How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (19 page)

Depending on your circumstances you could always, in extreme cases, consider:

Moving countries; Paris nearly worked for Audrey Hepburn in
Sabrina
.

Changing phone number.

Deleting the details or locking all contact info of the offending party in secure, hidden case.

Changing job.

Changing hairstyle.

Rearranging the flat. If you shared, change the locks.

Removing every trace of them from view so you are not living with constant reminders.

Booking a holiday.

Starting a new hobby.

Joining a gym, or starting to go to the gym you are member of.

Doing things you NEVER did with them.

Going to new areas or places of interest.

Rationing yourself to thinking of them for only twenty minutes a day, and gradually decreasing.

Banning yourself from talking about them to friends.

Not dwelling on the past.

And if all else fails: therapy – retail therapy.

How to make the first move

Ideally you will get swept off your feet, but, if you fear that you may be reaching your pension date sooner than dating the object of your affection, pluck up the courage to get things going.

Finding Prince Charming involves some strategic planning, but also some logic. If you despise ten-pin bowling why go to a singles night there? You could end up with a world champion, and you would have to spend a lifetime looking at gross shoes.

There is no set law on who needs to make the first move. It does not make you seem desperate or indicate the biological clock is chiming; it shows initiative and that you are a free-thinking modern woman, albeit a single one. (And if that scares them off then really what were you thinking of dating them for?)

If you have wasted a month’s worth of great lip-gloss, broken in some extrovert heels, and created some inventive fashion looks and still there is no date, while you have casually, for the fourth time that week, been propped at the end of their favourite bar, it’s time to take control.

You can email or text if shy – although this would involve some initial connection. Contrive a dinner party, or something where your life depends on an escort – them.

If there’s been no contact, except the eye variety, it is time to extend this to a smile and walk over to introduce yourself. You have to introduce yourself to all sorts of horrid dull people at work, shopping, travelling, so why should it be any harder when someone has a magnetic aura around them and their smile makes you weak at the knees?

How to love the right type

Well, this is impossible, and the more you try to love the right type – they will inevitably become the opposite. The more fabulous you are the harder it is to find someone who can compete. Not to worry: you can meet them halfway. Once you have paired off you need to run a few essential preliminary tests before eloping or introducing him to the parents and booking the church.

1
   Does he make you laugh?

2
   Does he listen and respect you?

3
   Who does he like more: you or your address book?

4
   Does he have ambition or a job?

If he passes all of these to your satisfaction you move to phase two:

1
   Does he love fashion? Does he want to work in it?

2
   Does he take longer than you to get ready?

3
   Does he express too much of his feminine side?

4
   Does he dye/bleach/perm his hair?

5
   Does he have a more extensive beauty regime than you?

If you think there would be a YES to more than three of the above, chances are he could be gay. You might want to check this with him sooner rather than later. There is nothing more fabulous as an accessory or girl’s best friend than a stylish gay man, but he is not going to be marriage material. Sadly. Yes, they are more faithful, more amusing, generally far more creative, but you will share the same taste in boys, and will not be able to have the fairy-tale ending . . .

So before you open the joint account check:

a) Are they truly single? Wife? Girlfriend? Skeletons?

b) Do they have children? Pets or a peg leg?

c) Do they have a criminal record or season tickets, and to which team?

How not to become character rivalling Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction

Even the sanest people sometimes become as loopy as a bunny boiler – a term of endearment first coined to describe Glenn Close’s character in
Fatal Attraction
– such are the complexities of affairs of the heart. Try never to have it attached to you. Never become over-clingy or a wet rag, otherwise, quite understandably, they will forget what they ever saw in you. Although this gets far less publicity, men can also be bunny boilers, and in fact are twice as scary.

First assess who is playing the role of lunatic, and who is the perplexed and besieged. A second opinion may be necessary but always try to assess objectively whether they have caused you to lose your marbles, or are being emotionally cruel, or indeed are you scaring the socks off them turning up at work with possible wedding locations? When is enough enough?

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. If you have left over ten voicemails, sent a casual five emails and twenty text messages and got no reply, perhaps you should TAKE A HINT. Chances are if they had been in a dreadful accident you would have heard about it.

If they ask you to stop calling, do. Do not beg. If you ask them to stop calling do not return their teary messages. In both cases, if the undesired persists, think how feasible it is to change your number or get pest control, and tell them firmly to STOP.

If you have not spoken to your sweetheart for over three months or had any form of communication, and there is no valid reason, it may be best to put the wedding plans on hold. Move on and let them realise the folly of their ways.

Some guys are bad news; like shoes you need a sexy yet comfy pair that enhances you, not cripples you. If these shoes have erratic mood swings or ever hurt you, dump in trash immediately.

If it does go pear shaped make sure there are none of your possessions left behind that they could turn into a voodoo doll of you, or use to build a shrine.

If you are the deranged one, think. Isn’t less more? If they suddenly have to work late, avoid your calls and so forth, wake up and smell the coffee – Glenn Close got shot at the end of that film . . .

How to Wear an Apron with Style

‘Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti’
Sophia Loren

How to outdo Delia

As with everything food is subject to fashion tastes and trends. The prawn cocktail, the height of chic in 1970s suburbia, was reviled a decade later. Nouvelle cuisine went the same way as the 1980s came to an end. The 1990s and ‘noughties’ have seen an unprecedented rise in fashionable cooking, with pin-up chefs like Nigella and Jamie encouraging you to throw things around in the kitchen. On the other hand, the rise in sushi and other such delicacies, microwave meals and Marks and Spencer’s make it very easy to avoid ever needing to step into the kitchen for anything longer than the time it takes to boil a kettle.

Before you convert the kitchen into a spare guest room remember that home cooking can be a great way to lure people over to your abode. You can also showcase your Fendi baguette, vintage Schiaparelli lobster-print dress or even a Chloé banana bag as a nod to culinary couture. Cute.

The best way to make entertaining as stress-free as possible is to have a couple of simple signature dishes up your cashmere sleeve, and remember that presentation is EVERYTHING.

If all the stirring and chopping really leaves you cold make decorating the table the way you’ll demonstrate your creative flair. (To prevent a headache see How to decorate a table).

How to master home cooking: the shortcuts

While you might not have any desire to take on Delia’s mantle, sometimes it is necessary to have a level of domestic whiz, or be able to create the illusion of competence and culinary charm.

First step, dash around your nearest M&S and grab all the ready-made meals you can carry. Could always have some in the freezer as emergency back-up.

Cook in microwave as instructed and lay these out on your best plates.

Bin all evidence, in black bin bags. Take bin bags out – if a stray wrapper surfaces while guests are around look disgusted, and obviously deny all knowledge and recognition.

For a real home-made feel warm the bread in the oven and always have fresh coffee percolating for essence of domestic goddess.

How to fake it: fail-safe, idiot-proof dishes

As with the perfect Little Black Dress, always have a few key dishes on standby that you can rustle up in extreme emergencies, such as unexpected visitors appearing. Failing this, always keep trusty takeaway menus and delivery service numbers at hand. And don’t forget there is nearly always a new restaurant worth trying nearby. Eating out is not a cop-out, in fact it is very cosmopolitan and social.

But as long as you have a toaster and microwave in your home you will never go hungry. Ahhh, toast: a meal in itself, an accompaniment or foundation for numerous dishes. Perfect with Marmite, soup, baked beans, cheese, jam. Also invaluable when diced: as croutons for a Caesar salad; or sliced: as soldiers for dipping in a boiled egg. And don’t give me that excuse of ‘I can only eat wheat-free.’ Most supermarkets cater for the allergy neurotic so you can still have toast.

If in doubt, ask Delia, the fairy-godmother of culinary crises. Her books are great props to add to the kitchen, even if they are purely for decoration.

The full English

You should always be prepared, and able, to cook a full English breakfast. It is as essential as being able to sing the national anthem and make good tea.

For the full English you need to master: toast, fried and scrambled eggs. Both are easy, so add to your résumé.

Heat oil in a frying pan, pour raw egg into pan, heat and ‘spoon’ hot oil over yolk and white till it appears suitably solidified. Remember not to overcook – egg yolk should remain runny and dip-able.

To get a softer fluffier egg, you need to crack three eggs into a bowl, add a splash of milk and seasoning, then beat with a fork until mixture is an evenly blended pale yellow. Melt knob of butter in pan, then pour in egg mixture. Stir slowly and continually in a figure of eight pattern. You can let the egg begin to set before you start to stir but the trick of scrambling eggs is to do it on a low heat and slowly. Continue this method until the eggs are the consistency you like. Soft scrambled eggs are the creamiest and most comforting, and trickiest to perfect.

Generously pierce and put under grill, and flip when they look done.

These can be microwaved or simmered in pan; add a knob of butter.

Grill or, if adventurous, and for high cholesterols, fry (for real indulgence fry bread as well).

Doing the continental

Continental breakfasts are even EASIER and far preferable if offering breakfast in bed.

Open a carton of orange or apple juice, as preferred. Get either baker-fresh or packets of croissants and pains au chocolat. Toss some fresh fruit into a bowl for a token health thing, and fill the gaps on the table or tray with newspapers and a cereal option.

Have kettle ready to serve coffee or tea and you will have people queuing up to stay over.

Some simple starters

Starters are essentially stallers. They can be easily skipped if you so wish, or used as a time delay for the main. Don’t let your guests fill up on these. This is just the introduction.

For chic starters why not serve:

Pretty self-explanatory.

Choose a pre-packed bag of leaves (though there is only 15 per cent of the goodness in pre-packed stuff so, if you can be bothered, buy a lettuce you have to wash and chop yourself), chop fresh tomato to toss in. Garnish with chopped, cooked bacon or chicken and salad dressing.

Basically this is slices of tomato and slices of mozzarella. Serve with dressing and a sprinkle of lettuce leaves, if desired. No cooking or complicated timing issues and the colours work wonderfully.

Take small whole Camembert and place in rustic ovenproof dish and heat until melting, and creamy inside. This will only need to be heated for about five minutes. Serve with fresh French bread and salad – fantastic.

Manageable mains and what they say about you

Mashed potato and minced meat. Comfort/winter/good listener food. This takes time, so not very good if you’re v. hungry. Perfect, however, to prepare while listening, cook while comforting, and eat while watching a video.

Rice plus anything in cupboard. Shows you can rustle up anything; good for entertaining and impressing new friends. This, however, requires a lot of stirring so not good if you’re planning on multi-tasking, or are prone to tennis elbow. Great if you have a guest that you need to keep still and can put to good use while you pour the wine, get ready and do the whole hostess thing.

Sausages and mashed potato. Ideal for nights in front of the telly/slobbing out – the perfect ‘not-trying-too-hard’ dish. Adding a splash of milk or knob of butter while mashing generally improves things enormously, but for a really delicious mash tip try crème fraîche and a little bit of oil, à la Nigel Slater, which is less fattening than lots of butter. Lumpy mashed potato is so not chic; make sure you mash it thoroughly.