How to Be a Person (4 page)
Read How to Be a Person Online
Authors: Lindy West
Things the Internet Is Good For (Now)
Things the Internet Is Not Good For (Yet)
Trolls Be Trollin’
How to Twitter
How NOT to Facebook
Sexy, Sexy Pornos!!!
SHOW ME YER BOOBZ
How to Un-Spam Thyself
How to Date People Inside Your Computer and Not Get Murdered
Three Great Sentences and What Makes Them Great
What Not to Do
Don’t Use Clichés
Don’t Waste Time
Don’t Overwrite
Don’t Use First Person Unless You Have To
How to Write a College Paper
How to Write a Cover Letter
How to Write Poetry
17. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT HEARTBREAK AND DEATH
How to Get Over a Broken Heart
When Someone You Love Dies
On Suicide
APPENDIX A. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT WORKING IN RESTAURANTS
What It’s Like Working for a Mom-and-Pop Bakery
What It’s Like Working for a Chain Restaurant
What It’s Like Working for a High-End Restaurant in London
What It’s Like Working as a Restaurant Janitor
What It’s Like Working as a Barista, an Incompetent Waitress, a Barely Competent Cook, and at a Shady Café
APPENDIX B. THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE THAT THERE ARE
People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of “Hobo”
People Who Are Mean to Hoboes
People Who Still Have Jobs
People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete Destitution
People Who Secretly Have Vast Family Fortunes/Trust Funds to Keep Them from Ever Knowing Complete Destitution, or Even Mild Hardship
People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns
People Who Don’t Watch TV
People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You’re Having
People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country
People Who Are into Whimsy
People Who Are White Who Call Black People “Brothas” When Talking to Other White People, as in, “A Lot of My Friends Are Brothas”
People Who Are Old
Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends
Babies
People Who Are Secret Hookers
Recession Hookers
People Who Are Pretty
and
Smart
and
Funny
and
Nice
People Who Are Hot Greek Waiters
People Who Smile at You on the Street
People Who Don’t Know How to Drink
People Who Are Only Interesting When They’re Drunk
People Who Believe in Sasquatch
People Who Don’t Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics
Wizards
Russians
Russian Wizards
People Who Let Their Cat Walk Across Their Kitchen Cutting Board, Even Though Those Are the Same Fucking Paws That Have Been Tramping Around That Shit-Filled Cat Box and I Don’t See a Kitty Foot-Washing Station Around Here, Do You?
People Who Don’t Know How to Navigate a Four-Way Stop or an Uncontrolled Intersection
Animals That Are Really People Who Got Transformed by a Witch
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