How to Lose Your Virginity ...And How Not To (13 page)

***

I thought it would be funny to keep my shoes on. So I was completely naked, except for a pair of black socks and a pair of red Chuck Taylors. My gf didn’t think it was funny when I told her I kept them on on purpose.
Jarvis, 24
Annapolis, MD

***

A NEW SENSATION
Kyle, 36
I reunited with this girl I had a crush on in middle school at a high school dance and we hit it off. We made a date. The interesting thing about it was that I only had my learner's permit and I was three months away from turning 16 and getting my real driver's license. She didn't know this and totally assumed that I could pick her up for our date. This was a problem because technically I couldn't drive by myself. Yet there's this woman that I'm interested in, or girl rather, who wants to go on a date. So... I stole my older brother's car.
He was back from college but he was off doing some stuff with his friends. My brother's 1986 Honda Accord was available and sitting in the driveway. Sweet, sweet ride – the sporty hatchback model and the keys were in his room. I lifted those and went on my first real date.
I took her to a movie and basically we were making out the whole time, which was a strange thing for me because this was not like my normal understanding of going to the movies. I actually wanted to watch Beverly Hills Cop. I was trying to pay attention, but the whole experience began with that whole tension between wanting to and not being all that comfortable making out in a public place.
And in my mind I was thinking, "OK, this is what the evening is going to be." Making out in the movie theater. That's the evening, that's the peak. And I was like, "That's beautiful. That's fantastic. I'm a happy man." We got back into the car and she was like, "Why don't we go somewhere?" Now I'm thinking that the clock's ticking. I got to get this car back and at the same time my parents don't know that I'm out and about and that's also going to be a problem. On top of all of that, where are we gonna go? This was in San Antonio and in San Antonio at that time there really wasn't any place for kids to go hang out. You could go to a McDonald's or something like that but there were no real cool places to go. She says, "There's a park nearby. We could go hang out there." "OK, good idea." I'm still not even thinking that something more was going to happen.
We drive to the park and she's all, "Oh, over here is a place where we can be alone for awhile." "OK, great. Sure." But the safety factor is getting to be more and more dire. The window is closing, now it's probably about 11:30 at night.
We're now both sitting in the front seat of the car, just talking and I could tell there's some sort of tension going on but I'm trying to make amusing conversation, which is apparently not very amusing. I'm trying to talk about the movie that we didn't even get to watch and eventually I just realized that maybe we could make out again and, gee… wouldn’t that'd be great? So I moved in and we started making out and things got a little bit more heated. We’re pawing at clothes, feeling each other up, and the kissing got rough.
Then she starts pulling me over the gear shift, it was an automatic, so I maneuver over and now we're both in the passenger seat. Things are getting more frisky and she takes her top off. I'm thinking, "What? This is fantastic." I'm loving it. Things keep going more and more in that direction and eventually I'm like, "Hey... I might have a shot at this. I might actually be able to do this." I didn’t know exactly what to do, but I was very enthusiastic about it.
I had some trouble with her belt buckle, finally got that off. And what added to the tension too was that there was a very palpable perception on her part, albeit an inaccurate one, that I knew what I was doing and that it was maybe the entire reason for us being out that night. I was a reasonably obnoxious young man and I had a lot of confidence just not necessarily in that arena. So maybe that and some of her past experiences led her to the conclusion that I had been around. I technically and anatomically knew what was supposed to happen, but I'd never been in that position before and certainly not in the front bucket seat of a very cramped Honda Accord. And a stolen Honda Accord at that. Well it gets worse.
One thing did lead to another. We figured out how "tab A" fit with "slot B" without much difficulty. The problem occurred when things started moving, things were going along and I'm feeling a relatively new sensation and trying to move and suddenly I'm completely overcome with worry. Worry that I'm not going to be able to perform this action properly, worried that while she was making very nice noises they seemed to me a little fake, a little disingenuous. A little like she was encouraging me by making those noises rather than her genuinely feeling those noises. And I have no idea, where to put my hands, no idea if I should be kissing her, you know, what should I be doing? And at that exact moment when I'm getting excited, and I can feel it, I get the guilt that comes from thinking, "I'm getting close and this could be a really great thing but I don't know if she’s close." At that moment I kicked the air conditioning hose loose from underneath the dashboard on the passenger's side. So now I don't know what I'm doing, I'm struggling with the mere concept that I'm doing this in a stolen car that I've now apparently destroyed, and there's ice cold water pouring over my feet.
I didn't immediately know what I broke which added to the confusion of the whole ordeal, but I knew that I had damaged the car and everything in my brain was telling me, "This is not right. This must end. This has to stop," so I did. Technically I view it as losing my virginity because there was intercourse even though I didn't actually come to climax. And I'm pretty damn certain that she didn't either. It was a very sloppy, inarticulate, not well done, "OK, I'll take you home now" kind of experience.
I dropped her off knowing that this was definitely not what she anticipated and knowing full well that I was probably never going to see her again. Our one abortive little attempt at it was an indication to her that it would all be bad, all wrong, all stupid. There was no kiss good night, there was a, "OK. Well I'll see you later, I guess..."
I drove home and immediately parked the car and tried to figure out what the hell was going on with it, had no idea. Replaced the keys, got into bed as quickly as I possibly could, and pulled the covers up to my chin.
I woke up the next morning to hear my dad and brother talking about it and my dad saying, "Well, you know... Hondas do that. There's a loose fitting on Hondas and so it must have hit a pothole or something and broke loose." My dad just figured that the hose had, "Come loose... somehow". To this day I'm certain that my brother has no idea that I was the ‘cause. But I'm pretty sure that my mother knows something.
The mysterious hose problem was all that they talked about that night over dinner conversation too. My father saying, "Well I heard Hondas have problems with those things." And my brother saying, "We put it back on easily enough so it must have just come loose on its own." My mom wasn't saying a thing, but looking right at me. She was just staring. So I'm pretty sure she suspected I was somehow to blame.
I never did see that girl again. And it wasn't for not looking. I did keep an eye out for her at football games whenever our two high schools were playing or relative times when people that I knew from my middle school were around. I would ask, "Hey, what's happening with Miranda?" Nobody ever knew... she disappeared on me.

***

This girl lived down the street from me and she seduced me. Two years later my mom and her dad start dating and then they get married. So I see this girl at the wedding and it’s like, "What’s up? I guess you’re my stepsister now." I never really see her anymore.
Garvin, 22
Salt Lake City, Utah

***

I WAS ROBBED!
Shandra, 22
I'm from Metairie, just about 7 minutes from New Orleans. I met the guy over a phone conversation, I was 13 years old. My friend had met him and the three of us were kind of like talking on the same call... three-way call. I think she saw him and they weren't attracted to each other but he still got her number probably to meet some of her other 13-year-old friends. The three of us were talking and she decided that she didn't like him so she hung up and he and I talked about him coming over.
He came over that afternoon and we were kissing. This is like my first thing of everything, like I'd never made out with a boy, no one ever felt my breasts or my cootchie before. We just did a whole fucking grand slam.
He was 17, I was 13. For a condom we used a Ziploc bag. Oh my god, it hurt! We had sex and after he left I found out he stole like 50 bucks from me. I was making part-time money working at a city playground concession stand for three dollars an hour selling popcorn, candy and drinks, and ICEEs and stuff. After he left I looked in my little smiley face, little zip-up purse and saw it was gone. And he took a picture of me too. I took that as a compliment because then he had something to remember me by, but not the money part. It felt like I paid to lose my virginity. Supposedly he was in a gang, The Bloods, you know like gangster or whatever.
My dad came home about an hour after he left so it was kind of weird. Thank God he didn't come home while we were having sex on the couch... ‘cause we had sex at least like 20 times... ‘cause I was so tight. I was a tight, little virgin. But I didn't bleed. My cherry has never been popped apparently ‘cause I never bled.
NOT A LESBIAN
Leslie, 24
This happened with a 21-year-old letch of a guy who lived on this one street in Des Moines that my friends and I called "CrackDonald's" because people would drive through there and buy crack. Yeah, this guy was really going places. I was 16 and I was a lifeguard. I was really fit and really tan, but tan in a way that it looked like I was wearing a pale, white one-piece swimsuit. This guy totally seduced me. We were smoking pot and watching cartoons and it turned into, you know, "Roman hands and Russian fingers" then five minutes later I wasn't wearing any clothes. I did have my swimsuit that day because I just got done from work so he got to get a good eyeful of that first. Plus I smelled of chlorine and sunscreen – sexy. And he smelled of pot and b.o. – real sexy.
So it was on the floor where his roommate... God this is so disgusting, where one of his roommates always slept. Like ten people lived there, it was sort of a hippie house. The whole time I was losing my virginity, a roommate was pounding on the windows with his shoe trying to break in because he had lost his keys and I guess he had something important to do. It wasn't very romantic. When we got done I said, "My curfew is midnight, gotta go."
So the whole thing lasted maybe 20 minutes. Thinking about it makes me shudder. He didn't even take off his shirt and his junkie roommate was pounding on the window the whole time.
I met the letch through another job. I was a bus girl at a place called the Drake Diner. He was a waiter and we met rolling silverware and I was totally in love with him. He did well at that diner, he later on got a blow job from our 28-year-old manager in the restaurant office.
Then, check this out, he dumped me by telling me that he cheated on me. But here's the kicker, not only did he cheat on me... he cheated on me with four people at the exact same time. I'm like, "You know if you're going to have a wild sexy orgy you can at least invite me." He was just a big ol' ding-dong.
Now he's fat and has a child and lives in Iowa City where he's still a letch. My best friend from back home called me up not long ago and said the letch tried to pick her up in a bar.
But in spite of all of that, I had fun. I was happy to take sex off my to-do list. And I was happy to find out that sex was fun and that I wasn't a lesbian.

***

This girl said to me, "I want you to go down on me first." I was like, "OK, I’ll go for it," and pardon my French but her pussy stunk so bad – so, so bad. It was dark so what I did was I tried to make like a mouth with my hand and use that on her while I made slurping noises with my mouth.
Clyde, 33
Tulsa, OK

***

Chapter 9
"WE DROP KICKED OUR CHERRIES."