but I tried to make myself look like it. The urge to tell him to back the fuck off ticked inside me like a bomb. It was a good thing he took the hint.

“Jesus. Thank you. He’s so weird,” Kels said after he’d walked away.

“Are you freaking dense, or what? He was trying to put the moves on you.”

“You think?” She looked back toward the exit. “He’s always so shy.”

I didn’t like the way she looked after him. “Don’t tell me you’re interested in that punk kid. He doesn’t look like he’d know what to do with you.”

She frowned at me. “News flash. Not everything’s about sex, playboy.”

I grinned. “You wouldn’t be saying that if you had any experience.”

Her eyes had narrowed, then she turned toward the screen and slumped away from me.

Looking back, I’d taken it too far. She was pissed and I hated it. Hated that I’d given her a reason not to speak to me or look at me. “Hey,” I said, nudging her. “Sorry. Do you want me to go talk to him?” Jealousy had crept up my neck, heating my skin there. I wanted her to say no and the realization fell on me like a ton of bricks.

Thankfully, she had. “No, I just want you to stop being a jerk.”

My eyebrow quirked. I was Chase Crowley. I could play this off cool. “Whatever you say, my Kels.”

She smiled and the simple gesture had lifted the weight off me.

I’d only said anything about sex because that was all I really had to recommend myself then. I didn’t have a job, unless you counted the few hours I worked at Tony’s Landscaping. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to college. School wasn’t my thing then, and it still wasn’t. Kyle’s either. At least he’d been determined to do something with his life and signed up for the military. I’d had a feeling the military wouldn’t be my thing.

“You heard from Kyle lately?” I’d asked her.

She looked down at her hands. “Um, yeah. A couple days ago, I think.”

“How is he?”

“Good. Fine.” She looked at me, then quickly away again.

“Did you tell him to call me?”

She ran her hands through her shoulder-length hair. “Yup. He’s just busy. You know. Army…stuff.”

I remembered thinking to myself she was adorable, and I reached out and curled her hair around her ear. “Hey, you ever think about growing your hair out? It’d look good on you.” I’d been right, too. She looked downright sexy with her longer hair.

Where the hell did that come from?

She looked at me like she wanted to ask the same question. “I’m supposed to take guy
and
beauty advice from you? It’s okay. I think I’ll pass.”

The movie started then. Halfway through, I knew something had switched over in my brain. My body was so attuned to hers. I felt every sigh, every tensing of her body as she watched the film. At the end, when she cried, I’d wanted to make it better. But my definition of better with Kels involved my lips on hers, when it never had before.

Shit. That was the exact moment I’d realized I had feelings for her. It didn’t mean I acted on them. I tried to suppress them. I tried to think of anything else it could possibly be. And of course, I’d used girls to try to make it go away, too. Because if I was fucking some other girl, I couldn’t possibly be having feelings for one of my best friends.

How wrong I was.

Chapter Six

-Kelsey-

On the way home from Bear’s, I stopped in at the coffee shop and texted Em:
I need some girl time. You available?

She wrote right back:
Yep.

Ten minutes later, eyes bloodshot and hair in a high, messy bun, she walked into the coffee shop.

“What the hell happened to you?” I asked.

“Don’t ask.”

She walked right past me to the counter and ordered a latte with a double shot of espresso. After I ordered and we sat, she took a long drink.

When she finally put her cup down, she turned to me with a smile. “Better. So, what’s up?”

I inhaled the sweet coffee scent. Mine more sugar than anything else. “I think Bear and I broke up.”

Her eyes widened over the Styrofoam cup. “Oh my God.”

“But I guess that’s not entirely true. You’d have to be going out to break up. Man, this is all sorts of messed up.”

She grabbed my hand on the table. “What the hell happened? That kid worships you.”

I grunted. “Yeah. Right. Just not enough to get jealous.”

“What?” She sat her cup down hard and the liquid splashed the sides. “Why would Bear need to get jealous?”

I shook my head. “I kinda, sorta made out with your boyfriend’s friend David last night.”

She recoiled, surprised. “Holy shit. Why would you do that?”

I quirked an eyebrow at her. “Seriously? I said I needed girl time. Let’s try and be a little less judgmental maybe.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just you guys have been dating for months.”

I folded and unfolded the little red napkin that came with my drink before finally putting it under my cup. “We weren’t exclusive.”

Her eyes widened. “Come again.”

“We weren’t exclusive, Em. We weren’t even having sex.”

Em’s fingers dug into the Styrofoam. “You weren’t tapping that?”

Jesus. I looked around the little café. No one had seemed to hear her louder-than-called-for question. “No. I wasn’t. We never did. Ever.”

Em looked around now, too, but hers was more in a “Can you believe this shit?” kind of way. “Did you guys, like, ever try?”

I tore off the four corners of the napkin, making it an octagon instead of a square. “I tried. He stopped me.”

“Huh.” Her finger tapped her cup.

“Huh? That’s all you’ve got?”

She took another long drink and then sat the cup down. “I don’t get it.”

I held my face in my hands. “Me, neither. It’s not normal, right? Then, I, like the complete nutso I am, made out with someone else and he doesn’t care. And I completely freaked out on him because he didn’t care.”

“I guess I don’t blame you for walking away.” She breathed out and her bangs fanned against her forehead. “That’s just really weird. I wonder why he didn’t want to.”

“I have no idea what boys think.” I had no idea what
anyone
thought anymore. I took a sip of my coffee, letting the steam heat my face. The weirdest thing about it was Chase. Dammit if he wasn’t the only one who actually made me feel better, who I could talk to about Kyle and not feel like my life was flipping upside down all over again.

Em sighed. “I guess I shouldn’t have left you by yourself at the party.”

“It’s okay. Your boyfriend’s pretty cute, by the way.”

She rolled her eyes. “Cute, but same problem. Half the time I have no idea what he’s thinking. Apparently having a penis means your IQ is off the charts in the wrong direction.”

I could get behind that philosophy.

“Oh!” Em screeched, and then smacked the table. “You were with David. Did you see him get punched? He won’t talk about it, but his nose is different colors and his eye is all puffy and red and crap.”

“Oh? Is he okay?” I tried to hide a smirk, but failed.

“He’s fine.” Realization dawned on her face. “Whoa. You were there when it happened?”

“It was Chase. He punched him after I called him to come pick me up and David called me a whore.”

“Waitwaitwaitwaitwait.” Em gripped the edge of the table now. “First you tell me you saw him, nonchalantly, like it’s no big deal. Now you’re telling me Chase Crowley came to rescue you at a frat party? What’s going on?”

“I think we’re friends again. I mean, were friends again until we got in an argument this morning.”

Em moved her cup to the side. “Um, you need to spill.”

“Fine.” I sighed. She was always one for drama. “After the party, I kind of came on to him, too. He shot me down.”

“What?”

“I know. Chase Crowley, the womanizer, shot me down. I’m starting to get a complex.”

Em rolled her eyes. “You just need to find the right guy.”

Easier said than done, apparently. I took another sip from my cup. “So. You and your boyfriend seem pretty close, judging by how he couldn’t wait to get you upstairs at the party.”

She eyed me. “Yeah.”

“Have you, um…” I tore off another piece of the napkin.

“Jesus.” Em grabbed the napkin from my hand. “Are you asking if we have sex? Just ask.”

“Have you guys had sex?”

She placed the torn-off piece down in front of me. “Yes.”

“You love him?”

Em thought for a moment. “We’re…yeah. You could say that. Promise me this. Find a good guy. So Bear and Chase aren’t it, so what? You’ll find him.”

“Thanks for the pep talk.”

Em took another sip of her coffee. “So, truth? Are you into Chase?”

I shrugged. “I don’t think so. I think it was the alcohol talking. Or, you know, moving our hips together.”

That wasn’t all of it, but I wasn’t telling Em. It’d be the news of the century and I’d get a big fat I-told-you-so for being the last girl within the city limits to admit he really was sort of godlike.

He’d made me feel safe, and not just because of our past. When no one else had, he’d made me smile. When no one else had, he’d thought about what was best for me. He made me feel…okay. When we were together, I wasn’t second-guessing my feelings. When we were together, I loved him like I always had.

Too bad he still thought of me as a little kid who needed lectures.

“Then find somebody else, if that’s what you want. I’m seriously rethinking the whole straight thing. Maybe lesbian’s my best route. Chicks are so much smarter than dudes.”

Yeah. So not taking any more relationship advice from Em.

…

After saying a halfhearted good-bye to my parents, which consisted of lame-ass hugs and my dad stuffing money into my hand, I started for school.

School. What a joke. Last semester, I’d stayed in the sanctuary of my dorm room a lot. Skipped classes. A lot. I hadn’t wanted to do anything fun, let alone go to classes and be bored, my mind wandering to the only thing it ever wandered to—Kyle.

The people at school didn’t understand me or what was going on in my life. They weren’t Bear, or Em, or Chase. I didn’t want to go out and party, which was a good thing because apparently my decision-making skills sucked, and if I had to think about another gross frat boy slobbering all over me, I was going to lose it. School was more like a prison sentence, and the closer I got, the more I felt like puking all over the inside of my car.

The parking lot was fairly empty when I turned in. I slammed the car into park and grabbed my bag. After dragging it up two flights of stairs, I stopped. A hulking figure sat right in front of my dorm room door. “Bear?”

His head jerked up and he stood. “Kelsey.” Relief flooded his words. “Thank God you’re all right. I was so worried about you.” He strode forward and hugged me. “Don’t ever leave mad like that again.”

“What are you doing here? You never came to visit me before.”

He grabbed my bag and motioned toward my door. “Show me your room.”

Once we were inside, he squeezed me again. “I’m so sorry. I’m stupid. Really damn stupid. I should have never let you walk away mad.” He took my face in his hands and looked at me.

I held on to his wrists. “What’s this about?” The shock of seeing him here still settled over me. My room didn’t seem so small, or so bare, or so awful with him in it, but it also didn’t seem real.

“Please don’t ever think I don’t care about you. I know I messed this whole thing up, but I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do.”

“I know you care about me. That was me being stupid. But…wait. What do you mean? What was the right thing to do?”

He paled. “What?”

“You just said you messed this whole thing up, meaning us, but you thought it was the right thing to do…”

“Jesus. I don’t know what I’m saying. I drove here half out of my mind, and then when I got here, you weren’t in your room. I’ve been worried.”

I stepped away from him. Something wasn’t right. He seemed off. “You could’ve called.”

He watched me step away. “I could have. I didn’t know if you’d answer, and I wanted you to really see how sorry I am. I guess that’s what I meant by the right thing to do. Coming here was the right thing to do.”

I shook my head. “Bear, I can’t do this anymore. This, whatever this is between us, doesn’t seem right. Even though I’m not mad at you because I have no right to be, I don’t want to be half in and half out anymore. Not with my relationship, not with my life, not with anything.”

He grasped my shoulders. “I know. I get it. You probably think I’m crazy for coming here, but…” He dipped and went to kiss my forehead, but stopped himself. “I needed to make sure everything was right between us. I care about you. A lot. I need to make sure you’re okay.”

I squeezed his hand. “I care about you, too.”

He hugged me before fishing his truck keys from his pocket. “I should go.”

“Already?”

He smiled shyly. “Work.”

A surge of anxiety lapped at me. “We’re still friends though, right? We can talk, and hang out when I’m home?”

“I’m here. Always. Whenever you need me.”

I stood in the middle of the room after he left, feeling the absence of his huge hands, his humongous hugs. For a long time, he’d been the one who’d made the pain less. He’d still be around as a friend. That was the whole point of the conversation I had with Em. Bear and I needed to be friends. Good, I’d accomplished something.

I climbed the ladder and lay on the upper bunk. If I’d done what I’d set out to do, the hollow feeling still inside didn’t make any sense. Chase was a phone call away and I had my cell in my hand. I needed him, but I wasn’t sure if he’d talk to me after our fight earlier. I hated the way I left things with him. And now I was an hour away instead of a few strides. A picture of Kyle in camouflage taped to my wall caught my eye. I tore it off and held it to my chest. A key scraped the lock then, and I shut my eyes, pretending to sleep.

Kristen’s giggle rang through the room. “Oh shit, my roommate’s back.”

Nice.

“So?” came a male voice.

She giggled again and fell into the bed below me.

I was going to be sick. I made a fist, crumpling Kyle’s picture in the process. Fuck this shit. Fuck summer semester. Fuck everything. I threw the covers off and jumped down. A naked male ass peeked out from around my roommate’s sheets.

“Kelsey,” Kristen yelped.

Her guy friend tugged the covers around himself.

“What are you guys doing? I know you knew I was up there.”

Kristen looked to the guy, her face red. “We thought you were sleeping.”

“And that’s okay?”

I peered down at the crumpled picture and then at them.

“We’re sorry,” the guy said. “I’ll get dressed.”

“Don’t bother.”

It was about time I made a decision for me. I grabbed my keys and left.

…

The drive home from school took an hour. At approximately an hour and ten seconds after I parked down the block, I stood in front of Chase’s window. I tapped on the glass and his face appeared. He smiled, then opened the window.

“I’m sorry I was a bitch.”

After he helped me inside, he said, “I thought you were going back to school.”

“I lied.” Okay, now that was actually the lie, but I wasn’t in the mood to get into it with him. I put Kyle’s picture I’d brought from school down on the dresser.

Chase glanced at it and back at me. “Something’s wrong. What is it?”

I closed my eyes and willed the tightening of my throat to go away. “Can I stay with you tonight?”

His lips quirked. “You’ve
been
staying with me.” He paused and shook his head. “Why?”

“I hadn’t slept through the night since Kyle died until two nights ago.”

“The first night you came in through my window?”

I nodded. “I think it’s because you’re…familiar. I need something sane in my life right now.” Not my roommate and a fuck buddy going at it. Not my father taking up residence in the living room. And not boxes partially filled with Kyle’s things. “You’re like my old teddy bear Russ.”

He chuckled. “I remember Russ.”

“You do?”

His forehead creased. “But I don’t get it. Why don’t you stay with Bear?”

“Long story.”

He eyed me, then went to the dresser and picked up the picture of Kyle I’d left there when I first walked in. “When was this taken?”

“A couple months…before.”

Chase’s lips thinned into a straight line. “He hated his hair like that. He said he was jealous of mine when he was home.”

“Yeah, I know. He told me.” I shook my head trying to erase the thoughts. All the phone calls, the emails, everything. Chase coming over, worried. Me, nodding and smiling like everything was fine.

Kyle never told me not to say anything, but at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I’d told Chase and Bear he was miserable, they’d have been able to make it better somehow.

I never quite understood why Kyle hadn’t confided in them. I wanted to tell Chase everything now. How he hated it there. Everything was
fucking army
this, and
fucking military
that.

Oh, shit.
Something clicked inside my head, like two pieces of a fucked-up puzzle coming together. My college experience was mirroring Kyle’s military experience. I balled my hands into fists. “I hate this.”

He bent over and pressed his forehead to mine. “It’s okay to be mad. I’m fucking pissed he went into the army in the first place. I’m fucking pissed I drove that night. I’m fucking pissed I let my best friend die without saying how much I…loved him.”