How I Got Here (18 page)

‘Who’s talking about goodbye? I’m not going anywhere.’

‘But this can’t go on forever right?’ She shakes her head, ‘I just mean it has to end eventually. Anyway like I was saying I really felt like my parents didn’t care, that’s why they left me here.’

‘I know that they’ve messed up a lot, but I truly believe that they do care about you, even if they don’t always know how to show it. I think you need them more than you realize.’

‘They don’t want to fix things Oliver, I mean maybe what they did was for my own good, I can see that, but I can also see that they weren’t ever really there for me. I know you’re only looking out for me, but don’t try and fix everything in my life, because it won’t work, my relationship with my parents was a mess long before this all happened. So just don’t bother, it can’t be fixed.’

‘You don’t know that for certain, they might be willing to try and get things back to a good place, they’re bound to be concerned about you, they probably just don’t know where to start to make things better, they probably blame themselves for a lot of what’s happened. Why don’t you let me set something up, I can be there and we’ll all just talk.’

‘Don’t do that.’ She jumps up and steps back from him.

‘Do what? What did I say that was
so bad?’

‘You
’re trying to get all therapist on me, and that is not who you are, you aren’t meant to talk through all my family issues, or set up group sessions. Don’t try and understand everything that’s happened with my parents, you don’t know the half of it! You can’t fix this part of my life, so stop trying.’ She yells at him loudly, folding her arms over her chest. Something was definitely wrong, for her to fly off the handle like that; it isn’t like her, especially after being so happy yesterday.

‘Has something happened?’ Oliver asks getting to his feet.

‘No.’

‘Then what’s with the sudden outburst?’

‘I’m mad ok! Can’t I just be mad at you?’

‘Is this about
last week?’

‘No it’s not about last week; it’s about right now and you trying to fix everything.’

‘I’m just trying to help, I want you to get better and I think that your parents need to be a part of that process.’

‘I see, so that’s what this is to you, a process. It’s all just a process to you, once I’m all fixed and better you’ll send me off, and then take on a new project.’

‘I didn’t say that, where is this coming from? One minute you’re talking about how this won’t last forever, and we’ll have to say goodbye like it’s no big deal, and the next minute you’re yelling at me for ditching you for a new project, when that isn’t even close to what I was saying.’

‘It sounds like what you’re saying! Well don’t bother ok, because I’m done, I don’t need or want your help anymore, so just leave me alone and I’ll figure it out myself.’ She shouts and runs back into the hospital. He wants to chase after her, but he feels paralyzed, stunned by what just happened, and stands there trying to figure out the trigger that set her off.

His good mood which had been around since the day before is gone again, and when he reaches the apartment he slams the door closed.

‘Is something wrong?’

‘River and I had a fight.’

‘I told you it wasn’t a good idea to take the case on again.’

‘She just started yelling at me, about me leaving to take on some new project, we were just talking normally, and then all of a sudden she’s screaming at me.’

‘Well she’s young and going through a lot, you can’t expect her to act maturely and rationally.’

‘But it was so sudden, I mean last night she was fine when I spoke to her, and now she’s pushing me away, so what happened this morning to change her mind? Because I hung up at midnight last night, and arrived at three this afternoon, so what happened in between to get her so angry?’

‘Maybe it was what you were talking about?’

‘That’s what she says it is. S
he was mad at me for pushing her about her family. I shouldn’t have pushed her so hard.’

‘You were only trying to help her.’

‘Now she’s saying she doesn’t want my help, she doesn’t want to see me anymore.’

‘Oliver you need to see this as a good thing, you needed space from her, so you tried to take it, and when that didn’t work you went back to her, now she’s giving you the chance to have some space, take it, because this thing with her is poison, it’s not going to do any good for anyone. I mean look at you, you’re a mess
, if this is what she does to you is it really worth it?’

‘Yeah it is. She is. I won’t give up on her, she’ll come around. I need to clear my head.’ He gets up and heads to the door.

‘I really think you should stay here, calm down for a bit. Get some rest, you’ve hardly been sleeping.’

‘No I just need to get out.’ He shakes his head and leaves the apartment.

August slowly slips past, giving way to September which brings with it cool weather, and frequent rain. Oliver keeps up his daily visits to River, sitting at her side for hours on end, trying to regain her trust, but she was slipping back to the girl he’d first met, her weight started dropping again, and she hardly spoke except to ask him to leave. He’s tried everything he could think of, he apologized, he begged her to talk to him, he stayed silent hoping she’d talk, and he tried reasoning with her, but nothing worked, something had changed for her, and she was drifting away from him.

He hadn’t received a letter in weeks, when he asked her if she’d written one, she quietly told him that he shouldn’t bother with her, she was a lost cause, and he’d realized how deeply she was hurting. Over time it started to become clearer to him, she wasn’t drifting from him because of him bringing up her parents; she was pushing him away because she was scared he’d leave. For her it was safer to push him out, hide behind her walls, than it was to let him get any closer. He’d realized it from something she’d said to him; on one of the rare occasions she said anything at all. It was the last day of September and after several silent sessions; she looked him dead in the eye with such shattering distance, and said the words he’d been both longing to hear, and dreading at the same time.

‘You can’t get close to me
Oliver; you need to let me go for your own sake.’ River had spoken softly, and then rolled over to face the wall. ‘You should go.’ She added and he could tell she was crying.

He’d figured it out in that moment; she was pushing him away to protect him. Somehow she must have figured out he was getting too close to her, and what that would do to his career, and she wanted to save him from that.

‘I don’t care about me, please River just don’t lock me out.’ He’d begged her, but she’d remained resolutely silent, and the next day when he arrived, feeling more tired than ever, he was informed by a doctor that he was no longer on her case, by order of River and her parents. He tried to fight the new arrangement, but in the end there was nothing he could do, he couldn’t even get into her room. He had to admit to himself the truth, however hard that was. It was over.

Chapter Seventeen

Letter 10

I don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe it’s because I’ve got into the habit of writing to you, and maybe it’s because I think you deserve a goodbye. I don’t really know why, but these letters to you are a habit of mine now. I have you to thank for that, and I almost wish that I had the strength to give this to you in person, because however much I tried to write my story, not in a letter to you, not talking to you but just writing, each time it came out as if I were telling you directly, because it was easier to write it to you, than just generally write it down, it was as if I needed that contact with you. I blame you for that, because you made it so easy for me to talk to you. It hurts Oliver, to feel so close to you and have to push you away, it’s tearing me apart to let you go, or rather to push you out, because you are persistent aren’t you? You couldn’t just let me let you go; you forced me to push you away. That makes it worse, because I know that it’s hurting you as much as it’s hurting me, and I don’t want to do anything to hurt you, I’ve said that before, because I mean every word of it, and ultimately that’s why I’m pushing you away from me. It’s for the best.

I’ve made so many mistakes already in my life, and I don’t want this to be one of them, if you’d kept coming to see me, and we’d kept on getting closer it would have hurt you, it would have hurt the career you’ve worked so hard to build. I’m not naïve Oliver, I know the hospital have rules about doctor/patient relationships, and I know we were getting shockingly close to crossing the line. Perhaps I was naïve to start with, I was happy to be your friend because it felt right, and I wanted to keep talking to you because you made me feel stronger, but I’ve grown up a lot
, and now I know that this is for the best, however much it might be hurting me, however much I feel like crying all the time. It really is for the best.

I want you to know something though, because you have done so much for me, and I would hate for you to think that I had slipped backwards. So I want you to know that I’m eating, the only reason I stopped again, was so that you’d think coming around each day was doing me harm, because I knew that you wouldn’t want that, and that if you saw me slip backwards, you’d do anything to help me get back to a good place again, and so when I asked for a new doctor, I knew you wouldn’t force me to keep the sessions with you, because you wouldn’t want to undo your good work. I am eating though I promise, I’m going to get better and that’s thanks to you, you’ve given me the strength I need to fight this thing. I can never than
k you enough for that, but this is my way of trying to.

I’m going to keep writing
letters; though after this one I won’t be sending them to you, even though I’m fairly certain they will continue to be written to you. I’ll keep them with me, because I think it’ll be easier if we have a clean break, and if I kept sending you letters, that wouldn’t help at all.

I’m going to keep writing so that I can keep working through everything, I promise I won’t give up now.

You don’t have to feel guilty about letting me down, because you haven’t and never will. You’re the reason I’m doing so well now, you’re the reason I’m fixing things with my parents. You’re everything to me; I hope that you know that.

Now I’d like you to do something for me. Forget me, I know you might hate me for saying this, and you might dispute it, but I honestly want you to forget me, just move on with your life, act like I was just a patient, one you helped heal herself, let it become a memory that you won’t access again, forget me, because I’m not worth remembering.

Thank you for everything, I mean that. I’ll always treasure the time we had together, however fleeting. It was a perfect summer, despite everything that was so messed up with me, it was perfect and I’ll always think so.

It hurts too much to say goodbye, so I’m not going to say it. Just know that I love you, and that’s why I’m letting you go.
That’s the only reason I’m letting you go.

I love you
,

River

Chapter Eighteen

Oliver 1

He hadn’t shaved in days, not since reading her letter, her final letter to him. He hadn’t gotten out of bed either, he was just lying there staring at the ceiling, he hadn’t showered, he was relying heavily on take-out food, refusing to eat any of Amanda’s vegan food
, because it reminded him of River too much. He barely slept and it was starting to show, his eyes were red and his chin covered in stubble, from his slow growing beard. He kept her letter under his pillow, and each day he’d take it out and trace his fingers over her parting words,
I love you
. He didn’t want to let her go though, when he’d first read the letter, his eyes had clouded with tears, but he was determined to tell her she didn’t have to let him go, he was willing to leave the hospital, get a job somewhere else, if it meant they could have a chance. He headed straight from the office where the letter had been left, to her room, but he found it empty and it didn’t take him long to find out why, she had been discharged; her parents had signed her out because she was eating regularly, and she had agreed to give therapy another chance, and this time she would give it a real chance. He went to her apartment, but all he found was that it had been rented to someone new; a neighbor of hers told him that the family had left New York, but they didn’t know where he could find them. So he returned home, relegated Amanda and Tiff to camp beds in his lounge, after Amanda refused to move out while he was like this, and then he had gone to bed. He had been there for two weeks now, but the pain was still intense, it was still as fresh as it had been the day he found out she was gone, and he didn’t care that he was being pathetic, pining over a girl he’d never really had, he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything.