How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (35 page)

7
   Valuation and survey. The people supplying your mortgage will arrange these through your solicitor, all you do is pay for them. They are vital to check that the property is held together with more than a bit of Pritt stick and that you have found something worth buying. The survey is actually for the lender, not you, and is based more on structural info rather than letting you know if you have got a good deal. You can find that out, as a separate option, for an additional fee. Which, let’s face it, will be funds much better saved for home deco and interior frivolity.

8
   Finally, finally you can exchange contracts. (Well, that is if the mortgage is agreed and your solicitor is happy that all paperwork seems legit.) When you exchange, your solicitor usually sets up a completion date for 2–4 weeks later, which is when it is officially yours and you can move in. Once you exchange there is no backing out, so you have to be sure or else it could cost you in hideous legal fees.

9
   Completion doesn’t have to take a long time, it just depends on how faffy the solicitors are being. It can be days or weeks. But don’t worry about this; there are so many things to be getting on with, so this is the least of your worries.

While you haemorrhage cash you could:

Get quotes from removal companies/van hire, or ask Daddy very nicely.

Contact gas, electricity, water, telephone companies to get connected at the new, and cancelled at your old.

Send out change of address postcards, losing those you no longer wish to be in touch with, and giving people an address to send house-warming gifts to.

Arrange to collect the keys. Go to Tiffany’s to buy a key ring for them.

Book some time off work, and get a massage as this is VERY stressful.

When you
really
complete it’s time to cough up. You have to pay the solicitor (usually between 0.5 and 1.5 per cent of the purchase price), stamp duty, and your first mortgage payment. So maybe skip booking a holiday to recover, at the moment.

10
  Move in, choose the colour schemes, and work out if the room is big enough for your wardrobe.

How to get started in the search

There are several steps to this house-buying/home-owning lark, as well as lots of new people you will have to make friends with.

1
   Decide on the area that you want to live in, and make a list of why.

2
   Decide on the area that you can afford to live in. This may differ from the first.

3
   Decide on your budget. And no, you should not decide on your budget and look accordingly; shop for inspiration, then juggle to fit. Do not start with a compromise.

Drive to the area that you are interested in and see what it is like. Maybe drag a trusted friend along and have dinner there, suss out ‘the locals’. It is best to pick an area that will suit you, and your lifestyle, as well as your budget. Know what you need:

A tube/station.

Library and good local amenities.

Good park or garden.

Nearby doctor/beauty salon/massage/therapist.

Dry-cleaners and cobbler.

Where is the nearest branch of your bank? Favourite bookshop, clothes store? Nearest decent coffee shop? Where is the local police station? Is the area rife with crime? Any other horrors you should be aware of? Try to pick up a local newspaper, or look it up online.

How to get a good deal

True, the more ramshackle the property, the lower the price should be. But here you should employ the same logic as buying vintage: can you fix it and is it worth the hassle? Becoming a property developer is a fulltime job, as only a few hours of daytime television demonstrates. What is the construction like? When was it built? As much as you love it, if there are major structural problems, it is often better to pass, unless you have lots of funds and time, or you and your extended family are professional builders.

Before making any decisions you need to view the property, and see it in the flesh. If you have read the bumpf, it’s in the right place, right price range, or you have a feeling in your stomach, now is the time to view it. This applies if you are looking to rent or to buy. You cannot know if you can live somewhere unless you go and get a feel for the place. Statistics say you will know within three seconds of entering a property if you can live there, so you won’t waste too much time. If you view a property and think it is ‘the one’, don’t tarry. Stake your claim, as this is where you could be happy for the rest of your life.

When you make an appointment try to group several viewings together in one trip, then you can compare and contrast. Appearances can be deceptive, and this is a cut-throat process. When arranging a time try to go when the owner is out; that way you can look critically. First impressions matter, and with homes you do sometimes need mentally to install your good taste before dismissing somewhere out of hand. Redecorate rather than reject.

How to charm and understand estate agents

The first mythical creature that you will encounter in this strange adventure is the estate agent. They are a rare breed who think everything is ‘marvellous’ and only see things through rose-tinted glasses. Generally everything they say should be taken with a pinch of salt. Estate agents are actually aspiring literary geniuses. Perfectly awful places, that would make a sane person reach for the anadin and run for the door, are described as having ‘an exciting and creative decor’. Just as when you ask a sales assistant ‘does my bum look big in these hot pants?’ the answer will be ‘professional’ (i.e. wanting the commission) rather than honest.

But once you find someone who is rooting to find the right property for you, you are onto a winner. At the initial signing-on meeting be firm. Be clear about what you want and where you want to live. If not, you will be wasting their time as much as they will be wasting yours while you both trail around every ‘good value’ squat in Britain. Talk money, location, and the fixtures and features you expect.

If you have been forced into seeing a property that looks like it is decorated in porridge oats and held together with string, either you have not explained your needs clearly, they have a sick sense of humour, or you will strike it lucky next time. If the estate agent is any good at reading people they will sense this wasn’t a clever move and will want to dazzle you with their next idea, or risk losing the sale – and their commission.

Note: they do not get any money until the exchange. Their fees are paid by the vendor.

There is no rule saying you have to be exclusively tied to one agency. See as many properties with as many agencies as you can stomach. Viewing properties not only gives you a clearer idea of what you want, but is a great interiors-inspiration road trip.

A final word of caution
: to avoid getting yourself into any sticky situations, check that the estate agent you are going with is a reputable one. If you are going to view a property make sure someone knows where you are going.

As well as estate agents there are internet search engines such as
www.findaproperty.com
and
www.primelocation.com
that are great ways to search for your home from your desk.

Read between the lines.

Recently refurbished
means the previous furniture was so God-awful they had to hire new sofas to sell the pad.

Ex-local authority
means used to be a council home but was flogged on the cheap when someone died on the sitting-room carpet from an overdose.

Rare opportunity/never seen anything like this
means too weird for words.

In need of modernisation
means Ebenezer Scrooge still hasn’t fixed the broken window, and installing electricity wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Charming
means it’s nice for your granny.

Above commercial
means above the local chippy, but once you get used to the fighting kids and the indelible smell of vinegar on your clothes, you will love it.

Open plan
means all the walls have fallen down, so you have no privacy and need to hope you get on well with your flatmate.

In need of cosmetic attention
means needs a miracle.

How to chat up the bank manager/independent financial adviser

When you start to look at properties it’s best to go and have a cup of tea with your bank manager or financial expert and prepare them for what is about to happen. Check that things are in order with your account, and that all credit cards are under control. You both need to be reassured of your financial buoyancy, or else it will only lead to multiple heart attacks. Is it possible to reduce your mobile phone bill and are you getting paid on time? These things will all start to add up. The property market is one of the most stressful webs in the world to get yourself tangled in. Paint a picture of confidence, career success and financial affluence.

Make sure you look the part. Above all, dress code is the key to your success.

For estate agents you want to look smart, well pressed and presentable, a young executive type, serious buyer, not time waster. Think job interview rather than hot date. Wear a crisp, pressed shirt and perhaps team it with a pencil skirt and low heels. This is one of the few occasions when low heels are to be endorsed. The aim should be to look capable, and responsible; the ideal client. You want to be the estate agents’ favourite, the one they tip off with new sales, and the one the vendors – should your paths cross – think would make the best candidate for their home.

You can also vamp it up with similar tactics for appointments with your bank manager. But do not go head to toe in designer labels, as you want to look like a prudent shopper and a solid investment. High heels are obviously essential for those meetings where you need to get your own way.

The key thing to impress on your bank manager is that you are more than a number and that you are sensible, in it for the long term, and want to make an
investment
rather than
spend
. You see this as a saving investment and a way of making money or raising capital. When giving out loans, bank managers need reassurance that you will pay it back.

If your bank manager is quoting you a figure for a loan that you think is far too low to house your needs, consider putting plans on hold till funds improve, or you get swept off your feet by that movie star, or land the dream job with all expenses and relocation paid. While you are going through this home-buying, money-screening process, examine your finances with a fine-tooth comb. You have to sift through the chaff to find a diamond pad; hold down a job that is able to fund this venture; keep your friends pacified and still attempt to have ‘a life’, as well as filling in forms in your sleep.

How to love the legal person

Everyone needs to have legal representation. Now before you get carried away with the thought of ferocious courtroom battles, and the exchange of razor-sharp one-liners, as the battle rages over who gets the light bulb above the kitchen sink, press Pause. There ain’t none of that going on with a property solicitor. The solicitor is very sedate. If lawyers were designer labels, property solicitors would be M&S. These are the people who will hold you together, should you encounter any cowboys, and they will fight your corner, so you always come across as the good guy/gal.

How to get a mortgage

Depending on your relationship with your bank manager, it can be a good idea to ask who/what mortgage they recommend. Most offer a mortgage service or have access to independent advisers who can do the homework and give you a summarised impartial opinion. Shop around if you have the time or inclination, but it’s a bit like ignoring a wedding list and shopping under your own steam in search of the ever-illusive inspiration – the only person whose life you are making difficult is your own. This is where having a friendly personal banker helps. For example, if your bank manager knows you, and knows the three pairs of non-sale shoes from Manolo were a serious post-break-up blip, he will be able to assure the lenders of your upstanding character, maybe even pull a few strings to speed the whole process up. Getting a mortgage takes a deceptive amount of time and form filling so start the process as soon as you are able.

What is stamp duty?

This has nothing to do with Penny Blacks, the Royal Mail or letter writing, although letter writing is still a much appreciated and charming skill to possess. It is a tax in Britain that is currently charged on the purchase of all properties costing more than £120,000.

£120,000–£250,000 you pay 1 per cent of property value as stamp duty.

£250,001–£500,000 you pay 3 per cent.

£500,001 and over you pay 4 per cent.

How to get the offer in, and stand out from the crowd

So you have put in your offer, but don’t think it’s over. It’s only just begun. Has the vendor accepted? Is the estate agent for you, or are they still showing people round the pad? Argh! You could always stand outside with a sandwich board and pretend to be petitioning against the ladies of the night who work the street, to put the competition off your home. All’s fair in love and property. If you go and view the property and there is a line around the block of other people who think that their offer has been accepted it really is time to crank up the pressure.

Call the estate agent and ask them what they are playing at. Who put in the offer first? Then check that yours was the offer that was accepted. If not, how can you make sure it is? Check that you have your mortgage and deposit, that the whole chain is all concentrating, in place and sewn up.

Call the bank manager and hurry along the loan and get him ready to transfer your entire life savings.

Call Mr Mortgage and say you are ready to commit. Process that application. Get all the forms and insurance and so forth filled in now while you are in that frame of mind. There is nothing quite like a sense of urgency to help focus.