How to Be a Person (7 page)

BY LINDY WEST

S
o, you’re a big shot now. A great big big shot, with plans and dreams and wanderlust and gas money. Look at you! Going places! Maybe you’re moving away for college, maybe you’re relocating for a job, maybe you’re throwing a dart at a map just for the dick of it. But where are you going to go? What are you going to do? What are you going to wear? What are you going to eat? Who are you going to bang? THE UNITED STATES HAS SO MANY PLACES IN IT, YOU GUYS. Here’s a little guide to help you get oriented, have fun, and fit in with the locals so you don’t end up dismembered in a quarry because you used the wrong fork or something. Mind your forks.

The Pacific Northwest

MASCOT
:
A dude named Jeff (he has a band).

MOTTO
:
“Hey, you should check out my band.”

MAIN ATTRACTIONS
:
Kurt Cobain’s house (Seattle), Bruce Lee’s grave (Seattle), Crater Lake (Oregon), Space Needle (Seattle), whales (the ocean), that one vegan place with the kale chips (Portland).

This is that damp, green place up in the corner. The Pacific Northwest is the nation’s leading exporter of trees, airplanes, vegans, software, serial killers, suicide bridges, polar fleece, octopus attacks, coffee-related smugness, bands, sad white people, sad white people in bands, and owls. All the stereotypes about the Pacific Northwest are both true and untrue. You will hear that it rains a lot—it does, but it rains more in Miami. You will hear that the people are passive-aggressive and cold—some are, but others aren’t, because THAT’S HOW PEOPLE WORK. You will hear that everyone is always drinking a latte—FALSE, nobody drinks lattes. Normal people drink Americanos. You will hear that Washington and Oregon are both run by puppet governments controlled by Sasquatch. Yeah, that’s actually true. Oregon has no sales tax. Washington has Dave Matthews. The eastern halves of both states are exact replicas of Wyoming.

The Midwest

MASCOT
:
A clogged artery.

MOTTO
:
“Ow, my artery!”

MAIN ATTRACTIONS
:
The Sears Tower (Chicago), the Gateway Arch (Saint Louis), the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (Cleveland), Oprah (OPRAH!!!!!), corn (everywhere).

The Midwest is a wholesome place where everyone is nice, even the bad people (and there are several!). The sizable Scandinavian population keeps things Lutheran and bland. A typical Midwestern meal consists of feeding a cow potatoes and ham custard until it dies, then cutting the cow into steaks, stuffing the steaks with Jell-O salad, deep-frying the stuffed steaks, piling the steaks into a large mound or berm, smothering the whole thing with maple-beer-cheese gravy, and serving it all with a side of popcorn shrimp and “broccoli” (which is just sticks of butter carved into the shape of broccoli). Vegetables are outlawed. And for dessert: hugs!

California

MASCOT
:
Tom Hanks.

MOTTO
:
“You’re fat!”

MAIN ATTRACTIONS
:
The Hollywood sign (Los Angeles), Yosemite National Park (Central California), the Golden Gate Bridge (San Francisco), the Integratron (Joshua Tree), gays (San Francisco).

Los Angeles is where entertainment comes from. Northern California is a utopia of breezy marijuana fields and comically large trees. Southern California is Mexico with breast implants. The rest of California is flat and covered in cow poop. All of your favorite people live in California (Weird Al Yankovic, Joan Rivers, Snoop Dogg), but all of your least favorite people live in California too (Charlie Sheen, Paris Hilton, the ghost of Ronald Reagan).

The Southwest

MASCOT
:
Sand.

MOTTO
:
“World’s Greatest Grandpa.”

MAIN ATTRACTIONS
:
Area 51 (Nevada), the Grand Canyon (Arizona), Las Vegas (Nevada).

In the bottom-left part of the country, there is a big desert where tarantulas and crazy sand-sheep lived in peace with the indigenous human population for many billions of centuries. Then one day an invading army of old people ran a garden hose all the way from California and turned the desert into a ludicrously unsustainable golf course, and all the tarantulas were like, “Whaaaaaaaat!?” and California was like, “I’m thirsty, bro!” New Mexico is like Arizona but with more hippies. Arizona is like New Mexico but with more old people and racism. Nevada is like Arizona but more prostitutey. Utah is like a church basement but with better national parks. New Mexico is like Mexico but newer.

The South

MASCOT
:
Delta Burke being chased by an alligator.

MOTTO
:
“We don’t take kindly to mottos.”

MAIN ATTRACTIONS
:
Civil War battlefields, Appalachian Mountains.

Okay, okay, so the South has had some public image problems over the years (rhymes with “blavery”—whoops!), but Americans are nothing if not forgetful. And the South really does have a lot going for it. First of all, SEERSUCKER SUITS. Second of all, BARBECUE. Third of all, SEXY VAMPIRES!!! The South might not be the number-one
easiest
place to move if you’re a non-straight or a non-white or a non-vampire-hunter, but it’s the 21st century and things are loosening up. Try big cities (Atlanta, Houston) and university towns (Austin, Chapel Hill), which tend to be more liberal. And full of vampires.

The Northeast

MASCOT
:
Ben Affleck.

MOTTO
:
“Wheeyad yoo fahkin’ PAHK the CAH!?”

MAIN ATTRACTIONS
:
The Statue of Liberty (New York), Walden Pond (Massachusetts), Irish pubs (fucking everywhere), lobsters (watching you while you sleep).

Vermont and New Hampshire are exactly the same, except that part of New Hampshire is a suburb of Boston, whereas all of
Vermont is a village. Rhode Island exists so that Massachusetts can feel better about itself. Every state north of Massachusetts is where they wear flannel and talk slower. Connecticut is “more than just an extension of New York, damn it! We also have several hills and fences made out of stone!” Maine is a vast, unconquered territory of pine trees and bogs. New York thinks it’s better than you, and it’s kind of right.

The Mountains

MASCOT
:
Ted Kaczynski.

MOTTO
:
“Get off my land!”

MAIN ATTRACTIONS
:
Snow, sky, geysers, Testicle Festival (Montana).

The mountains are where people go when they don’t want to be bothered. So QUIT BOTHERING THEM. Colorado is full of great skiing and creepy Christians. Wyoming is whatever Wyoming is. North Dakota is flat and brown. South Dakota is beautiful and full of bikers. Don Johnson lives in Colorado. Huey Lewis lives in Montana. Literally nobody lives in Idaho. People look to the mountain states to fulfill their idealistic dreams of the classic American West—but, of course, that dream doesn’t exist anymore, having been replaced by the classic American meth. Stay away from meth.

Alaska

MASCOT
:
A bear, eating you.

MOTTO
:
“Canada’s hat.”

MAIN ATTRACTIONS
:
Bears (eating you), wolves (eating you), nature (eating you).

Alaska, at different times of the year, features both 24 hours of sunlight AND 24 hours of darkness (pick your hell!). There’s tundra (actual tundra!) swarming with man-eating monsters, plus cities (not actual cities!) swarming with batshit right-wing separatists. Men grow woolly beards to keep their faces warm, and moose outnumber women 3:1. You can see Russia from there. The state bird is a cruise ship filled with fat people.

Hawaii

MASCOT
:
A Hawaiian person laughing at everyone who doesn’t live in Hawaii.

MOTTO
:
“WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU LIVE HERE!?”

MAIN ATTRACTIONS
:
Hawaii (Hawaii).

Hawaii is a bunch of laid-back, chilled-out volcanoes sticking out of the ocean, covered with beautiful sun-roasted people who just want to eat macaroni salad and have a good time, maaaaaaan. White people did horrible, violent things to Hawaii, but Hawaii still lets white people live there, because that’s just the kind of cool
dude Hawaii is. Hawaii runs on “island time,” which means that all your shit is going to be fucking late. Because it’s island time! Cute! Island time! Oh, also people in Hawaii looooooove huffing glue (I saw a documentary about it). The only thing they love more than huffing glue is surfing. Good times.
Island
times.

3. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT SEX AND DATING

BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT, PAUL CONSTANT, CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE, CIENNA MADRID, AND LINDY WEST

How to Get With a Girl If You Are a Boy

H
ere’s the main thing: Don’t be creepy. Girls can smell your weird, insecure, predatory creepin’ from a mile away (hint: It smells like DiGiorno and Axe body spray!). Groom yourself, don’t try too hard, don’t use pick-up lines, don’t stare, and try to
visibly have fun. People (women are people!) like to be around people who are fun. Don’t be too aggressive, but don’t be too timid. Most importantly, talk to women like they are humans with interests and lives and things to say, not just fleshy collections of holes that you would like to put your penis into. Oh, and please don’t wear sandals. No one wants to look at your weird toes.

How to Get With a Boy If You Are a Girl

First of all, how high are your standards? Do you exist? A lot of men will sleep with you based solely on that. Unfortunately, many of those men are hoboes. If you’re trying to bag some landed gentry (or at least a renter), here’s what’s up: Put on some makeup (not too much). Show some skin (not too much). Find someone who can consistently cut your hair in a flattering way. Before you go out, listen to the dirtiest rap music you can find. Leave the house. Smile a lot. Convince yourself that if you were a man, you would definitely want to have sex with you. Believe it. Then project that confidence. Don’t be annoying. Don’t be desperate. Say interesting things but don’t pander. Have fun. Congrats! Penis in vagina!

How to Get With a Gay/Lesbian If You Are a Gay/Lesbian

Oh, it’s all the same as for the straights—have good hygiene, be an interesting person, don’t talk with your mouth full. The key difference for gay people is that you have to come out of the closet before anything else: People who are out are much healthier and happier (and thus more datable) than people who are closeted. If you’re a gay man, being in the closet will force you into a never-ending spiral of secrecy and stress and sex in bathrooms. If you’re a lesbian, you’ll have the spiral of secrecy and stress without the sex in bathrooms. For the love of god, come out of the closet already (if you’re struggling with this, see
How to Come Out of the Closet
), make an account on a gay dating site, join a club or get a hobby that will force you to interact with other gay peers, and if you’re old enough, hit the bars. The gay rights movement started in a bar, after all (see
The History of Gay People in a Few Paragraphs
).

How to Get With a Bi/Trans/Differently Sexual Person If You Are a Bi/Trans/Differently Sexual Person

Again, it’s all the same as for the straights—have good hygiene, be an interesting person, don’t talk with your mouth full—but out of
the closet! (If you’re struggling with this, see
So I Think I’m Trans
!) Be honest about who you are and what you’re into, join (or start!) a club for people like you, and get online to find other likewise-sexual individuals. Also, you’re awesome—don’t let anyone make you feel marginalized or otherwise less-than-awesome.

How to Turn a Crush Into Something More

Gather some information about your crush without being stalker-y. What are they into? Where do they hang out? Meanwhile—and this is key—do interesting stuff yourself. Make weird art, go to see music, join some not-too-freaky political cause, skinny-dip in fountains, walk across the entire city. And books! Read books. Voilà: You’re a person with unusual and fascinating experiences and observations, and that’s hot. Now wrest control of your own mind: You are not hopelessly crushed out on this person who is so, so great—rather, you are a great, great person who would like to assess whether this person is a good fit for you (for whatever purposes you’ve got in mind). Say, “Hi, I’m [your name here],” and ask a pertinent (and ideally funny) question. Be ready to talk about what you’ve been up to and why it’s been crazy, amazing, etc. Smile and make eye contact (this is not rocket science, people). Meanwhile—and this is key—let go of any hopes or expectations about the outcome. Think of this person as a possible friend, if—IF!—they seem cool. (It’s good to test all this out on people other than your crush—people
with whom you really don’t care about the outcome—frequently.) Are they responding well? Have a friendly invitation ready (see How to Ask Someone Out below), and have fun. Note: If at first you don’t succeed, fuck it! Do not feel awkward or bad. Say hi next time you see them, and start looking for your next crush. At this rate, you’re going to get laid—and make collateral friends along the way—at a nearly alarming rate.