How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (49 page)

– Talk to a counselor trained to help victims of childhood sexual abuse.

– Talk to the perpetrator, but only when you and your counselor have worked through a plan for doing so and only when it is safe to do so (it might be best to bring someone with you)—confrontation is biblical.

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just
between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your
brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along”

(M
ATTHEW
18:15-16).

•
Discern
the inner needs you have tried to satisfy through sexual passion.

– Is it your need for sacrificial love?
³¹

– Is it your need for significance?

– Is it your need for security?

“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place”

(P
SALM
51:6).

•
Determine
to let Jesus meet your needs.

– Ask Him to forgive you for your willful sin.

– Ask Him to come into your life as your personal Lord and Savior.

– Ask Him to meet your deepest inner needs.

“My God will meet all your needs”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:19).

•
Dedicate
your life to the Lord Jesus (see chapter 14).

– Let His will be your will.

– Let the Lord be Lord of your life.

– Let Christ have absolute control.

“If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take
up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his
life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it”

(L
UKE
9:23-24).

Marnie Ferree believes the hope of healing for sex addicts is tucked away in Romans 12:2: “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” It is the only way possible for struggling people to meet the high and holy calling found in Romans 12:1: “Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God.”

Breaking free, according to Marnie, occurs through a threefold approach: acquiring knowledge about genuine, healthy intimacy; committing to sexual behavior only in marriage; and coming to the understanding that our most important need is not sex but intimacy in a relationship—acceptance, approval, affection. Changing beliefs and behaviors, Marnie concludes, can truly transform a sex addict.
³²

Imagine that you, as a bank president, receive word that a time bomb placed inside the bank’s vault is set to go off at midnight. The combination lock has been electronically jammed. If you don’t get rid of the bomb, the bank will be destroyed. You must break the code! Similarly, in every addict’s mind, a sexual time bomb threatens to destroy both the body and soul. With the right combination you can break the code. The Bible says,

“The man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives
freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has
heard, but doing it
—
he will be blessed in what he does”

(J
AMES
1:25).

Cracking the Code

The mind of every addict is locked by faulty beliefs. Your beliefs are what you think regarding your own value, your relationships, and your sexuality. They determine all of your behavior. If your thinking is faulty, your findings are faulty, and then the way you function will be faulty.

The Bible tells you not only that you
can
change, but also
how
you can change. Romans 12:2 says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” You must reprogram your mind with the right code, with the truth. Every day for the next 12 weeks, read the following life-changing truths. Pray that God will open your heart. Jesus says,

“The truth will set you free”

(J
OHN
8:32).

F
ALSE BELIEF:
“I am unlovable. Sex gives me the feeling of being loved.”

T
RUE BELIEF:
You are loved. God loves you.

– Jesus loved you enough to die on the cross for you. “God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

– Your heavenly Father loved you enough to adopt you into His family. “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1).

C
ONCLUSION:
While sex should always be an expression of love, sex is not love, and love is not sex—rather, sex is sex. Love is a commitment that seeks the highest good and very best for another person. Since God loves you in this way, He will give you the ability to develop other loving relationships in which sex is not a substitute for love. The Bible says,

“[Love] is not self-seeking”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
13:5).

Y
OUR
N
EED FOR
S
IGNIFICANCE

F
ALSE BELIEF:
“I am unworthy. Sex makes me feel significant.”

T
RUE BELIEF:
You already have worth. God has established your worth.

– God created you. Therefore, you have worth. “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb” (Psalm 139:13).

– If you are a Christian, you have worth because Christ lives in you. “To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory” (Colossians 1:27).

C
ONCLUSION:
Sex does not give you significance. You are significant because you are a new creation in Christ with a new source of power. He is your source of power and significance.

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and
godliness through our knowledge of him
who called us by his own glory and goodness”

(2 P
ETER
1:3).

Y
OUR
N
EED FOR
S
ECURITY

F
ALSE BELIEF:
“I am unwanted. Sex numbs the pain of my insecurity.”

T
RUE BELIEF:
You are wanted. The Lord wants you.

– The Lord wants to be your Shepherd throughout life. “The L
ORD
is my shepherd, I shall not be in want” (Psalm 23:1).

– The Lord wants to walk with you through life. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze” (Isaiah 43:2).

C
ONCLUSION:
Sex does not give you security. Your security is found in a love relationship with the Lord. This true security can never be taken away from you.

“The L
ORD
himself goes before you and will be
with you; he will never leave you nor forsake
you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged”

(D
EUTERONOMY
31:8).

Cracking the Code with the Freedom Formula

• Don’t focus on the negative “combination.”

Every time you focus on quitting a sexual obsession, you will want it all the more. Living under the “law” never changes you. If you focus only on what you shouldn’t do, you will be pulled more powerfully to do it.

– “I need to quit thinking about sex.”

– “I won’t rent X-rated movies.”

– “I have to get over this addiction.”

– “I shouldn’t call the sex phone line.”

– “I’ll quit cruising next month.”

“The power of sin is the law”

(1 C
ORINTHIANS
15:56).

•
Focus
on the positive “combination.”

–
A new purpose
—“I want to reflect the character of Christ through what I see and do. I am…

‘predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son’”

(R
OMANS
8:29).

–
A new priority
—“I will do whatever it takes to have a pure heart and a transformed life.”

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”

(R
OMANS
12:2).

–
A new plan
—“I will rely on Christ’s strength, not on my own.”

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:13).

A Transformed Life: God’s Gift of Self-control

Commit to…

• Seeing pornography as sin

• Destroying all erotic material

• Purchasing and reading only uplifting material

• Avoiding tempting situations

• Turning quickly to a preplanned project (exercise, hobbies, reading, etc.) when tempted

• Focusing on Philippians 4:8-9 when tempted

• Making needed changes in old routines (driving route, television, reading material, etc.)

• Blocking all X-rated programs from TV, cable, hotels

• Resisting channel surfing on TV

• Being accountable to a friend as frequently as necessary (monthly, weekly, or even daily)

• Memorizing and applying pertinent Scriptures

• Breaking the chain of obsession

The Bible tells us,

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever
is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable
—
if anything
is excellent or praiseworthy
—
think about such things”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:8).

On the pathway to purity, Dr. Mark Laaser has placed a nonnegotiable stop sign: no sexual activity for at least 90 days. Sex addicts who hope to find healing must first agree to a “celibacy contract,” he explains, and that includes those who are married. “This contract reverses a sex addict’s core belief and shows that ‘sex is
not
my most important need.’”
³⁴

Dr. Laaser likens sexual addiction to food addiction. Food addicts can’t stop eating forever, and most sex addicts are either in marital relationships or one day will be; therefore, it is unlikely that they will stop having sex forever. So the key to victory is learning how to control sexual urges, practice restraint, and operate within boundaries. “Married sex addicts, likewise, will learn that sex with their spouse is appropriate and beautiful when, instead of being a way to avoid intimacy or escape negative feelings, it expresses the intimacy of the marriage.”
³⁵

Does the thought of purity seem impossible to you? Unattainable? Take heart. God would never call you to be pure without giving you all that you need to be pure. So be encouraged. As you yield your life to Him, you have God’s guarantee that you can have a pure heart and live a pure life. The Bible says,

“God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
4:7).

P
URITY

P—P
ARTICIPATE
in an accountability group dealing with sex addictions.

– Meet regularly and talk specifically each week.