How to Be a Person (8 page)

How to Ask Someone Out

When you’re trying to “seal the deal” with a “fly mammy” or a “drunk guy walking past your apartment,” it’s a good idea to have a list of super-alluring catchphrases in your back pocket (keep yours laminated for maritime seductions). Stuff like “Guess what? I’m about to blow your mind.” And “Hold still while I put
this
in
there
.” And “Don’t look doooooooown (because I’m fingering you)!” That way, whoever you’re trying to put it in knows you’re a classy, serious lover who is not to be kept waiting. And also that you will finger on the first date.

Just kidding. Have you tried “Hey, would you like to hang out sometime?” Or “Do you want to go see this band/movie/weird bug that looks really great?” Because that would be a good place to start.

How to Take Someone on a Romantic Date

Yay! Good idea! How cute of you! There are a lot of ways to go about this, but the main thing is: Be thoughtful. Pay attention to what the other person likes. Are they a vegetarian? Did they mention wanting to try a particular restaurant? Did they tell you that Vietnamese food gives them diarrhea-hives? Try to avoid restaurants that will give your beloved or hopefully-beloved-to-be diarrhea-hives. Diarrhea-hives are not romantic. Tell your date they look pretty/handsome. Don’t be boring. Ask questions. Candles are nice. Flowers aren’t necessary but HOLY SHIT ARE THEY EXCITING. Cooking at home (see
What No One Else Will Tell You About Food
) isn’t necessary but HOLY FUCK IS IT ADORABLE. The idea here is to make the other person feel special, so just treat the other person like they are special (not special like Special Olympics—come on) and you win. Oh, and kiss your special person. KISS THEM. KISS THEM SO MUCH.

How to Kiss

Start slow. You don’t even have to open your mouth yet. Did you know that? Just put your lips against the other person’s lips. Good job! Do it again! Do it slower. Smile. Cute, right? Okay, now. Part your lips a little bit. Breathe through your nose (you brushed your teeth, didn’t you!? GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH) and gently touch your tongue to
the other person’s tongue. The other person, hopefully, will be doing the same thing. Try to minimize saliva. Pull back. Start again. See what feels good. You can bite a person’s lip a little (that’s A LITTLE) if you want. You can take a person’s face in your hands. Just follow your instincts. It’s all about empathy here (all of sex is, really)—do you want a weird, hard tongue flicking in and out of your mouth at a rapid rate like a Komodo dragon advancing on a goat carcass? No? Do you want someone else’s tongue shoved forcibly and wholly into your mouth like a gross carnivorous cave-slug? No???? THEN DON’T DO THAT TO SOMEBODY ELSE, KOMODO SLUG-MOUTH. Kissing doesn’t have to be gross, but it really, really can be. Don’t be part of the problem. Don’t be a slug-mouth.

How to Successfully Put Your Parts in or on Another Person

Communication is important. Unless you’re having sex with one of those (annoying) people who doesn’t like to talk specifics because it ruins the “moment” or the “mystery,” just go ahead and ASK. What do they like? What gives them the carnal tingles? What gets them off? Listen to what they say, and tell them what you want, too. Then, whatever you talked about, both of you do that with your genitals. Bingo! If you are a shy flower who just wants to DO dirty things without having to TALK about dirty things, pay close attention to your partner’s body language and vocalizations. If they start making a noise like they like something, do more of that thing.

If they fall asleep, you’re fired. To sum up: friction, repetition, enthusiasm, repeat. No teeth.

Different Sexual Positions You Need to Try in College

Most sexual positions apply to all genders and orientations—thus we have chosen the gender-neutral names “Pat” and “Sam” to describe our sex-position test subjects.
MISSIONARY
:
Pat lies on back with legs up. Sam lies on top of Pat.
THE STOPPERAGE
:
Same as Missionary, but Pat’s knees are doubling as Sam’s earmuffs.
DOGGY-STYLE
:
Pat is on hands and knees, Sam is behind Pat, penetrating like there’s no tomorrow.
SPOONING
:
Pat lies down, Sam also lies down, penetrates Pat from behind. The inclusion of actual spoons is optional.
COWBOY/COWGIRL
:
Sam lies down faceup. Pat climbs on top facing Sam and bounces up and down while trying to not make a joke about Native Americans.
REVERSE COWBOY/COWGIRL
:
Sam lies down faceup. Pat climbs on top facing away from Sam. Both climax while secretly fantasizing about a young, hot John Wayne.
THE STEVE JOBS
:
Sam stands up, idly fingering an iPod and ignoring everyone else in the room while Pat licks Sam’s asshole to climax.
THE ROCK LOBSTER
:
Pat hums B-52s songs at a very low volume while barely tolerating whatever Sam’s doing.
THE L. RON
:
Pat squats on an ottoman while reflecting on childhood traumas. Sam quickly fucks Pat from behind and then takes all of Pat’s money.
REAP THE WHIRLWIND
:
Sam is tied to
a chandelier. Pat is on a trampoline. Whatever penetration occurs is considered “fair game.”
THE MINTZ-PLASSE GAMBIT
:
Pat has one leg up on a stepladder while wearing a powdered wig. Sam leans over backward in an arch and makes a gibbering noise as they rub their jam-smeared genitals together.
THE WANDERING MISSIONARY
:
Sam arrives at Pat’s door wearing a short-sleeved shirt, a tie, and magical underpants. Pat fists Sam back to reality.

How to Have a One-Night Stand

Okay. You just saw this person naked, and they saw you naked. Both of you are vulnerable right now. But even though you are vulnerable, don’t pull some lame backlash shit. This person just had sex with you! That was so nice of them! First of all, don’t sneak out. If you don’t want to spend the night, that’s okay, but be kind and direct about it. If you don’t want the other person to spend the night, then don’t invite the other person over to your goddamn house, because there is no non-shitty way to kick someone out after you just fucked them. Sorry. Also, don’t get anyone’s hopes up. Don’t be all, “I am totally into you and let’s date! I’ll totally call you in five minutes!” Because you know you’re not going to do that. But also don’t be a dick. Don’t be all, “Get out of my house, skank! You’re gross!” Try this: “Hey, I had fun! Thanks! Maybe I’ll see you around sometime!” Also, eating a breakfast sandwich with a person is a nice gesture. Just saying.

How to Have Casual Sex

I know you think you want to have casual sex, but you might be wrong (I’m looking at you, vagina-havers). A lot of things will happen to you when you start sleeping around. First of all, make no mistake, sleeping around is really, really fun. Sex is fun. Meeting new people is fun. You can learn how to be good at sex—how to make yourself feel good and make other people feel good. And making other people feel good FEELS REALLY GOOD. And who knows—you might accidentally turn a casual sex partner into a full-on black-tie tux-and-tails sex partner.

That said, sometimes there’s nothing more lonely than waking up in bed wrapped in a total stranger. You might get your feelings hurt (why are you good enough to fuck but not good enough to date?). You may feel guilty (stop it!). You may get hopelessly attached to a complete goober (especially if you’re a female, because females have more of this stupid hormone called oxytocin that makes them get love-feelings for anyone who gives them an orgasm, so WATCH OUT).

But all that big dumb pain—it’s kind of worth it. It hardens you in the right places and softens you up in others. It teaches you what you want. It’s what being young and dumb and growing up is all about. So just check in with yourself. Check in with your friends. Make sure you’re humping strangers for the right reasons—having fun, not self-destructing—and don’t push yourself outside your comfort zone. Use a condom.

How to Be in a Relationship

Don’t lose yourself. This other person likes you because you are a person, not because you are some weird, mushy, vestigial tail that they have to drag around. BE A PERSON. Hang out with your friends (your friends miss you!). Maintain your interests. Don’t be afraid of space—space makes growth possible. On the flip side, remember that it’s not all about you. Don’t be selfish. Your partner wasn’t put on this earth to make you happy—your
vibrator
was. Or your lubricated vagina-tube. Or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Or WHATEVER. Your partner, on the other hand, is a person, not an object. You are a person, not an object. Act like one. Take care of each other. Be nice.

Honesty Actually Is the Best Policy

College is a fine time to experiment with, say, having two boyfriends, or two girlfriends, or one of each at the same time, and maybe you’re reading some Anaïs Nin and it seems extra-exciting to not let them know about each other. Yep, you’re totally
a spy in the house of love
. But pretty soon you’ll see that someone’s feelings are going to get hurt, or that it’s just exhausting and kind of stupid. In matters of love—in all matters, of everything—honesty really is the best policy. It sounds hokey, but the more honest you are about who you are and what you want, the more interesting your life is going to be.

Cover Your Junk! How to Not Impregnate an Individual or Get Impregnated Yourself, and, Also Very Importantly, Not Get a Sexually Transmitted Infection (Because You Really Don’t Want That)

OPTION 1
:
Condoms, condoms, condoms! Condoms are so great. Basically, men wear them on their penises during sex (not all day, guys!) so that spermy things and infectiony things can’t swim all up into your vagina or your man-parts! The anti-infectiony part of the condom usage also works for man-on-man stuff pretty well! Great, right? Use them. It’s worth it! Because fucking rules and diseases drool! Literally! Out of your penis!

OPTION 2
:
Female condom. Hahahahaahahahaha!!!!! Do you like your vagina but wish it were more like a wadded-up plastic bag? Meet female condom! You know how sometimes clowns will wear those comically big pants with a Hula-Hoop for a waistband? The female condom is like that—like a one-legged Hula-Hoop clown pant. For your vagina. Hahahahaahahahahaa.

OPTION 3
:
The pill! Also for the ladies! Some lady-people find that the pill kills their sex drive. Some lady-people get acne. Some lady-people get PMS-style weeping and stuff every damn day when they take the pill. Some lady-people have no side effects and love the pill! And it is really good at keeping you from getting knocked up!
(Important note: It is really NOT good, AT ALL, at keeping you from getting STIs! Please see Option 1!) The only way to find out for yourself is to try, and then maybe try a different kind of pill too. Isn’t it fun being a lady-person!? (Answer: Not in this case, but these kinds of problems are less problematic than certain other problems—see
How to Get an Abortion
.)

OPTION 4
:
IUD/NuvaRing/etc. ALSO for the ladies! See about the fun part!? There are a bunch of different things that can be implanted into your lady-area (or your arm! THE FUTURE IS NOW!) to intercept babies. (Important note again: These things are really NOT good, AT ALL, at keeping you from getting STIs! Please see Option 1!) Much like the pill, different products make different lady-people react differently. See what works for you, while consulting your doctor as needed.

OPTION 5
:
Abstinence. Ha-ha, nerd!!! (JK, abstinence is a totally valid choice, and don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed of being a virgin. People can be assholes. But if you change your mind, which you probably will, see Option 1—safety first!)

A Little More About STIs

You assume all these people you want to fuck are healthy because they’re young and hot, they smile a bunch (diseased people don’t smile), or they’ve got taut asses with “Juicy” stamped across the cheeks. But even people with juicy asses can be cesspools of disease. According to a 2007 Stanford University study, one in four
college students has a sexually transmitted infection. The most common STIs on college campuses are genital warts (HPV) and chlamydia. Symptoms for chlamydia are often mild or absent, so it goes undiagnosed. Therefore, don’t take someone’s word that they’re clean. Kiss them, fuck them, but use condoms. Condoms are the only way to reliably protect against STIs. If you begin seeing someone exclusively and want to stop using condoms, get tested first—both you and your partner. If you experience burning around your genitals, itching, a rash, pain while urinating, discharge, fever, madness, or sterility, go to the damn doctor. You probably already have an STI. Seriously. Just go. DOCTORS ARE NOT SCARY. The waiting and wondering and possibly infecting other people is the scary part.

How to Break Up With Someone

You MUST do it in person. No phone, no texting, no e-mail. You must be firm, direct, and simple. Do not leave room for argument or ambiguity or false hopes. Don’t be cruel or insulting, even if you feel like it—it just makes you look bad and gives the dumpee ammunition for later. Leave as soon as you’re done, and delete that person from your phone and your Facebook so you don’t do anything you regret while drunk.

How to Get an Abortion

Calm down. Take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay. If you are pregnant but you don’t want to be, there are sooooo many options for you! Fun! Let’s do this! First, make an appointment at a clinic in your area. Make sure it isn’t a creepy Christian “pregnancy center,” because they will just feed you a bunch of lies about your soul dying and your uterus falling out, and then send you home with some Jesus pamphlets and no abortion. Not. Fucking. Helpful. Planned Parenthood is a good place to start. Or, if you have a doctor you’re already comfortable with, they can probably refer you to a good place. Be honest and ask for what you need.