How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (54 page)
“Hear, O L
ORD
, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you…Set a guard over my mouth, O L
ORD
; keep watch over the door of my lips”
(Psalm 86:1-2; Psalm 141:3).
“Teach Me” Scripture Prayer
“Have mercy on me, O L
ORD
, for I call to you all day long…Teach me your way
,
O L
ORD
, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may [honor] your name”
(Psalm 86:3,11).
“Deliver Me” Scripture Prayer
“I love the L
ORD
, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live…For you, O L
ORD
, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the L
ORD
in the land of the living”
(Psalm 116:1-2,8-9).
Prayer is talking with God. It is inviting Him to intervene in our situation. Prayer is bringing all He is into our situation.
Because strugglers experience so many failed attempts at dealing with their addictions, friends and family sometimes find it hard to stay closely connected. They experience frustration and despair as the struggler, inconceivably to them, falls yet another time. It may take decades of prayer and a thousand false starts, but we are to continue to pray for our strugglers—no matter what they do or don’t do. The Bible says, “As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the L
ORD
by failing to pray for you” (1 Samuel 12:23).
My friend Karen shared these poignant words with me:
Loving our strugglers can be agony for us because we want so badly to “fix” them—
which we cannot do
. But in the process,
we learn we can trust Him
—which seems to take way too long. Yet in that “way-too-long” time, we come to meet God, and know Him more deeply, through prayer.
In reality, the most valuable part of our prayers is not merely an effort to get what we want but rather an effort
to get what He wants
. Through prayer, God allows us to know Him better—the true image of Him, not the punishing image I’d carried for so many years.
Realize that the Lord begins His work inside the struggler—
to hate the sin
and
to desire change
—long before it is evident on the outside. We are helpless to bring someone into clean and sober living.
“Set the Captive Free” Scripture Prayer
While the needs of strugglers are different, there are ways we can lift them up to the Lord that will speak specifically to what they are experiencing during different times of the day. Karen prayed for her brother all through his recovery, and continues to pray for him.
Thank You, Father, for (
name
). Thank You for allowing him another day. God, surround him and allow him to feel Your love—touch him today in a real way and let him feel Your presence, Your hope, Your promise. Open his eyes and heart to You, Lord. You’ve promised to give freedom to the captive and bind up the brokenhearted. Oh Father, free him from his darkness. Release him from his prison of addiction. I claim these promises for (
name
) today. God, he needs all of this and more.
“[Jesus] has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners”
(I
SAIAH
61:1).
“On the Wrong Road” Scripture Prayer
Frank prays often for the people God brings into his life. Some are not yet prepared to address their addiction and walk toward freedom, while others have bravely determined to step out on the new path toward the life God has prepared for them. The following two prayers reveal how, as a recovery pastor and friend, Frank lifted up a struggler named “Jake” during his journey down two different paths.
Heavenly Father, thank You for putting (
name
) in my life and for Your plans for him. I lift him up to You. May he allow You to move in his heart and to prepare him for total change. Lord, please protect him from himself as he continues down this road.
May he develop a desire for something better for his life. Take away the pleasure that comes from this addiction and replace it with an emptiness that only You can fill. Bring him to the point where he realizes there is no joy in his dependency.
Lord, use whatever means necessary to bring him to his knees, to have a willing heart to answer to Your call, to have a change of mind that leads him to seek Your help.
And, Lord, help me to be willing and able to respond when he is ready. Thank You for Your many mercies toward me.
Show (
name
) the right path, O Lord; point out the road for him to follow. Lead him by Your truth and teach him for You are the God who saves (from Psalm 25:4-5).
“On the Right Road” Scripture Prayer
As Jake became willing to take that step and ask for help, Frank was on hand to surround him with practical support, a sense of community, and sincere prayer. Even though Jake was no longer on the wrong path, he still needed prayer as much as ever. All strugglers need to know someone is faithfully lifting them up in prayer and asking that they will find strength to stay on the right path.
Heavenly Father, thank You for the mercy You’ve given me and the mercy You have shown ( name ) in allowing him the strength and courage to fight this battle with addiction. Lord, I pray he would know that in every temptation, You provide a way of escape. And I pray he would realize that no temptation is greater than he can handle if he continues to look to You for strength.
Father, make Your presence felt in his heart, and each day touch him and draw him closer to You. Help him to see You as his strong and loving Father who waits for him with open arms, wanting nothing more than a restored fellowship with him.
Thank You for putting him on this path toward hope and healing. In Your merciful name I pray.
How natural, then, for Frank to share with Jake 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”
As Frank ministers to all of the “Jakes” in his life, he sees how his mess has become his ministry. God has made his personal test become his testimony. And it’s absolutely been proven true countless times that
what the enemy meant for evil, God has used for good
.
THE VITAL WORLD OF CRISIS INTERVENTION:O
ne of the most powerful acts on behalf of someone struggling with addiction is a
crisis intervention
1
—a carefully orchestrated meeting that brings together family, friends, coworkers, and other caring individuals in an effort to persuade the struggler to voluntarily engage in treatment. During the meeting, group members recount specific ways in which the struggler’s addictive behavior has become a major detriment.
This “tough love” method of intervention is effective 80 percent of the time in motivating strugglers to receive the critical help they so desperately need. And the most powerful aspect of a crisis intervention is the group dynamic—it’s true that there is power in numbers! Typically, when just one family member seeks to stop an addict’s behavior, the appeal will fall on deaf ears. And as others state their concern privately one by one, each plea is dismissed.
While as individuals they are powerless to persuade the struggler to get help, as a group, they are powerful. In fact, a group can be empowered by God to move the immovable. God’s Word lays out the blueprint for such an intervention:
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his
fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you
have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take
one or two others along, so that every matter may be
established by the testimony of two or three witnesses”
(M
ATTHEW
18:15-16).
• Pray for wisdom
and understanding from the Lord.
“The L
ORD
gives wisdom, and from his mouth
come knowledge and understanding”
(P
ROVERBS
2:6).
•
Educate yourself regarding crisis intervention programs.
Read materials on intervention and visit treatment facilities.
“The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge;
the ears of the wise seek it out”
(P
ROVERBS
18:15).
•
Call a counseling office
and request a referral to a Christian leader who is trained in intervention procedures.
“Plans fail for lack of counsel
,
but with many advisers they succeed”
(P
ROVERBS
15:22).
•
Meet with a trained leader
(usually referred to as an
interventionist
) to plan the intervention. Learn how an intervention works and discuss treatment program options, preadmission plans, procedures, insurance, and the impact of treatment on the struggler’s employment.
“Listen to advice and accept instruction
,
and in the end you will be wise”
(P
ROVERBS
19:20).
•
Enlist the participation of key people
affected by the struggler’s harmful behavior who are willing to confront him or her (caring family members, friends, coworkers, doctor, employer, spiritual leader).
“A truthful witness saves lives”
(P
ROVERBS
14:25).
•
Hold a first meeting
(
in absolute confidentiality
and
without the struggler present
) to give everyone a chance to get to know each other, to share the impact the struggler’s behavior has had on each person’s life, and to receive complete details on how the intervention will happen.
“A truthful witness gives honest testimony”
(P
ROVERBS
12:17).
•
Hold a second meeting
(
in absolute confidentiality
and
without the struggler present)
during which key people rehearse (with the interventionist)
what
they will say,
how
they will say it, and
the order
in which they will confront. They will also all determine and agree upon the consequences if the struggler declines their help.
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love
.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted”
(P
ROVERBS
27:5-6).
•
Hold a third meeting
(
with the struggler present
) and have each person communicate his or her genuine care for the struggler and share the rehearsed confrontations. (Examples are found in “The Six Ps of an Appeal” in the next section.)
“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life
,
but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit”
(P
ROVERBS
15:4).
•
After everyone has shared
, the interventionist conveys the courage it took for everyone involved to be there and their willingness to support the struggler throughout the treatment period. The interventionist clearly details the negative consequences of the addiction if treatment is refused. The struggler is then given reasons why immediate, urgent care is necessary and is told that a room has been reserved at a treatment facility.
“Who is wise? He will realize these things. Who is discerning?
He will understand them. The ways of the L
ORD
are right; the
righteous walk in them, but the rebellious stumble in them”
(H
OSEA
14:9).
•
This third meeting should conclude
with the struggler either immediately entering a treatment program or experiencing the repercussions for refusing treatment previously agreed on by the group.
“He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more
favor than he who has a flattering tongue”
(P
ROVERBS
28:23).
Those who participate in crisis interventions experience deep anguish at the suffering of different loved ones and can readily relate to these words:
“I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit”
(J
OB
7:11).
2
1.
The Personal
Affirm rather than attack.
– “I want you to know how much I care about you—that’s why I’m here.”
– “I sincerely love you, and I’m terribly concerned about you.”
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths
,
but only what is helpful for building others up according
to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen”
(E
PHESIANS
4:29).
2.
The Past
Give a recent, specific example describing the struggler’s negative behavior and the personal impact it has had on you. Be brief, keeping examples to three or four sentences.
– “Dad, last night I felt so embarrassed when you were obviously (
insert behavior
) and slurring your speech in front of my friends.”
– “Mom, you ‘forgot’ my last three school programs. I don’t feel like you really love me.”
“A man of knowledge uses words with restraint
,
and a man of understanding is even-tempered”
(P
ROVERBS
17:27).
3.
The Pain
Emphasize the painful impact the struggler’s behavior has had on you. Use “I” statements.
– “I’ve felt so humiliated at being yelled at in front of our friends. I can’t begin to describe the pain!”
– “As your best friend, I feel cut out of your life. That hurts me so much!”
“A wise man’s heart guides his mouth
,
and his lips promote instruction”
(P
ROVERBS
16:23).
4.
The Plea
Make a personal plea for your struggler to receive treatment.
– “I plead with you to get the help you need to overcome your addiction.”
– “If you’re willing, you’ll have my help and my deepest respect.”
“The tongue has the power of life and death”
(P
ROVERBS
18:21).
5.
The Plan
Be prepared to implement an immediate plan if treatment is agreed on.
– “Your bags have been packed.”
–
“
You have been accepted into the treatment program at_____.”
“Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those
staggering toward slaughter. If you say, ‘But we knew nothing
about this,’ does not he who weighs the heart perceive
it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not
repay each person according to what he has done?”
(P
ROVERBS
24:11-12).
6.
The Price
If the plan for treatment is refused, detail the repercussions.
– “We cannot allow you to come home or to be with our family until after you’ve been through the treatment program.”
– “You must be addiction-free for (
name a specific period of time
).”
“Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the
path; he who hates correction will die”
(P
ROVERBS
15:10).
3
We can be on the side of
right
, yet our actions can still be
wrong
. However, many times we can influence a person to want to change not by what we say but by how we say it. The Bible says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (Galatians 6:1).
•
Don’t
get involved in name-calling
, preaching, or being judgmental. Instead, focus on the struggler’s behavior.
– “Last night, I felt belittled when you called me those vile names.”
“A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue”
(P
ROVERBS
11:12).
•
Don’t
come to the defense
of the struggler when others are confronting him or her. Instead, affirm the feelings of the confronter.
– “It’s understandable that his (the struggler’s) actions were extremely hurtful to you.”
“There is a…time to be silent and a time to speak”
(E
CCLESIASTES
3:1,7).
•
Don’t
argue
if your facts are disputed.
– “I’m hearing you say your words weren’t cutting. We’ll just agree to disagree.”
“The Lord’s servant must not quarrel”
(2 T
IMOTHY
2:24).
•
Don’t
overreact.
Instead, keep your emotions under control.
– If you are verbally attacked, calmly state your position. If opposed again, calmly repeat the same words again…and again. “This is in your best interest.”
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires”
(J
AMES
1:19-20).
•
Don’t
give ultimatums
unless you are prepared to follow through with them. Hold your ground.
– If your struggler hasn’t followed through and finished what was promised and then says, “Let me come back home. I’ve learned my lesson! I promise not to do it again,” you should say, “No, you cannot come back until you have completed the program.”
“Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no”
